Hello! I hope these notes are helpful - initial impressions, though I've tried to concentrate on your specific questions as well. I chose this story because I'm relatively familiar with the MCU, though not comics.
Happy to discuss further anything about my reactions. Also cool with no further discussion.
Stupendous speed and stamina that puts most athletes to shame combined with lean hard muscles and curves in all the right places. - I like how this is already an unabashedly homoerotic appraisal.
the dangerous part is that he’s good at knowing when to strike and how to predict your opponents move
- typo, should be opponent's. I notice that this sentence is slightly different in your summary, and I feel like both versions are serviceable but maybe still possible to improve: "good at combat" is clear and simple, which are valuable aspects in a summary, but it's also vague. "how to predict your opponent's move" is more specific but I'm a little jarred by "your" - I realise that "How To Predict Your Opponent's Move" can be a general topic and not imply a specific you, but it still doesn't feel neutral to me when this paragraph has a third person narrator and a subject of observation - "an" would read smoother to me. Or "his". (Also: your summary has "sham" rather than shame. Intentional wordplay? A little unclear if so.)
His pulse needs Xanax - I feel like I don't quite get the metaphor there but it's striking enough that I enjoy it.
He barks, he sulks, he misplaces his reports, he drinks all the coffee and doesn’t refill the pot. - I love that. There's a slight sense of murder, arson, and jaywalking to it because not refilling the pot is fairly minor, among inconsiderate behaviors, but the way it's presented it makes sense as a barometer for his attitude. And the whole sentence is just nicely economical.
He’s too honorable to beat Tony up, but he’s making it clear that if they ever fought instead of sniping about what to order for dinner, Tony doesn’t stand a chance. - I'd say "wouldn't" rather than "doesnt'", to match fought and because I think the conditional "would" is more appropriate following "if".
because in his experience, he always ends up fighting those he... Well, his allies. - nicely gloomy Tony perspective there. And he's not wrong.
He’s learned all about those moans and its nuances - I think "their nuances" works better, because otherwise "its" doesn't have an antecedent to match up to in the rest of the sentence.
No, he can’t know, but Tony does and when his fist hits Rogers’ face again, he enjoys it.
- I really like the focusing simplicity of "he enjoys it".
And since you asked about flow - it's good! The ideas seem well-connected and the progression between them is clear. There are many of sentences where a strict style guide would suggest adding a comma, especially before a coordinating conjunction that introduces a new independent clause, but I wouldn't point them out as flaws here: I get a strong sense that your choices are deliberate and you're including or omitting them to shape the rhythm of the sentence.
How could he not enjoy the way his knuckles dig into the man’s soft cheek and push the flesh against Rogers’ teeth? - there's a great slo-mo sense to that, which feels fitting for an action that often is depicted in slo-mo on film.
Rogers’ head goes backward and lashes back - I'm not sure what you mean by "lashes back"..? He jerks his head back almost as quickly? The idea of a head "lashing" back doesn't work for me. Or do you mean his eyelashes go back? That seems a bit disconnected to me, and then you describe his eyes in a different way. Anyway, a bit lost here.
Tony watches how his knees hit the floor and… Fuck. Rogers’ cock is hard, hard enough that there’s a wet spot in his sweatpants, and that’s when Rogers looks down and makes a strangled noise. - I really like the way the narrative follows a plausible view here - I'm not quite sure how to put it, a plausible eye movement? The way you describe things in a sequence that plausibly fits with an order in which Tony's attention would be drawn to things.
Your frequent use of "the man" for Steve in the next segment made me go "hmm" - like, nothing wrong here, but it makes me wonder if you were trying to achieve a specific effect and I'm just not picking up on what it is. Or maybe it was entirely neutral and I'm looking for something that isn't there.
He could kill Tony with his bare hands and Tony is gonna make him crumble. - niiiice juxtaposition.
He brings them down until Rogers’ ass is proudly displayed. - I like how quickly this escalated - the semi-public setting, because I assume other people can use the sparring facility, adds extra tension for me.
‘We stop when I want it to stop.’ - again, great economy of phrasing, and I like that they haven't remotely talked about what's happening or will stop. But it's still an opportunity for Rogers to protest or negotiate.
Sometimes he hits the cheek and his hand bounces against it, so he hits it again right in the same spot so it’ll bruise. - I'm starting to feel a little sorry for Tony and his hands here, which is very slightly distracting.
So he pinches the skin right behind Rogers’ balls and at least now the guy’s biting into his lips. - nice escalation of action, nicely specific. Minor niggle: can he see Rogers' face, since Rogers is facing away from him into the wall?
His entire body is going to hurt the next morning, but gives a fuck when he’s spanking the hell out of Captain America? fair, and I like how that addresses my earlier distraction. (should that be 'who gives'?)
