Concrit for SegaBarrett

[misspinkman]

I want to receive feedback by:
- Comment on my DW post in this community

Here are the works I want feedback on (optional: and my safe works are...): AO3. Any, though I am particularly interested in feedback on my two new 13RW fics about Bryce ("feel like you're treading water..." and "won't you allow yourself fall...")

My works' fandoms and content notes are: First fic has allusions to non-con but nothing explicit, the second includes references to non-con that are important to the story but again, not explicit

I have these questions for readers: Are these works effective? What would you like to see more/less of? Where could I improve the focus? Do the characters ring true to life?

I would prefer gentle (5) or direct (1) feedback, or something in between: 3

Comments

[skara]

I'm not familiar with 13 Reasons Why either, so I chose Time to Wake Up to go over instead.

Is this effective?

YES. The choppiness works, and Charlotte's tangled way of thinking comes across pretty well. Dolores' unshakable conviction and general creepy zealotry all come through.

What would you like to see more/less of?

• I feel like maybe a scene with Charlotte's husband was missing? I think one could have fit right after the 'When Dolores is next to her' scene, and would have been an interesting contrast to Charlotte's fixation on Dolores.
• I like how spare your writing is for this fic, but I feel like you could have taken it a notch further. There are sentences that could be cut, shortened or rewritten for better overall impact.

Where could I improve the focus?

I'm not going to do a full line-by-line treatment, BUT I will highlight some changes I think would have helped make the fic a bit stronger.

First, a spotlight on the first two paragraphs:

You’re waking up.

That’s always her first thought – there is always a sense of narration dancing around her mind. The part of her that’s trapped in, the one that always remains a mystery but, well, there she has it. She’s waking up.

I really like that you went with the traditional opening line + implied narration in a way that echoes the show. That said, "a sense of narration" is too vague; it leaves out important information, IMO. When I read that, I want to know who's narrating, and when I think about it some more, how Charlotte feels about her thoughts following that path. I can't remember if it was ever clearly stated in canon whether the hosts can control that specific pattern of thinking, but since Maeve and Dolores frequently go to town modifying their own emotions and stuff, there's leeway for you to have Charlotte be in some control of her inner narrative, at least as much as it'll serve the rest of the fic.

The reason why I harp on that one phrase is, well, the next sentence in the second paragraph: "The part of her that’s trapped in, the one that always remains a mystery but, well, there she has it." Because you don't say who's doing the narration, that sentence has to do way more work than it can support, leaving me either skimming over it out of confusion (first read) or parsing each word closely in a bid to figure out what I'd missed (second read). It needs to be clearer.

Next, re Charlotte's constant thoughts about how Dolores can hear what she's thinking and so forth (e.g. "And there’s no sense in keeping every wonder, every statement, every narration hidden, because after all, Dolores can always hear her.") it occurred to me while rereading that it's not quite clear whether Charlotte is just imagining that, or if you were handwaving in some sort of techy telepathic connection (which the show occasionally abused, at least in Maeve's case). I loved the idea of her not being able to get away from Dolores even in her own mind, but I think it would have been even more striking if Charlotte was hallucinating and that was revealed halfway through.

Now, re the lines I loved most in this fic:

Where exists beyond the reach of Dolores?

And would she even want to be?

She may not sleep, but she tosses and turns.

Turns in revolution, fixed to a beam. To a latch.

I'm going to get all nitpicky over them because I feel like they could be made even better:

• "And would she even want to be?" could be just "Would she even want to be?". It also should be moved to be with the above paragraph to flow better.
• "She may not sleep, but she tosses and turns." I would change this to "Charlotte may not sleep [...]" because I'm super insistent about making sure it's obvious who's being referred to, especially in stretches where I'm writing about multiple characters of the same gender.
• "Turns in revolution, fixed to a beam. To a latch." -- Much as I love how poetic this is, I also feel like it's a little too enigmatic. Food for thought ;D

• Final, possible rework, with a bit of the preceding paragraph included for clarity, and the last line left as is:

  Maybe she could take her son and go. Where, though? Where exists beyond the reach of Dolores?

  Would she even want to be?

  Charlotte may not sleep, but she tosses and turns. Turns in revolution, fixed to a beam. To a latch.

More general suggestions for improvement:

• I liked the choice of present tense for this particular fic---it's definitely the kind of piece that benefits from the extra sense of immediacy. That said, you need to work on keeping your tenses consistent. There were a few places where you fell out of it unnecessarily, something I noticed because I've had issues with keeping shit consistent myself /o\

• You need to work on---I'm not quite sure what to call this, tbh. Connective tissue? Sentence flow? I'm not talking about just grammar and punctuation, though; the content being conveyed is also an issue. Here's a couple examples of what I mean:

  • For the content side of things:

    It’s like she’s back in the park, though she – this her – wasn’t ever there, not the way that Dolores was. But it makes sense with the way Dolores permeates her entire being, the way that she is always watching and waiting. (italics added by me)

    You're missing a connecting piece in this paragraph, an explanation of what makes sense. If you mean Charlotte feels as if she'd been in the park as a host rather than whatever fake memories she has of Charlotte Hale's much less traumatic visits to the park, that means you need a line or two describing that.

  • For the more technical side of things:

    Is Dolores like that, Charlotte wonders, is Dolores sending her out to die because it is the way to get what she wants, even though she loves her in a way not unlike a mother would love a daughter.

    This needs to be broken up to make it flow better. I was gonna do a couple examples with/without italics for the thoughts, but then realized nixing the 'Charlotte wonders' bit would both make the whole thing feel more immediate and mesh better with the rest of the fic, since it's all basically Charlotte's thoughts anyway ;D. So here's my suggested fix:

    Is Dolores like that? Is Dolores sending Charlotte out to die because it is the way to get what she wants, even though she loves Charlotte as a mother would love a daughter?

Hopefully this has been useful to you. If you have any questions or want clarification on any of the points I've made, feel free to sling me a comment, an email or a PM.

[misspinkman]

Thank you so much for writing this review! You gave me a lot to think about and I am going to keep everything in mind for the future. And, ahh, I always end up walking into it when I do present tense, but I try and go back and catch them. I think I may need a to find a specific beta just to keep an eye on my wandering tenses :D

Thank you again! This was my first foray into Westworld fic so I am glad that at least some of it worked - new fandoms always scare the heck out of me ^_^