Concrit for AnnabelleVeal

[annabelleveal]

I want to receive feedback by: Comments on this post (preferred) or via email to annabelleveal2417@gmail.com

Here are the works I want feedback on: Anything posted on my AO3, with a preference for works from 2020/2021 (though if you find an earlier work you really want to give feedback on, feel free!)

My works' fandoms and content notes are: Recent works are for The Old Guard, Hannibal, Veep, Everything I Never Told You, and the Star Wars Sequel Trilogy. Ratings are T-E and relevant warnings and content notes are included in the tags and author notes of each work. The two stories marked CNTW don’t contain any archive warnings, but I would consider them to be major character death adjacent.

I have these questions for readers:

• Were there any points of confusion or questions you had? Any moments or details that took you out of the story?
• How is the pacing? Are there parts that drag? Parts that skip over too much or feel rushed?
• Are character motivations clear? Do character responses seem realistic and do character arcs feel complete/satisfying? If you are familiar with the canon, are the characterizations/voices in-character?
• Is the level of description appropriate? Are there places where you would like more/less description?
• General flow and language use. Did you notice too much repetition of words, phrases, and/or sentence structure? Any recurrent or particularly distracting SPAG errors?
• Any other comments, general impressions, or points of improvement

The style of feedback I prefer to receive is: I’m open to any style of feedback, though I do prefer that there is some mention of the things that worked well in addition to areas to improve.

Comments to this post will be: Unscreened

Comments

[misspinkman]

Hello! :) I am here to bring the ConCrit.

I typed this up in Word so I hope all of the HTML works.

Here Comes the First Day

It was a boy. That was what the sonographer had announced to them during the scan. Healthy and developing normally, too, but that part didn't matter so much to the estate executors.

Strong beginning!

His. Margot envied how easily Alana had transitioned to thinking of the baby as their son. Margot had made the mistake of getting attached too quickly the first time around, staring down at the plus sign on the pregnancy test in her shaking hands, thinking to herself, and a little child shall lead them. So much had changed since then, but still it seemed prudent to deal only in abstracts: an heir, a loophole, a way out.

I love this look into Margo’s thought process!

In the second panel of the scan, one tiny hand was raised, reaching out into the empty black. Margot pressed the tip of her finger against the photo, and it covered the hand completely. The sudden pang of...something that she felt surprised her. She wasn't sure if it was longing for what might have been or fear of what was yet to come. For so long she had dreamed of this, a Verger baby, a boy. But Mason had been a boy once, too. Or maybe he had only ever been a monster in the shape of a boy. This baby would be half Alana and half Mason, and Margot didn't know if that was better or worse than half herself and half Will Graham would have been. There was darkness to be found in each of them.

I love this look back on both Margo’s previous pregnancy and her history with Mason and all of his screwed-up… Mason-ness.

"Genetics," Margot said.

In the mirror, she watched as Alana's reflection frowned, brow furrowed. "Sometimes I think we've come to treat the human genome like an alternative to predestination for those who've outgrown Calvinism. It's easy to forget that nothing is set in stone."

Alana’s voice is perfect in this as well!

"I have so many scars from the worst thing that ever happened to me," Alana continued. "It might be nice to have one that's from the best." She turned to look at Margot then, smiling and beatific, and Margot was struck by the true scope of Alana's gift to her. That through the alchemy working within her, they could create not only an heir, but a family.

Awww. Another great line!

- Were there any points of confusion or questions you had? Any moments or details that took you out of the story?

No, everything was pretty clear!

- How is the pacing? Are there parts that drag? Parts that skip over too much or feel rushed?
Nothing seemed like it was dragging at all, and everything seemed very contained in the time and place.

- Are character motivations clear? Do character responses seem realistic and do character arcs feel complete/satisfying? If you are familiar with the canon, are the characterizations/voices in-character?

I would have liked to see a little bit more about Margot and Mason. There’s that great line about how Mason had been a boy once too – but since they’re twins, I’m curious to see a little more of where they diverged. When did Margot notice something was off with him? And is that something she’s afraid of for her own son?

- Is the level of description appropriate? Are there places where you would like more/less description?

Description was solid!

- General flow and language use. Did you notice too much repetition of words, phrases, and/or sentence structure? Any recurrent or particularly distracting SPAG errors?

