Concrit for colorcoded

[colorcoded]

I want to receive feedback by:
My personal preference is comment on this post, but I'm happy with any option you prefer (email - color.coding@yahoo.com, PM, comment on AO3, etc.).

Here are the works I want feedback on:
Any of my works: https://archiveofourown.org/users/colorcoded/works/

My works' fandoms and content notes are:
Just a heads up that this account is my porn sock and so most of the works here are explicit and non-con. However, there's enough non-explicit work that you could stick entirely to that if you wanted. My main fandoms are various Disney, Soul Calibur, and some JRPGs and animanga.

Feedback questions:
Some suggestions of things to focus on:

• Detail/descriptions - Does the detail/description feel too sparse, or the pacing too quick?
• Does the fic feel complete, or does the ending feel sudden or anti-climactic? Or does the fic feel like it does not express a complete "thought"? How would you change the fic to make it feel more coherent?
• Titles and summaries - are they working? Could they be improved? Did you want to click on them or were they meh? Should they focus on something else?
• For porn, is it sexy? How's the build-up? Anything throwing you out of the fic?
• General writing - Point out any issues with awkward or confusing phrasings, repetitive words or paragraphs, poor word choice, etc. Any confusions where what's going on with the character or the logic of the story is unclear?
• Any suggestions for remixing or going a different direction with the fic? Missed opportunities to do something more with the fic, etc.?
• Anything you liked, what is working in the fic, any reactions you had (positive, negative, or neutral).

The style of feedback I prefer to receive is: Blunt and brutally honest is fine, but I need some encouragement as well. For example, getting a list of 20 issues with the fic and no positivity would be discouraging for me. If there's a lot of issues with the fic, feel free to pick the most major ones to focus on - that's still useful to me. I think my fics are pretty clean SPAG-wise, but please feel free to flag issues.

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[farla]

Human, Real

So the thing that stuck out to me reading this is it doesn't seem to do as much as it could with the fact he's spent half his life as a donkey. I like the general tone of how you handled it - horrifying things happen throughout the Pinocchio movie and people seem to handle it without being totally debilitated from the trauma, and if the Blue Fairy can avoid major issues with someone turning from painted wood to living mammal then turning back to your birth species should go even more smoothly, but I feel it's still lacking in a lot of detail about how this works.

"Return home," the Blue Fairy had told them then. "You must return to your family and tell them where you've been all these years."

Like, a lot can go wrong here, and if these aren't the only kids the Blue Fairy's un-donkeyed over the years, she probably knows there's pretty good odds of someone running into trouble with this. Not just ones like Lampwick who just have no family to go home to, but ones whose families are still alive but aren't where they were ten years ago. If the idea is they've learned their lesson and their punishment is over, helping them actually get home seems like it should be included. Escorting the group would be the most responsible thing, but she is a fairy and I'm not sure if how briefly she interacts with Pinocchio is because he's supposed to be left to prove his virtue or because fairies are just bad at followthrough, so it's just as understandable if she's not going to stick around, but in that case telling them what's happened with their families and where they should go at the start seems within her wheelhouse.

the three newly-transformed men stood in silence before stumbling out of the stables, pounding off toward the town as fast as their feet would take them.

The other thing is that it's really weird to me that there's other donkey kids but they don't interact and he seems just barely aware of them. Having the group escorted and seeing the other two go home strikes me as a less abrupt way for them to leave the story, and would give a chance to show a little about how he feels toward them. Otherwise, I think it'd be better for him to just be the only transformed donkey at the stable.

And speaking of the stable, I'm not sure what the purpose of moving him out of the mines was. The contrast of going from the dark, enclosed spaces of the mine as a donkey to the open world as a human seems like it'd work well to emphasize how big a change this is. (And there being a lot of donkeys-turned-humans just doing a mad dash out of there without thinking would make more sense to me as a reaction given how confining it was.) Or I could see if that was too dark and you felt it was better to have him starting at a better place, or maybe use it to leave him a little unsure about living as a human when he's now without food and shelter, but then you say both were about as bad?

