colorcoded: Madame Adelaide Bonfamille from the Aristocats with her boa (Default)
colorcoded ([personal profile] colorcoded) wrote in [community profile] concrit_x2021-04-08 12:49 pm

Concrit for colorcoded

I want to receive feedback by:
My personal preference is comment on this post, but I'm happy with any option you prefer (email - color.coding@yahoo.com, PM, comment on AO3, etc.).

Here are the works I want feedback on:
Any of my works: https://archiveofourown.org/users/colorcoded/works/

My works' fandoms and content notes are:
Just a heads up that this account is my porn sock and so most of the works here are explicit and non-con. However, there's enough non-explicit work that you could stick entirely to that if you wanted. My main fandoms are various Disney, Soul Calibur, and some JRPGs and animanga.

Feedback questions:
Some suggestions of things to focus on:
  • Detail/descriptions - Does the detail/description feel too sparse, or the pacing too quick?
  • Does the fic feel complete, or does the ending feel sudden or anti-climactic? Or does the fic feel like it does not express a complete "thought"? How would you change the fic to make it feel more coherent?
  • Titles and summaries - are they working? Could they be improved? Did you want to click on them or were they meh? Should they focus on something else?
  • For porn, is it sexy? How's the build-up? Anything throwing you out of the fic?
  • General writing - Point out any issues with awkward or confusing phrasings, repetitive words or paragraphs, poor word choice, etc. Any confusions where what's going on with the character or the logic of the story is unclear?
  • Any suggestions for remixing or going a different direction with the fic? Missed opportunities to do something more with the fic, etc.?
  • Anything you liked, what is working in the fic, any reactions you had (positive, negative, or neutral).

The style of feedback I prefer to receive is: Blunt and brutally honest is fine, but I need some encouragement as well. For example, getting a list of 20 issues with the fic and no positivity would be discouraging for me. If there's a lot of issues with the fic, feel free to pick the most major ones to focus on - that's still useful to me. I think my fics are pretty clean SPAG-wise, but please feel free to flag issues.

Comments to this post will be:
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morbane: pohutukawa blossom and leaves (Default)

Rite of spring

[personal profile] morbane 2021-05-07 12:18 am (UTC)(link)
Hello! I hope these reactions to Rite of spring are helpful to you. I liked the consistency of the humour - you definitely knew what you were getting from the beginning - Anna's cheerful practicality, and how quickly the piece moved along. Good scene break choices. There was enough description for me and I thought the pacing was good. More detail below!


Title, summary, and tags all seem effective to me, especially the summary - nice and clear. I might also suggest some tag involving sex magic/sex rituals.

I like the in media res opening - context and stakes immediately clear.

And indeed, at the beginning, being admitted to her icy bedchamber, as so many suitors had been before, and later seeing her spread beneath him, pleasure written on her face, as he worked his cock in and out—he'd never been so aroused. - I feel like this sentence could be shorter. That's a lot of commas. Two sentences?

Just as he was reaching a state where he felt like he'd finally conquered the pain - The first time I read this paragraph, I wanted to quibble with it because although, yeah, pain going away is a really bad sign in this situation, this part seems to happen really fast? But on second reading, I thought it was fine, because you're not really covering the scene moment-by-moment, but more in generalities/glimpses, so there's room for more time in which the pain eases and the dangerous situation with his penis builds up. (in: phrases to type with a straight face.)

Something had dropped to the floor and absent-mindedly he picked it up before realizing in horror what it was. - The contrast between "oh, nbd" and "WHAT" works really well for humour, as does your choice not to explicitly state what it is he's picked up. I kind of want to quibble with the sequence, because surely even if he couldn't feel sensation in his cock in the last few moments before it snapped, surely he'd notice, after the snap, that he was moving differently since there's no resistance? Maybe he could assume he'd slipped out of her? Trade-offs, I guess.

"It requires..." (a cough) "a certain act." - Heh. I like the depiction of their awkwardness

They all returned early and possibly also afflicted with hypothermia and third-degree frostbite. - Minor quibble - is "possibly" the right word there? Especially since it attaches to 'all' - an available meaning is that all of them might be so affected, or all of them might NOT be so affected, but it's up in the air. Whereas the meaning I'd expect is more like, they all came back early and all of them also have at least a touch of hypothermia or frostbite; some have it worse. (Did they all make it back on their own? Those conditions suggest many, like Hans, would have needed help coming back down the mountain; with "They all returned early", the least marked interpretation is that they're coming back under their own power.

apparently also aware of what was needed in order to save Arendelle - useful plot-hole-closinig note, and I like that you're concise enough about it that I don't particularly get hung up on "wait, how does she know that".

had received them as warmly as could be expected, given the whole situation. Her skin on the other hand was continually ice cold, even when she was turned on. In fact, that made it worse, perhaps, since her ice magic had the tendency to spiral out of control when she was feeling any sort of emotion. - I like the wordplay from warmly to cold, and the way information is organised here.

