ETA: I forgot to tell you which fic I was reviewing! Facepalm... I read Crash Site.
Overall I like June’s voice/the narrative voice. I’m not familiar with canon, but she sounds very much like a nurse and a mother, and you’ve avoided falling into the common fanfic trap of writing adult characters sounding younger than they should. I loved her describing the characters as she would in medical notes. I also loved your use of sentence fragments and cut-off sentences in June’s thoughts. There are, however, a few places where the narrative starts to sound a little strange and overly formal. Examples: “Surely it was a rock song, though the cadence stuttered and an atonal beep served where vocals should’ve been.”, [the ‘surely’ and the ‘served’ don’t strike me as fitting the rest of June’s narration] and the urban legend section midway through [‘it was still said’, ‘of late’.] I’m not sure I’m explaining this well, so please feel free to ask questions if what I’m trying to get at doesn’t make sense!
You’ve also done a great job with the slow reveal of just how odd Blake and Nakao are. (I don’t know canon, and I’m not sure which one is Breakdown and which one is Knock-Out, so I’ll just be using their aliases here.) I loved the dramatic irony of June and the other townspeople knowing they’re weird but not knowing what we know, exactly what they are. I also loved the banter between the two, and Blake’s frustration with human norms. I love the way you show their mindset towards cars, especially with this line: “He spoke as if the distinction between owner and car was an unfortunate technicality.” and the way you describe how odd their voices sound to human ears. (Such vivid descriptions! I loved them.)
I really enjoyed this fic! I wish I had a bit more meaty criticism to get into, hopefully what I said was helpful anyway! And please feel free to start up a conversation in the comments if there’s anything else you’d like to talk about.
![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2021-05-08 03:35 pm (UTC)Overall I like June’s voice/the narrative voice. I’m not familiar with canon, but she sounds very much like a nurse and a mother, and you’ve avoided falling into the common fanfic trap of writing adult characters sounding younger than they should. I loved her describing the characters as she would in medical notes. I also loved your use of sentence fragments and cut-off sentences in June’s thoughts. There are, however, a few places where the narrative starts to sound a little strange and overly formal. Examples: “Surely it was a rock song, though the cadence stuttered and an atonal beep served where vocals should’ve been.”, [the ‘surely’ and the ‘served’ don’t strike me as fitting the rest of June’s narration] and the urban legend section midway through [‘it was still said’, ‘of late’.] I’m not sure I’m explaining this well, so please feel free to ask questions if what I’m trying to get at doesn’t make sense!
You’ve also done a great job with the slow reveal of just how odd Blake and Nakao are. (I don’t know canon, and I’m not sure which one is Breakdown and which one is Knock-Out, so I’ll just be using their aliases here.) I loved the dramatic irony of June and the other townspeople knowing they’re weird but not knowing what we know, exactly what they are. I also loved the banter between the two, and Blake’s frustration with human norms. I love the way you show their mindset towards cars, especially with this line: “He spoke as if the distinction between owner and car was an unfortunate technicality.” and the way you describe how odd their voices sound to human ears. (Such vivid descriptions! I loved them.)
I really enjoyed this fic! I wish I had a bit more meaty criticism to get into, hopefully what I said was helpful anyway! And please feel free to start up a conversation in the comments if there’s anything else you’d like to talk about.