Concrit for Ancslove

[ancslove]

I want to receive feedback by: Comment on either my DW post here or on AO3 comments on the specific work

Here are the works I want feedback on (optional: and my safe works are...): Anything on AO3 is fair game
https://archiveofourown.org/users/ancslove/works

My works' fandoms and content notes are: On AO3 - Buffyverse, Ancient Greek Religion & Lore/The Iliad, Les Miserables, Star Wars. My works have a lot of noncon, all clearly tagged. I like to write noncon, gen, fluffy slice of life

I have these questions for readers:

• What is your overall impression?
• Does anything stand out as particularly effective or well done?
• How are the character voices?
• How do you feel about the pacing?  Is anything too meandering, or too rushed?
• Does the ending feel complete and earned?
• Anything else you feel could be improved?

I would prefer gentle (5) or direct (1) feedback, or something in between: Something in the middle (3-4)

Comments

[anti_cyclone]

I read When Tomorrow Comes. I wanted to note that I'm not familiar with canon, in case anything in my comment seems off. (I did skim some wiki articles.)

What is your overall impression?

I liked it! It was a sweet story and I enjoyed the hurt/comfort aspect. I would've been happy to receive this in an exchange. The title and summary also both fit, and the tags gave a good indication of what to expect.

Does anything stand out as particularly effective or well done?

- The moment Enjolras got hit being described at such a distance (Something slammed into his shoulder) was great. In addition to Enjolras noticing the bullets earlier in the paragraph, it makes it clear what happened and immediately raises the stakes. Enjolras brushing it off also communicates how urgently they need to escape.

- Apparently, Bahorel saved his stylistic flair for his wardrobe, rather than his lodgings. I thought this told us a whole lot about Bahorel. How he appears, what he prioritizes, and his general life circumstances. It also served as a good descriptive note for the apartment without having to go into details.

- Combeferre clearly overestimated him. This made me laugh. It succinctly summarized Enjolras's general attitude toward bedrest. It also set Enjolras up for being excited for a visit from Bahorel.

- The hurt/comfort was well handled. The marble skin comment and the description of Bahorel being outwardly mischievous and inwardly solemn was nice. I thought it communicated his care for Enjolras and was a good note for their dynamic. The soft face touch that followed and how they both held still for it - but then didn't say anything about it! - was also a rich emotional moment. I really loved that part.

Does the ending feel complete and earned?

I'm going to quote the whole ending paragraph so I can talk about two different things:

Another kiss, languorous and sweet. Enjolras settled down in Bahorel's arms, eyes closing. True, he'd never imagined needing or wanting something like this. But the world sat on the brink of change. A new dawn would soon rise over Paris, and Enjolras too could enjoy all its promise.

- I thought this was very sweet. It was a nice warm-and-fuzzy moment and I was happy that they got to A) be together B) settle down and rest in a comfortable bed, haha. The phrasing of the world being on the brink of change and Enjolras enjoying its promise was good. It made me think that nice things were on the horizon for them. Even though the wiki let me know that's… not the case in canon. :') But it gave a feeling that the story was bigger than what we were seeing here, that this romance fit into their overall lives, and I enjoyed that.

- This is a personal opinion, so take it with a grain of salt, but lines at the very end like 'He never thought about this' are not my favorite. It throws me out of the story and gives me the feeling that the character who's thinking it is more 'going along with the situation' rather than being genuinely attracted to the other character. I think this would have worked better earlier on. Ex. between these paragraphs: …Bahorel’s fingers were firm and deft and, above all, caring. / Bahorel fixed one final knot and then stepped away. When it's right at the end, it feels like the character has pulled back from the situation. I think it detracts from the emotional rush. But if the line comes before the emotional climax, it reads less like the character pulling away and more like an expression of the character's pining or attraction to the romantic interest.

Anything else you feel could be improved?

- the bone of his cheek This is a very minor note, but this phrasing, instead of cheekbone, threw me off slightly. Suggestions: 'curve/line of his cheek' or 'cheekbone.'

End notes

Overall though I did think it was a strong story! The note about the ending, even for my personal preferences, wasn't so distracting as to take too much away from the rest of the fic. The hurt/comfort was used well for intimacy purposes, and I am always a fan of tending to wounds and I think that was done well.

Additionally I think both characters seemed attracted to the other and their first kiss was really nice. Specifically I liked the phrasing of the world froze around them, especially in context of Enjolras looking out at the world at the end. It was a nice use of careful phrasing because it put the emphasis all on the two of them, and made it feel like they got to keep moving together while the world went still.

[ancslove]

Thank you so much! I'm glad you enjoyed the story, and I'll definitely keep what you've said in mind. I agree with what you said about the ending. Moving that thought earlier would have improved the emotional arc, and made the ending a little less "pat".

This was really helpful, and I appreciate everything you had to say.

[iberiandoctor]

So I had a bit of internal debate over whether to give you my perspective on this, and I landed on the side of saying something after all. Concrit is highly subjective, and I am here offering my opinion in all respect to your critic as well as you, in case this different view might be at all useful?

So I really enjoyed your lovely RMSE story, and I 100% agreed with everything in anticyclone's thoughtful, well-reasoned comment, except for their final point on the ending. I definitely get where they were coming from, viz, that removing references to Enjolras's doubts improved the trajectory of the emotional arc, whereas including it threw them out of the fic? It's just that, for me, including it made the ending a bit less "pat". Having this interlude with Bahorel isn't going to change their fate, or Enjolras' previous ambivalence to the distractions of love; if the last para was an unambiguous paean to a hopeful future, that would have rung falsely for me (not that either you or your critic would have suggested you do this, of course). Plus your inclusion of True, he'd never imagined needing or wanting something like this added a bittersweet note that struck me as realistic and in keeping with the canon, and provided a needful counterpoint to But the world sat on the brink of change.

(Hope I haven't been out of line with this comment; please let me know if you or anticyclone would prefer that I offered it privately and I will make it poof away!)