OK friend! Have crit. I hope this is useful. Reactions are adjusted as best I can for our differing preferences in h/c /she says affectionately, bowing with respect from atop a completely different hill.
You ask for comments on writing style changes. I'm not sure that's within scope, sorry - I have read many of your stories over many years but I'd still need to review a lot to answer you. Maybe we can make it a separate trade. Still, I've tried to keep my impressions of past fics in mind here.
I like what you focus on. There's just about zero waffle or unnecessary detail; at the same time, I feel I mostly have the information I need. You're very good at bringing relevant emotions quickly to the fore.
I'm not totally sure that the place where you start it makes sense. I think that the baseline time context being "we've conducted some interviews" might more sense than "we've just arrived". The alternating POV between Hiraga and Roberto mostly works, but a pure Roberto viewpoint until the last scene might also work, because, to me, there are some big gaps in the Hiraga perspective.
Details:
Hiraga had loved the town from the first jet-lagged glance.
No grammar problem here, and it's a nice clear sentence doling out a useful and manageable amount of information. However, on second reading, "loved" rather than "had loved" would make more sense to me because we don't spend enough time in this story hanging around the town before the action begins for this to feel like a distinct past. (If I'd been beta reading and making that suggestion, you would also have needed to tweak some grammar in the following paragraph. "Roberto had grumbled" would be fine; "Hiraga hadn't minded" would need adjusting.
I like maple shadows and green knees.
Ryuota's remission held, on the phone his brother was effortlessly cheerful, and all was right with the world. - Minor quibble. It's a little odd to me that you refer to Ryuota in two different ways in such a short space of time - on the first read, canon-unfamiliar, I assumed Ryuota and brother were different people. But it's minor because I don't really see how else you would efficiently and clearly convey this set of ideas.
an audit of a would-be saint - minor quibble but I thought the premise of the show was that that described all their cases?
Over the forty years since - Minor quibble. You later say the woman is in her sixties. "Child" here doesn't require the woman to be a teen or younger at the time, but does imply it; the timeline currently requires her to have been in her twenties at the time. "Forty-odd" or something would smooth it over.
It was a bit weird that the town’s community wasn't quite united behind this petition. The parishioners, while polite to them, seemed very cautious with their words.
To me, this is an abrupt transition. We've had the past of them arriving, then info about the case, and now "They arrived and then…" is still the context for whatever happens next. It makes me blink a bit that you then imply and skate over a raft of other events (check-ins, interviews, note-comparings) that are also in the past. The information in the paragraph is otherwise clear and it doesn't take me too long to catch up.
Roberto would find everything out in the due time - delete the
unexplainable and durable - unexplainable is fine, but inexplicable is less marked in this context. Durable isn't quite right - it's how you'd describe how you'd expect something to behave in the future (like if you're selling a suitcase), not how it's behaved up until this point. Enduring or resilient are options that work better for me.
woman in sixties - woman in her sixties (I like the food details to establish an unwelcoming atmosphere)
she was in very good health for all that she didn't seem to like them much - this distracts me; "for all" requires there to be some relation between these two facts, and there doesn't seem to be one.
which was weird because - does Hiraga use the word weird a lot? If not, that's twice in quick succession, distracting me a little. And he uses it soon again below.
no older than Ryota - Same person previously spelled Ryuota, or different?
He told her as such, and saw a first real expression - He told her such, and saw the first real expression
As always when the conversations lagged, Roberto stepped back into fray - the phrase before the comma is grammatically fine, but because it's plural, it's better suited to describe a group of situations, ie, "As always when the conversations lagged, Roberto [did a similar thing over several separate events]". Because what's being compared is single/unique, "As always when a conversation lagged" works better as a direct comparison. Also: into the fray.
until the coffee was finished and they left - probably best to have a comma after finished, if not some other tweak, otherwise both attach to "until", and "they finished coffee & left" is not a simultaneous, compound action.
