Concrit for pendrecarc

[pendrecarc]

I want to receive feedback by: DW comment

Here are the works I want feedback on (optional: and my safe works are...):

Complete works posted on AO3 after mid-2014. Filtered link here. For AO3 works, I'd prefer to get concrit here. Safe stories to exclude: Six Seeds; Red Sky at Morning; The Fine Print

If you've got loads of time and want to read a novel-length WIP, I'm working on a Regency f/f romance featuring identity porn, crossdressing, and marriage of convenience here: linneacarls. Feedback can go straight in the comments there.

My works' fandoms and content notes are:

The Queen's Thief; Jane Austen; Magnus Archives; Original Works; Rivers of London; a variety of smaller fandoms. Stories on AO3 are generally tagged or have notes for anything canon-atypical. The original WIP contains references to two instances of sexual violence, both of which occur before the story, neither of which was committed against the POV character.

I have these questions for readers:

I love writing pastiche and changing up my style based on the fandom and type of story. Would appreciate notes on how the chosen voice, POV, and style does or doesn't work. For example, in Rivers of London, I've written three stories with three different POVs, and I tried to make them all very specific to the chosen character. I'd love to hear ways in which that served, or failed to serve, any individual story.

I'd also love comments on pacing, characterization, and clarity of plot. For exchange stories, I'm often trying to convey a sense of larger events/context in a limited number of words and would like to know if that is or isn't successful. For the novel-length WIP, a sense of when it gets bogged down or repetitive, or when something needs more time. I love wordsmithing, so detailed feedback on phrasing, sentence and paragraph structure, rhythm, etc. is welcome. (It's possibly less useful for the novel-length WIP, which is completely unedited, but I'm open to it.)

The style of feedback I prefer to receive is: Anything from gentle to extremely critical feedback is fine!

Comments to this post will be: Unscreened

Comments

Routine Maintenance

[galadriel1010]

Hi! I'm reviewing this for Concrit-X.

First up, when I got my assignment I skimmed your work and glommed onto this one immediately. I read it straight up and have been thinking about it regularly ever since. It's so damn good, I thoroughly enjoyed it.

The concept is brilliant. I'm always fascinated by the allusions to the Folly's security and what it guards, and you did a brilliant piece of worldbuilding to expand on those hints. It's very realistic to the universe, as well, being both dark and weird at the same time, but delivered in that charming style that makes you read on and then go back and think "Hang on a second, did he just say blood?"

Dismantling them would trigger an alert and activate the inner series of wards, which Nightingale had designed himself during that rather dull period from 1968-1973 when there had been very little to do but contemplate the inevitability of his own death and what that would mean for the future of English magic. Again, this is so on voice. Aaronovitch uses sentences like this and you've used it to great effect. It starts out so benignly, and then halfway through I spat my tea out laughing and then it got sad. Delightful.

Nightingale was no David Mellenby, and he was no Peter Grant. I love that you brought Mellenby in. He's one of my favourite unseen characters of the books, and the constant comparisons between Peter and him, and Peter's having to live up to so many ghosts, is wonderful. That you've had Nightingale call him out specifically here but also put Peter on the same footing as him already is a really lovely touch.

The conversation between Molly and Nightingale is really nicely done. The way they dance around the subject of Lesley and she manages to say so much without words really works for them. That moment when she sets the toast down "with rather more force than necessary" conveys the whole tangled mess, doesn’t it?

the woman spooning raspberry jam into a cup of otherwise perfectly good tea I winced. I know people swear by it, but I remain sceptical, so I'm on Nightingale's side with this one. And I laughed.

Varvara is a delight. I never warmed to her in the books, perhaps I will on reread, but if I do it will probably be because of this story. I genuinely like your portrayal of her as a person. She's just the right level of cheerful and sarcastic and I want to go out for drinks with her.

it didn’t mean he wanted to waste any of his borrowed time locked away from the world. Not any more of it than he already had. That's an interesting admission. I wonder how much of the 90s Nightingale was aware of?

I love how you've brought the other characters in. Guleed is a fun balance against the weirdness of the Folly, and the way she takes everything in her stride puts it all into perspective. Her brief conversation with Molly about cake is such a wonderfully normal moment considering who she's talking to and where she is.

The SPECT scan conversation is brilliant. Again, draws the contrast between Varvara and Nightingale, one who went out and enjoyed her life and one who stayed locked away in the past. I love Varvara's collection of records and her clothes, and Molly claiming them away, that was such a perfectly Rivers of London moment. The phrasing of the wrinkles were not long for this world is spot on.

“I suppose we’ll have to go back to vodka-fueled interrogations to get any useful intelligence from you.”

“I look forward to it.” Stop flirting, you two. Or don't.

Really liked the personal effects box. It was a lovely way to look at Varvara's life without requiring exposition or the aforementioned vodka, and showed a more vulnerable side of her. Nightingale being more gentle than usual with he box said a lot about him too.

Is this about the sheep? I love their whole conversation, but that set me off. What a way to open a conversation. Abdul and Nightingale have a wonderfully relaxed relationship here, I love it. And then you did it to me again when Peter rang, but thankfully I'd finished my tea by that point.

The insight into what was going on at the Folly at the time is really interesting. I really like the route you took with it, Nightingale's immediate concern for Peter and his sending Bev with him, and his instinct to go haring off after him even though he knows he can't.

