Concrit for amitye

[nonexistentwench]

I want to receive feedback by: Comment on my DW post in this community, ideally. If for any reason you don't feel comfortable doing it publicly my Discord handle is SaltWife98#6608

Here are the works I want feedback on: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amitye/works my safe works would be the Inheritance Cycle fics, the second chapter of "You don't know what love is" and "love can tell a million stories".

My works' fandoms and content notes are: It's all tagged, tell me if you have any questions! The fandoms are Romeo and Juliet, War and Peace/Natasha Pierre and the Great Comet of 1812,Six of Crows and Carrie

I have these questions for readers: (highly optional, I'm perfectly fine with your spontaneous impression) Is there anything that would make you close the fic without finishing? Does the dialogue flow well? Does the pacing work? If you choose to comment on a longer (10k+) work, would this be better if it was shorter and do you have any advice on how to avoid this sort of word count bloating?

I would prefer gentle (5) or direct (1) feedback, or something in between: mhh maybe around a 2-3? As long as you aren't straight up insulting I'm good with everything

Comments

[iberiandoctor]

Overall impressions:
I’m a fan of historical literary and theatre fandoms, and see that you are one too; your passion for the genre and setting really comes through in your stories, and it’s one of your biggest strengths. You are a solid writer with a flair for characterisation and dialogue, and the crossover I read displayed some nice creative canon-transformative work!

My main area of critique, and it’s a fix that I feel is low-hanging fruit, is that your work needs a closer edit, particularly for formatting and typos. I’m afraid that formatting issues in a fic will almost invariably make me back-button just because the wall of text just that much harder on my bad eyes and I know that is true for many readers? But it’s not difficult to address!

Detailed comments:

I chose one long work and one short one to delve more deeply into, so as to be able to give you a wider range of, and hopefully therefore more helpful, critique. Please let me know if anything is unclear!

Your most recent work, within the gentle heart abideth love, is a M-rated, 9,000+-word crossover between two Shakespearean fandoms and rare-pairs Romeo with Edmund of Gloucester -- an inspired Little Black Dress pairing which you really made work for me! You’re obviously very familiar with the canon, and it shows in your assured, stylish writing and inspired crossover milieu. I’m not usually a fan of modern AUs, but I really enjoyed this one, not only because it made sense to bridge the different time periods in both canons in this way, but also because I liked what the setting allowed you to do in terms of pacing and contemporary style.

Edmund never put much stock in symbolism. If he did, then he might be upset by the fact he is not invited at old Lear’s Family Dinners, those mysterious affairs where the members of the the aforementioned Families smooch each other’s rings, drink each other’s blood or whatever rituals they’ve come up with to feel like they’re royalty or men of honor or anything but washed-up weapon traffickers who can barely handle their own territory anymore, let alone carry out these expansion plans they occasionally rehash when they’re shitfaced drunk.

I liked the rhythm of this paragraph, the uninhibited flow of words and complex sentences showing just what a clever, complex character Edmund is. Your modern organised crime AU vernacular (washed-up weapon traffickers, shitfaced drunk) gives your language an edge that is a lot of fun to read. You keep this vivid, confident style through the story, giving classic lines that modern spin (Dreamers often lie. Dreams are lying pieces of shit, heh!), and it’s great throughout.

I also really enjoyed what you did with the characters and how you made both the plot and pairing come together. It makes a lot of sense that rash, volatile, violent Romeo would fall recklessly in love with this smarmily-charming, sophisticated older man (”That won’t do, if I am to sleep under your window and let you make us pasta unsupervised, indeed!), and that Edmund, resourceful villain that he is, would be charmed despite himself by this beautiful, desperate boy (Why he doesn’t know, as seeking out anything else to manipulate this boy is frankly bringing a shotgun to hunt rabbits to what little honor Edmund does feel to have, but he does…He has to sleep naked that night.), as well as with the use he could make of him. The character and story arc, especially the ending where Romeo acts rashly to secure Edmund’s future, and Edmund is so smitten he actually lets him ("You have already done so much for me. I would not ask this of you… Or at least, not unrewarded"), really worked for me.

As to my point about closer editing -- it’s much more difficult to edit closely when the fic is long, but I would really like to emphasize how much it would enhance your fic. At many places the fic feels as if this is a first draft, with missing punctuation marks and words and typos; your otherwise solid, character-arc-building dialogue would benefit so much from tightening and more considered word choice. It’s exacerbated because your fic and your sentences are so long and complex – don’t get me wrong, long and complex is a stylistic choice that works for me and has worked for me in this fic, but without rigorous editing it is all too easy for everything to tip over into over-complexity and a lack of clarity.