"growing up with the other people thinking of her mother as a saint." - delete the before other? Fine if it's Hiraga's specific speech pattern, and okay as part of the general imperfection of speech otherwise, but not standard.
Roberto said pensively and refused to comment further. - You can get away with it, but when it's dialogue - speech verb - other stuff like this, I tend to prefer a comma after the phrase including the speech verb (or, comma after pensively) to avoid the structure of said & refused both taking the dialogue as their object.
Roberto caught Lauren scowling at him darkly from the screen and hastily excused himself before Hiraga could notice and become upset with both of them.
- I found this transition a little difficult. For one, there are hints, but since I wasn't expecting the POV to switch, I was trying to reconcile this with Hiraga's POV. For another, I'm a little confused about the sequence of events - did Roberto not know Hiraga was planning to call Lauren? Not clear if so. Did he know and think it would be fine and change his mind? That fits the text better, but in that case, I'm surprised Lauren's Lovelorn Scowl (over a very routine call) changed his mind so much. Does Lauren really scowl at Roberto for existing when Hiraga has called him to consult? It seems a little dramatic. Basically, I feel I can see why you want this sequence of events in order to bring up Roberto's feelings, but it feels a little forced.
Otherwise, from Hiraga's impression, I like the sequence of ideas. I like how this allows Roberto to overlook/justify Hiraga talking about Roberto's virtues without coming to the conclusion that Hiraga adores him - that's clever.
The wheels of the Vatican turned slowly but surely, grinding visionaries into dust one year and elevating them the next - I'm not sure about how the dust fits into this. Is it a progression? It doesn't work for Hiraga's elevation since he isn't being ground into dust first. If you're talking about caprice, I'm not sure how the sentiment fits. If this is a comment on how people have to be dead to be elevated, it makes sense but it might be too subtle for a comparison that works for people who are alive.
Sooner or later he'd be raised high, way beyond Roberto's grasp. - very minor note: I'd use far rather than way, since far is more formal, suited to the elevated tone
And no, Roberto wasn't a good enough man to console Lauren with this knowledge. - Hm. I like how this bridges to "But he could do his work". I see the callback to the sentiment about telling Lauren they aren't in competition. Here, though, is where the sentiment loses me, because it makes me imagine Roberto saying this to Lauren and Lauren reacting with disbelieving exasperation to the melodrama. And it's hard for me to buy any other character reacting with the kind of grudging gratitude Roberto seems to expect would occur. The idea that Roberto thinks this speech about the pedestal he's put Hiraga on - because imagining Hiraga's kindness to others as perfectly impersonal is kind of insulting to Hiraga, actually - makes me question Roberto's judgement and therefore makes me less willing to entertain his other emotional pronouncements.
there were weird lacunae in their interviews with the locals, slow undercurrents of tension - the use of weird is definitely chiming for me now; I like the feeling I get from "slow" here but I'm not actually sure what you mean by it.
Usually, when auditioning a saint, the challenge was - I'm not familiar with this phrase. Should this be auditing? This is also a dangling participle, since the challenge isn't auditioning - the subjects carrying out the action of auditioning are missing from the sentence.
They should've had petitioners under their door - at their door? Something else? "under their door" isn't an idiom and doesn't make literal sense either.
I like the observation about Roberto's growing unease about the townspeople's reticence.
And he didn't like the way Signora O'Brien looked - had looked
Hiraga probably forgot - had probably forgotten (can get away with had probably forgot if you prefer it)
The way the woman had looked at Hiraga when he said anything, with zealous hunger. - No quibble here! You asked for notes on your overall style and how it's changed, and I fear that project is out of scope for now for me even though I'm familiar. However, this is a technique I'd recognise as one you favour, possibly even in an exchange's anon period - the thoughts trailing off, then a grammatically independent statement, that uses a different structure so it can't follow on from the trailed-off thought, but that is emotionally relevant and emotionally charged It's doing what you need it to here.
just to give his panic some shape - I like this phrase! And I like the short urgent preceding sentences.