No errors as far as I could see.

- Any other comments, general impressions, or points of improvement

See above for commentary on a few lines I really liked! 😊

There is Nothing the Matter with the Stars

And Poe—well, officially Poe is "taking a season off," but at twenty-eight and staring down the very real possibility of a double hip replacement by thirty, he knows that all he's actually doing is delaying the inevitable.
So yeah, he wants to get high.

Poor Poe! I love the quick way that the exposition is set up for this AU.

It makes him think of Junior Worlds in Rotterdam, when everyone had gone back to Snap’s hotel room after the closing banquet and huddled around Jess at the windowsill as she produced a contraband dime bag and a grinder. He can still picture the sticky-sweet smell of the smoke hanging in the air, the burn in his sinuses as he’d exhaled out his nose, all of them laughing and giddy with the rebelliousness of youth.

I love this flashback!

Poe takes another hit and holds it in as he presses himself along Finn's side. He cups the back of his neck and guides him forward. Finn catches on quickly and opens his mouth, letting Poe exhale into his lungs before turning it into a sloppy kiss. "Much better," he says with a grin.

This whole scene is so intimate. I love how you bring together all this imagery in so few words.

The first time he came over to Poe's apartment, Finn had looked at the assortment of records and laughed. "Why do you only have dad rock?" he’d asked, amused.

The truth was that the whole collection actually had belonged to Poe’s dad and he still couldn’t bring himself to part with any of it. He wasn’t ready yet to be left only with his memories of afternoons spent listening together, his father commenting on songs he thought would make good exhibition programs and telling Poe about the music his mom had skated to.

This is so endearing and bittersweet. Great detail.


"The first time I saw the video, I remember thinking that it looked like so much fun." Finn still has a hand on Poe’s arm, and he slides it down to intertwine their fingers as he settles back against Poe’s side. "I never got to have any say in my programs—not music, costumes, nothing—not until I came to skate here."

Finn still does this every once in a while, drops some depressing revelation about his childhood training with a horrifying nonchalance, like he thinks it's totally normal.

More great details in just a few lines of dialogue.

They have finally made it to the 7-Eleven, a shining fluorescent beacon among the snowdrifts and darkened strip malls, and now they're wandering along the aisles while a sullen teenage cashier watches from behind the register.

I love this detail!

There will be time later for the hard conversations about decisions to be made—rehab and retirement, figuring out what comes next. But tonight, they do not have to worry about the future. Tonight they can get high and eat ice cream and glide along the ice hand in hand, underneath a clear winter sky full of stars.

I love this ending. It brings everything together well.

- Were there any points of confusion or questions you had? Any moments or details that took you out of the story?

Everything was clear in this story and nothing threw me out of it.

- How is the pacing? Are there parts that drag? Parts that skip over too much or feel rushed?

I really enjoyed the tiny hints of flashbacks and kind of wanted a little more about their lives up until this moment. Also maybe a little more explanation about skating – is 28 really “over the hill” in the skating life?

- Are character motivations clear? Do character responses seem realistic and do character arcs feel complete/satisfying? If you are familiar with the canon, are the characterizations/voices in-character?

I have seen the Force Awakens but it was back when it was in theaters so it’s not super fresh in my mind, but they seemed in character to me.

- Is the level of description appropriate? Are there places where you would like more/less description?

This was good! Great imagery.

- General flow and language use. Did you notice too much repetition of words, phrases, and/or sentence structure? Any recurrent or particularly distracting SPAG errors?

I didn’t see any issues in this.

- Any other comments, general impressions, or points of improvement

I wanted to know a little bit more about both of their childhoods, as the details that were hinted at and included were really interesting.

Five Times Natasha Suspected She was Jewish

I know this was an older one, but I was drawn in and - for this one to quote all my favorite lines, I would have to quote the entire thing! Every single sentence had a “wham” factor.

- Were there any points of confusion or questions you had? Any moments or details that took you out of the story?

No, I felt that every detail was perfectly chosen here for maximum impact and there was nothing extraneous.

- How is the pacing? Are there parts that drag? Parts that skip over too much or feel rushed?

The pacing was really good – I loved the tiny glimpses culminating into a longer piece for the +1 and how the memories seemed to build with time as Natasha remembers more detail.