He could hurt him in so many ways and it’d heal, he’s sure of it. He’s seen how Rogers heals after battles, so he knows Tony could cut him, whip him, burn him and the man would heal. - The second sentence feels a little awkward to me, especially "he knows Tony", because that makes it seem like we've suddenly shifted to Steve's perspective. Is that intentional? And the final "the man" feels a little distancing after three "him"s in a row.
There are no limits here - I like how in this paragraph you keep it very clear that this is bad BDSM in normal circumstances, but Tony is paying attention that he's being appropriate in the situation. And, of course, doing so without interrupting the narrative too much. That's a thing I think you do well throughout - give us a sense of confidence in how Tony's interpreting the situation.
his lips curled up in a smile, and his eyes closing - Here I think I'd take the comma out after "smile", because having the comma makes it look like a list of three statements in which the first and last are in present tense and the middle one is in past tense. Without the comma, everything after "hit," is a description of what his face is doing in present tense.
Tony’s gonna be seeing this for months — Rogers’ open mouth and his nipples straining against his shirt and the way his face is covered in sweat. Tony did that. He got him to look that way. - Nice.
Tony didn’t expect this, none of this, but he especially didn't expect Rogers hands on top of Tony’s shoulders and Rogers coming all over Tony’s pants. - nice
And Tony can’t say it, because saying things makes them real, but he needs it too. - Excellent last line.
Back to some of your earlier questions:
You definitely could put more description and more choreography into the fight scene, but I don't think you really need to. I get a vague sense of them circling each other at the start, and that's all I really need. You don't precisely describe the feint that leads to the first punch connecting, but I don't think you need to. I pointed out one place where the choreography confused me.
You use epithets a little more than I personally would, especially 'the man'. That's always subjective, though.
Very minor niggle: You start the story with "Tony doesn’t know why he’s agreed to spar with Rogers…" and don't answer that question. Obviously, that's not what the story is about - he could have any number of reasons, and "Tony does a thing and tells himself he doesn't know why he did it" seems like solid characterisation to me. But it's still something I'd expect addressed sliiiightly more. I'm not sure what to suggest. I think I notice it more because of the summary. Since the summary reflects Tony's thoughts *before* he realises what's going on, I'm not sure it reflects the story as a whole: it's not a story about how Steve is good at fighting. Again, though, not sure what to suggest instead. And the tags are pretty clear.
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timeasmymeasure
You Look So Much Better When I Punch You - concrit
Date: 2020-09-06 02:44 am (UTC)Happy to discuss further anything about my reactions. Also cool with no further discussion.
Stupendous speed and stamina that puts most athletes to shame combined with lean hard muscles and curves in all the right places. - I like how this is already an unabashedly homoerotic appraisal.
the dangerous part is that he’s good at knowing when to strike and how to predict your opponents move
- typo, should be opponent's. I notice that this sentence is slightly different in your summary, and I feel like both versions are serviceable but maybe still possible to improve: "good at combat" is clear and simple, which are valuable aspects in a summary, but it's also vague. "how to predict your opponent's move" is more specific but I'm a little jarred by "your" - I realise that "How To Predict Your Opponent's Move" can be a general topic and not imply a specific you, but it still doesn't feel neutral to me when this paragraph has a third person narrator and a subject of observation - "an" would read smoother to me. Or "his". (Also: your summary has "sham" rather than shame. Intentional wordplay? A little unclear if so.)
His pulse needs Xanax - I feel like I don't quite get the metaphor there but it's striking enough that I enjoy it.
He barks, he sulks, he misplaces his reports, he drinks all the coffee and doesn’t refill the pot. - I love that. There's a slight sense of murder, arson, and jaywalking to it because not refilling the pot is fairly minor, among inconsiderate behaviors, but the way it's presented it makes sense as a barometer for his attitude. And the whole sentence is just nicely economical.
He’s too honorable to beat Tony up, but he’s making it clear that if they ever fought instead of sniping about what to order for dinner, Tony doesn’t stand a chance. - I'd say "wouldn't" rather than "doesnt'", to match fought and because I think the conditional "would" is more appropriate following "if".
because in his experience, he always ends up fighting those he... Well, his allies. - nicely gloomy Tony perspective there. And he's not wrong.
He’s learned all about those moans and its nuances - I think "their nuances" works better, because otherwise "its" doesn't have an antecedent to match up to in the rest of the sentence.
No, he can’t know, but Tony does and when his fist hits Rogers’ face again, he enjoys it.
- I really like the focusing simplicity of "he enjoys it".
And since you asked about flow - it's good! The ideas seem well-connected and the progression between them is clear. There are many of sentences where a strict style guide would suggest adding a comma, especially before a coordinating conjunction that introduces a new independent clause, but I wouldn't point them out as flaws here: I get a strong sense that your choices are deliberate and you're including or omitting them to shape the rhythm of the sentence.
