Concrit for eyeballboba

[eyeballboba]

I want to receive feedback by : Comments on AO3 (anon is fine), or on this post.

Here are the works I want feedback on: Anything on my AO3!

My works' fandoms and content notes are: The archive warnings + some more should be tagged per fic, and there's a range from G to E, but I would like to note that I'm not generally a fluff person. A few of my fandoms are OMORI, Pokemon, Hollow Knight, We Know the Devil, Boyfriend to Death, and Original Work.

I have these questions for readers: I cannot guarantee edits that change the story or major beats, but I would love to hear about those and whether they worked or not! And I'm always happy to get SPAG corrections or line-by-lines, as well as advice, and feedback for things I may not have considered. Right now I'm focused on incorporating feedback into new works rather than perfecting existing pieces, so I will happily receive prompts or requests if my writing inspires you to do so as well.

The style of feedback I prefer to receive is: Any observations or thoughts of any kind! First impressions, what stood out to you, noticed patterns intentional or not, how characters or other story elements came off as, for the twine game what choices you made, and so on. Direct and blunt is fine, asking questions or not understanding is also fine. Praise is nice, but I don't mind negativity either. You can't go wrong with the content of your feedback for me.

Comments to this post will be: Unscreened

Comments

[mireia]

Final thoughts:

I played this like a standard choose-your-own-adventure game. I knew there were multiple endings and that things were going to get creepy, but in a lot of these games you can get an ending where you either live or find out the whole truth of the situation if you pick the right answers. I thought paying attention to the details would save me. I thought watching out for tricks and misdirection would save me. But...no. It was all futile. The characters were all doomed the moment they set foot in the forest. When I say "futile", I don't mean that I felt like a waste of my time to play. Not at all; it evoked that sense of despair that comes with feeling helpless, no matter what you do. These trees hate humans for how they've treated them, and there's no way to make the forest stop or let you go. Well done. Both you and the guardian of this forest got the better of me. (And for all I ragged on the protagonists for being stupid*, was I much better? I spent so much time trying to outsmart the game when I should have picked up that it was hopeless much earlier.)

The visuals are simple, but atmospheric. The use of only black and white really helps with the mood. I also really found the sound effects incredibly creepy and effective, and I was kind of glad they stopped when I clicked away to take notes. The descriptions of the horror were very visceral and effective, and they made a nice contrast with the genuinely cute and sweet descriptions early on. Overall, just a very nice atmospheric game. I played the routes in this order: Perpetuity, Personification, Headache. I felt like the routes built on each other nicely: the unsettling but not graphic fate of perpetuity, followed by the more detailed and visceral Personification, and finally the player coming so very close to finally escaping in Headache.

I guess the one criticism I have is how anticlimactic "Perpetuity" felt to me. I get that it's a much more mundane horror than the other two routes - and it is - but it didn't feel much like an "ending" to me as just a place where it kind of stopped. But then again, that's the kind of the point, since you're wandering until you die. I'm wondering if the background changing once you reach the page with the ending might have made it more effective to me? Something subtle like the trees being thicker or taller? I don't know.

Since we never learn the secrets of this forest, I wonder... Is it just an atmospheric game? Or is the theme a cautionary tale against messing with things you don't understand?


*Now that I've posted it, I wonder that came off badly. If so, I am so sorry, it was not meant as an insult against the work.

Edit: Shit, I forgot you can't edit comments that have been replied to.

Thank you!!!

[eyeballboba]

Ahhh thank you so much!!!! I've been super busy these past few days so I knew this comment existed but didn't want to read it before I had the time to sit down and properly appreciate long comments, but now that I'm here... This was a delight to read and perfectly well-attuned, thank you very much!

I absolutely love liveblogs and you are completely correct that it's helpful for devs to see the process of a player as they're playing, so this was all really great. I'm evilly tapping my fingers together and going muahahaha as I'm reading your reading of my story right now... I think it would take another year if I were to talk about all the little things you noticed that made me go :D so I'm just going to talk about some of the big things, but rest assured all your thoughts were very appreciated!

But...no. It was all futile. The characters were all doomed the moment they set foot in the forest. When I say "futile", I don't mean that I felt like a waste of my time to play. Not at all; it evoked that sense of despair that comes with feeling helpless, no matter what you do.

Ohh, very interesting! When I was figuring out what game I wanted to make, before I decided anything about the plot, I knew I wanted to make something easy and story-oriented where the player wouldn't need mental overhead for save scumming or need to reset to see missed dialogue. So what's coming off as futility to you is me trying to be nice, hilariously enough -- which is also a super useful thing for the next game I've been thinking of. I think I might try to signal that there's no need to reset or get stuck a bit more obviously. (And also no need to apologize about your thoughts on the stupidity of the protagonist, ahaha -- that was also a very interesting angle I hadn't considered! My focus was on the horrible deaths when I was writing this, but I think it might be fun to have the character interlock with the story and themes next time.)

(Also >_> shh don't tell anyone but part of the reason that the body parts chosen don't match up with the themes too well is because I was running out of time and slightly panicked ahaha. I slightly wished that I picked better/more fitting symbolism a few days after posting, ahahaha, so it's kind of satisfying to have that pointed out now.)

I'm wondering if the background changing once you reach the page with the ending might have made it more effective to me? Something subtle like the trees being thicker or taller? I don't know.

The background actually did change!

Here's the image of the forest: https://v6p9d9t4.ssl.hwcdn.net/html/5863312/publish%20copy/images/forest1.png
Here's the image of the forest (bread): https://v6p9d9t4.ssl.hwcdn.net/html/5863312/publish%20copy/images/forest4.png

One of the reasons why I think this ending works better after the others is because this was a much more subtle change that's easier to miss if you don't know the background is already going to change, ahah... though I might also make it more striking of a difference for whatever I use visual effects for next time! Or perhaps it would be more clear if they only changed once the End: Perpetuity came up, hmm hmm.

Anyway, like many other commenters (not just you) have mentioned I think I definitely made the bread too interesting lol, it seems like a lot of people picked that first!

Oh, also, in case you wore wondering: There's no randomness in this game, and the first part of the routes, from you walking through the forest up to before you place the offerings, are all identical!

Anyway, thank you very much for your detailed comment! I feel so spoiled, ehehe, since it sure felt like it was basically all praise. I appreciate you very much!