Concrit for Soryenn

[soryenn]

I want to receive feedback by : Email, Discord PM, Comment on my DW post in this community

Here are the works I want feedback on (optional: and my safe works are...): Anything on this list!

My works' fandoms and content notes are: Fandoms are Gundam Wing (5), YuGiOh!DM (3), X/1999 (1), Simoun (1), Rogue One (3), A Song of Ice and Fire (1), Monkey Island (1) and Original Work (1).
All works rated G or T. Pairings are M/M, F/F, M/M/M and M/M/F.

I have these questions for readers:
- How is the characterization? Do the characters feel likable? Can you relate to their emotions, and in general, are the emotions well conveyed or not?
- Are my in medias res beginnings working? How can I make the endings better?
- Can you follow what’s going on in action scenes? Is my general lack of descriptions an issue?
- Are there parts that left you confused? I usually leave a lot unsaid to leave room for interpretation, but do I leave too much unsaid?
- How can I make better summaries? I also have issues choosing tags, so any help with that would be appreciated.
- And/or anything else you want to point out and that I'm not thinking of!

The style of feedback I prefer to receive is:
- Direct and geared towards improvement would be best: tell me what works and how I can do better for what doesn’t.
- A note on SPAG: I’m ESL. Please tell me if there are misused punctuation, awkward sentences, words I’ve mistaken for others, etc. (especially for repeating mistakes), I'd really appreciate it. If you want to do only SPAG concrit, I’ll be super fine with that as well. (Except for All Three of Our Hearts and Cherry Blossoms and Camellias which have been SPAG-checked by a native speaker already)

Comments to this post will be: Unscreened

Comments

Re: Concrit for On The Edge

[soryenn]

Hi! Thank you very much for your concrit, and my apologies for not answering sooner.

I think you captured a clear polyship dynamic here. It's clear they all have feelings for each other. My understanding from the tags and story content is that this is where Bodhi admits his feelings and finds out they are reciprocated. Personally I'd like to see a bit more of Bodhi's thought process here leading up to his declaration.

Ah, great! Polyship dynamic can be tricky to set up in a short piece so I'm glad it worked well here. Agreed that I could have been closer in POV and detailed his thoughts more.

I think more description in certain areas could improve the story, particularly more detail in the action scenes as mentioned earlier, the dialogue, and the character's thoughts.

I know this is one of my weaknesses, but I'm glad it didn't stop you from understanding/enjoying the story. Thank you for the details examples, those are very useful. I did saw the mushrooms, I remember that... and yet somehow they never ended up in the story.
As for Cassian's jacket as you mention a bit farther... I could pretend it's a sci-fi cooling jacket but the truth is that I forgot.

Dialogue responding to their current situation can help add depth to character interactions while still leaving a lot to interpretation since characters generally don't just say everything that comes to mind.

Yes, and I do love playing with that. I just end up with a lot more unsaid than is desirable.

Since my usual process is writing down the actions beats + dialogue then doing multiple passes during which I detail thoughts and actions, I think adding a few more passes is probably the way to go.

I corrected the mistake on "stuck there" and am trying to think on a suitable alternative to "death time". I rather liked it, so it's a kill your darlings time for me. XD

Thank you again! This was very useful. Hope you have a wonderful day!