For instance, in the final passage of an otherwise gripping climax, you have this loosely-phrased paragraph that undermines the action:

He sobs softly, lowering his head. “I know. I know Reagan" there's a sourness in his voice that would make him laugh in another situation, the way he straightens up defiantly "- I know you had your own plans for it to happen. I know you don’t really need me all that much. But I could not stand not being the one who did this for you.”

Another round of edits might have clarified that it’s Romeo and not Edmund that’s speaking (or straightening up defiantly), and made clear what Romeo means about Reagan’s (and Edmund’s) plans, and emphasized just how far these two crazy kids are willing to go for each other!

Songstress, the first chapter of your collection of flashfics for Natasha Pierre and the Great Comet of 1812, is a 700+ word character study of Hélène and her slow-burn feelings for Natasha. It’s a nice little gem of a fic, showcasing some solid character beats (Natasha’s hot-blooded passion, that brimming, barely contained spontaneity, and how she might realize she had [said, or done] something inappropriate and fake-titter and apologize; Pierre’s new maturity; the reactions of the various constituents of jaded Russian society at the opera, particularly Sophie who was pure enough to make a man dream of redemption but, it seemed, not enough to achieve it). I enjoyed it very much, especially the ending:

She wishes she had gotten that last sip of childish joy she had tried to preserve - make the girl know love, adventure, save her from the chains of marriage, I'd have killed for a pretty older woman to do that for me, that's what's best for her, isn't it? - and ended up destroying instead. She wishes she knew what she has ruined.

This story is better edited than within the gentle heart, which is great! Still, the several typos (“bouquet”, the missing word in the excerpt two paragraphs up, the funniest, most open, unguarded face Hélène a had ever seen) and overly-complex, less-than-clear phrasing again tend to distract from the fic.

I hope this critique has been useful! All the best with this exchange and your fic-writing future!

[nonexistentwench]

Wow, thank you so much!
This was so lovely to read, and I'm thrilled you liked Songstress too! It's one of those teen works I barely remembered I had and it was so nice. Your criticism is really useful: I've been trying to beat myself into starting to at least try to work with a beta for a while and I guess I need encouragement. Thank you very much for everything

[iberiandoctor]

Heh, sorry, coming back to leave you a note on tagging! Your mileage may vary on this one, but as someone who also writes in period fandoms, I do tend to look out for the Modern AU tag. In like vein, you might want to consider tagging your Romeo/Edmund crossover as Modern AU, so people looking for canon R&J or Lear fic could either filter out, or search for modern adaptations? Just a thought; if you did get round to working with a beta it's always helpful to get a second opinion on tagging, too.

[(Anonymous)]

Hello! I read the milk of human kindness, your Carrie fic - I've read a little Stephen King but not Carrie specifically, so I'm coming into this with only a wiki summary and apologise in advance if I miss any canon details.

This was perfectly in theme for the Hurt/Comfort exchange, and I liked it a lot - Carrie's helplessness and isolation in the beginning was very stark, and I loved the sense of slow recovery as Carrie finds in Sue someone who won't hurt her, who sees her for who she is and stays by her side as she finds her way through life in the aftermath. Carrie seems like a smart, capable girl who's been stifled and hurt badly, and it's heartening to see her slowly heal, have better experiences, and start to find happiness in small things and Sue's company.

Some commentary and some quote responses:

The hurt/comfort is wonderful - Carrie's 100mph mental train of self-blame and self-castigation is raw and painful, and Sue being there, grounding Carrie and taking her home when she's too traumatized to even think about where she's going, is wonderful. I loved Sue drawing Carrie a bath first thing (it sounds so warm and nice and, well, comforting), and asking Carrie "Will you tell me what happened to you?", touching her hair and soothing her until Carrie has calmed down enough to cry it out.

Ugliness was painful and beauty was pain to wield, but up close, Susan was neither.
This line hits hard, both in its delivery (a simple harsh truth that this is a lose-lose situation - pretty or ugly, there's pain on either side) and how easily it comes to Carrie's mind (I get the sense Carrie has been given a hard time by people who care too much about appearances, or worries a lot about it herself). And then the last part Susan was neither cuts straight through - Carrie isn't seeing her as pretty or ugly, but in a different light altogether (and, maybe most importantly, a light that isn't associated with pain.)

