Concrit for Kaiosea

[kaiosea]

I want to receive feedback by any of these:
-Comment on my DW post in this community
-Comment where the work is published on AO3 - if you do this, please mention in the comment that you are doing it for concrit-x so that I know
-Email (kaioseas at gmail dot com) Note the extra s at the end, haha.

Here are the works I want feedback on (and my safe works are...):
I would love feedback on my more recent fics (except safe works), especially what I posted from 2017-present. Some of the fandoms I've written for overall are: 
World Trigger (Anime & Manga): Play Rough, Play Nice; Humming; and you still followed me away; Golden Spiral
BNHA: Darker Strains of Mercy (wip)
The Untamed: if you’re gonna get me addicted (you have my permission) 
Daiya no A: hot air always rises; Monster Rookie
Hana no Mizo Shiru | Only the Flower Knows: Sun-awaiting
Ping Pong the Animation: love the second glances
Ajin: Passion Grip 
Durarara!!
Haikyuu
Attack on Titan

I’ve written for many other random fandoms as well: Here’s a link to my AO3 profile without any filtering.
However, if there’s a ship, fandom, or particular tag that you’re familiar with/particularly excited about reading and the fic is older than 2017, feel free to go for that. Anything except my safe works is fair game.
My safe works are (no feedback please!): Cold Eyes, I seek the veins beneath your skin, Forwards or Better, Crossing Borders.
Here’s a link to my fics with the “safe” ones filtered out.


My works' fandoms and content notes are:
I’ve written a variety of things, including a lot of porn. My works generally have content tags. There are a couple fics that are tagged cntw along with other tags. If you have a question about anything content-related before reading, I’m happy to answer.

I have these questions for readers:
(Please don’t feel like you have to answer all of these, but I’m interested in your thoughts on any of them.)

• What did you think/feel about the summary and title before you read the fic? Did this change after having read the fic?
• I’m interested in your emotional reactions as you read the fic. What surprised you? What worked for you or what didn’t?
• How clear was the plot, or the characters’ motivations, or the physicality of what was happening?
• What sense of writing style did you get? I feel like my style is very different from fic to fic since I try to change it to fit the canon or story, so I am always interested in how it comes off.
• If you know the canon, how do you feel like it relates to canon? If you don’t know the canon, what are your impressions of the characters just from my fic?
• What did you think of the dialogue/prose?
• Anything else that you felt while reading?

The style of feedback I prefer to receive is:
I’m interested in your honest impressions, whether they’re good or bad. However, I wouldn’t like to receive just harsh criticism. If you want to focus on areas of improvement, that’s great for me, but please let me know what you enjoyed as well. 

I’m not interested in SPAG feedback. (That said, if you notice a typo, I would not be offended if you pointed it out *sweatdrop*)

Overall, I would also love if you could be as specific as you can. If something worked for you or didn’t work for you, what specific elements in the fic contributed to forming that impression?

Quoting lines or passages is something I also would find helpful.

Comments to this post will be:
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Comments

[vandoorne]

Concrit for: if you’re gonna get me addicted (you have my permission)

• What did you think/feel about the summary and title before you read the fic? Did this change after having read the fic?

Before reading the fic: My impression based on the title and summary was that the fic is going to be something hot and steamy between Xue Yang and Xiao Xingchen, possibly unhealthy too. But also, I do agree with your notes at the start — XY is, indeed, his own warning.

After reading the fic: I think your summary and title does bring across what your fic is about — Yi City and the time XXC and XY spend together with A Qing. I think your title is apt, given how really, XXC doesn't have to settle here with XY (or rather, the stranger to him) and A Qing, it doesn't have to be Yi City, but it is and he stays despite all this and doesn't leave. There are a lot of unknowns here for XXC, and they remain as unknowns until the end of the fic, which I think is something really suited for your title given how despite XXC not knowing it's XY, he still comes back to him again. It's like an addiction he cannot kick, and he doesn't know why.

• I’m interested in your emotional reactions as you read the fic. What surprised you? What worked for you or what didn’t?

From what I read from the summary, I expected XXC to become addicted to XY in some form, and your fic delivered it for me. My reactions were basically 'ooh' to 'omg ooh' to '!!!!!'. I think it's nice to see the Yi City arc from XXC's point of view, because as a viewer, we are privy to what he doesn't know about.

