Concrit for skara

[skara]

I want to receive feedback by: comment on this post, on the fic itself, or send an email to: to at skara.casa (yes, the first half of my email is that short ;D)

Here are the works I want feedback on: Any of the works posted under skaralding are fair game. I am particularly interested in getting feedback on: Figurine, in Reality (HP, 5k), The Return of ANBU Weasel (Naruto, 5k), Unravelling Aymeric (FFXIV, 9k) and bloom (Naruto, 29k)

Work fandoms and content notes: The fandoms I write in are mainly Original Work, Naruto, FFXIV and Harry Potter. I tag my fics pretty thoroughly; incest, rape, underage, graphic violence and character death are my most frequently used warnings. If you want an extra heads up before diving into any of my fics, let me know.

I have these questions for readers:

Questions for specific works:

• For Figurine, in Reality: I feel like this is one of my more balanced works, but I'm curious as to whether there's anything about it that could be improved.
• For The Return of ANBU Weasel: I was going for a sparse, choppy style in this one, and while I think it worked overall, I also wonder if I left too much unsaid.
• For Unravelling Aymeric: this was my first attempt at second person and I'm curious as to whether it worked or not. I'm also curious as to whether the main sex scene outstayed its welcome---I was going for long and lush but feel as if the pacing both dragged towards the end and also maybe didn't deliver on what the story tags set you up to expect.
• For bloom: I feel like the ending for this was too abrupt, but I'm not sure what would be an improvement.

Questions for all my fics in general:

• Did the beginning spark your interest?
• Does the pacing work?
• Is there anything I overuse that stands out strongly to you or feels jarring? Words, phrases, punctuation, formatting, all of that is fair game.
• Does the ending work? Is it too abrupt, or just right?
• Do you feel as if the story delivered on the expectations set up by the summary + tags? In other words, when you you were done with the story, what did you feel was missing?

I would prefer gentle (5) or direct (1) feedback, or something in between: 3 please :D

Comments are unscreened.

Comments

[morbane]

Hi! I'm afraid I don't know the canon, but I love second person and xeno, so I wanted to read over your Unravelling Aymeric.

It’s a bad, bad idea to spend anything longer than a few moments in Ishgard.

This is a fun opening and I'm anticipating some entertaining trouble. (Possibly a more gen sort of trouble than is coming, but I doubt I'd be misled, given the tags and initial notes.)

You do so anyway, because the restoration is important enough that other concerns can wait for a little while. The ever-present worry about how things may easily be going off track back on the First dogs your heels, but you rush about lending a helping hand all the same, churning out sheets and overalls by the bundle.

All clear and relevant. There are a lot of modifiers. When I consider what I might cut out, they're all doing useful things, but they still feel like a lot to me. For example, I don't think you need "for a little while". And "for the same" is doing more work in its context than "for a little while", but the information is already implied by the fact that the narrator is staying despite her worry.

The last sentence in this paragraph has an extremely long first subject - "The ever-present worry about how things may easily be going off track back on the First" - that is a lot to read to find out what the thing is before finding out what it's doing, and all it's doing in the end is performing a metaphor - this feels like a very complicated way to say "As ever, you worry about how things may be going off track back on the First, but…"

I notice other expository phrases throughout that feel front-loaded this way. (Another is "but the closest thing a rootless adventurer like you can name to it", where "a rootless… name" complicates "the closest thing to it".) Obviously, descriptions aren't the devil, and sometimes you want to slow down the pace deliberately to establish a narrative voice or for other reasons, but I think it's good not to make the reader do more work than they have to in early paragraphs where they're at the most danger of back-clicking. (And I think most of the ones I notice happen towards the start of the story.)

Modifiers aside, the first few paragraphs are an efficient and effective way of giving enough context for the narrator's situation.

It’s when you trudge back to the inn for the night - the establishment of a specific time context feels a bit abrupt to me, because "you rush about lending a helping hand" could have been either specific or general, and the churning/by the bundle descriptions made me think that the narrator's habitual actions were being described.

the Forgotten Knight is many things of an evening - nice efficient way to slip in the name of the inn. I also like the way we learn that she wields an axe through her comment on how she'd like to deal with problems. Really nice combination of giving us information while also feeling like things the character would plausibly think to herself.

Your hands are still stiff from all the weaving - I don't think you need "still"

If you have to deal with any kind of crisis right now - I don't think you need both "right now" and "any kind of" (as opposed to "a").

(and I'll mostly stop talking about too many modifiers here, because even assuming this is a useful point and not just telling you about something you're doing on purpose, I think I've illustrated it enough.)

