I typed this up in Word so I hope all of the HTML works.
Here Comes the First Day
It was a boy. That was what the sonographer had announced to them during the scan. Healthy and developing normally, too, but that part didn't matter so much to the estate executors.
Strong beginning!
His. Margot envied how easily Alana had transitioned to thinking of the baby as their son. Margot had made the mistake of getting attached too quickly the first time around, staring down at the plus sign on the pregnancy test in her shaking hands, thinking to herself, and a little child shall lead them. So much had changed since then, but still it seemed prudent to deal only in abstracts: an heir, a loophole, a way out.
I love this look into Margo’s thought process!
In the second panel of the scan, one tiny hand was raised, reaching out into the empty black. Margot pressed the tip of her finger against the photo, and it covered the hand completely. The sudden pang of...something that she felt surprised her. She wasn't sure if it was longing for what might have been or fear of what was yet to come. For so long she had dreamed of this, a Verger baby, a boy. But Mason had been a boy once, too. Or maybe he had only ever been a monster in the shape of a boy. This baby would be half Alana and half Mason, and Margot didn't know if that was better or worse than half herself and half Will Graham would have been. There was darkness to be found in each of them.
I love this look back on both Margo’s previous pregnancy and her history with Mason and all of his screwed-up… Mason-ness.
"Genetics," Margot said.
In the mirror, she watched as Alana's reflection frowned, brow furrowed. "Sometimes I think we've come to treat the human genome like an alternative to predestination for those who've outgrown Calvinism. It's easy to forget that nothing is set in stone."
Alana’s voice is perfect in this as well!
"I have so many scars from the worst thing that ever happened to me," Alana continued. "It might be nice to have one that's from the best." She turned to look at Margot then, smiling and beatific, and Margot was struck by the true scope of Alana's gift to her. That through the alchemy working within her, they could create not only an heir, but a family.
Awww. Another great line!
- Were there any points of confusion or questions you had? Any moments or details that took you out of the story?
No, everything was pretty clear!
- How is the pacing? Are there parts that drag? Parts that skip over too much or feel rushed? Nothing seemed like it was dragging at all, and everything seemed very contained in the time and place.
- Are character motivations clear? Do character responses seem realistic and do character arcs feel complete/satisfying? If you are familiar with the canon, are the characterizations/voices in-character?
I would have liked to see a little bit more about Margot and Mason. There’s that great line about how Mason had been a boy once too – but since they’re twins, I’m curious to see a little more of where they diverged. When did Margot notice something was off with him? And is that something she’s afraid of for her own son?
- Is the level of description appropriate? Are there places where you would like more/less description?
Description was solid!
- General flow and language use. Did you notice too much repetition of words, phrases, and/or sentence structure? Any recurrent or particularly distracting SPAG errors?
No errors as far as I could see.
- Any other comments, general impressions, or points of improvement
See above for commentary on a few lines I really liked! 😊
There is Nothing the Matter with the Stars
And Poe—well, officially Poe is "taking a season off," but at twenty-eight and staring down the very real possibility of a double hip replacement by thirty, he knows that all he's actually doing is delaying the inevitable. So yeah, he wants to get high.
Poor Poe! I love the quick way that the exposition is set up for this AU.
It makes him think of Junior Worlds in Rotterdam, when everyone had gone back to Snap’s hotel room after the closing banquet and huddled around Jess at the windowsill as she produced a contraband dime bag and a grinder. He can still picture the sticky-sweet smell of the smoke hanging in the air, the burn in his sinuses as he’d exhaled out his nose, all of them laughing and giddy with the rebelliousness of youth.
I love this flashback!
Poe takes another hit and holds it in as he presses himself along Finn's side. He cups the back of his neck and guides him forward. Finn catches on quickly and opens his mouth, letting Poe exhale into his lungs before turning it into a sloppy kiss. "Much better," he says with a grin.
This whole scene is so intimate. I love how you bring together all this imagery in so few words.
The first time he came over to Poe's apartment, Finn had looked at the assortment of records and laughed. "Why do you only have dad rock?" he’d asked, amused.
The truth was that the whole collection actually had belonged to Poe’s dad and he still couldn’t bring himself to part with any of it. He wasn’t ready yet to be left only with his memories of afternoons spent listening together, his father commenting on songs he thought would make good exhibition programs and telling Poe about the music his mom had skated to.
This is so endearing and bittersweet. Great detail.
"The first time I saw the video, I remember thinking that it looked like so much fun." Finn still has a hand on Poe’s arm, and he slides it down to intertwine their fingers as he settles back against Poe’s side. "I never got to have any say in my programs—not music, costumes, nothing—not until I came to skate here."
Finn still does this every once in a while, drops some depressing revelation about his childhood training with a horrifying nonchalance, like he thinks it's totally normal.
More great details in just a few lines of dialogue.
They have finally made it to the 7-Eleven, a shining fluorescent beacon among the snowdrifts and darkened strip malls, and now they're wandering along the aisles while a sullen teenage cashier watches from behind the register.
I love this detail!