- Are character motivations clear? Do character responses seem realistic and do character arcs feel complete/satisfying? If you are familiar with the canon, are the characterizations/voices in-character?

Natasha’s motivation was clear throughout.

- Is the level of description appropriate? Are there places where you would like more/less description?

I mentioned this a little earlier, but I liked the way the detail built as the memories were more recent.

- General flow and language use. Did you notice too much repetition of words, phrases, and/or sentence structure? Any recurrent or particularly distracting SPAG errors?

No errors that I noticed.

- Any other comments, general impressions, or points of improvement

This was great! I really have no criticism for this one.

[colorcoded]

https://archiveofourown.org/works/28831113
There Is Nothing the Matter with the Stars

They pass by the bank, and the clock on the marquee outside confirms that it's not actually late, just dark.
They have finally made it to the 7-Eleven, a shining fluorescent beacon among the snowdrifts and darkened strip malls, and now they're wandering along the aisles while a sullen teenage cashier watches from behind the register.
Having grown up in a northern college town, I appreciated these descriptions.

Poe steps wrong on his bad hip, and when Finn reaches out to catch him, they fall into a dance hold.
I really liked this part! The athlete's instincts taking over and these two sharing a graceful, intimate moment.

I think you did a good job of translating the sense of camaraderie that Finn and Poe share (where Poe is a bit more senior) into a modern-day setting. (I am so bad at music/pop culture knowledge, though, and know nothing about skating, so I can't really evaluate how appropriate the music tastes/skating references are here.)

The first part of the fic is a bit disjointed, but that makes sense as the characters are high. I think you did a good job at conveying dreaminess and that feeling of "huh how did I get here?" in the writing during those scenes.

In terms of the technical aspects and the characterization, I didn't see any issues. No moments that tripped me up, no SPAG errors, no repetitive words/phrases. I guess my main suggestion for improvement is that there could be more of a plot, more of a satisfying beginning/middle/end. With setting AUs, though, sometimes the main point of the fic is just to explore what the characters look like in the new setting so it's more about a portrait and some key headcanons rather than a plot/story. But I think the fic could be stronger with a bit more of a structure or throughline throughout it.

One thing that could be explored a bit more is that there's two moments where Finn has no clear desires of his own, or no awareness of his own desires outside of his attachment to Poe (1: "'I guess I'd go wherever you were,'"; 2: "'So?' Poe asks. 'What's the verdict? Do you like it?' Finn looks thoughtful for a moment. 'I know I like this,' he says, raising their clasped hands. 'Maybe for now that's enough.'"), which mirrors the way post-brainwashing Finn is still trying to figure out who he is in the movies and very quickly latches onto Poe for identity and direction. I wonder if a bit more can be done with this in the fic where the change from the beginning of the fic to the end of the fic is that Finn begins to discover interests/preferences unrelated to Poe that nevertheless surprises and delights Poe? (For example, Finn returning to the conversation of where he would like to live and suggesting a place he's been curious about out of the blue or something like that and Poe's just like "Yeah! That sounds nice.")



https://archiveofourown.org/works/29010666
There's a City in My Mind

I liked the grieving at the beginning, the numbness and how everyone knows that there's nothing they can really say to comfort Joe. I like Joe's reaction after the first loop, how he goes through the possibilities and tries to form a hypothesis about what happened.

I definitely get the feeling early on that Nicky knows more about what's going on than he's letting on, but I am not sure what exactly, and I like that little mystery. The reveal, that Nicky suspected his immortality faded and kept it a secret from Joe, is very satisfying.

There's quite a lot you do with characterization and motivation that combines the psychology of these two characters + the immortality mechanic + the time travel mechanic, which I liked. For example: Joe worrying about Nicky's self-sacrificial streak/acceptance of death and so hiding that information from him; time loops as a different sort of immortality; how both mechanics involve distinguishing between "real" and "fake" deaths; the time loop giving Joe more closure about Nicky being taken from him before he's ready and how the whole thing might be in Joe's mind, his mind trying to piece together and assign meaning to and accept the events from yesterday.

I also liked the unexpected element of the time loop decaying, and how that leads to an even more gutting ending.

