Concrit for Imperial_Dragon

[imperial_dragon]

I want to receive feedback by:
-Comment on my DW post in this community
-Email imperialdragonreader at gmail.com
-Comment where the work is published (AO3)

Here are the works I want feedback on : anything on AO3 (or a WIP not yet published which I would post here, if that suits a prospective critter better)

My works' fandoms and content notes are: I write Original Works only. One set is part of a shared modern AU ancient Roman universe (2770 auc), the other is a science fantasy story with tangential references to our world but mostly wrapped up in its own universe and not abandoned despite the updates being slow (Kin and Kind). Only one story is complete by itself (Roman AU but not part of a continuing narrative): Retail https://archiveofourown.org/works/17619455. All my works are slavefic. There is some sex but not as much as I hoped, and the kink is pretty minimal. There is reference to noncon, underage and the bad things that sexual slavery implies, and the fics are well tagged.

I have these questions for readers: Your spontaneous impressions. Mainly on flow, concentration on POV detail, characterisation, emotion (and everything) concisely delivered, world building believable, not too info-dumped, and enough shown to be intriguing but not too confusing.Also dialogue, clarity of action and whether my prose is clunky. I am aware that my plots/stories are not necessarily compelling and any advice valued, but this is not my focus. Please comment on anything that occurs to you.

I would prefer gentle (5) or direct (1) feedback, or something in between: Probably in between but maybe 3-2? I value directness and try to do that myself without being harsh.

Comments unscreened.

Comments

[ancslove]

Hello!
I am reviewing Retail. I really enjoyed this story! I love ancient Rome, and this modern version (I understand this story is at least inspired by a larger universe, but I haven’t read any of the original series) is intriguing and well executed.

I liked the way you handled the worldbuilding. The opening two paragraphs set the scene nicely, with the juxtaposition of the Roman world, and all that brings to mind, and the Latinized VosTubam to show the modern setting. The way other details of this slave society unfold was handled well. Through Gallus’ internal reactions and narration, we get a good idea of the world’s mores and culture, without a huge infodump of exposition. Things like his disapproval of the boy’s attitude, his exasperation at the master’s inexperience and mistakes, and thoughts on personal property showed the rules of his society and the expectations for what a respectable master and good slave should be. But the reminders of Gallus’ position as a sales manager, and his self-interest in keeping the customer happy and making the sale, added a nice ambiguity and made Gallus feel like a full character, not an exposition mouthpiece. It’s a great way to make this fic really feel like part of a bigger, lively universe .

Gallus is a great POV character, with a quietly wry inner voice that moves the story along briskly. The modern prose and dialogue, sprinkled with Latin vocabulary, reinforces the worldbuilding and reads quickly and easily. I like the contrast between his internal commentary and his professional, friendly dialogue as he keeps trying to make the sale. Sylvia works well with him, and their salesman/model byplay show how practiced they are at their occupations. The young master isn’t as three-dimensional, but his nervousness and care for Hedylium make him likeable (in a strange way). I would have liked a bit more with the slaves, although I can understand Gallus not really finding them interesting enough to comment on. Their ages, a little more of their backgrounds. There are interesting glimpses to Hedylium, like the way she goes to her master for comfort and her happiness at being given ways to be a better slave. And the boy’s (the poor thing never gets a name – a strong way to show how the master really sees him as a tool, an object) quiet unwillingness and small moments of rebellion provide a good counterpart to Hedylium’s relationship with their master.

The twist at the end, with Gallus and Sylvia, was great. Gallus had been so invested in Phallusy doing well, that it was interesting to see how even some of his inner thoughts were just a front, a salesman doing his job, and he’s planning and dreaming of leaving it all behind. Finding out that he used to be a slave adds nuance to his earlier thoughts about slaves and deepens the worldbuilding. Do pleasure slaves have the opportunity to buy their freedom? Or only “career” slaves? The relationship between Gallus and Sylvia made me go back and find and enjoy the earlier hints you left – her wink, Gallus admiring how convincing she was as a happy slave. Without the pretenses, as much as they can be without pretenses in their current positions, their romance ends the story on a sweet, tender note.

Overall, I found this an effective and immersive Slice of Life story that doesn’t feel it is handholding its readers. It makes me want to discover more about this world.

[imperial_dragon]

Thank you so much for your very kind con crit. I'm glad you enjoyed my story!

I would have liked to include more on the background characters, but the story was so slight that I was worried about overloading it with too many details. This particular shop is actually in front of the owner's house, which is why the owner walks past it everyday. The boy slaves live in the domus, in the owner's household. I think they have been in training and will soon be sent off to other shops in this retail empire.

All slaves are theoretically able to be freed, although not all are offered it or take up the offer. A good owner will make sure his or her pleasure slaves have training to support themselves; not all owners are good.

Your feedback has been very encouraging with regard to world building and point of view reactions. Thank you.