I like how things changed and shifted throughout the fic: XXC starts by not wanting to ask for what he wants, but by the end of it he's gasping and asking XY for it. I like the dramatic irony in the fic about XXC's reality and dreams — for XXC, he thinks that his life is perfect and his dreams are nightmarish, but the reader knows that the truth is that either way, it is still hell for him.

• How clear was the plot, or the characters’ motivations, or the physicality of what was happening?

I think the plot and the characters' motivations were clear to me, and XXC's confusion came through clearly to me. I think familiarity with the canon really helped for me to have a better understanding throughout, especially of XY's actions and the true horror of what he was doing to XXC, versus what XXC just doesn't know as presented in the fic. I think perhaps you could have provided more explanation as to why XXC enjoys being marked by XY — is it to remember what they have done, or to remember that he's alive, or..? I think a bit more about it would've helped to put everything together for me.

• What sense of writing style did you get? I feel like my style is very different from fic to fic since I try to change it to fit the canon or story, so I am always interested in how it comes off.

I think your writing style suited this fic well. You present snippets of various parts of XXC's life during the Yi City arc, from conversations with XY to just what XXC just doesn't quite know about A Qing and it is just enough to allow the reader to draw their own conclusion about the horror of the situation — what XXC had no clue of, but still continues to think is necessary as a result. I think your style fit the canon, it did convey the same sense of uneasiness that I got from the Yi City arc.

• If you know the canon, how do you feel like it relates to canon? If you don’t know the canon, what are your impressions of the characters just from my fic?

I've watched The Untamed, and I do feel that it does relate well to canon. I felt that you did bring across the same feelings that canon had, and I do think that you have a good read on XXC. I think you brought across how trusting XXC is from the drama into your fic, and your use of the word 'stranger' to label XY in XXC's limited POV really did bring that home for me.

• What did you think of the dialogue/prose?

Here are my comments about some of the dialogue and prose in the fic:

"Did I hurt you?" The stranger says, in a funny voice.
I think you could have gone into a bit more detail about XY's tone here — it's telling me that it's funny, but I'm not sure why as a reader, as is XXC. I can infer that perhaps it's like he doesn't care for XXC's pain, or like he doesn't take it seriously when XXC is unsure of how to interpret the light tone of his voice, and when he laughs. Although if this is your intention to keep the reader as confused as XXC is, then I would say that it works.

"Fine, I'll ask you what you want if you won't say," the stranger says, with a peculiar impatience.
This line was unclear for me as to what XY's intention was. Essentially he's giving XXC options as to what he wants, or just asking if XXC wants they both know he wants. I think rephrasing this might be helpful, perhaps something along the lines of 'fine, if you won't ask, I'll ask until you tell me' would be clearer. I thought how XY's line being said with a peculiar impatience was interesting since he's been intimate with XXC a number of times, and it seems like this isn't the first time he's getting this sort of reaction from him. Is this to show that XY has never been impatient like this in such a scenario before, so this is out of the ordinary, or is this to show that XY's impatience is peculiar and out of place in such a situation?

They are not particularly long fingers, but Xingchen appreciates that they are skilled with a sword-the stranger has kept up with him in their night hunts.
I liked the observation that XXC makes of XY's fingers here. It shows us a lot about his character — yes the fingers are bringing him pleasure, but the most important part about them to XXC are their ability to wield a sword and allow their owner to keep up with him.

I liked how it's clear that XXC cannot see in your fic, and you show it throughout rather than telling the reader. For example, a lot of his perception of XY comes from discerning his tone of voice.

"No, Daozhang... I'm sleeping now. Please don't bother me again."
This line from XY felt a little jarring to me given how XXC and XY are sleeping in this scene. Was XY awake all along then, or did he intend to sleep and just wanted XXC not to disturb, or is this supposed to hint to us that XY is behind the dreams?

I like the brief snatches of dialogue that we get between XY and A Qing that hint at the truth, which is just out of grasp for XXC because it's hidden from him. The ending is a solid punch to the gut — XXC continues with his mission thinking that he's saving Yi City, he perseveres despite doubt gnawing at him that this is all for naught. He thinks he's doing good, but we know that it's the very opposite.

