concrit_x | Concrit for Kaiosea

I want to receive feedback by any of these:
-Comment on my DW post in this community
-Comment where the work is published on AO3 - if you do this, please mention in the comment that you are doing it for concrit-x so that I know
-Email (kaioseas at gmail dot com) Note the extra s at the end, haha.

Here are the works I want feedback on (and my safe works are...):
I would love feedback on my more recent fics (except safe works), especially what I posted from 2017-present. Some of the fandoms I've written for overall are:
World Trigger (Anime & Manga): Play Rough, Play Nice; Humming; and you still followed me away; Golden Spiral
BNHA: Darker Strains of Mercy (wip)
The Untamed: if you’re gonna get me addicted (you have my permission)
Daiya no A: hot air always rises; Monster Rookie
Hana no Mizo Shiru | Only the Flower Knows: Sun-awaiting
Ping Pong the Animation: love the second glances
Ajin: Passion Grip
Durarara!!
Haikyuu
Attack on Titan

I’ve written for many other random fandoms as well: Here’s a link to my AO3 profile without any filtering.
However, if there’s a ship, fandom, or particular tag that you’re familiar with/particularly excited about reading and the fic is older than 2017, feel free to go for that. Anything except my safe works is fair game.
My safe works are (no feedback please!): Cold Eyes, I seek the veins beneath your skin, Forwards or Better, Crossing Borders.
Here’s a link to my fics with the “safe” ones filtered out.

My works' fandoms and content notes are:
I’ve written a variety of things, including a lot of porn. My works generally have content tags. There are a couple fics that are tagged cntw along with other tags. If you have a question about anything content-related before reading, I’m happy to answer.

I have these questions for readers:
(Please don’t feel like you have to answer all of these, but I’m interested in your thoughts on any of them.)

What did you think/feel about the summary and title before you read the fic? Did this change after having read the fic?
I’m interested in your emotional reactions as you read the fic. What surprised you? What worked for you or what didn’t?
How clear was the plot, or the characters’ motivations, or the physicality of what was happening?
What sense of writing style did you get? I feel like my style is very different from fic to fic since I try to change it to fit the canon or story, so I am always interested in how it comes off.
If you know the canon, how do you feel like it relates to canon? If you don’t know the canon, what are your impressions of the characters just from my fic?
What did you think of the dialogue/prose?
Anything else that you felt while reading?

The style of feedback I prefer to receive is:
I’m interested in your honest impressions, whether they’re good or bad. However, I wouldn’t like to receive just harsh criticism. If you want to focus on areas of improvement, that’s great for me, but please let me know what you enjoyed as well.

I’m not interested in SPAG feedback. (That said, if you notice a typo, I would not be offended if you pointed it out *sweatdrop*)

Overall, I would also love if you could be as specific as you can. If something worked for you or didn’t work for you, what specific elements in the fic contributed to forming that impression?

Quoting lines or passages is something I also would find helpful.

Comments to this post will be:
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So, first I’d like to clarify my knowledge of MDSZ/The Untamed is pure osmosis and helping friends develop sprawling AUs. I’m not quite canon blind but I still haven’t watched the canon. So my critique is going to skip how-it-works-with-canon.

Based on what I knew and your tags/title/summary, I assumed it’d be a dark exploration of the fucked-up canon situation, probably with a sensual or sexual bent. And I think I pretty much got it right, so good job there. It was not predictable — there were still twists and turns in the story —, just well-advertised.

By osmosis only, I did get the sense of unease and manipulation in the character dynamics. It’s very clear the POV character is in denial about something or at least missing something; it’s also clear this ‘stranger’ is not what he seems. Every time they talk, you can tell there is some manipulation going on despite the POV character’s dismissal of that possibility.

Like here, for example:

“Fine, I’ll ask you what you want if you won’t say,” the stranger says, with a peculiar impatience. “Do you want me to scratch you? Or would that be an affront to your giant dignity?”
Xingchen swallows. “I would like you to scratch me.”

The mention of the impatience makes it clear this is not playfully insulting, but something darker.

Or here

“Lazy,” the stranger scolds as Xingchen begins to retire for a nap. Xingchen feels guilt stop him in his tracks. Could he stay awake another hour? Should he help with the groceries or the laundry? Can he do more?

Where Xingchen’s reaction makes what could be a friendly jab into a far nastier one. It’s also a startling sense of how much Xingchen has changed since the beginning due to the stranger.

This sense of murky unease underneath their interactions was a very effective emotional throughline. Your prose fit this very well because the tone was ever-so-slightly detached and not overtly emotional.

The plot is understandable with osmosis, although if I were canon-blind I’m sure I’d get that I was missing something but not know exactly what, because the tone conveys that. It’s intriguing and suspenseful; it builds a sense of dread, enough that the ending registers as ominous. The mentions of dreams also add to the surreal, slippery reality of it.

What I would have liked a bit more of is sensory detail — the physicality was dimmed and I think more focus on taste/smell (specific words and sensations) would have enhanced the character dynamics and make some scenes stand out more.

For example, this is a very good moment

They repeat syllables so sibilant that they disappear like smoke before Xingchen can shape them into words.

Because it’s so specific and the imagery reinforces the themes of the fic. So I would have liked to see more of that.

My favorite line in the fic is

When they are out of his mouth, Xingchen, gasping, asks for what he wants.

Because it conveys so much. It’s sparse, it’s very visual, and it’s tremendously clear. I think that other of the ending lines could have trimmed a bit to hem closer to this, make them sharper. For example It is clear to him that Yi City needs help; it needs him, and A-Qing, and the stranger.
So Xingchen leaves his bed behind. Nothing will get done while he’s asleep, and Yi City needs to be saved, just like the stranger said. maybe could’ve ended in ‘leaves his bed behind’. But that’s more of a matter of taste!
I hope this was helpful to you! I really enjoyed reading your fic.

I'm quite late responding, but thank you so much for your concrit! I'm happy the fic made enough sense through osmosis (and who hasn't osmosed a little of the Untamed/MDZS by now, haha).

It was really nice to hear which lines were your favorites! Your suggestion for more sensory detail is a great one. Especially in lieu of not having sight to work with in the fic. The last two paragraphs, too, I see what you mean about the repetition so close together. That might be something I would split up or move around differently if I were to write it again.

I appreciate your comment, thoughts, and suggestions a lot! Thank you :)

Concrit for Kaiosea

Concrit for: if you want to get me addicted (you have my permission)

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