Concrit for Soryenn

[soryenn]

I want to receive feedback by : Email, Discord PM, Comment on my DW post in this community

Here are the works I want feedback on (optional: and my safe works are...): Anything on this list!

My works' fandoms and content notes are: Fandoms are Gundam Wing (5), YuGiOh!DM (3), X/1999 (1), Simoun (1), Rogue One (3), A Song of Ice and Fire (1), Monkey Island (1) and Original Work (1).
All works rated G or T. Pairings are M/M, F/F, M/M/M and M/M/F.

I have these questions for readers:
- How is the characterization? Do the characters feel likable? Can you relate to their emotions, and in general, are the emotions well conveyed or not?
- Are my in medias res beginnings working? How can I make the endings better?
- Can you follow what’s going on in action scenes? Is my general lack of descriptions an issue?
- Are there parts that left you confused? I usually leave a lot unsaid to leave room for interpretation, but do I leave too much unsaid?
- How can I make better summaries? I also have issues choosing tags, so any help with that would be appreciated.
- And/or anything else you want to point out and that I'm not thinking of!

The style of feedback I prefer to receive is:
- Direct and geared towards improvement would be best: tell me what works and how I can do better for what doesn’t.
- A note on SPAG: I’m ESL. Please tell me if there are misused punctuation, awkward sentences, words I’ve mistaken for others, etc. (especially for repeating mistakes), I'd really appreciate it. If you want to do only SPAG concrit, I’ll be super fine with that as well. (Except for All Three of Our Hearts and Cherry Blossoms and Camellias which have been SPAG-checked by a native speaker already)

Comments to this post will be: Unscreened

Comments

Concrit for On The Edge

[unspeakablehorror]

Hi, here is concrit for On The Edge.

Having seen Rogue One twice, I have enough background to understand who these characters are and how you've changed their trajectories.

- How is the characterization? Do the characters feel likable? Can you relate to their emotions, and in general, are the emotions well conveyed or not?

I do get some sense of the different character personalities here. Likable is a quite variable quality depending a lot on reader preference. Many of the characters I personally 'like' are often those I would loathe if I could somehow meet them in real life, but I can also find more laudable characters interesting. Cassian and Jyn's backgrounds are intriguing to me, and I like K2SO a lot. Bodhi is a lot more of a cipher to me--I just didn't get as much of an impression of him as an individual from the movie. So I think it could be interesting to fill in some more details about him, either from your own speculations and extrapolations or from other canon materials. I thought it made sense that Cassian and Jyn would be more aggressive in arguments than Bodhi from what I know of their personalities, which is what you presented here. I would have enjoyed getting a little more details of their argument dialogue before the trail off.

In general I often don't relate to character's emotions so much as I either do or don't enjoy them being played out. What I enjoy most are the tensions and conflicts between characters and how those are (or aren't) resolved. Here Cassian, Jyn, and K2SO provide a decent amount of tension and conflict in their interactions between each other and with Bodhi. I felt that their emotions for each other and their situation were fairly clear. I think you captured a clear polyship dynamic here. It's clear they all have feelings for each other. My understanding from the tags and story content is that this is where Bodhi admits his feelings and finds out they are reciprocated.

Personally I'd like to see a bit more of Bodhi's thought process here leading up to his declaration.


- Are my in medias res beginnings working? How can I make the endings better?


I think where you started is perfectly fine. Your ending makes sense as well, though I'd enjoy a little more interaction between them and K2SO.


- Can you follow what’s going on in action scenes? Is my general lack of descriptions an issue?


Yes, I can follow the action scenes well enough, though more context wouldn't hurt, either. I'm a big fan of action, so I like to get the details on what's going on, especially things that help increase the tension, like when characters are discovered, barely escaping a deadly attack, or escaping somewhere just in time to avoid death. Drawing out the scene where Jyn, Cassian and Bodhi successfully neutralize the droid and think they're safe only to be attacked shortly after, for example, could increase the narrative impact of that scene.

I think more description in certain areas could improve the story, particularly more detail in the action scenes as mentioned earlier, the dialogue, and the character's thoughts. Of course it's also important not to make such things overly detailed to the point it breaks suspension of disbelief, but I think there's room to add a little extra here and there.

Some miscellaneous description thoughts:

"Cursing Agaris’ climate, Cassian wipes his forehead with his sleeve for what seems to be the hundredth time today."