Whether Gibrillont is expressing disbelief in the idea that Ser Aymeric de Borel, the vaunted Lord Commander of the Temple Knights (and now Speaker of the House of Lords) had truly been the next best thing to a drunkard in earlier days, or simply expressing disbelief at the thought of Ser Aymeric’s longer than usual presence in the inn is unclear. - another very front-loaded sentence.

The last thing you want is to have to walk downstairs and find out. - I'm confused about the choreography. You said she wanted to be waved up to her room - did that happen? Otherwise I get the sense she's standing in the main room of the inn, maybe off to the side a bit. I'm otherwise unsure of the layout, except that it seems the reader character can't see Gibrillont and Aymeric.

No one that eavesdropped on your conversation with Aymeric in the inn would ever be able to tell how deeply you used to dislike him. - Nice hook to start a new section that grabs and refocuses me immediately. (I think it should be 'who', not 'that').

Politeness and a willingness to help does not mean the bestowal of undying friendship on those so helped. It’s shocked you before, the things people have done for you on such mistaken assumptions, the hopes they’ve misplaced, the wounds they’ve taken. - I'm enjoying both the snark and the interesting characterisation here.

a gilding of superiority - oooh, nice phrase

you though to be an appropriately formal Ishgardian dress - thought

You really, really wish you’d had the time to do so before now. You doubt this would be as horribly awkward as it is, staggering step by step towards your room with the lowly humming, definitely drunken weight of the Lord Commander slung over your shoulder. - On a prose level, the sudden switch to "and now he's drunk" works fine, and the transition from the last paragraph to this one is smooth. I'm a little surprised, though, and it makes me scroll back up to see if I missed something earlier.

(You are quite sure Gibrillont’s spite for his reduced business tonight is to blame for his bland insistence that there really were no other rooms available for Aymeric’s use.) - HA. I really like this. Not just "oh noes, no rooms" but a funny reason for "oh noes, no rooms" that builds on the previous scene.

so close to your ear that it takes a monumental effort not to flick it at his face to get him to shut up - nice catgirl detail!

Then that arm moves, and suddenly his fingers are carding gently through your short hair, seeking out your left ear and stroking it. - I'm not sure I'm picturing this correctly. I was imagining that he's in front of her, and partly bent over her shoulder, so his head (at least initially) is drooping over her upper back? Is that right? I'm not quite sure if so what's happening with his arms and how one can slip down over her front- or how that same hand would then reach her head/ears/hair. Surely her body would be in the way? Probably I missed something about the initial set-up, but I'm a little lost at this point.

I love her pique at his nice-smelling feet.

whether it’s even worth mentioning the fact that two out of those three buttons ended up halfway across the room from his misapplied strength - this works as a reveal, but it's dramatic enough and would have annoyed her enough at the time that I would have expected the narrative to comment on it as it was happening, not after.

it heat making your tail twitch - its heat

Somehow, you don’t expect that is how he admits it - the tenses seem a little off to me there. Is it that she didn't expect his admission at all, or didn't expect him to know, or something else? (This also jarred me a bit when I was reading it in the summary.)

without anything but those slow, certain words. - definitely sexy.

drip off his tongue - not quite as sexy to this reader. Without anything (like honey, I guess?) to compare it too, I'm imagining drool, unfortunately.

“I am gathering, from your lack of response, that you would prefer not to indulge,” Aymeric says, some moments later. “Am I correct?”

“Yes,” you should say. “Exactly.” But a nervous twitch of your tail has brought it up just high enough to brush against his hand - very nice pacing.

“You’ll wait around, I assume, and come to me whenever I care to spare you a moment?” -oh NICE. I love her banter-over-serious-question and his response upping the stakes.

“We are.” Aymeric seeks to meet your gaze when he says that, but now you look away, discomfited at the thought of what you are about to ask. “So…” - I really like these little actions - very effective in conveying their respective moods right now.

As he looks at you, his voice trails off into nothing. “Oh. Right.” - this is a bit opaque to me; would it be clearer why he says "Oh. Right." to a canon-familiar reader?

The quiet apology. The air of obvious expectation. The careful, roundabout manner of requesting a bit of naughty, filthy pretence to further spice up your encounter. You’d bet a fistful of gil that Aymeric will enjoy being flayed with words as well as actions. - great! I really like how she came to this conclusion - it's built up really well.

That makes him groan, and makes you much less self-conscious about the fact that to kiss him comfortably while straddling him, you’ll have to position yourself over his belly rather than his groin. - nice detail!