Hiraga must've - You use the 've contraction in non-dialogue more often than I expect, in general.
half-strangled by his burning lungs - Hm. I like the intensity of this, but the actual image doesn't work for me when I think about it - I only get something absurd, someone's esophagus twisted in a knot or something.
You'll have to stall until then, and I don't care how. - This instruction confuses me a little. He hasn't even found Hiraga; "stall" seems to require they are aware of a specific likely time-sensitive occurrence, and I don't think they can have that information. Also, I realise Lauren is also pining over Hiraga, but this seems like a big ask that is likely to get two Fathers killed, not one. Or, tl;dr - this is a dramatic statement but it doesn't quite work for me.
He would've missed the clearing if Lauren, in-between the bouts of swearing, wasn't giving him very precise directions. Here, your use of "would've" is particularly marked and unusual because although this is continually in his perspective, I don't think we're meant to take this as close to a reported thought, since it's a summary. The further away from dialogue they are, the less natural "should've" and "could've" and "would've" feel. In between should not be hyphenated here. I also quibble about the directions. You might know better than I would, but I don't see how Lauren, at a distance, having never been there before, and relying on what - Google Maps? - can give Roberto directions about the individual twists of trails on the ground in a small town/rural area. I would believe he'd be able to direct Roberto to the start of an old trail that's since grown over, maybe, but something more detailed than that seems implausible. And how did Roberto even know which direction to take? Are they going off Hiraga's phone's GPS signal? The sheer urgency smooths this over a bit in the moment, but not entirely.
His exhausted brain - already? Maybe overworked? I like the grim incongruity of the mental cartoon, though.
he was familiar with the cloth intimately, after years of ironing it - no grammar problem here and the phrase is perfectly serviceable, but I'm quibbling: the explanation feels a little intrusive, like Roberto's looking at the camera to say "You must be wondering how I knew it". And the only reason is it's worth raising is that I feel you could get more mileage out of that important sense of service if you tweaked this a bit more.
and the stained glass - stained glass, no 'the'. (In what way is it "roughly" built if it has stained glass? I'm willing to believe but not quite sure what I'm meant to picture. I think you're using roughly to gesture at a sense, but it doesn't offer up anything concrete to me.) I like the way you finish on "Its doors were open".
Signora O'Brien held court, standing in front of the altar, glowing with intent anger. - this is a nice balance of clear and dramatic
Lord's will, but - I would change that comma to a spaced hyphen or en dash to match what's after words, since "the lamb and our children and Lord's will" is a parenthetical interjection and should have the same punctuation on either side.
He knew what to do with perfect clarity - I like the emotions here, and I like his own certainty about his priorities. Very subjectively, I think I'd like it even more if this paragraph were slowed down or broken out or expanded, so that you give us space to linger on this very emotional moment even more. (Plus helps smooth over the contradiction from not knowing what to do three paragraphs ago to knowing perfectly now.)
In his other ear, Lauren was demanding updates with increasing fervor. Roberto whispered to him what he was going to do and hid the phone under the vestibule bench, cutting off Lauren’s anger. - Hm. You only give Lauren one line of dialogue in this scene, compared to at least four indirect summations. And I actually think more Lauren dialogue would get in the way. But because the summations are quite vague - he's swearing constantly, or he's giving directions I find implausible, or you talk about "increasing fervor" and thus imply a significant chunk of dialogue in order to allow that fervor to build, within a very compressed space in the narrative - that to me starts feeling noticeable as authorial shortcut. Separately, Roberto telling Lauren what he's going to do gives me pause - does he need to? why does he want to? Is he hoping this will reassure Lauren about Hiraga's fate? I'm skeptical that anything Roberto could say about that would be very reassuring.
