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Entry tags:
Concrit for Ancslove
I want to receive feedback by: Comment on either my DW post here or on AO3 comments on the specific work
Here are the works I want feedback on (optional: and my safe works are...): Anything on AO3 is fair game
https://archiveofourown.org/users/ancslove/works
My works' fandoms and content notes are: On AO3 - Buffyverse, Ancient Greek Religion & Lore/The Iliad, Les Miserables, Star Wars. My works have a lot of noncon, all clearly tagged. I like to write noncon, gen, fluffy slice of life
I have these questions for readers:
I would prefer gentle (5) or direct (1) feedback, or something in between: Something in the middle (3-4)
Here are the works I want feedback on (optional: and my safe works are...): Anything on AO3 is fair game
https://archiveofourown.org/users/ancslove/works
My works' fandoms and content notes are: On AO3 - Buffyverse, Ancient Greek Religion & Lore/The Iliad, Les Miserables, Star Wars. My works have a lot of noncon, all clearly tagged. I like to write noncon, gen, fluffy slice of life
I have these questions for readers:
- What is your overall impression?
- Does anything stand out as particularly effective or well done?
- How are the character voices?
- How do you feel about the pacing? Is anything too meandering, or too rushed?
- Does the ending feel complete and earned?
- Anything else you feel could be improved?
I would prefer gentle (5) or direct (1) feedback, or something in between: Something in the middle (3-4)
no subject
What is your overall impression?
I liked it! It was a sweet story and I enjoyed the hurt/comfort aspect. I would've been happy to receive this in an exchange. The title and summary also both fit, and the tags gave a good indication of what to expect.
Does anything stand out as particularly effective or well done?
- The moment Enjolras got hit being described at such a distance (Something slammed into his shoulder) was great. In addition to Enjolras noticing the bullets earlier in the paragraph, it makes it clear what happened and immediately raises the stakes. Enjolras brushing it off also communicates how urgently they need to escape.
- Apparently, Bahorel saved his stylistic flair for his wardrobe, rather than his lodgings. I thought this told us a whole lot about Bahorel. How he appears, what he prioritizes, and his general life circumstances. It also served as a good descriptive note for the apartment without having to go into details.
- Combeferre clearly overestimated him. This made me laugh. It succinctly summarized Enjolras's general attitude toward bedrest. It also set Enjolras up for being excited for a visit from Bahorel.
- The hurt/comfort was well handled. The marble skin comment and the description of Bahorel being outwardly mischievous and inwardly solemn was nice. I thought it communicated his care for Enjolras and was a good note for their dynamic. The soft face touch that followed and how they both held still for it - but then didn't say anything about it! - was also a rich emotional moment. I really loved that part.
Does the ending feel complete and earned?
I'm going to quote the whole ending paragraph so I can talk about two different things:
Another kiss, languorous and sweet. Enjolras settled down in Bahorel's arms, eyes closing. True, he'd never imagined needing or wanting something like this. But the world sat on the brink of change. A new dawn would soon rise over Paris, and Enjolras too could enjoy all its promise.
- I thought this was very sweet. It was a nice warm-and-fuzzy moment and I was happy that they got to A) be together B) settle down and rest in a comfortable bed, haha. The phrasing of the world being on the brink of change and Enjolras enjoying its promise was good. It made me think that nice things were on the horizon for them. Even though the wiki let me know that's… not the case in canon. :') But it gave a feeling that the story was bigger than what we were seeing here, that this romance fit into their overall lives, and I enjoyed that.
- This is a personal opinion, so take it with a grain of salt, but lines at the very end like 'He never thought about this' are not my favorite. It throws me out of the story and gives me the feeling that the character who's thinking it is more 'going along with the situation' rather than being genuinely attracted to the other character. I think this would have worked better earlier on. Ex. between these paragraphs: …Bahorel’s fingers were firm and deft and, above all, caring. / Bahorel fixed one final knot and then stepped away. When it's right at the end, it feels like the character has pulled back from the situation. I think it detracts from the emotional rush. But if the line comes before the emotional climax, it reads less like the character pulling away and more like an expression of the character's pining or attraction to the romantic interest.
Anything else you feel could be improved?
- the bone of his cheek This is a very minor note, but this phrasing, instead of cheekbone, threw me off slightly. Suggestions: 'curve/line of his cheek' or 'cheekbone.'
End notes
Overall though I did think it was a strong story! The note about the ending, even for my personal preferences, wasn't so distracting as to take too much away from the rest of the fic. The hurt/comfort was used well for intimacy purposes, and I am always a fan of tending to wounds and I think that was done well.
