I'm really glad to have looked through your works for something to concrit because "Provenance" was an absolute delight and I'm glad I got to read it!
I really enjoyed it, so a lot of this crit is going to be fairly minor and a matter of taste.
I liked the Pratchett-y asides ("His inflection failed to rise, lacking the impetus, much in the way a flatbread (once an abomination unto Nuggan, and now very popular, especially with a kind of pumpkin paste, especially in the north) lacked the impetus to turn into a loaf." is an excellent opening). I also liked how you showed the relationship between Polly and Jackrum, that Polly is still learning from her old sergeant, that the learning is also an excuse, that he makes her pay full price for drinks -- it all feels very true to them. The character voices as a whole were great! It was lovely to get to spend some time with Polly and Jackrum again.
I sometimes had trouble tracking exactly what the meaning was -- part of that was just that they're having a circuitous conversation, and trying not to speak openly, and was cleared up on a second read through. Some of it wasn't -- I'm still not entirely sure what Polly had spent longer than she'd expected to, considering her aim, means, exactly, following Leverage, Polly had discovered, was very much about where the person wielding it stood. And secrets were shots that could only be fired once. I like the first part of the thought -- it follows well from the thoughts about plausibility and context. Can't blackmail anyone if people will believe them and not you! But, spent longer what? Building plausibility? I just needed a little more context there.
LOVE the concept of Borogravian national literature. It sounds like an Abomination Unto Nuggan and illustrates really quickly how far Borogravia has come in the intervening years since the end of the book.
Getting into the plot of it, I had trouble tracking exactly what was under discussion. My understanding is: there's discussion of Jackrum being biographied/hagiographied (and WHAT a threat to level at him!). Polly thinks this issue should be confused, not only because of the big socks secret, but because Jackrum has a hidden soft side, and wouldn't want that to come out. Polly offers up a few options for successor Jackrums. Jackrum agrees, with stipulations.
My confusion was about exactly how they were planning to do it/what the purpose was. To keep the truth obscured is the main one, I picked up on that, but adding more Jackrums to the mix wouldn't stop the stories of Jackrum rescuing puppies and kittens -- are they hoping to add directly contradictory stories, putting Jackrum in multiple places at the same time? Are they trying to run this plan backwards through time, with people claiming to have always been Jackrum, or just having so many Jackrums running around that it's impossible to figure out which did which things? All of the above?
And I would have liked a bit more detail on She'd met a hopeful writer on the road just six days ago, and shared a carriage. After making non-committal noises in response to the story of his life and ambitions, she'd changed her plans and parted ways with him at Holz. The time she wasted there had been precious to her, but not as valuable as ensuring that she arrived in the man's wake, her point made for her by his unwelcome - and curtailed - visit. It's not necessary, but to me, having more of the conflict between Jackrum's need to keep secrets and a journalist's need to ferret them out would have made his easy capitulation feel more... earned? I guess?
I don't want to tell you to over-explain things, but those are the bits that I needed to read a couple times to feel like I understood. Since you mentioned endings -- I really liked the final line, I feel like it pulls the theme to the forefront! But having the last 8 lines be short, single sentences made it feel a little jerky? Maybe tagging something about the conversation shifting onto Polly relaxed and signalled for a fourth round of drinks, would have made it feel less abrupt?
I would love it if you could let me know if this was helpful -- concrit is something I'm not confident in!
Re: Concrit for Morbane - Provenance
I really enjoyed it, so a lot of this crit is going to be fairly minor and a matter of taste.
I liked the Pratchett-y asides ("His inflection failed to rise, lacking the impetus, much in the way a flatbread (once an abomination unto Nuggan, and now very popular, especially with a kind of pumpkin paste, especially in the north) lacked the impetus to turn into a loaf." is an excellent opening). I also liked how you showed the relationship between Polly and Jackrum, that Polly is still learning from her old sergeant, that the learning is also an excuse, that he makes her pay full price for drinks -- it all feels very true to them. The character voices as a whole were great! It was lovely to get to spend some time with Polly and Jackrum again.
I sometimes had trouble tracking exactly what the meaning was -- part of that was just that they're having a circuitous conversation, and trying not to speak openly, and was cleared up on a second read through. Some of it wasn't -- I'm still not entirely sure what Polly had spent longer than she'd expected to, considering her aim, means, exactly, following Leverage, Polly had discovered, was very much about where the person wielding it stood. And secrets were shots that could only be fired once. I like the first part of the thought -- it follows well from the thoughts about plausibility and context. Can't blackmail anyone if people will believe them and not you! But, spent longer what? Building plausibility? I just needed a little more context there.
LOVE the concept of Borogravian national literature. It sounds like an Abomination Unto Nuggan and illustrates really quickly how far Borogravia has come in the intervening years since the end of the book.
Getting into the plot of it, I had trouble tracking exactly what was under discussion. My understanding is: there's discussion of Jackrum being biographied/hagiographied (and WHAT a threat to level at him!). Polly thinks this issue should be confused, not only because of the big socks secret, but because Jackrum has a hidden soft side, and wouldn't want that to come out. Polly offers up a few options for successor Jackrums. Jackrum agrees, with stipulations.
My confusion was about exactly how they were planning to do it/what the purpose was. To keep the truth obscured is the main one, I picked up on that, but adding more Jackrums to the mix wouldn't stop the stories of Jackrum rescuing puppies and kittens -- are they hoping to add directly contradictory stories, putting Jackrum in multiple places at the same time? Are they trying to run this plan backwards through time, with people claiming to have always been Jackrum, or just having so many Jackrums running around that it's impossible to figure out which did which things? All of the above?
And I would have liked a bit more detail on She'd met a hopeful writer on the road just six days ago, and shared a carriage. After making non-committal noises in response to the story of his life and ambitions, she'd changed her plans and parted ways with him at Holz. The time she wasted there had been precious to her, but not as valuable as ensuring that she arrived in the man's wake, her point made for her by his unwelcome - and curtailed - visit. It's not necessary, but to me, having more of the conflict between Jackrum's need to keep secrets and a journalist's need to ferret them out would have made his easy capitulation feel more... earned? I guess?
I don't want to tell you to over-explain things, but those are the bits that I needed to read a couple times to feel like I understood. Since you mentioned endings -- I really liked the final line, I feel like it pulls the theme to the forefront! But having the last 8 lines be short, single sentences made it feel a little jerky? Maybe tagging something about the conversation shifting onto Polly relaxed and signalled for a fourth round of drinks, would have made it feel less abrupt?
I would love it if you could let me know if this was helpful -- concrit is something I'm not confident in!