There will be time later for the hard conversations about decisions to be made—rehab and retirement, figuring out what comes next. But tonight, they do not have to worry about the future. Tonight they can get high and eat ice cream and glide along the ice hand in hand, underneath a clear winter sky full of stars.
I love this ending. It brings everything together well.
- Were there any points of confusion or questions you had? Any moments or details that took you out of the story?
Everything was clear in this story and nothing threw me out of it.
- How is the pacing? Are there parts that drag? Parts that skip over too much or feel rushed?
I really enjoyed the tiny hints of flashbacks and kind of wanted a little more about their lives up until this moment. Also maybe a little more explanation about skating – is 28 really “over the hill” in the skating life?
- Are character motivations clear? Do character responses seem realistic and do character arcs feel complete/satisfying? If you are familiar with the canon, are the characterizations/voices in-character?
I have seen the Force Awakens but it was back when it was in theaters so it’s not super fresh in my mind, but they seemed in character to me.
- Is the level of description appropriate? Are there places where you would like more/less description?
This was good! Great imagery.
- General flow and language use. Did you notice too much repetition of words, phrases, and/or sentence structure? Any recurrent or particularly distracting SPAG errors?
I didn’t see any issues in this.
- Any other comments, general impressions, or points of improvement
I wanted to know a little bit more about both of their childhoods, as the details that were hinted at and included were really interesting.
Five Times Natasha Suspected She was Jewish
I know this was an older one, but I was drawn in and - for this one to quote all my favorite lines, I would have to quote the entire thing! Every single sentence had a “wham” factor.
- Were there any points of confusion or questions you had? Any moments or details that took you out of the story?
No, I felt that every detail was perfectly chosen here for maximum impact and there was nothing extraneous.
- How is the pacing? Are there parts that drag? Parts that skip over too much or feel rushed?
The pacing was really good – I loved the tiny glimpses culminating into a longer piece for the +1 and how the memories seemed to build with time as Natasha remembers more detail.
- Are character motivations clear? Do character responses seem realistic and do character arcs feel complete/satisfying? If you are familiar with the canon, are the characterizations/voices in-character?
Natasha’s motivation was clear throughout.
- Is the level of description appropriate? Are there places where you would like more/less description?
I mentioned this a little earlier, but I liked the way the detail built as the memories were more recent.
- General flow and language use. Did you notice too much repetition of words, phrases, and/or sentence structure? Any recurrent or particularly distracting SPAG errors?
No errors that I noticed.
- Any other comments, general impressions, or points of improvement
This was great! I really have no criticism for this one.
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2021-05-07 03:35 pm (UTC)I typed this up in Word so I hope all of the HTML works.
Here Comes the First Day
It was a boy. That was what the sonographer had announced to them during the scan. Healthy and developing normally, too, but that part didn't matter so much to the estate executors.
Strong beginning!
His. Margot envied how easily Alana had transitioned to thinking of the baby as their son. Margot had made the mistake of getting attached too quickly the first time around, staring down at the plus sign on the pregnancy test in her shaking hands, thinking to herself, and a little child shall lead them. So much had changed since then, but still it seemed prudent to deal only in abstracts: an heir, a loophole, a way out.
I love this look into Margo’s thought process!
In the second panel of the scan, one tiny hand was raised, reaching out into the empty black. Margot pressed the tip of her finger against the photo, and it covered the hand completely. The sudden pang of...something that she felt surprised her. She wasn't sure if it was longing for what might have been or fear of what was yet to come. For so long she had dreamed of this, a Verger baby, a boy. But Mason had been a boy once, too. Or maybe he had only ever been a monster in the shape of a boy. This baby would be half Alana and half Mason, and Margot didn't know if that was better or worse than half herself and half Will Graham would have been. There was darkness to be found in each of them.
I love this look back on both Margo’s previous pregnancy and her history with Mason and all of his screwed-up… Mason-ness.
"Genetics," Margot said.
In the mirror, she watched as Alana's reflection frowned, brow furrowed. "Sometimes I think we've come to treat the human genome like an alternative to predestination for those who've outgrown Calvinism. It's easy to forget that nothing is set in stone."
Alana’s voice is perfect in this as well!
"I have so many scars from the worst thing that ever happened to me," Alana continued. "It might be nice to have one that's from the best." She turned to look at Margot then, smiling and beatific, and Margot was struck by the true scope of Alana's gift to her. That through the alchemy working within her, they could create not only an heir, but a family.
Awww. Another great line!
- Were there any points of confusion or questions you had? Any moments or details that took you out of the story?
No, everything was pretty clear!
- How is the pacing? Are there parts that drag? Parts that skip over too much or feel rushed?
Nothing seemed like it was dragging at all, and everything seemed very contained in the time and place.
- Are character motivations clear? Do character responses seem realistic and do character arcs feel complete/satisfying? If you are familiar with the canon, are the characterizations/voices in-character?
I would have liked to see a little bit more about Margot and Mason. There’s that great line about how Mason had been a boy once too – but since they’re twins, I’m curious to see a little more of where they diverged. When did Margot notice something was off with him? And is that something she’s afraid of for her own son?
