I really liked the tone of this - it's so warm and loving, and paints such a lovely picture of how much Aulia and Haidrul care for each other and how well they support each other. Both of them feel fully fleshed-out as characters and I really enjoyed getting to know them!
This fic does feel, to me, like two separate stories competing with each other. Every time it switched back to the present or into the past, I felt like I was being pulled away from what I really wanted to read. Both stories are very compelling, and that's why I wish one had been given the primary focus, so it could really shine.
It might be something to keep in mind going forward, if you have multiple ideas you're trying to work into one fic. (In this case, Aulia and Haidrul's story of their youth, and Kamaria's story of being told that story.) Do they compliment each other, or do they compete? Can you devote equal attention to them both? Here, Kamaria feels less developed than Aulia and Haidrul, almost more of a plot device than a person, like your attention wasn't really on her.
I want to repeat, though, that I really liked this fic, and the structure only started to nag at me as I sat down to deliberately pull it apart.
To specifically address some of your questions:
What do you think of the prose? What worked for you, and what places are confusing and/or long-winded? Your writing style is clear and easy to read; the prose never got in my way, and only caught my attention when it was with a particularly nice turn of phrase, rather than pulling me out of the story to puzzle over a sentence.
Do the characters' motivations/actions appear internally consistent through the story? For Aulia and Haidrul, yes. Not only do their past selves have clear and consistent motives, but it's very easy to see their young selves aging into the characters in the present day of the fic.
Does their dialogue seem realistic? There are some places where they seem to be saying what you need them to say, rather than what they would want to say in that moment; I noticed this primarily in the present day segments. A few examples:
“I suppose you’re going to tell me about cleansing the house next,” she ventured.
“I can see you thinking,” Aulia said, her eyes twinkling once more, “do I still have the amulet now?”
“It paved the way for what came next,” she agreed.
There are present day segments that don't draw attention to the fact that the past segments are a story being told in the present, so the dialogue that only serves to reinforce that framing caught my attention.
That said, the dialogue in the past segments is solid and enjoyable to read!
What parts of my writing could afford to be embellished more? Are there leaps of logic that don't make sense to you as a reader? Conversely, is there anywhere I'm getting bogged down in over-explaining things or repeating obvious details? I think you hit just the right balance between detail and sparsity, actually. Setting and action are always as clear as they need to be, and when you do linger on details they feel worthy of the attention.
Concrit for Aulia and Haidrul's Enchanted Weapons and Wares
This fic does feel, to me, like two separate stories competing with each other. Every time it switched back to the present or into the past, I felt like I was being pulled away from what I really wanted to read. Both stories are very compelling, and that's why I wish one had been given the primary focus, so it could really shine.
It might be something to keep in mind going forward, if you have multiple ideas you're trying to work into one fic. (In this case, Aulia and Haidrul's story of their youth, and Kamaria's story of being told that story.) Do they compliment each other, or do they compete? Can you devote equal attention to them both? Here, Kamaria feels less developed than Aulia and Haidrul, almost more of a plot device than a person, like your attention wasn't really on her.
I want to repeat, though, that I really liked this fic, and the structure only started to nag at me as I sat down to deliberately pull it apart.
To specifically address some of your questions:
What do you think of the prose? What worked for you, and what places are confusing and/or long-winded? Your writing style is clear and easy to read; the prose never got in my way, and only caught my attention when it was with a particularly nice turn of phrase, rather than pulling me out of the story to puzzle over a sentence.
Do the characters' motivations/actions appear internally consistent through the story? For Aulia and Haidrul, yes. Not only do their past selves have clear and consistent motives, but it's very easy to see their young selves aging into the characters in the present day of the fic.
Does their dialogue seem realistic? There are some places where they seem to be saying what you need them to say, rather than what they would want to say in that moment; I noticed this primarily in the present day segments. A few examples:
“I suppose you’re going to tell me about cleansing the house next,” she ventured.
“I can see you thinking,” Aulia said, her eyes twinkling once more, “do I still have the amulet now?”
“It paved the way for what came next,” she agreed.
There are present day segments that don't draw attention to the fact that the past segments are a story being told in the present, so the dialogue that only serves to reinforce that framing caught my attention.
That said, the dialogue in the past segments is solid and enjoyable to read!
What parts of my writing could afford to be embellished more? Are there leaps of logic that don't make sense to you as a reader? Conversely, is there anywhere I'm getting bogged down in over-explaining things or repeating obvious details? I think you hit just the right balance between detail and sparsity, actually. Setting and action are always as clear as they need to be, and when you do linger on details they feel worthy of the attention.