Then he slammed the doors open I thought the doors were open? otherwise, what would he see when peering through the vestibule?
create in me a clean heart
You ask for comments on writing style changes. I'm not sure that's within scope, sorry - I have read many of your stories over many years but I'd still need to review a lot to answer you. Maybe we can make it a separate trade. Still, I've tried to keep my impressions of past fics in mind here.
I like what you focus on. There's just about zero waffle or unnecessary detail; at the same time, I feel I mostly have the information I need. You're very good at bringing relevant emotions quickly to the fore.
I'm not totally sure that the place where you start it makes sense. I think that the baseline time context being "we've conducted some interviews" might more sense than "we've just arrived". The alternating POV between Hiraga and Roberto mostly works, but a pure Roberto viewpoint until the last scene might also work, because, to me, there are some big gaps in the Hiraga perspective.
Details:
Hiraga had loved the town from the first jet-lagged glance.
No grammar problem here, and it's a nice clear sentence doling out a useful and manageable amount of information. However, on second reading, "loved" rather than "had loved" would make more sense to me because we don't spend enough time in this story hanging around the town before the action begins for this to feel like a distinct past. (If I'd been beta reading and making that suggestion, you would also have needed to tweak some grammar in the following paragraph. "Roberto had grumbled" would be fine; "Hiraga hadn't minded" would need adjusting.
I like maple shadows and green knees.
Ryuota's remission held, on the phone his brother was effortlessly cheerful, and all was right with the world. - Minor quibble. It's a little odd to me that you refer to Ryuota in two different ways in such a short space of time - on the first read, canon-unfamiliar, I assumed Ryuota and brother were different people. But it's minor because I don't really see how else you would efficiently and clearly convey this set of ideas.
an audit of a would-be saint - minor quibble but I thought the premise of the show was that that described all their cases?
Over the forty years since - Minor quibble. You later say the woman is in her sixties. "Child" here doesn't require the woman to be a teen or younger at the time, but does imply it; the timeline currently requires her to have been in her twenties at the time. "Forty-odd" or something would smooth it over.
It was a bit weird that the town’s community wasn't quite united behind this petition. The parishioners, while polite to them, seemed very cautious with their words.
To me, this is an abrupt transition. We've had the past of them arriving, then info about the case, and now "They arrived and then…" is still the context for whatever happens next. It makes me blink a bit that you then imply and skate over a raft of other events (check-ins, interviews, note-comparings) that are also in the past. The information in the paragraph is otherwise clear and it doesn't take me too long to catch up.
Roberto would find everything out in the due time - delete the
unexplainable and durable - unexplainable is fine, but inexplicable is less marked in this context. Durable isn't quite right - it's how you'd describe how you'd expect something to behave in the future (like if you're selling a suitcase), not how it's behaved up until this point. Enduring or resilient are options that work better for me.
woman in sixties - woman in her sixties (I like the food details to establish an unwelcoming atmosphere)
she was in very good health for all that she didn't seem to like them much - this distracts me; "for all" requires there to be some relation between these two facts, and there doesn't seem to be one.
which was weird because - does Hiraga use the word weird a lot? If not, that's twice in quick succession, distracting me a little. And he uses it soon again below.
no older than Ryota - Same person previously spelled Ryuota, or different?
He told her as such, and saw a first real expression - He told her such, and saw the first real expression
As always when the conversations lagged, Roberto stepped back into fray - the phrase before the comma is grammatically fine, but because it's plural, it's better suited to describe a group of situations, ie, "As always when the conversations lagged, Roberto [did a similar thing over several separate events]". Because what's being compared is single/unique, "As always when a conversation lagged" works better as a direct comparison. Also: into the fray.
until the coffee was finished and they left - probably best to have a comma after finished, if not some other tweak, otherwise both attach to "until", and "they finished coffee & left" is not a simultaneous, compound action.