So that was how Lampwick found himself walking around town with a bossy cricket tucked into his cap, a cricket who was constantly telling him to talk to that shopkeep there or inquire over at that building over there. By the time the sun was setting, Lampwick hadn't found the slightest bit of work, and all of the cricket's chirping made him feel like he was worth less now than when he had been a donkey.

I feel all this could stand to be expanded on more too. Is he running into difficulty because his only job experience is ten years of pulling a cart, or is it more that no one's hiring? The first one seems more realistic and would suggest Lampwick is better off trying to focus on rehabilitation and gaining skills but the second is more fitting with the general attitude of the setting where it's about trying your best to do what you should be doing, and Lampwick's more adult mindset and willingness to listen to Jiminy even though just finding work is itself a lot of work is a good sign.

A few days passed before Lampwick found work. It was only a temporary construction job, erecting the new bank building, Jiminy had told Pinocchio, but it was good, honest work and Jiminy was pleased.

And continuing that, how does this actually go? You mention that he was unused to using his hands the first time he ate - so, is he pretty uncoordinated and only really able to do gross motor skills and heavy lifting, or is it like riding a bicycle and although he's not sure of himself, once he starts trying to put things in place he finds his coordination returning? The bit where he has difficulty with carving and jumps straight to "my hands are practically hooves. I dunno why I thought it'd be a good idea to try something that actually requires skill with 'em. really jumped out at me as an interesting thing to say, but I'm not quite sure what means for Lampwick - did his time with hooves mean he's worse with his hands now and he feels like he's not going to get that back, or is it that he felt like his hands were "practically" hooves even before this and had bad self-esteem over it, and he's sort of missing being a donkey where no one expected anything more than hooves from him?

I also feel it could use resolution on the job front since you bring up that Pinocchio is barely managing as it is and that Lampwick is really struggling to find more work, but then the fic ends resolving the nature of their relationship rather than the problem of Lampwick being able to stay on a monetary level. Having Pinocchio encourage Lampwick to keep trying at carving and showing him it's something you learn rather than something you have to be good at for the first try would be one option - perhaps set up that Pinocchio's business is going okay but as he's just one person he can't make things too fast, and maybe part of the workshop feeling different is that there's a lot less things in it total because he can't work fast enough to build up the same stock. Or else maybe cut out some of it and have the conversation where Lampwick resolves that he'd sooner leave and live on the street than eat Pinocchio out of house and home for before he gets the building job, with the implication that now he'll have steady work in construction.

It had been a livelier place when his father was there. Father had always been eager to talk about his latest project, or to show off a new contraption he'd made. The workshop had seemed smaller then, smaller and cozier and filled with light.

Also, this is pretty minor but while I understand what you're going for, it seems weird for someone who's now an adult to remember a space as smaller rather than larger - both physically, and in the sense that tons of his father's projects and contraptions would probably give a sense of the place being more expansive compared to later once they're all familiar or his own work.

[colorcoded]

Late reply, sorry, but thank you for these notes! And thank you for reading this one because this fic (and also Pinocchio in general) is quite dear to my heart and I love when people read it and offer their thoughts/reactions on it. Reading through your notes/questions was really interesting for me because for half of them I'm like "Oh yeah, I guess I didn't think about it" and for the other half I'm like "Oh yeah, there's a story behind that," and it's interesting to see what stayed in my head only. Here are some of my author's notes if you're curious:

Moving Lampwick out of the mines: This is mainly because I wanted to write something about Pleasure Island boys being sent to the salt mines as that was always a fascinating part of the movie for me. But then I read the book and discovered that Lampwick worked on a farm as a donkey so I was like "oh yeah, I've gotta work that in too." The strings are showing a bit here!

Lampwick's difficulty finding work: My thinking was that it was more that there's no one hiring/not many opportunities. Here, I was mainly drawing on my own experiences with job-hunting in a tight market.