How could he not enjoy the way his knuckles dig into the man’s soft cheek and push the flesh against Rogers’ teeth? - there's a great slo-mo sense to that, which feels fitting for an action that often is depicted in slo-mo on film.
Rogers’ head goes backward and lashes back - I'm not sure what you mean by "lashes back"..? He jerks his head back almost as quickly? The idea of a head "lashing" back doesn't work for me. Or do you mean his eyelashes go back? That seems a bit disconnected to me, and then you describe his eyes in a different way. Anyway, a bit lost here.
Tony watches how his knees hit the floor and… Fuck. Rogers’ cock is hard, hard enough that there’s a wet spot in his sweatpants, and that’s when Rogers looks down and makes a strangled noise. - I really like the way the narrative follows a plausible view here - I'm not quite sure how to put it, a plausible eye movement? The way you describe things in a sequence that plausibly fits with an order in which Tony's attention would be drawn to things.
Your frequent use of "the man" for Steve in the next segment made me go "hmm" - like, nothing wrong here, but it makes me wonder if you were trying to achieve a specific effect and I'm just not picking up on what it is. Or maybe it was entirely neutral and I'm looking for something that isn't there.
He could kill Tony with his bare hands and Tony is gonna make him crumble. - niiiice juxtaposition.
He brings them down until Rogers’ ass is proudly displayed. - I like how quickly this escalated - the semi-public setting, because I assume other people can use the sparring facility, adds extra tension for me.
‘We stop when I want it to stop.’ - again, great economy of phrasing, and I like that they haven't remotely talked about what's happening or will stop. But it's still an opportunity for Rogers to protest or negotiate.
Sometimes he hits the cheek and his hand bounces against it, so he hits it again right in the same spot so it’ll bruise. - I'm starting to feel a little sorry for Tony and his hands here, which is very slightly distracting.
So he pinches the skin right behind Rogers’ balls and at least now the guy’s biting into his lips. - nice escalation of action, nicely specific. Minor niggle: can he see Rogers' face, since Rogers is facing away from him into the wall?
His entire body is going to hurt the next morning, but gives a fuck when he’s spanking the hell out of Captain America? fair, and I like how that addresses my earlier distraction. (should that be 'who gives'?)
He could hurt him in so many ways and it’d heal, he’s sure of it. He’s seen how Rogers heals after battles, so he knows Tony could cut him, whip him, burn him and the man would heal. - The second sentence feels a little awkward to me, especially "he knows Tony", because that makes it seem like we've suddenly shifted to Steve's perspective. Is that intentional? And the final "the man" feels a little distancing after three "him"s in a row.
There are no limits here - I like how in this paragraph you keep it very clear that this is bad BDSM in normal circumstances, but Tony is paying attention that he's being appropriate in the situation. And, of course, doing so without interrupting the narrative too much. That's a thing I think you do well throughout - give us a sense of confidence in how Tony's interpreting the situation.
his lips curled up in a smile, and his eyes closing - Here I think I'd take the comma out after "smile", because having the comma makes it look like a list of three statements in which the first and last are in present tense and the middle one is in past tense. Without the comma, everything after "hit," is a description of what his face is doing in present tense.
Tony’s gonna be seeing this for months — Rogers’ open mouth and his nipples straining against his shirt and the way his face is covered in sweat. Tony did that. He got him to look that way. - Nice.
Tony didn’t expect this, none of this, but he especially didn't expect Rogers hands on top of Tony’s shoulders and Rogers coming all over Tony’s pants. - nice
And Tony can’t say it, because saying things makes them real, but he needs it too. - Excellent last line.
Back to some of your earlier questions:
You definitely could put more description and more choreography into the fight scene, but I don't think you really need to. I get a vague sense of them circling each other at the start, and that's all I really need. You don't precisely describe the feint that leads to the first punch connecting, but I don't think you need to. I pointed out one place where the choreography confused me.
You use epithets a little more than I personally would, especially 'the man'. That's always subjective, though.
Very minor niggle: You start the story with "Tony doesn’t know why he’s agreed to spar with Rogers…" and don't answer that question. Obviously, that's not what the story is about - he could have any number of reasons, and "Tony does a thing and tells himself he doesn't know why he did it" seems like solid characterisation to me. But it's still something I'd expect addressed sliiiightly more. I'm not sure what to suggest. I think I notice it more because of the summary. Since the summary reflects Tony's thoughts *before* he realises what's going on, I'm not sure it reflects the story as a whole: it's not a story about how Steve is good at fighting. Again, though, not sure what to suggest instead. And the tags are pretty clear.