In terms of character motivations, I thought everything made sense but the one thing I felt a bit unsatisfied by was toward the beginning, I thought that Joe could have made more efforts to convince the others to call off the mission, or to prepare better for it, or something like that. Presumably he did and it had no effect because that's the rules of this time loop, but without it shown "on-screen" I wasn't quite convinced that Joe had exhausted all his options. For example, in the third loop (the one where Joe says "I think I'm in a time loop."), the scene is quite brief but you could flesh it out with something where Joe and the rest try to tighten up their plan, and things still go badly. Similarly, for trying to get the team to not go through with the mission at all, this is kind of implied, but it's subtle and could use a bit more explicit illustration, but you could again perhaps expand on "He is never able to talk the others out of going on the mission" and have a conversation where the others (not knowing what the stakes are) don't think that any one of them dying is high enough stakes to call the mission off or something like that, and Joe can't really contradict them on this point without giving too much away (again emphasizing the difference in this world between "dying" and "dying for real" -- neither Nicky nor Joe's deaths are quite "dying for real", at least as far as Joe is willing to divulge).

Joe and Nicky seem very in-character -- the romantic things they say to each other especially have the exact vibe as from the movie. The one part where I felt like characterization was a bit iffy was with Nile at points, like this part: Booker just looks pale, while Nile says, "Oh, Joe," as tears stream down her face. My impression of Nile is that she's empathetic but not necessarily someone who would cry at hearing an upsetting story. I don't have a good handle on Nile's character, though (I've only seen the movie once), so take this crit with a grain of salt.

Minor issue: "let's Joe go down the hall first" - should be "lets". That was the only issue I saw.

Overall, I really enjoyed this story. Really fun time loop mechanic (hats off to you for pulling off a time loop plot!) and a very unhappy ending.



https://archiveofourown.org/works/30289044
The Echo Inside

Booker didn’t have anything else to do, so he sat in the pub all day getting slowly drunk and watching football.
Booker had briefly considered telling him to slow down, but decided to keep pace instead.
I liked these details about drinking that reference Booker's alcoholism.

“Having someone be completely dependent on you like that, it twists your relationship into something you don’t recognize." Booker ran a finger through the condensation on the outside of his empty glass. He was solidly drunk by now and verging on maudlin.
I like the descriptions here too. The combination of physical detail/action and emotional state work really well.

Booker also knew that if he were a better man, he would stop this now before any real lines had been crossed.
But Booker was drunk and lonely and tired of trying to save people from themselves, so when Copley wedged a leg between his thighs, he let him.
Also great characterization, not being a good man and being very Tired.

Copley’s face was mashed into his shoulder and Booker wondered if he was going to cry, except he was too British for that, so Booker did it for him: drunk, snotty tears running down his cheeks while Copley panted harsh breaths against his neck and pumped him faster, twisting his wrist at the head, wringing Booker's orgasm from him with short, quick strokes.
I like how this adds to the general "this sex is messy and no one is happy" vibe to this whole encounter.

Booker's hands hung uselessly at his sides, unsure of what to do. He realized that he hadn’t touched Copley at all since this began.
This is interesting to me but the one part where I didn't really understand character motivations. Did Copley not want Booker to touch him because then the cheating would feel more "real"? Or is it that Booker was being quite passive throughout the whole encounter (maybe not wanting to cross that line on some level) and Copley wasn't willing to force him to do something he wasn't already initiating? (Some combination of the two?) I wonder if it could be made more explicit, but maybe it's better left as it is.

I really liked this portrait of two very unhappy people, one in the middle of fresh pain who is seeking any kind of touch and connection and one whose wounds are very old and for whom making bad decisions has become a habit. On that note:

“How do I live with myself?” Copley asked eventually, voice rough.
“You'd be surprised what you can learn to live with.”
This exchange is great because it's kind of comforting in a way while also being hella bleak.

Two months later, he got a Google alert for Copley’s name with a link to an obituary. Booker stared at it for a long time, cursor hovering over the link, before closing the browser. He sent flowers—no note—and deleted Copley's number.
I like this ending too. The ambivalence of wanting to make a connection but also feeling like the connection was too much.

I don't have many notes for improvement for this one. I thought the pacing was good, I like the prose, I like the emotions, and it works well for a missing scene.


I hope this was helpful! I liked the range of emotional tones and genres in the fic I read, and I think your writing is incredibly solid.