Hans was the latest volunteer. He'd been reluctant to step up out of his love for Anna, he said, but he also had an obligation to her to do all in his power to save Arendelle. // With Hans's unsuccessful return, Anna decided that the time for waiting was over - This is a point where I'm not quite sure how you're relating to, or diverging from, canon - you mention Anna is more confident in the summary, but clearly Hans' courtship of her has progressed to some extent. Should I be surprised that she has no emotional reaction to Hans' plight? It's obviously a trade-off, again - the main story isn't about Hans, and it's hard to explain exactly how Hans' campaign in Arendelle has gone differently in this version without info-dumping here.

Well, if anyone who wants up to the Snow Queen's castle, let me know. - Is there a word or few missing here, or is this an intentional representation of informal speech? (Fine if so, but otherwise I'd expect something like "comes along" or "happens by" between castle & comma.)

Anna said to the man, Kristoff. - A choice obviously made for brevity, but this way of introducing a character name always feels a bit awkward to me.

Anna added, "Umm, sooo... can you take me?" - I can picture her expression, haha.

Kristoff was good on his word. - I think "Kristoff was as good as his word" is the more usual phrase.

Elsa was sitting on a bed shaped like a six-pointed snowflake, when the door to her boudoir opened - I wouldn't put a comma there? The two halves on each side aren't grammatically independent.

to cover the scintillating ice crystal negligee that she'd made for herself after fleeing Arendelle - first, I love that it's a negligee here. Second, I have a similar (over?-)thought to my question about Hans and Anna above. In this universe, did she flee for the same reason? I was assuming she had to be fucked on top of the mountain because of mystical reasons (possibly with a pun on peak worked in there) but if she's on top of the mountain for the reason she is in canon, I guess I wonder why she doesn't... come down... to where prospective suitors can fuck her and there can be more first aid on standby.

baring the young queen's breasts - this distracts me a little; who is thinking of her as "the young queen"? I feel like Anna wouldn't think of her that way and Elsa wouldn't think of herself that way. Even with third person omniscient, it doesn't quite work for me because I feel like our attention is being specifically direct to the fact that Elsa is a queen (why)?

Elsa let out an involuntary moan as the rough surface of a glove flicked over her nipples - nice sensory detail

"Well, I guess probably not," Elsa admitted. - I like the practicality mixed with the outrage.

Something twinged inside Elsa. Those very words were things she had told herself countless times over the past weeks, as she had taken suitor after suitor into her bed. Was she any more desperate now than she had been before? In fact, once she got past the shock of seeing Anna, Elsa had to admit the feeling underneath was... relief, the relief of seeing a familiar face after a parade of strangers.

There was only one objection left.

"I might hurt you," Elsa said. It was her oldest nightmare and her biggest fear.
- I really like this! I like the point about relief, and the bigger fear underneath. (Though is it meant to be *less* desperate?)

Elsa laid back - should be Elsa lay back

and stared idly up at the ceiling - Hm Boredom/disinterest isn't exactly what I'd expect at this point.

"Yeah, Elsa, because you look really tense."
"I'm not tense," Elsa snapped tensely.
- Heh! Again, I love the practical justification.

texture of the leather of the gloves - I thought she was wearing knitted mittens? She was at one point, then you switched to gloves, then back again. I'd suggest going back and checking when you meant her to be wearing gloves and when mittens, because the transitions between them aren't clear to me.

as it pressed against the walls of her cunt, as she felt so pinned in place by the object. - Not the most helpful comment here, sorry, but there's something about the grammar of the "as she felt so..." structure that's niggling at me. Maybe it's that as/as is already a structure comparing different things, and "so" on the end of is yet one more comparative (or the first half of one)? Anyway, I find it a little distracting.

Before her exhale was done, though, she was being filled again. - Nice progression.

her hands grabbing fistfuls of sheets as she tried to get a grip on the pleasure. I like the combination of grab and grip here.

Even more energetic movement from the orange and pink and brown blob on the right. -- Ha! Although given the content, I can't quite say "this matches canon perfectly", there's something about this image, and how cartoonish it is, that really does recall canon for me.

He had to admit that this - mild niggle; who's he admitting to? Subjective, but this would work better for me if the sentence just started at "This wasn't his first time..."

The last thing Anna had to do before leaving was take off the cock. She unbuckled the straps and for a moment she stood holding the cock in her gloved hand before deciding to leave it on top of one of Elsa's dressers, instead of placing it in her satchel again. Elsa might be able to make good use of it while she was gone. And if not, well, it would come in handy again if Anna had to make another trek up the mountain. - This works perfectly well as a conclusion, and I like the sisterly (?) concern in the decision to leave Elsa the strap-on to use as a dildo. But since I'm already in over-thinking mode, it makes me a little sad to think of how long it must have been since they talked, and Anna going away again immediately afterwards without actually catching up with Elsa. That would be a lonely thing for Elsa to wake up to, even though she did choose it herself. I guess that decision was more influenced by the Oglaf mercenary character and what she would do?