Hello! I hope the following thoughts on real hurt to give this real worth are of interest.
I'm getting a lot of interesting clues about the characters' dynamics immediately. Kio's opening dialogue covers topics I'd expect to have already have been covered - especially since you tagged this as a consensual scene. So it feels very much about what Kio needs to say rather than what Soubi needs to hear, and But he thinks that, maybe, he can give Soubi something he wants without being cruel reinforces that: my guess is that Soubi is a lot more okay with cruelty than Kio is, or that Kio is uncomfortable with a level of cruelty Soubi accepts. And that idea of what he wants to give Soubi - while the reader is still figuring out exactly what that is - sets up a lot of tension that you maintain throughout.
But only for a moment. “I want you to dominate me.” - I really like the pacing there. A beat of uncertainty then resolution.
closing his eyes to drink it in, nuzzling into Kio’s hand when it shifts to cup his cheek. Gentle, needy. Submissive, but not like how he submitted to Seimei. There’s something hopeful there, something Kio desperately wants to draw out and nurture. - and here again what I'm noticing is the ratio of actions and visible signs to the amount of interpretation Kio puts on them. Kio could be completely right! But he's putting a lot of weight on what feels like not a lot of indicators, and as a reader I don't quite trust his impressions yet.
so close his lips write the words against Kio’s skin - very pretty
and the last lingering doubts - the nagging worries that something soft and sweet isn’t really what Soubi wants at all - melt away. - efficient delivery of information, seeding more doubts in the reader's mind even as you take us through the progression of Kio's thoughts. Happy also seems like a lofty goal.
Judging by the sigh that escapes Soubi’s lips, brushes over Kio’s wrist, Soubi isn’t too keen on moving. - I like this a lot: I feel like we don't have enough context to interpret this as "Soubi is comfortable where he was, or being pushed usefully out of his comfort zone" or "this is a slightly discordant note where their desires are still compatible but not completely in synch", and the very mild, low-stakes ambiguity is very useful.
Soubi’s in the wrong bed if he wants the super-serious kind of Dom. Kio always gets the giggles when he tries to pull that off. - This is such a novelty for me! I'm charmed.
The description of the kink mostly made sense to me. I am not remotely familiar with needleplay, so although I had a guess about what was meant by hubs, I had to google to confirm.
I was surprised by how quickly you progress through the part of the fic that involves placing the needles. It's easy to imagine they'd discussed some of this before the scene starts, like 'I'm going to put needles in your thighs, it's a safe place to start,' but the transition from Kio saying gentle things & wishing he could say more gentle things, to literally sticking needles in Soubi with no further words - that took me slightly aback. Again, I am not an informed reader of this kind of kink, but for whatever reason I would have expected something like Kio talking through placing the first needle, saying that he was going to place the second, something like that? Or at least a verbal transition to placing the first needle.
The relaxes into the bright spark of pain description matches a lot of my transitions-in-a-kink-scene expectations, because you're showing us a Kio who's very much checking in with Soubi's reaction. But as I'm trying to visualize everything through the first five needles, it's all very quiet. There also seems potential scope to talk a little more about the artistry Kio mentioned being so proud of, in his placement and the patterns he's making, that sort of thing. Like, this is great:
The little moans and sighs Soubi offers him as he continues are all the sweeter for how stoic Soubi usually is, and Kio seeks out more of them, gently tapping on the needles’ hubs so they shift under Soubi’s skin.
- I like the ongoing thread of Soubi reacting, I like the specific description of tapping on the needles, I like the sense that Kio is satisfied and immersed in what he's doing - but I'm expecting a little more like this? Partly for the purpose of luxuriating in the kink, and partly so that there's a harder crash when we get to the stark indications that actually all is NOT well.
As gruesome as Soubi’s scars are they’re just that
-I would expect a comma after "are" - those six words set up a context for the following words, and "they're" starts a new clause
He’s in such a vulnerable position, relying on Kio, trusting him, and Kio can’t even begin to figure out how to help. - This is a bit picky but, to me, the complex grammar of "Kio can’t even begin to figure out how to help" amd the reflection "it's a horrible feeling" are indications that Kio has skipped a step in horrified reaction and has gone too quickly to analysing his own thoughts. I don't know how clearly I'm putting this, but it feels a little too clear/distant/logical to me, along with the immediate alarm you're also telling us he's feeling.