"growing up with the other people thinking of her mother as a saint." - delete the before other? Fine if it's Hiraga's specific speech pattern, and okay as part of the general imperfection of speech otherwise, but not standard.
Roberto said pensively and refused to comment further. - You can get away with it, but when it's dialogue - speech verb - other stuff like this, I tend to prefer a comma after the phrase including the speech verb (or, comma after pensively) to avoid the structure of said & refused both taking the dialogue as their object.
Roberto caught Lauren scowling at him darkly from the screen and hastily excused himself before Hiraga could notice and become upset with both of them.
- I found this transition a little difficult. For one, there are hints, but since I wasn't expecting the POV to switch, I was trying to reconcile this with Hiraga's POV. For another, I'm a little confused about the sequence of events - did Roberto not know Hiraga was planning to call Lauren? Not clear if so. Did he know and think it would be fine and change his mind? That fits the text better, but in that case, I'm surprised Lauren's Lovelorn Scowl (over a very routine call) changed his mind so much. Does Lauren really scowl at Roberto for existing when Hiraga has called him to consult? It seems a little dramatic. Basically, I feel I can see why you want this sequence of events in order to bring up Roberto's feelings, but it feels a little forced.
Otherwise, from Hiraga's impression, I like the sequence of ideas. I like how this allows Roberto to overlook/justify Hiraga talking about Roberto's virtues without coming to the conclusion that Hiraga adores him - that's clever.
The wheels of the Vatican turned slowly but surely, grinding visionaries into dust one year and elevating them the next - I'm not sure about how the dust fits into this. Is it a progression? It doesn't work for Hiraga's elevation since he isn't being ground into dust first. If you're talking about caprice, I'm not sure how the sentiment fits. If this is a comment on how people have to be dead to be elevated, it makes sense but it might be too subtle for a comparison that works for people who are alive.
Sooner or later he'd be raised high, way beyond Roberto's grasp. - very minor note: I'd use far rather than way, since far is more formal, suited to the elevated tone
And no, Roberto wasn't a good enough man to console Lauren with this knowledge. - Hm. I like how this bridges to "But he could do his work". I see the callback to the sentiment about telling Lauren they aren't in competition. Here, though, is where the sentiment loses me, because it makes me imagine Roberto saying this to Lauren and Lauren reacting with disbelieving exasperation to the melodrama. And it's hard for me to buy any other character reacting with the kind of grudging gratitude Roberto seems to expect would occur. The idea that Roberto thinks this speech about the pedestal he's put Hiraga on - because imagining Hiraga's kindness to others as perfectly impersonal is kind of insulting to Hiraga, actually - makes me question Roberto's judgement and therefore makes me less willing to entertain his other emotional pronouncements.
there were weird lacunae in their interviews with the locals, slow undercurrents of tension - the use of weird is definitely chiming for me now; I like the feeling I get from "slow" here but I'm not actually sure what you mean by it.
Usually, when auditioning a saint, the challenge was - I'm not familiar with this phrase. Should this be auditing? This is also a dangling participle, since the challenge isn't auditioning - the subjects carrying out the action of auditioning are missing from the sentence.
They should've had petitioners under their door - at their door? Something else? "under their door" isn't an idiom and doesn't make literal sense either.
I like the observation about Roberto's growing unease about the townspeople's reticence.
And he didn't like the way Signora O'Brien looked - had looked
Hiraga probably forgot - had probably forgotten (can get away with had probably forgot if you prefer it)
The way the woman had looked at Hiraga when he said anything, with zealous hunger. - No quibble here! You asked for notes on your overall style and how it's changed, and I fear that project is out of scope for now for me even though I'm familiar. However, this is a technique I'd recognise as one you favour, possibly even in an exchange's anon period - the thoughts trailing off, then a grammatically independent statement, that uses a different structure so it can't follow on from the trailed-off thought, but that is emotionally relevant and emotionally charged It's doing what you need it to here.
just to give his panic some shape - I like this phrase! And I like the short urgent preceding sentences.