Thank you for writing this!

[kaiosea]

I'm only a year late responding, which I am sorry to be so late, but thank you so much for your thoughtful and detailed responses! I did read through your concrit when you first posted it and have been meaning to respond since then...

I'm especially glad to hear that "stranger" worked as a choice, since it was something that I debated with myself over on the best way to convey it through writing. Your suggestion for conveying voice a little more with the one line is a good one! I think I chose "funny" because XXC says that a lot in the drama (at least the subtitles I watched), but since I'm in his head, why not explore what "funny" really sounds like!

I think with "I'm sleeping now" what I was thinking was that XY was really asleep and XXC woke him up by talking, though I don't think I got that across with how sparse I made it in that section haha.

I appreciate the time you took in reading through! Thanks again!

Concrit for: if you want to get me addicted (you have my permission)

[sadisticsparkle]

So, first I’d like to clarify my knowledge of MDSZ/The Untamed is pure osmosis and helping friends develop sprawling AUs. I’m not quite canon blind but I still haven’t watched the canon. So my critique is going to skip how-it-works-with-canon.

Based on what I knew and your tags/title/summary, I assumed it’d be a dark exploration of the fucked-up canon situation, probably with a sensual or sexual bent. And I think I pretty much got it right, so good job there. It was not predictable — there were still twists and turns in the story —, just well-advertised.

By osmosis only, I did get the sense of unease and manipulation in the character dynamics. It’s very clear the POV character is in denial about something or at least missing something; it’s also clear this ‘stranger’ is not what he seems. Every time they talk, you can tell there is some manipulation going on despite the POV character’s dismissal of that possibility.

Like here, for example:

“Fine, I’ll ask you what you want if you won’t say,” the stranger says, with a peculiar impatience. “Do you want me to scratch you? Or would that be an affront to your giant dignity?”
Xingchen swallows. “I would like you to scratch me.”

The mention of the impatience makes it clear this is not playfully insulting, but something darker.

Or here

“Lazy,” the stranger scolds as Xingchen begins to retire for a nap. Xingchen feels guilt stop him in his tracks. Could he stay awake another hour? Should he help with the groceries or the laundry? Can he do more?

Where Xingchen’s reaction makes what could be a friendly jab into a far nastier one. It’s also a startling sense of how much Xingchen has changed since the beginning due to the stranger.

This sense of murky unease underneath their interactions was a very effective emotional throughline. Your prose fit this very well because the tone was ever-so-slightly detached and not overtly emotional.

The plot is understandable with osmosis, although if I were canon-blind I’m sure I’d get that I was missing something but not know exactly what, because the tone conveys that. It’s intriguing and suspenseful; it builds a sense of dread, enough that the ending registers as ominous. The mentions of dreams also add to the surreal, slippery reality of it.

What I would have liked a bit more of is sensory detail — the physicality was dimmed and I think more focus on taste/smell (specific words and sensations) would have enhanced the character dynamics and make some scenes stand out more.

For example, this is a very good moment

They repeat syllables so sibilant that they disappear like smoke before Xingchen can shape them into words.

Because it’s so specific and the imagery reinforces the themes of the fic. So I would have liked to see more of that.

My favorite line in the fic is

When they are out of his mouth, Xingchen, gasping, asks for what he wants.

Because it conveys so much. It’s sparse, it’s very visual, and it’s tremendously clear. I think that other of the ending lines could have trimmed a bit to hem closer to this, make them sharper. For example It is clear to him that Yi City needs help; it needs him, and A-Qing, and the stranger.
So Xingchen leaves his bed behind. Nothing will get done while he’s asleep, and Yi City needs to be saved, just like the stranger said. maybe could’ve ended in ‘leaves his bed behind’. But that’s more of a matter of taste!
I hope this was helpful to you! I really enjoyed reading your fic.

Re: Concrit for: if you want to get me addicted (you have my permission)

[kaiosea]

I'm quite late responding, but thank you so much for your concrit! I'm happy the fic made enough sense through osmosis (and who hasn't osmosed a little of the Untamed/MDZS by now, haha).