This sentence starts out with the very general 'Cursing Agaris' climate...'. I think it would do better with the specifics put first, maybe something like this:

"Cassian wipes his forehead with his sleeve for what seems to be the hundredth time today, cursing the climate of Agaris."

Climate could also be replaced with a more specific word or phrase like 'muggy' or 'stifling' heat.

You could also mention insects, which are generally common in hot, moist areas, and large mushrooms, which Wookiepedia indicates are prominent and large on this planet, based on the cover of a comic it features in.


- Are there parts that left you confused? I usually leave a lot unsaid to leave room for interpretation, but do I leave too much unsaid?


Was a little confused by this part:
"Later, as they finally reach their ship, panting and not a little bruised, Cassian kisses him hard against the closing door, trembling hands holding on to his jacket like a lifeline."

Agaris sounds sweltering, so why was Cassian still wearing a jacket? Not completely implausible, I guess, but he doesn't always wear a jacket in the movie either, and it seems like having just come out of sweltering heat combined with exertion would be good reasons not to wear one.

But overall I don't find the story particularly confusing or difficult to follow. I'd love to see more dialogue between the characters and internal ruminations, though. Dialogue responding to their current situation can help add depth to character interactions while still leaving a lot to interpretation since characters generally don't just say everything that comes to mind. And sometimes it's interesting to explore what a character says vs what they think.


- How can I make better summaries? I also have issues choosing tags, so any help with that would be appreciated.


Summary and tags seemed quite adequate to me.

"AU: Somehow, they survived Scarif."

Clear and to the point! I like it!


- And/or anything else you want to point out and that I'm not thinking of!


I probably wouldn't have noticed that you weren't a native English speaker if you hadn't mentioned it--your English seems pretty good, and in general I've seen enough overlap between the types of errors native speakers make and the types foreign speakers make in my time as a reader of various texts that I've started to doubt my ability to reliably distinguish between the two. Still, most works have a few SPAG errors, so here's a couple I noticed here:

“I had backup plans, just not one specifically for being stuck there,” Cassian answers through gritted teeth.

This should say 'stuck here' instead. Here always refers to the place the speaker/thinker currently is at, there to some place they are not currently at.

Also this:

“The death time confession,” Cassian answers in a ragged breath.

should maybe say something like "That dying confession" or maybe "Waiting until you think you're about to die to say something like that". I don't think 'death time' is either grammatically correct here or an informal speech pattern I'd expect in this context.

I don't think any of that's a huge deal, but I thought I'd mention it since you mentioned being interested in SPAG errors.

Overall, I enjoyed that this story combined the romance with action and a specific goal (uploading K2SO to a new body), and just would have liked to see a little more of what the characters were thinking and saying about either of those things, and maybe a bit more detail on the action scenes.

Re: Concrit for On The Edge

[soryenn]

Hi! Thank you very much for your concrit, and my apologies for not answering sooner.

I think you captured a clear polyship dynamic here. It's clear they all have feelings for each other. My understanding from the tags and story content is that this is where Bodhi admits his feelings and finds out they are reciprocated. Personally I'd like to see a bit more of Bodhi's thought process here leading up to his declaration.

Ah, great! Polyship dynamic can be tricky to set up in a short piece so I'm glad it worked well here. Agreed that I could have been closer in POV and detailed his thoughts more.

I think more description in certain areas could improve the story, particularly more detail in the action scenes as mentioned earlier, the dialogue, and the character's thoughts.

I know this is one of my weaknesses, but I'm glad it didn't stop you from understanding/enjoying the story. Thank you for the details examples, those are very useful. I did saw the mushrooms, I remember that... and yet somehow they never ended up in the story.
As for Cassian's jacket as you mention a bit farther... I could pretend it's a sci-fi cooling jacket but the truth is that I forgot.

Dialogue responding to their current situation can help add depth to character interactions while still leaving a lot to interpretation since characters generally don't just say everything that comes to mind.

Yes, and I do love playing with that. I just end up with a lot more unsaid than is desirable.

Since my usual process is writing down the actions beats + dialogue then doing multiple passes during which I detail thoughts and actions, I think adding a few more passes is probably the way to go.

I corrected the mistake on "stuck there" and am trying to think on a suitable alternative to "death time". I rather liked it, so it's a kill your darlings time for me. XD

Thank you again! This was very useful. Hope you have a wonderful day!