“By the way, if you hurt me, I’m going to spontaneously start bleeding” - another very minor niggle but I think italics would be a clearer formatting aide - I got halfway through the section in quotes before figuring out this was Kio representing hypothetical dialogue rather than Soubi speaking. The reader's going to figure out what's what pretty quickly, but any time you can avoid making them backtrack, I think that's good.
Not that anything about this situation is reasonable! - That feels like a nice echo of the excited-to-show-off-needles Kio of earlier - obviously, in a different mood, but it feels like a callback to that speech cadence.
Usually it would - I probably shouldn't allow myself so many minor niggles in a row, but although your meaning is pretty clear, I would personally say "It should be a triumph" instead. You implied this is the first time they're doing this and he hasn't had a chance before, so "usually" only works if the reader fills in some extra caveats.
bats Kio’s hand away when he tries to start putting bandages on the needle wounds - I like how this works in the previous context of the kind of affection he so often rebukes - because you gave us that, it's easy to see what's happening now.
Kio pulls a blanket around Soubi’s shoulders, and pushes a bottle of water into his hands. - and there's a sense there that's he's performing aftercare for Seimei's scenes, not his own. Nice.
But, Kio thinks, Soubi’s not the one who should be sorry. - and that feels misplaced, but it also makes emotional sense to me: Kio's overtures and his expected actions in providing aftercare for his planned scene have been rejected, and his role of being responsible for Soubi's experience has come to an abrupt stop, so of course he's looking for something else to be responsible for. And he was predisposed to take that attitude anyway.
So yeah, I enjoyed that. Soubi is not particularly communicative, but you still convey the sense of complex emotions carrying on under his surface. There's a very palpable tension throughout. I personally would have liked to spend more time in the section where the kink was briefly going well - partly because if you're going to write in a particular kink, why not? and partly to make it worse when everything goes to hell - but I don't know if that suits exactly what you were aiming for.
Also, I really like the title. Nice themes threatening that someone may have zero worth without suffering... or that suffering may provide necessary identity...
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timeasmymeasure
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Date: 2022-07-26 11:12 am (UTC)I'm getting a lot of interesting clues about the characters' dynamics immediately. Kio's opening dialogue covers topics I'd expect to have already have been covered - especially since you tagged this as a consensual scene. So it feels very much about what Kio needs to say rather than what Soubi needs to hear, and But he thinks that, maybe, he can give Soubi something he wants without being cruel reinforces that: my guess is that Soubi is a lot more okay with cruelty than Kio is, or that Kio is uncomfortable with a level of cruelty Soubi accepts. And that idea of what he wants to give Soubi - while the reader is still figuring out exactly what that is - sets up a lot of tension that you maintain throughout.
But only for a moment.
“I want you to dominate me.” - I really like the pacing there. A beat of uncertainty then resolution.
closing his eyes to drink it in, nuzzling into Kio’s hand when it shifts to cup his cheek. Gentle, needy. Submissive, but not like how he submitted to Seimei. There’s something hopeful there, something Kio desperately wants to draw out and nurture. - and here again what I'm noticing is the ratio of actions and visible signs to the amount of interpretation Kio puts on them. Kio could be completely right! But he's putting a lot of weight on what feels like not a lot of indicators, and as a reader I don't quite trust his impressions yet.
so close his lips write the words against Kio’s skin - very pretty
and the last lingering doubts - the nagging worries that something soft and sweet isn’t really what Soubi wants at all - melt away. - efficient delivery of information, seeding more doubts in the reader's mind even as you take us through the progression of Kio's thoughts. Happy also seems like a lofty goal.
Judging by the sigh that escapes Soubi’s lips, brushes over Kio’s wrist, Soubi isn’t too keen on moving. - I like this a lot: I feel like we don't have enough context to interpret this as "Soubi is comfortable where he was, or being pushed usefully out of his comfort zone" or "this is a slightly discordant note where their desires are still compatible but not completely in synch", and the very mild, low-stakes ambiguity is very useful.
Soubi’s in the wrong bed if he wants the super-serious kind of Dom. Kio always gets the giggles when he tries to pull that off. - This is such a novelty for me! I'm charmed.