Additionally I think both characters seemed attracted to the other and their first kiss was really nice. Specifically I liked the phrasing of the world froze around them, especially in context of Enjolras looking out at the world at the end. It was a nice use of careful phrasing because it put the emphasis all on the two of them, and made it feel like they got to keep moving together while the world went still.
no subject
This was really helpful, and I appreciate everything you had to say.
no subject
So I really enjoyed your lovely RMSE story, and I 100% agreed with everything in anticyclone's thoughtful, well-reasoned comment, except for their final point on the ending. I definitely get where they were coming from, viz, that removing references to Enjolras's doubts improved the trajectory of the emotional arc, whereas including it threw them out of the fic? It's just that, for me, including it made the ending a bit less "pat". Having this interlude with Bahorel isn't going to change their fate, or Enjolras' previous ambivalence to the distractions of love; if the last para was an unambiguous paean to a hopeful future, that would have rung falsely for me (not that either you or your critic would have suggested you do this, of course). Plus your inclusion of True, he'd never imagined needing or wanting something like this added a bittersweet note that struck me as realistic and in keeping with the canon, and provided a needful counterpoint to But the world sat on the brink of change.
(Hope I haven't been out of line with this comment; please let me know if you or anticyclone would prefer that I offered it privately and I will make it poof away!)
no subject
I think you've nailed the voice and the tone from the get-go; it felt to me as if the word choice and dialogue both felt right for the world of myths, and it drew me into the story as a first impression. If I was to suggest any changes, the information and Agamemnon's thoughts about Achilles might better serve the story by being woven into it later. You could begin right with that first conversation and really launch the reader into the story. This is sometimes referred to as taking a breath, and I think the passion and insistence that Achilles needs Agamemnon and not the other way around could be utilised during the smut scene to great effect.
I think the thoughts and desires of Agamemnon are very well established but I'd like to see some more interiority to it — his actions are very sure and go great lengths to establishing a strong character, but for me what the story would benefit from is some more sensory details, especially in terms of pleasure and dominance, and particularly rivalry. He's getting what he wants, but I'd like a little more sensory detail in terms of how he feels about it, what he's feeling, and what he's making Achilles feel. The last three paragraphs are strong in these details (I particularly like: He watched Achilles dress, feigning disinterest. Achilles nodded his assent, cheeks reddened and lips bruised, and departed quickly. Agamemnon watched him disappear into the night. One problem solved).
I wouldn't mind a little more scene setting in the last part as well as a short lead-up to the smut, as it would feel a little more grounded in a sense of place in Agamemnon's tent — how well lit are things? Is Achilles able to hide his humiliation in the shadows, or is it bright? How close are others to be able to hear what's going on? Would Achilles try and stay quiet, or would Agamemnon seek to take advantage of that? Similarly, a little more detail about the bed and contents of the tent would make the scene feel more grounded — just a more detailed setting for the smut to engage with.
I think the ending of the first chapter is very strong. I got a very good sense of the exchange of power that had taken place between them. If anything to strengthen it, I'd still like a little more of a sense of how Agamemnon feels and thinks about the triumph he's managed to exact over Achilles, or how he thinks Achilles feels now as he watches him dress.
Overall, the voice is extremely strong, as well as the dynamic between them. I sincerely believe in the way you write Agamemnon; I think he's well and quickly established, and I fully believed in his actions and his triumph. The ending of the first chapter felt earned, and the domination was hot and well-written.
The second chapter has more of that very strong voice, and some extremely hot smut. I have some short notes for it. I loved seeing the aftermath of what had happened and how it had affected both characters. If anything, I would like to see a little more physical detail in their first exchange of words — how Achilles appears to be feeling or speaking at this point:
“I said no such words that night. And if you were a Commander worth heeding, you wouldn’t have to struggle so hard to maintain your exalted status. You brought Apollo’s wrath upon us, and you had no intention of fixing your mess before I intervened. And see how you repaid me. So now that I see what your leadership is worth, I’ll trouble you no more. We sail in three days’ time.”
Is he too calm for Agamemnon's liking? Or is there a hint that he thinks he's broken him? How is he standing? Where is he looking? These could all give the reader little insights into how the first chapter has affected him.
I'm a big fan of the rest of the second chapter — the smut is hot and the emotions are heightened and desperate as Agamemnon realises it won't work a second time. Overall, I really enjoyed this work, especially the strong narrative voice and how you've established Agamemnon; it really drew me into the story and the world.