- Is the level of description appropriate? Are there places where you would like more/less description?
Description was solid!
- General flow and language use. Did you notice too much repetition of words, phrases, and/or sentence structure? Any recurrent or particularly distracting SPAG errors?
No errors as far as I could see.
- Any other comments, general impressions, or points of improvement
See above for commentary on a few lines I really liked! 😊
There is Nothing the Matter with the Stars
And Poe—well, officially Poe is "taking a season off," but at twenty-eight and staring down the very real possibility of a double hip replacement by thirty, he knows that all he's actually doing is delaying the inevitable.
So yeah, he wants to get high.
Poor Poe! I love the quick way that the exposition is set up for this AU.
It makes him think of Junior Worlds in Rotterdam, when everyone had gone back to Snap’s hotel room after the closing banquet and huddled around Jess at the windowsill as she produced a contraband dime bag and a grinder. He can still picture the sticky-sweet smell of the smoke hanging in the air, the burn in his sinuses as he’d exhaled out his nose, all of them laughing and giddy with the rebelliousness of youth.
I love this flashback!
Poe takes another hit and holds it in as he presses himself along Finn's side. He cups the back of his neck and guides him forward. Finn catches on quickly and opens his mouth, letting Poe exhale into his lungs before turning it into a sloppy kiss. "Much better," he says with a grin.
This whole scene is so intimate. I love how you bring together all this imagery in so few words.
The first time he came over to Poe's apartment, Finn had looked at the assortment of records and laughed. "Why do you only have dad rock?" he’d asked, amused.
The truth was that the whole collection actually had belonged to Poe’s dad and he still couldn’t bring himself to part with any of it. He wasn’t ready yet to be left only with his memories of afternoons spent listening together, his father commenting on songs he thought would make good exhibition programs and telling Poe about the music his mom had skated to.
This is so endearing and bittersweet. Great detail.
"The first time I saw the video, I remember thinking that it looked like so much fun." Finn still has a hand on Poe’s arm, and he slides it down to intertwine their fingers as he settles back against Poe’s side. "I never got to have any say in my programs—not music, costumes, nothing—not until I came to skate here."
Finn still does this every once in a while, drops some depressing revelation about his childhood training with a horrifying nonchalance, like he thinks it's totally normal.
More great details in just a few lines of dialogue.
They have finally made it to the 7-Eleven, a shining fluorescent beacon among the snowdrifts and darkened strip malls, and now they're wandering along the aisles while a sullen teenage cashier watches from behind the register.
I love this detail!
There will be time later for the hard conversations about decisions to be made—rehab and retirement, figuring out what comes next. But tonight, they do not have to worry about the future. Tonight they can get high and eat ice cream and glide along the ice hand in hand, underneath a clear winter sky full of stars.
I love this ending. It brings everything together well.
- Were there any points of confusion or questions you had? Any moments or details that took you out of the story?
Everything was clear in this story and nothing threw me out of it.
- How is the pacing? Are there parts that drag? Parts that skip over too much or feel rushed?
I really enjoyed the tiny hints of flashbacks and kind of wanted a little more about their lives up until this moment. Also maybe a little more explanation about skating – is 28 really “over the hill” in the skating life?
- Are character motivations clear? Do character responses seem realistic and do character arcs feel complete/satisfying? If you are familiar with the canon, are the characterizations/voices in-character?
I have seen the Force Awakens but it was back when it was in theaters so it’s not super fresh in my mind, but they seemed in character to me.
- Is the level of description appropriate? Are there places where you would like more/less description?
This was good! Great imagery.
- General flow and language use. Did you notice too much repetition of words, phrases, and/or sentence structure? Any recurrent or particularly distracting SPAG errors?
I didn’t see any issues in this.
- Any other comments, general impressions, or points of improvement
I wanted to know a little bit more about both of their childhoods, as the details that were hinted at and included were really interesting.
Five Times Natasha Suspected She was Jewish
I know this was an older one, but I was drawn in and - for this one to quote all my favorite lines, I would have to quote the entire thing! Every single sentence had a “wham” factor.
- Were there any points of confusion or questions you had? Any moments or details that took you out of the story?
No, I felt that every detail was perfectly chosen here for maximum impact and there was nothing extraneous.
- How is the pacing? Are there parts that drag? Parts that skip over too much or feel rushed?
The pacing was really good – I loved the tiny glimpses culminating into a longer piece for the +1 and how the memories seemed to build with time as Natasha remembers more detail.
- Are character motivations clear? Do character responses seem realistic and do character arcs feel complete/satisfying? If you are familiar with the canon, are the characterizations/voices in-character?
Natasha’s motivation was clear throughout.
- Is the level of description appropriate? Are there places where you would like more/less description?
I mentioned this a little earlier, but I liked the way the detail built as the memories were more recent.
- General flow and language use. Did you notice too much repetition of words, phrases, and/or sentence structure? Any recurrent or particularly distracting SPAG errors?
No errors that I noticed.
- Any other comments, general impressions, or points of improvement
This was great! I really have no criticism for this one.