Lampwick's motor skills: My headcanon is that Lampwick's motor skills returned fairly quickly after an initial adjustment period. He's more or less normal but maybe a bit clumsy because his dexterity stopped developing when he was a kid. His comment about his hands being hooves is more his self-deprecating dark sense of humor. But you're definitely right that I didn't expand on this at all! There's definitely room for filling in these details.

Lack of resolution on the job front: The story behind this is that the original Pinocchio book has some slightly creepy elements where working is inherently virtuous (and conversely, to not work is vice). I wanted work to have some role in Lampwick's return to society, but I wanted to steer clear of the direction of the book and avoid implying that Lampwick's worth/happy ending is dependent on whether he's working or not. Lampwick feels guilt about not pulling his weight, but that guilt is self-imposed; Pinocchio's support for him is unconditional. But I definitely could have actually integrated that realization into the story rather than leaving it awkwardly hanging!

The rest I didn't put enough thought into to have an answer. Thinking about all of these aspects is very interesting and definitely things I could expand on further in the fic. Thank you for this concrit!

Rite of spring

[morbane]

Hello! I hope these reactions to Rite of spring are helpful to you. I liked the consistency of the humour - you definitely knew what you were getting from the beginning - Anna's cheerful practicality, and how quickly the piece moved along. Good scene break choices. There was enough description for me and I thought the pacing was good. More detail below!


Title, summary, and tags all seem effective to me, especially the summary - nice and clear. I might also suggest some tag involving sex magic/sex rituals.

I like the in media res opening - context and stakes immediately clear.

And indeed, at the beginning, being admitted to her icy bedchamber, as so many suitors had been before, and later seeing her spread beneath him, pleasure written on her face, as he worked his cock in and out—he'd never been so aroused. - I feel like this sentence could be shorter. That's a lot of commas. Two sentences?

Just as he was reaching a state where he felt like he'd finally conquered the pain - The first time I read this paragraph, I wanted to quibble with it because although, yeah, pain going away is a really bad sign in this situation, this part seems to happen really fast? But on second reading, I thought it was fine, because you're not really covering the scene moment-by-moment, but more in generalities/glimpses, so there's room for more time in which the pain eases and the dangerous situation with his penis builds up. (in: phrases to type with a straight face.)

Something had dropped to the floor and absent-mindedly he picked it up before realizing in horror what it was. - The contrast between "oh, nbd" and "WHAT" works really well for humour, as does your choice not to explicitly state what it is he's picked up. I kind of want to quibble with the sequence, because surely even if he couldn't feel sensation in his cock in the last few moments before it snapped, surely he'd notice, after the snap, that he was moving differently since there's no resistance? Maybe he could assume he'd slipped out of her? Trade-offs, I guess.

"It requires..." (a cough) "a certain act." - Heh. I like the depiction of their awkwardness

They all returned early and possibly also afflicted with hypothermia and third-degree frostbite. - Minor quibble - is "possibly" the right word there? Especially since it attaches to 'all' - an available meaning is that all of them might be so affected, or all of them might NOT be so affected, but it's up in the air. Whereas the meaning I'd expect is more like, they all came back early and all of them also have at least a touch of hypothermia or frostbite; some have it worse. (Did they all make it back on their own? Those conditions suggest many, like Hans, would have needed help coming back down the mountain; with "They all returned early", the least marked interpretation is that they're coming back under their own power.

apparently also aware of what was needed in order to save Arendelle - useful plot-hole-closinig note, and I like that you're concise enough about it that I don't particularly get hung up on "wait, how does she know that".

had received them as warmly as could be expected, given the whole situation. Her skin on the other hand was continually ice cold, even when she was turned on. In fact, that made it worse, perhaps, since her ice magic had the tendency to spiral out of control when she was feeling any sort of emotion. - I like the wordplay from warmly to cold, and the way information is organised here.