Hiraga must've - You use the 've contraction in non-dialogue more often than I expect, in general.
half-strangled by his burning lungs - Hm. I like the intensity of this, but the actual image doesn't work for me when I think about it - I only get something absurd, someone's esophagus twisted in a knot or something.
You'll have to stall until then, and I don't care how. - This instruction confuses me a little. He hasn't even found Hiraga; "stall" seems to require they are aware of a specific likely time-sensitive occurrence, and I don't think they can have that information. Also, I realise Lauren is also pining over Hiraga, but this seems like a big ask that is likely to get two Fathers killed, not one. Or, tl;dr - this is a dramatic statement but it doesn't quite work for me.
He would've missed the clearing if Lauren, in-between the bouts of swearing, wasn't giving him very precise directions. Here, your use of "would've" is particularly marked and unusual because although this is continually in his perspective, I don't think we're meant to take this as close to a reported thought, since it's a summary. The further away from dialogue they are, the less natural "should've" and "could've" and "would've" feel. In between should not be hyphenated here. I also quibble about the directions. You might know better than I would, but I don't see how Lauren, at a distance, having never been there before, and relying on what - Google Maps? - can give Roberto directions about the individual twists of trails on the ground in a small town/rural area. I would believe he'd be able to direct Roberto to the start of an old trail that's since grown over, maybe, but something more detailed than that seems implausible. And how did Roberto even know which direction to take? Are they going off Hiraga's phone's GPS signal? The sheer urgency smooths this over a bit in the moment, but not entirely.
His exhausted brain - already? Maybe overworked? I like the grim incongruity of the mental cartoon, though.
he was familiar with the cloth intimately, after years of ironing it - no grammar problem here and the phrase is perfectly serviceable, but I'm quibbling: the explanation feels a little intrusive, like Roberto's looking at the camera to say "You must be wondering how I knew it". And the only reason is it's worth raising is that I feel you could get more mileage out of that important sense of service if you tweaked this a bit more.
and the stained glass - stained glass, no 'the'. (In what way is it "roughly" built if it has stained glass? I'm willing to believe but not quite sure what I'm meant to picture. I think you're using roughly to gesture at a sense, but it doesn't offer up anything concrete to me.) I like the way you finish on "Its doors were open".
Signora O'Brien held court, standing in front of the altar, glowing with intent anger. - this is a nice balance of clear and dramatic
Lord's will, but - I would change that comma to a spaced hyphen or en dash to match what's after words, since "the lamb and our children and Lord's will" is a parenthetical interjection and should have the same punctuation on either side.
He knew what to do with perfect clarity - I like the emotions here, and I like his own certainty about his priorities. Very subjectively, I think I'd like it even more if this paragraph were slowed down or broken out or expanded, so that you give us space to linger on this very emotional moment even more. (Plus helps smooth over the contradiction from not knowing what to do three paragraphs ago to knowing perfectly now.)
In his other ear, Lauren was demanding updates with increasing fervor. Roberto whispered to him what he was going to do and hid the phone under the vestibule bench, cutting off Lauren’s anger. - Hm. You only give Lauren one line of dialogue in this scene, compared to at least four indirect summations. And I actually think more Lauren dialogue would get in the way. But because the summations are quite vague - he's swearing constantly, or he's giving directions I find implausible, or you talk about "increasing fervor" and thus imply a significant chunk of dialogue in order to allow that fervor to build, within a very compressed space in the narrative - that to me starts feeling noticeable as authorial shortcut. Separately, Roberto telling Lauren what he's going to do gives me pause - does he need to? why does he want to? Is he hoping this will reassure Lauren about Hiraga's fate? I'm skeptical that anything Roberto could say about that would be very reassuring.
Then he slammed the doors open I thought the doors were open? otherwise, what would he see when peering through the vestibule?