I think you've nailed the voice and the tone from the get-go; it felt to me as if the word choice and dialogue both felt right for the world of myths, and it drew me into the story as a first impression. If I was to suggest any changes, the information and Agamemnon's thoughts about Achilles might better serve the story by being woven into it later. You could begin right with that first conversation and really launch the reader into the story. This is sometimes referred to as taking a breath, and I think the passion and insistence that Achilles needs Agamemnon and not the other way around could be utilised during the smut scene to great effect.
I think the thoughts and desires of Agamemnon are very well established but I'd like to see some more interiority to it — his actions are very sure and go great lengths to establishing a strong character, but for me what the story would benefit from is some more sensory details, especially in terms of pleasure and dominance, and particularly rivalry. He's getting what he wants, but I'd like a little more sensory detail in terms of how he feels about it, what he's feeling, and what he's making Achilles feel. The last three paragraphs are strong in these details (I particularly like: He watched Achilles dress, feigning disinterest. Achilles nodded his assent, cheeks reddened and lips bruised, and departed quickly. Agamemnon watched him disappear into the night. One problem solved).
I wouldn't mind a little more scene setting in the last part as well as a short lead-up to the smut, as it would feel a little more grounded in a sense of place in Agamemnon's tent — how well lit are things? Is Achilles able to hide his humiliation in the shadows, or is it bright? How close are others to be able to hear what's going on? Would Achilles try and stay quiet, or would Agamemnon seek to take advantage of that? Similarly, a little more detail about the bed and contents of the tent would make the scene feel more grounded — just a more detailed setting for the smut to engage with.
I think the ending of the first chapter is very strong. I got a very good sense of the exchange of power that had taken place between them. If anything to strengthen it, I'd still like a little more of a sense of how Agamemnon feels and thinks about the triumph he's managed to exact over Achilles, or how he thinks Achilles feels now as he watches him dress.
Overall, the voice is extremely strong, as well as the dynamic between them. I sincerely believe in the way you write Agamemnon; I think he's well and quickly established, and I fully believed in his actions and his triumph. The ending of the first chapter felt earned, and the domination was hot and well-written.
The second chapter has more of that very strong voice, and some extremely hot smut. I have some short notes for it. I loved seeing the aftermath of what had happened and how it had affected both characters. If anything, I would like to see a little more physical detail in their first exchange of words — how Achilles appears to be feeling or speaking at this point:
“I said no such words that night. And if you were a Commander worth heeding, you wouldn’t have to struggle so hard to maintain your exalted status. You brought Apollo’s wrath upon us, and you had no intention of fixing your mess before I intervened. And see how you repaid me. So now that I see what your leadership is worth, I’ll trouble you no more. We sail in three days’ time.”
Is he too calm for Agamemnon's liking? Or is there a hint that he thinks he's broken him? How is he standing? Where is he looking? These could all give the reader little insights into how the first chapter has affected him.
I'm a big fan of the rest of the second chapter — the smut is hot and the emotions are heightened and desperate as Agamemnon realises it won't work a second time. Overall, I really enjoyed this work, especially the strong narrative voice and how you've established Agamemnon; it really drew me into the story and the world.
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I think you've nailed the voice and the tone from the get-go; it felt to me as if the word choice and dialogue both felt right for the world of myths, and it drew me into the story as a first impression. If I was to suggest any changes, the information and Agamemnon's thoughts about Achilles might better serve the story by being woven into it later. You could begin right with that first conversation and really launch the reader into the story. This is sometimes referred to as taking a breath, and I think the passion and insistence that Achilles needs Agamemnon and not the other way around could be utilised during the smut scene to great effect.
I think the thoughts and desires of Agamemnon are very well established but I'd like to see some more interiority to it — his actions are very sure and go great lengths to establishing a strong character, but for me what the story would benefit from is some more sensory details, especially in terms of pleasure and dominance, and particularly rivalry. He's getting what he wants, but I'd like a little more sensory detail in terms of how he feels about it, what he's feeling, and what he's making Achilles feel. The last three paragraphs are strong in these details (I particularly like: He watched Achilles dress, feigning disinterest. Achilles nodded his assent, cheeks reddened and lips bruised, and departed quickly. Agamemnon watched him disappear into the night. One problem solved).
I wouldn't mind a little more scene setting in the last part as well as a short lead-up to the smut, as it would feel a little more grounded in a sense of place in Agamemnon's tent — how well lit are things? Is Achilles able to hide his humiliation in the shadows, or is it bright? How close are others to be able to hear what's going on? Would Achilles try and stay quiet, or would Agamemnon seek to take advantage of that? Similarly, a little more detail about the bed and contents of the tent would make the scene feel more grounded — just a more detailed setting for the smut to engage with.
I think the ending of the first chapter is very strong. I got a very good sense of the exchange of power that had taken place between them. If anything to strengthen it, I'd still like a little more of a sense of how Agamemnon feels and thinks about the triumph he's managed to exact over Achilles, or how he thinks Achilles feels now as he watches him dress.
Overall, the voice is extremely strong, as well as the dynamic between them. I sincerely believe in the way you write Agamemnon; I think he's well and quickly established, and I fully believed in his actions and his triumph. The ending of the first chapter felt earned, and the domination was hot and well-written.
The second chapter has more of that very strong voice, and some extremely hot smut. I have some short notes for it. I loved seeing the aftermath of what had happened and how it had affected both characters. If anything, I would like to see a little more physical detail in their first exchange of words — how Achilles appears to be feeling or speaking at this point:
“I said no such words that night. And if you were a Commander worth heeding, you wouldn’t have to struggle so hard to maintain your exalted status. You brought Apollo’s wrath upon us, and you had no intention of fixing your mess before I intervened. And see how you repaid me. So now that I see what your leadership is worth, I’ll trouble you no more. We sail in three days’ time.”
Is he too calm for Agamemnon's liking? Or is there a hint that he thinks he's broken him? How is he standing? Where is he looking? These could all give the reader little insights into how the first chapter has affected him.
I'm a big fan of the rest of the second chapter — the smut is hot and the emotions are heightened and desperate as Agamemnon realises it won't work a second time. Overall, I really enjoyed this work, especially the strong narrative voice and how you've established Agamemnon; it really drew me into the story and the world.