Hans was the latest volunteer. He'd been reluctant to step up out of his love for Anna, he said, but he also had an obligation to her to do all in his power to save Arendelle. // With Hans's unsuccessful return, Anna decided that the time for waiting was over - This is a point where I'm not quite sure how you're relating to, or diverging from, canon - you mention Anna is more confident in the summary, but clearly Hans' courtship of her has progressed to some extent. Should I be surprised that she has no emotional reaction to Hans' plight? It's obviously a trade-off, again - the main story isn't about Hans, and it's hard to explain exactly how Hans' campaign in Arendelle has gone differently in this version without info-dumping here.

Well, if anyone who wants up to the Snow Queen's castle, let me know. - Is there a word or few missing here, or is this an intentional representation of informal speech? (Fine if so, but otherwise I'd expect something like "comes along" or "happens by" between castle & comma.)

Anna said to the man, Kristoff. - A choice obviously made for brevity, but this way of introducing a character name always feels a bit awkward to me.

Anna added, "Umm, sooo... can you take me?" - I can picture her expression, haha.

Kristoff was good on his word. - I think "Kristoff was as good as his word" is the more usual phrase.

Elsa was sitting on a bed shaped like a six-pointed snowflake, when the door to her boudoir opened - I wouldn't put a comma there? The two halves on each side aren't grammatically independent.

to cover the scintillating ice crystal negligee that she'd made for herself after fleeing Arendelle - first, I love that it's a negligee here. Second, I have a similar (over?-)thought to my question about Hans and Anna above. In this universe, did she flee for the same reason? I was assuming she had to be fucked on top of the mountain because of mystical reasons (possibly with a pun on peak worked in there) but if she's on top of the mountain for the reason she is in canon, I guess I wonder why she doesn't... come down... to where prospective suitors can fuck her and there can be more first aid on standby.

baring the young queen's breasts - this distracts me a little; who is thinking of her as "the young queen"? I feel like Anna wouldn't think of her that way and Elsa wouldn't think of herself that way. Even with third person omniscient, it doesn't quite work for me because I feel like our attention is being specifically direct to the fact that Elsa is a queen (why)?

Elsa let out an involuntary moan as the rough surface of a glove flicked over her nipples - nice sensory detail

"Well, I guess probably not," Elsa admitted. - I like the practicality mixed with the outrage.

Something twinged inside Elsa. Those very words were things she had told herself countless times over the past weeks, as she had taken suitor after suitor into her bed. Was she any more desperate now than she had been before? In fact, once she got past the shock of seeing Anna, Elsa had to admit the feeling underneath was... relief, the relief of seeing a familiar face after a parade of strangers.

There was only one objection left.

"I might hurt you," Elsa said. It was her oldest nightmare and her biggest fear. - I really like this! I like the point about relief, and the bigger fear underneath. (Though is it meant to be *less* desperate?)

Elsa laid back - should be Elsa lay back

and stared idly up at the ceiling - Hm Boredom/disinterest isn't exactly what I'd expect at this point.

"Yeah, Elsa, because you look really tense."
"I'm not tense," Elsa snapped tensely. - Heh! Again, I love the practical justification.

texture of the leather of the gloves - I thought she was wearing knitted mittens? She was at one point, then you switched to gloves, then back again. I'd suggest going back and checking when you meant her to be wearing gloves and when mittens, because the transitions between them aren't clear to me.

as it pressed against the walls of her cunt, as she felt so pinned in place by the object. - Not the most helpful comment here, sorry, but there's something about the grammar of the "as she felt so..." structure that's niggling at me. Maybe it's that as/as is already a structure comparing different things, and "so" on the end of is yet one more comparative (or the first half of one)? Anyway, I find it a little distracting.

Before her exhale was done, though, she was being filled again. - Nice progression.

her hands grabbing fistfuls of sheets as she tried to get a grip on the pleasure. I like the combination of grab and grip here.

Even more energetic movement from the orange and pink and brown blob on the right. -- Ha! Although given the content, I can't quite say "this matches canon perfectly", there's something about this image, and how cartoonish it is, that really does recall canon for me.