He told himself the brownish splotches were at least as likely to be beef gravy as they were to be human blood. Siri, sum up the Folly for me in one sentence. I love that it's on graph paper, and the sentimentality of refusing to transcribe them so he has an excuse to keep hold of it. I could have cried at that. I am a Nightingale/Mellenby shipper, and my poor little shipper heart went out at that moment.
Your descriptions of the Folly during and then immediately after the wars are excellent. Deft and delicate, and achingly sad in their way.

And now we hit the really, really juicy worldbuilding. It's so good? Voice is absolutely spot on, it could have come from one of Aaronovitch's short stories and I'm pretty sure I'll be misremembering it as canon in years to come. I love how utterly present David is, even when he's decades gone. That description of his signare as warm and welcoming made my heart ache.

That aside about the gap at the twelfth order and Nightingale wishing he could remember it to tell Peter? Absolute magic. We were so robbed of their interactions. They'd get on so well. And Nightingale has both of them in his head telling him to stop (and of course he doesn't listen).

For an instant of utter clarity, he saw the wards opening like a chasm beneath his feet, the roiling horror of the death that had paid for them exposed like a raw nerve. And then the spells did not so much collapse as implode. Stunning. Voice absolutely spot on, sense of horror and weird is perfect. Just *Chef's kiss* I had a moment of genuine fear when he couldn't light the werelight, like the first time I read River of London and Peter's werelight got eaten.

I want to hug Nightingale. I don't think he'd appreciate it, but I want to do it.
Varvara to the rescue! Sort of. I love their banter backwards and forwards, the things he answers and the ones he doesn't, the way he just impellos her into the wall rather than arguing about it and she knows better than to try anything big in that space. And she's straight in there looking after him, for reasons that must have been utterly bewildering to him even if he weren't half out of it with blood loss and battering his brain against the wards. The drawing in the corner is so lovely I'm going to cry again. Is it weird that I miss a character we never met? I am inordinately fond of David.
I both do and don't want to know what the sacrifices are. I think you've made it quite clear, but if I don't acknowledge that I won't cry again.

That conversation about their immortality leading to the revelation about the blood is brilliant. I wondered where you were going with it (not that I wasn't enjoying the journey, I very much was) and then that came out of nowhere. So simple, so obvious, so brilliant when the penny finally drops. And of course Nightingale goes into self-recrimination whilst Varvara uses her brain, but we'll forgive him since he's so battered already.

Oh my shippy heart. Poor Nightingale. Poor David. Damnit Aaronivitch.
“Oh, do consider Peter, if you find that helpful,” she said with unnecessary enthusiasm. I cackled. Probably shouldn't, but I did.

Nightingale trying not to plead. Varya enjoying the command. Very nice indeed. Sex scenes are not my usual wheelhouse, but I really enjoyed the mix of flirty, sexy and sarcastic

Their conversation in the smoking room after, again with so much left unsaid, wraps things up so nicely. I particularly liked the use of My Generation to tie it all off. It's the perfect album for it.

General notes:
As I've mentioned, I really loved your voice for this story. It felt very accurate to the canon and also to Nightingale. Not as many architectural wanderings as we get with Peter, more reminiscences and historical reflections, which felt spot on.
You placed it really well within the context of the series and drew on the wider events well, although I was confused at times by the timeline you had for David Mellenby. This might be because of things from books released since, though, I realise it's a while since you wrote this and creators have an annoying habit of Jossing us. You expanded on hints we've been dropped beautifully.

So in short, I just really loved this story.

Re: Routine Maintenance

[pendrecarc]

Okay, confession, this is one of my personal favorites--it was so much fun to write, and sometimes I indulge myself by rereading it just for kicks! (And then adjust my Spotify playlist accordingly, because the music is A Mood.) You've picked out so many of the things I still love about it. If I've managed to warm you up toward Varvara, I'm more pleased than I can say!

Thank you for this lovely, detailed response on so many levels! It means a lot to me.

Sex scenes are not my usual wheelhouse TBH they aren't mine, either, but when I figured out I could use one as actual plot resolution, I couldn't resist.

I'm having trouble, now, remembering what I knew about Mellenby's timeline before writing this, and what precisely is or isn't canon. Can I ask--and if you don't have time to answer or think of specifics, that's more than understandable--what you found confusing about it? If it's something I can clear up easily for future readers, I'd love to do that.

Again, thank you, reading this was a joy.

Re: Routine Maintenance

[galadriel1010]

I'm back. Sorry for the very delayed response, work has been A Thing.

Now let's nerd out.

I could not tell that sex scenes are not your usual wheelhouse, you wrote it with confidence and panache.

As for David's timeline, I've searched my notes and can't work out now what's canon and what's my plucked from mid air dates, but I am partway through a reread and will let you know if I find anything. For some reason I have the 1950s in my head as when he died but I may be wrong on that one. I did have a bit of a struggle trying to work out where you'd put the construction of the wards, basically because the arithmetic was a bit beyond what my brain can handle without a pen and paper. Trying to work out when the story is set, then how long Nightingale has been maintaining the wards, and therefore how long they've been there... and honestly, I came up with a different year every time I tried it and eventually gave up and just enjoyed the story.