It was really nice to hear which lines were your favorites! Your suggestion for more sensory detail is a great one. Especially in lieu of not having sight to work with in the fic. The last two paragraphs, too, I see what you mean about the repetition so close together. That might be something I would split up or move around differently if I were to write it again.

I appreciate your comment, thoughts, and suggestions a lot! Thank you :)

[vandoorne]

Concrit for: Memento Mori

I haven't consumed Moriarty the Patriot, but I have an osmosis knowledge of it due to consuming fanworks of it and being told the story thanks to a friend, so I'm not entirely canon blind. I looked at the request of the prompter as well to get a feel of what was written to fulfil the prompt.

What I thought/felt about the summary and title before and after I read the fic:

Before I read the fic: From your title and note, I did get the pun in the title. I thought that the fic might be about memory and death, and your summary made me expect a hot and steamy scene between Albert and William, and from the present/request dialogue presented it felt like there may be an imbalance in the power dynamics to me. (side note: is there a typo for William's name in the summary?)

After I read the fic: I thought the summary did a good job of conveying William and Albert's dynamic throughout the fic. The title didn't really work for me though, as I didn't quite see the relation between it and scene in the story.

My emotional reactions as I read the fic, what worked and what didn't:

I thought that you set up a steamy scene here. That's the atmosphere that I got from reading the fic, that it was hot and sensual, something smouldering between the two brothers. I felt that on a whole the fic did work for me as a scene between the brothers explaining their dynamic, showing that glimpse into their lives as to what they really are behind closed doors with one another.

How clear was the plot or characters' motivations or the physicality of what was happening:

I thought that the plot and motivations were generally clear in the fic. It's clear that Albert wants, but so does William, and it's clear that it's also a mutually beneficial arrangement for the both of them. As for the physicality of what was happening, I'll address that below in the section on what I thought of the dialogue and prose.

What sense of writing style did I get:

For this fic, I felt that it was a different style compared to your fic for The Untamed. It was atmospheric and detailed enough for me to be immersed into the world of Albert and William.

My impressions of the characters from your fic:

I felt that there was a distinct imbalance of power between Albert and William. There's a push and pull between them, which was something that I had expected to read about given my knowledge by osmosis.

What I thought of your dialogue/prose:

I thought the way you opened your fic was intriguing, with blood falling from William's fingertips. I wanted to know why there was blood, but it was not explained in the next few paragraphs, and I felt that the moment might have been lost.

You provided a lot of details about the room Albert and William were in, and it helped me to imagine just how it would be like for them, in a Victorian setting.

The silk is soft as if spun by a spider, and deep red like the engorged blood of its insect victims.
Actually, I think the imagery in the entire paragraph is vivid and striking, and I can see it clearly thanks to your description. This line though stuck out to me as jarring — while I understood what sort of comparison you're trying to make, with crimson and blood and deadliness, the knowledge that silk comes from silkworms just completely clashed with this for me. But on an overall, I do like the similes and metaphors that you use in your fic, and they help me to picture the characters and the scene more effectively. For example, I liked the comparison of William leaning back in his armchair even further to a cat considering its ineffectual owner — it showed a lot about his personality, and about his mannerisms as well.

When Albert winds the silk over William's hands, I'm still expecting you to return to why there was droplets of blood falling from his fingertips, but it doesn't happen and it feels unresolved for me.

Albert smiles back and presses William's cock against his cheek. The same softness greets him. Albert rubs William's cock over his cheeks and closed mouth and closed eyes, feeling William's cock slowly growing in size. Albert opens his mouth when he feels William's cock reach its full size.
This paragraph didn't work for me. It felt like it was a break from your style that you had up till now — heady, sensual, almost dreamlike. This paragraph felt like listing to me, as if it was William is not hard > now he's getting hard > now he's finally hard and then Albert opens his mouth. It was a little hard to follow for me here because I had expected Albert to be opening his mouth to take William's cock inside his mouth, but instead he sucks on William's finger instead. But according to your fic, William is surprised as well, so I would say that it works for you that the reader experiences what your character is feeling. I'm not sure if scrupulous would be the word to describe William's face/expression when surprise is added to it. What was the effect you were looking for?