I picked out this line specifically to comment on but I noticed many other sudden little insights like this throughout the fic - not all positive, not all nice, but always incisive - and I'm not sure if this is an aspect of Carrie's voice or your writing generally but either way I love it.

Sue’s breath hitched as her fingers found the cut on her shoulder blade. “Bitches fucking beat you up too?”
Carrie burst out laughing, bitter and slightly hysterical, at how incongruous those words felt with Sue's angel face and worried voice, digging bloody fingers in her cheeks
This moment feels very real and human.

And then I love Carrie moving through the aftermath, unsure of herself and occasionally getting caught even on should-be-straightforward things like watching TV and family dinners, but also just being with Sue and being seventeen even if she 'felt unready, unprepared'. There's a strong sense of the everyday, and the feeling of time gently passing. It's not always calm and it's not always nice - Carrie still has nightmares, people still are thoughtlessly unkind to her, and she still mostly finds things dull - but it is going by, and she has Sue there with her now.

And now there was something else too, a little creature with beautiful tiny fingers, beautiful soft little feet, a beautiful sweet face and beautiful thoughts, nothing but warmth, joy, the sense of being safe and held, the way maybe Carrie had felt too, before she was greeted on the way out by a kitchen knife.
This whole section is very sweet but I had to mention this paragraph for that swerve into "oh no" at the end, I jumped (excellently done, also poor Carrie.)

Carrie's laughter shattered into a shriek. "I believe in myself! Oh Susie, Susie, you're so sweet."
She was, she knew that. It would have been all so easy if this was all an elaborate prank, if there was anything in Sue's head now but the deepest worry and tenderness, but she just genuinely, innocently didn't understand and she could not live with that.
I've already mentioned how much I love the hurt/comfort but this scene struck me particularly. Things aren't all better now - Carrie still has to live with herself, her past and the knowledge of what she's done, and Carrie is right, Sue for how wonderful she is still doesn't get it. But (and this is a personal reaction, not anything textual) I also have a sense of hope - Carrie's always faced these things alone before, but maybe things will be different now that she's bringing this up to Sue for the first time.

"Because it didn't come out of nowhere, she's the one who hurt you. That's much more unnatural than anything you can do. Your mother was a Christian! Isn't the virgin Mary meant to be an example for mothers?"
I love that Carrie still carries all this darkness, but for the first time she has a dissenting voice - Sue - to all the self-defeating things.

I also love the role reversal at the end, when it's Sue who has to face a part of her past she doesn't like and Carrie comforting her. I especially like this exchange -
“But it’s one thing to- no, I shouldn’t bother you with this. It’s so stupid compared-”
“More nonsense. You have a right to cry. I want you to tell me everything.”
- it's a great call back to the beginning, only this time it's Carrie asking Sue to tell her things.

In response to your questions:


Is there anything that would make you close the fic without finishing?
Nope, I found no reason not to finish! Nothing abrupt or unexpected, the tone and content are consistent and it's just the h/c fic the tags and summary make it out to be.

Does the dialogue flow well?
Yup, loved it and I could imagine them having those conversations.

Does the pacing work?
Yup, it worked great for me. I liked the framing of 'life after prom' - it sets a clear boundary between Sue helping her through the immediate trauma, and the current point when Carrie has to face the longer, indefinite problem of the traumatic event being over but now she has to go on with life somehow.

That second part felt delightfully real-time to me - Carrie not knowing what to do with herself, going out with Sue, adopting a kitten(!!) and revising for exams - all give the sense of the summer passing gently and steadily. And then following that there's autumn and needing new clothes, and going to the mall to do so...

The timeskip here to after the baby was born felt a little abrupt, especially after the slow pace from the first half - I went into this section thinking I'd maybe see a little more of Sue's pregnancy and Carrie's part of it as she moves into Sue's life, becoming a partner in addition to a friend. Fixing up the house together, and how Carrie arrived at the decision that she wants to be a therapist, for instance - all intriguing little asides I'd have loved to see in as much detail as in the beginning.

If you choose to comment on a longer (10k+) work, would this be better if it was shorter and do you have any advice on how to avoid this sort of word count bloating?

I'm guessing this question doesn't apply since this was 8K (it felt longer), but for what it's worth I think the pace fit the slow recovery well :)

[nonexistentwench]

Wow, thank you so much!! This is lovely. Thank you for taking to time for such an in-depth comment