So, first I’d like to clarify my knowledge of MDSZ/The Untamed is pure osmosis and helping friends develop sprawling AUs. I’m not quite canon blind but I still haven’t watched the canon. So my critique is going to skip how-it-works-with-canon.
Based on what I knew and your tags/title/summary, I assumed it’d be a dark exploration of the fucked-up canon situation, probably with a sensual or sexual bent. And I think I pretty much got it right, so good job there. It was not predictable — there were still twists and turns in the story —, just well-advertised.
By osmosis only, I did get the sense of unease and manipulation in the character dynamics. It’s very clear the POV character is in denial about something or at least missing something; it’s also clear this ‘stranger’ is not what he seems. Every time they talk, you can tell there is some manipulation going on despite the POV character’s dismissal of that possibility.
Like here, for example:
“Fine, I’ll ask you what you want if you won’t say,” the stranger says, with a peculiar impatience. “Do you want me to scratch you? Or would that be an affront to your giant dignity?” Xingchen swallows. “I would like you to scratch me.”
The mention of the impatience makes it clear this is not playfully insulting, but something darker.
Or here
“Lazy,” the stranger scolds as Xingchen begins to retire for a nap. Xingchen feels guilt stop him in his tracks. Could he stay awake another hour? Should he help with the groceries or the laundry? Can he do more?
Where Xingchen’s reaction makes what could be a friendly jab into a far nastier one. It’s also a startling sense of how much Xingchen has changed since the beginning due to the stranger.
This sense of murky unease underneath their interactions was a very effective emotional throughline. Your prose fit this very well because the tone was ever-so-slightly detached and not overtly emotional.
The plot is understandable with osmosis, although if I were canon-blind I’m sure I’d get that I was missing something but not know exactly what, because the tone conveys that. It’s intriguing and suspenseful; it builds a sense of dread, enough that the ending registers as ominous. The mentions of dreams also add to the surreal, slippery reality of it.
What I would have liked a bit more of is sensory detail — the physicality was dimmed and I think more focus on taste/smell (specific words and sensations) would have enhanced the character dynamics and make some scenes stand out more.
For example, this is a very good moment
They repeat syllables so sibilant that they disappear like smoke before Xingchen can shape them into words.
Because it’s so specific and the imagery reinforces the themes of the fic. So I would have liked to see more of that.
My favorite line in the fic is
When they are out of his mouth, Xingchen, gasping, asks for what he wants.
Because it conveys so much. It’s sparse, it’s very visual, and it’s tremendously clear. I think that other of the ending lines could have trimmed a bit to hem closer to this, make them sharper. For example It is clear to him that Yi City needs help; it needs him, and A-Qing, and the stranger. So Xingchen leaves his bed behind. Nothing will get done while he’s asleep, and Yi City needs to be saved, just like the stranger said. maybe could’ve ended in ‘leaves his bed behind’. But that’s more of a matter of taste! I hope this was helpful to you! I really enjoyed reading your fic.
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timeasmymeasure
Concrit for: if you want to get me addicted (you have my permission)
Date: 2021-05-09 07:03 am (UTC)Based on what I knew and your tags/title/summary, I assumed it’d be a dark exploration of the fucked-up canon situation, probably with a sensual or sexual bent. And I think I pretty much got it right, so good job there. It was not predictable — there were still twists and turns in the story —, just well-advertised.
By osmosis only, I did get the sense of unease and manipulation in the character dynamics. It’s very clear the POV character is in denial about something or at least missing something; it’s also clear this ‘stranger’ is not what he seems. Every time they talk, you can tell there is some manipulation going on despite the POV character’s dismissal of that possibility.
Like here, for example:
“Fine, I’ll ask you what you want if you won’t say,” the stranger says, with a peculiar impatience. “Do you want me to scratch you? Or would that be an affront to your giant dignity?”
Xingchen swallows. “I would like you to scratch me.”
The mention of the impatience makes it clear this is not playfully insulting, but something darker.
Or here
“Lazy,” the stranger scolds as Xingchen begins to retire for a nap. Xingchen feels guilt stop him in his tracks. Could he stay awake another hour? Should he help with the groceries or the laundry? Can he do more?
Where Xingchen’s reaction makes what could be a friendly jab into a far nastier one. It’s also a startling sense of how much Xingchen has changed since the beginning due to the stranger.
This sense of murky unease underneath their interactions was a very effective emotional throughline. Your prose fit this very well because the tone was ever-so-slightly detached and not overtly emotional.
The plot is understandable with osmosis, although if I were canon-blind I’m sure I’d get that I was missing something but not know exactly what, because the tone conveys that. It’s intriguing and suspenseful; it builds a sense of dread, enough that the ending registers as ominous. The mentions of dreams also add to the surreal, slippery reality of it.
What I would have liked a bit more of is sensory detail — the physicality was dimmed and I think more focus on taste/smell (specific words and sensations) would have enhanced the character dynamics and make some scenes stand out more.
For example, this is a very good moment
They repeat syllables so sibilant that they disappear like smoke before Xingchen can shape them into words.
Because it’s so specific and the imagery reinforces the themes of the fic. So I would have liked to see more of that.
My favorite line in the fic is
When they are out of his mouth, Xingchen, gasping, asks for what he wants.
Because it conveys so much. It’s sparse, it’s very visual, and it’s tremendously clear. I think that other of the ending lines could have trimmed a bit to hem closer to this, make them sharper. For example It is clear to him that Yi City needs help; it needs him, and A-Qing, and the stranger.
So Xingchen leaves his bed behind. Nothing will get done while he’s asleep, and Yi City needs to be saved, just like the stranger said. maybe could’ve ended in ‘leaves his bed behind’. But that’s more of a matter of taste!
I hope this was helpful to you! I really enjoyed reading your fic.