For this fic, I think there's quite a bit of listing in terms of what is going on in the sex scene. Perhaps it's also my personal preference, but I'd prefer if it runs in action > reaction > action > reaction to keep the fic more dynamic. During the blowjob scene, I felt that you could have done with more detail with how William likes his cock sucked (or maybe, what would make William do (insert type of reaction that indicates what William does when it shows that he's enjoying having his cock sucked)?), and just what sort of skill does Albert have to please him. So for example, a sample line would be like 'He knows exactly how to flick his tongue over William's leaking slit, over and over, (this is the action that Albert knows how to do) to make William tug at his hair in pleasure. (this is the action William does when he enjoys the blowjob)'

When Albert pauses for a moment, he takes the moment to swipe the head of William's cock over his lips like rouge.

William's fingertips twitch.
This part felt jarring to me. The repetition of the word moment in the sentence did not work for it, and while the comparison brings to mind more of the colour red due to the rouge, I'm not really sure what sort of effect this is supposed to evoke. Especially when Wiliam's fingertips are twitching, I feel like maybe a bit more detail? (e.g. William's fingertips twitched against Albert's chin, if he's cupping his face?) Would have been more helpful for me in picturing the scene.

William's hands run cold, and Albert's mouth is on fire.
Are William's hands cold here, but Albert's mouth is on fire? I like the juxtaposition but felt that it could have been more effective if it was fire vs ice.

Albert feels William's fingertips grazing his chin and cheeks each time he swallows his cock down. Albert closes his eyes and sees red on the insides of his eyelids all the same: muted red firelight, red fabric, William's red eyes. There was blood on William's hands earlier this evening, too. A thrill of arousal sinks to his stomach and coalesces.
I like how everything is red here — red with blood, red with desire. For the final sentence, I think just 'Arousal shoots to his stomach and coalesces' would be better to describe it, having one's stomach sink reads like disappointment for me? But it certainly isn't what he's feeling, so I think changing it might be better.

I like the way you described William removing the silk around his wrists — there's a sharp contrast from his demeanour here compared to the start, and I think the position of the characters too, after William has had his pleasure, really showcases the dynamic between them. I would have preferred a little more clarity when William makes Albert come (is William touching him through his clothes?) although the clarification is made later on when you tell the reader that Albert came all over himself. I'm not sure if using 'spoiling' rather than 'soiling' is a deliberate choice, but I think spoiling does work too in this case since he's dirtying his fancy clothes completely too.

I would have preferred if you included a line break for the change of scene, where the brothers had gotten changed, but feel free to ignore if it's a stylistic choice. I like the ending conversation between Albert and William, where Albert recognises what makes their relationship, and I like the glimpse that we get into Albert's head and what he wonders about his relationship with William. I especially like the ending line — it provides closure about what William brings to Albert's life, even if they both have to be stained with blood by the end of it.

After reading the fic, I realise that the part about the blood might have been confusing to me because I was canon-blind in terms of the finer details of what was going on. You mentioned in the beginning notes that it was William who did the stabbing at the start of the fic, so I'm guessing that William has blood on his hands due to murder.

Overall, I did enjoy this fic and I thought that it was understandable for me even though I'm only armed with knowledge by osmosis! Thank you for writing!

[kaiosea]

I definitely did have a typo in the summary so thank you for alerting me that lol, how embarrassing for me. I wasn't able to find a beta for this if you couldn't tell, so this also inspired me to look for and find even more typos and format errors. Whoops! I need to fix those.

Your comments on the prose are helpful! Particularly the suggestion to trade reactions back and forth. Looking back with the gift of time, parts of this fic read "split up" to me, like I'm using too many paragraph breaks and the paragraphs are too short. (This is a weird bad habit that I started doing in 2021 when there are long passages without dialogue.) I feel like if I connected some of the very short lines/paragraphs by interspersing more of William's reactions, it would help.

I agree shoots is better than sinks! I forgot about that association for sinks. Spoils- intentional with that one!

Thank you again for taking your time to do this! Also, no pressure to respond or make sense of what I said as I know it's been what, 7 months since you wrote your comment? I just wanted to respond to let you know how helpful I found it!