The description of the kink mostly made sense to me. I am not remotely familiar with needleplay, so although I had a guess about what was meant by hubs, I had to google to confirm.
I was surprised by how quickly you progress through the part of the fic that involves placing the needles. It's easy to imagine they'd discussed some of this before the scene starts, like 'I'm going to put needles in your thighs, it's a safe place to start,' but the transition from Kio saying gentle things & wishing he could say more gentle things, to literally sticking needles in Soubi with no further words - that took me slightly aback. Again, I am not an informed reader of this kind of kink, but for whatever reason I would have expected something like Kio talking through placing the first needle, saying that he was going to place the second, something like that? Or at least a verbal transition to placing the first needle.
The relaxes into the bright spark of pain description matches a lot of my transitions-in-a-kink-scene expectations, because you're showing us a Kio who's very much checking in with Soubi's reaction. But as I'm trying to visualize everything through the first five needles, it's all very quiet. There also seems potential scope to talk a little more about the artistry Kio mentioned being so proud of, in his placement and the patterns he's making, that sort of thing. Like, this is great:
The little moans and sighs Soubi offers him as he continues are all the sweeter for how stoic Soubi usually is, and Kio seeks out more of them, gently tapping on the needles’ hubs so they shift under Soubi’s skin.
- I like the ongoing thread of Soubi reacting, I like the specific description of tapping on the needles, I like the sense that Kio is satisfied and immersed in what he's doing - but I'm expecting a little more like this? Partly for the purpose of luxuriating in the kink, and partly so that there's a harder crash when we get to the stark indications that actually all is NOT well.
As gruesome as Soubi’s scars are they’re just that
-I would expect a comma after "are" - those six words set up a context for the following words, and "they're" starts a new clause
He’s in such a vulnerable position, relying on Kio, trusting him, and Kio can’t even begin to figure out how to help. - This is a bit picky but, to me, the complex grammar of "Kio can’t even begin to figure out how to help" amd the reflection "it's a horrible feeling" are indications that Kio has skipped a step in horrified reaction and has gone too quickly to analysing his own thoughts. I don't know how clearly I'm putting this, but it feels a little too clear/distant/logical to me, along with the immediate alarm you're also telling us he's feeling.
“By the way, if you hurt me, I’m going to spontaneously start bleeding” - another very minor niggle but I think italics would be a clearer formatting aide - I got halfway through the section in quotes before figuring out this was Kio representing hypothetical dialogue rather than Soubi speaking. The reader's going to figure out what's what pretty quickly, but any time you can avoid making them backtrack, I think that's good.
Not that anything about this situation is reasonable! - That feels like a nice echo of the excited-to-show-off-needles Kio of earlier - obviously, in a different mood, but it feels like a callback to that speech cadence.
Usually it would - I probably shouldn't allow myself so many minor niggles in a row, but although your meaning is pretty clear, I would personally say "It should be a triumph" instead. You implied this is the first time they're doing this and he hasn't had a chance before, so "usually" only works if the reader fills in some extra caveats.
bats Kio’s hand away when he tries to start putting bandages on the needle wounds - I like how this works in the previous context of the kind of affection he so often rebukes - because you gave us that, it's easy to see what's happening now.
Kio pulls a blanket around Soubi’s shoulders, and pushes a bottle of water into his hands. - and there's a sense there that's he's performing aftercare for Seimei's scenes, not his own. Nice.
But, Kio thinks, Soubi’s not the one who should be sorry. - and that feels misplaced, but it also makes emotional sense to me: Kio's overtures and his expected actions in providing aftercare for his planned scene have been rejected, and his role of being responsible for Soubi's experience has come to an abrupt stop, so of course he's looking for something else to be responsible for. And he was predisposed to take that attitude anyway.
So yeah, I enjoyed that. Soubi is not particularly communicative, but you still convey the sense of complex emotions carrying on under his surface. There's a very palpable tension throughout. I personally would have liked to spend more time in the section where the kink was briefly going well - partly because if you're going to write in a particular kink, why not? and partly to make it worse when everything goes to hell - but I don't know if that suits exactly what you were aiming for.
Also, I really like the title. Nice themes threatening that someone may have zero worth without suffering... or that suffering may provide necessary identity...