He had to admit that this - mild niggle; who's he admitting to? Subjective, but this would work better for me if the sentence just started at "This wasn't his first time..."

The last thing Anna had to do before leaving was take off the cock. She unbuckled the straps and for a moment she stood holding the cock in her gloved hand before deciding to leave it on top of one of Elsa's dressers, instead of placing it in her satchel again. Elsa might be able to make good use of it while she was gone. And if not, well, it would come in handy again if Anna had to make another trek up the mountain. - This works perfectly well as a conclusion, and I like the sisterly (?) concern in the decision to leave Elsa the strap-on to use as a dildo. But since I'm already in over-thinking mode, it makes me a little sad to think of how long it must have been since they talked, and Anna going away again immediately afterwards without actually catching up with Elsa. That would be a lonely thing for Elsa to wake up to, even though she did choose it herself. I guess that decision was more influenced by the Oglaf mercenary character and what she would do?

Re: Rite of spring

[colorcoded]

Thank you for all these notes! I fixed up most of these sentence/phrasing issues. I'll need to think a bit more about how the events leading up this fic played out in this Oglaf AU, though! I didn't really consider it before. Thank you for the detailed notes and reactions - they are much appreciated!

[sheeon]

Riding Lessons

To start with the title and summary, I liked the straight forward title, but the summary stating exactly what happens felt a little lackluster. Maybe consider including a snippet from your writing or rephrasing it to make it come across with more emotion to it.

The beginning of the wedding ceremony would feature a large procession throughout the city, with the bride and groom-to-be at its head.

The first two paragraphs here were a good start to the story, but to make even more of an impression, I think it could’ve been stronger if Aurora not yet knowing how to ride a horse was brought up as the first thing in the story, with the wedding ceremony brought in immediately after as why this is the problem.

"Have Phillip teach her! My boy is as comfortable on a horse as he is on his feet, and a very good teacher too."

This is good setup to the core of the story here and I liked how quickly it moved to Phillip and Aurora riding together.

So it was Briar Rose found herself rising early and going to the stables, dressed in simple...

The start of this sentence sounds slightly awkward to me here. I think a better way to phrase it would be “So Briar Rose found herself” or “So it was Briar Rose that found herself”.

"Well, they'd be a match at least," Phillip said, adding with a grin, "If she gives him trouble, all the better."

I noticed that you start two sentences in a row in this paragraph with “He then...”, to make it flow smoother, I would consider rephrasing it slightly to avoid this repetition since it doesn’t sound like it’s supposed to be drawing attention to an important point. I would personally have stuck with using Delilah instead of using both of the horse’s names further down in the paragraph. The detail sounds good to me and I enjoy how the characters are comfortable with each other.

Briar Rose had seen Phillip do it dozens of times - he made it look like the most natural thing in the world - but as she stood next to the mare…

I like the intention of this sentence here, but it seems overly long. My suggestion here is to put a period at “or where to put it” and move “the stirrup seemed so much higher...” into its own sentence to have it flow better and make the Rose’s doubt come across clearer.

The section of the two characters talking with each other was well done! I liked this line in particular: But she soon realized that it was just the smile of a good-humored person who found amusement in almost everything. You do a good job showing the emotions between the characters and what they feel for each other. The last few paragraphs felt a little heavy in telling over showing the event (maybe consider adding a scene of the newlyweds interacting with Rose’s parents at the wedding?) and I would break up the paragraphs some to give it more variation while reading, but the general concept was good. Overall, I liked the fic and thought it was a nice read with a complete story. The ending line felt like the right way to close out the story!

[colorcoded]

Thank you for these notes! I cleaned up the prose a bit. I do have the tendency to tell rather than show sometimes. Whenever I take the time to flesh out a scene rather than write it as brief summary, it always turns out stronger - I just have to have the time! Thank you so much for the feedback - it really helps me to know where things are working and when they're weak.