Thank you so much for this detailed crit! I have found it really useful to get a comment from someone completely outside the usual readership of these stories. I think that most of my readers have already read some of the other stories, either mine or those of the other contributors to the universe, but of course a random reader might have picked "Retail" and have no background.
"Retail" is a side story and probably has the least development of all of my 2770auc fics, and as such it shows up my problematic tendencies very clearly. Your comments on my overuse of specialized vocabulary and random details are very useful, as is the inconsistent characterisation. I can see that, even in this little vignette, some judicious editing and expansion would improve it. Even though I probably won't do that, the comments you have made will help me going forward.
Phallusy and Drusus Varius Metallus are the creations of Mossgreen, so Phallusy is DVM's company.
no subject
"Retail" is a side story and probably has the least development of all of my 2770auc fics, and as such it shows up my problematic tendencies very clearly. Your comments on my overuse of specialized vocabulary and random details are very useful, as is the inconsistent characterisation. I can see that, even in this little vignette, some judicious editing and expansion would improve it. Even though I probably won't do that, the comments you have made will help me going forward.
Phallusy and Drusus Varius Metallus are the creations of Mossgreen, so Phallusy is DVM's company.