Concrit for Captured Liberty
What is your overall impression?: This is very well-done Enjolras whump, and has all of the key elements: Enjolras remaining stoic and principled throughout even as he breaks a little, an absolute onslaught of dicks, despoiling of Enjolras' virginity, leering mentions of Enjolras' prettiness, and deliciously degrading dirty talk. The grueling length of Enjolras' ordeal comes through very clearly, although some of the descriptions feel a little rushed and hollow, sometimes reading more as a summary than prose.
Does anything stand out as particularly effective or well done?: The most remarkable element of the fic is how clearly Enjolras' character shines through. Right from the start, we see Enjolras' pragmatic competence, care for his friends, and dedication to the revolution shine through as he gets a bearing on his situation. You made it clear how brutally the guards and the Patron-Minette had to abuse him to even begin breaking aware at his stoicism and single-mindedness, and even at the worst of his torment, you made sure he kept some of his fire.
I especially liked this line during Enjolras' beating. The specificity of it and the way it ties into both Enjolras' ideals and his friends works very powerfully. They asked for plans, and he spoke of Combeferre’s dreams of Progress. They demanded names, and Enjolras remembered ancient defenders of the People from Grantaire’s old ramblings. They called him traitor and sought his sworn allegiance, and he quoted Paine.
You convey the physical brutality of the rape and how endless an ordeal it is for Enjolras very well, and the idea to have him "rescued" from the National Guard by the Patron-Minette is a brilliant way to add additional whump.
The dirty talk was also especially well-done, although that could just be my own tastes shining through. I love seeing Enjolras being so thoroughly degraded, and the verbal humiliation you have thrown at him is lovely.
I also adore the idea of working in "Do you permit it?" when Enjolras is finally rescued by his friends. After such an intense fic, the warmth and relief and joy between Enjolras and his friends lands very well, and that line is a very fun way to twist a line that is so bittersweet in canon.
How are the character voices?: Enjolras' POV voice was very well-done, although there were a few moments in the narration where the voice seemed to slip from his POV to either the guards' POV or the audience's:
The instructions continued, the others joining in to teach him how to suck cock. This felt more in line with what the guards or the audience would say, as opposed to how Enjolras would view the situation. (That said, the idea of having them teach Enjolras to suck cock is brilliant.)
In this silent, empty building, he was neither revolutionary nor political prisoner. They’d turned him into their personal fucktoy. While I absolutely adore this degrading and dehumanizing language, it feels a bit jarring in Enjolras' POV. Maybe a way to work it in more naturally would be to have it framed more explicitly as the guards' language.
Montparnasse's voice was also very well-done, and his cruelty carried through very nicely. Later on, the warmth in the voices of all Enjolras' friends was so thoroughly palpable.
The voices of the National Guard were not particularly distinct from one another, but that can be a benefit or a drawback, depending on what you're going for.
How do you feel about the pacing? Is anything too meandering, or too rushed?:
The pacing early on in the fic worked very nicely, giving room for the reader to take in all that Enjolras is experiencing without letting the action drag. However, around the time when Enjolras gets spit-roasted through to the end of the fic, a lot of the actions feel like they are skimmed over in summary, rather than given room to grow into the brutal potential you have set up. Later on, more grounding details about Enjolras' physical and emotional state (the more specific and less generic, the better) could help to make the acts feel less summarized. I felt like this was especially the case when the Patron-Minette was selling Enjolras' body.
Besides the forced prostitution, some other moments with a lot of potential that could benefit from a slower pace and more visceral and emotional details include:
Does the ending feel complete and earned?: I felt that the ending was very well-earned after the intensity of all that came before it, especially because you made sure to keep Enjolras' friends constantly in his mind. You emphasized the love and friendship they all share very well and very consistently throughout the story, and it made the final rescue immensely satisfying.
Anything else you feel could be improved?: Overall, I think one of the most consistent areas to focus on would be adding more grounding, visceral details throughout the fic, especially during the rapes. There are parts where you do dig in a bit more to the physical and emotional agony of the rapes.
For example: The rigid shaft sawed in and out of his throat with dizzying speed. Enjolras choked, throat muscles spasming as he swallowed and gagged, trying desperately to relieve the pain. His vision blurred as air became scarce, and still the man took his pleasure.
This is such a stunning line. It is clear, visceral, and brutal. Working in more vivid descriptions like this (as well as more emotional details as Enjolras endures the assaults) could really elevate and intensify an already fantastic fic!