Like anyone who craves this sort of punishment, he does not wish to risk arguing himself out of it; still, he must be chafing at the thought of being put in the same category as leering older merchants and the sort of admirers that fondle your hand instead of simply pressing it. - and very nice thought going into all of her ploys and changes of tack.

one that nearly makes up for your mingled annoyance and humiliation - this distracts me a little, as humiliation is very strong. Do you mean she feels humiliated right now, or are you referring to earlier?

He tastes like salt and skin and natural musk - I like the parallel of 'he smells' / 'he tastes' here, and how it allows you to quickly move the action along.

“Come on,” you say, as you get back off your knees. “Time to return the favour.” - Most of the action in this section is fairly clear and the poses/positions make sense, but I'm not sure about one thing - is she lying on the floor? Or on her bed?

You decide immediately that letting your tail rub against his leaking cock ‘by mistake’ will be more than enough punishment for now. - niiiiice.

You can’t wait to see what it is he wants to say. You’ve always enjoyed hearing that rich, smooth voice. You’re eager as anything to see what Aymeric will sound like when he begs. - This was a little jarring for me because it felt like a sudden "hey just in case you forgot, this is readerfic" emphasis, especially with the repetition of the specific "rich, smooth voice" description from earlier, and the slightly vague "eager as anything".

you hardly know whether you want him to, whether you’d rather Aymeric begged you in that low, rasping tone - this trips me up a little bit - I'm expecting "whether you want him to, or" and something contrasting, so the "whether you'd rather" with nothing contrasted with it made me pause and read the sentence over again.

It hurts. You need more. - nicely intense, as is the rest of the paragraph!

poor Aymeric is already so distracted, breathing heavily, stopping now and then to adjust himself within you, fighting the constant urge to stop and pin you down and ravage you. - This seems like a very nice turnabout of her having to support him to her rooms earlier.

You feel intensely aware of your partial nakedness as you turn around. - That doesn't make obvious sense to me, that she would be then, or what kind of mood goes with that awareness (as it doesn't seem to be embarrassment).

You’re trapped, crowded, cornered. - This makes sense as a call to cat instincts, but the turn to the negative is a little surprising to me, and I feel like it doesn't really go anywhere.

Drops of his saliva spatter down onto your shoulder, something you dimly note must be happening because his tongue is out again. - nice detail

It—he—complies. - that was a little distracting because it read to me as if she was dehumanising him rather than that you were giving the come metaphorical agency.

You’ve no idea how that works—you’re so full, so fucking full, you can’t imagine how there’s even space for his come to spill - also distracting, it doesn't really make sense to me that the come wouldn't be able to spill, but not a big deal.

fuck, he’s starting again, rocking back—“More,” you growl. “More.” - I love that she's almost daunted by the idea for a moment, because it's so much already, but that moment passes VERY quickly and she insists on rising to the challenge.



There's a nice sense of coming down at the ending, with the banter between them. Though ending the story with the end of the sex scene does make me realise I still don't know what they talked about at the bar and how things went before she had to haul him up to her rooms - I think filling in that gap very slightly would help me see the end as more of a conclusion.

I don't think the main sex scene outstayed its welcome at all. It was really good! There was a lot of variety, and a lot of characterisation in it, and I particularly appreciated that it wasn't just a linear progression along things that were more and more enjoyable and closer and closer to orgasms, but had a lot of awkward moments too and some that threatened to derail the sex entirely. Personally, I adore awkward moments in sex scenes - they make it feel real and engaging to me and add really interesting tension.

I don't have any extra tagging suggestions. The tags seemed accurate. 'Tentacle Dick' is a little vague - I might perhaps have expected an even more prehensile dick, but it did have some tentacular aspects.

I enjoyed this! I hope these comments are useful.

[skara]

Hi! So sorry for the late reply, RL has been murder on me recently >.<. First of all, thanks so much for taking the time to go through Unravelling Aymeric line by line. You spotted a lot of little flubs and mistakes I'd missed, you thoroughly addressed my questions for this specific fic, and you gave me a shitton of awesome compliments over the bits that worked for you <3

The fact that you went in without knowing the canon actually proved to be super helpful for spotlighting places where I skimped on description due to assuming readers would fill in necessary details. The inn's layout at the beginning, the place where the main character had Aymeric touching her hair (I only realized I'd skipped making clear exactly how he was slumped over her shoulder when I read your comment /o\)... Seriously, thanks for pointing all this out! One of my major problems is making sure everything I put down makes sense, and the amount of detail you went into on this point was very helpful to me.

Thanks again for this comment! I hope running the exchange didn't stress you out too much, and that you also got some good crit out of it ❤❤❤

[morbane]

Thank you, I'm very glad it was useful!

(Apart from hand-matching taking so long, this was really fun! And even hand-matching wasn't so much stressful as fiddly.)