Okay, you did tag "Every bad trope about The Natives because this is Pulp Adventure" so it's not like it's not warned for, but, is what's here really necessary? You've got strangers being dumped on people who are struggling to survive, and who seem to have given them good food and kept providing it to them. That's a perfectly fine setup for a situation where the people thought it was pretty obvious that accepting this much meant you would pay it back somehow. You could still treat them a bit more like real people without sacrificing the plot beat.
[That list struck Virdon as strangely familiar. It almost sounded like symptoms of radiation sickness. „And do you also get burns when you hold these stones?" he asked casually.]
I like the stories - the tribe's mostly been just confusing and refusing to explain things so far, but this is both a good way to establish they have information about the world but it's something you'd been to puzzle out, and that something's happened that's led to large amounts of radioactivity on the surface in at least one location, and that he describes it as something that happened to his group in particular instead of some group somewhere makes it sound like there's probably a lot of these around.
[„The Dreaming Man said that another star-bird fell out of the sky when I was a baby," Iro said absent-mindedly. „But the fur-men took the sky-men away then."]
Ah, and so not just time travel, but the next ship, in the future after Virdon's ship's accident, will arrive here before his does. That's neat.
[„You said you would show me magic," Iro complained. „This is just... work." Virdon smiled. „Magic is in knowing things others don't, Iro, and having skills that others don't have. Things are only miraculous if you don't know that they were possible."]
Yeah, it's a bit weird that mysterious sky strangers constructing unknown things that do stuff none of them can do isn't counting as magic when that's so common in stories about gods gifting people new things.
[That weasely guy Ahta had put it into his head that Ehpah was destined to be his girlfriend. Didn't matter that Ehpah wouldn't touch him with a ten foot pole, the weasel was determined to drag her into his lair. And his chances hadn't been bad before Burke had turned up - apparently, he was the tribe's best hunter; Burke could abstractly understand a father's preference for a son-in-law who knew how to put food on the table. It didn't change his emotions regarding the guy one bit. And yeah, ever since she had laid eyes on him, Ehpah had made it abundantly clear that she had chosen Burke. Sometimes he wondered if he wasn't just a tool to discourage Ahta as much as possible, but hey, so what if he was? As far as he was concerned, Ehpah was free to use him however she saw fit...]
Okay, so I do appreciate there's at least some sign of her having any internal life, but... This is still entirely revolving around the most flattering option for Burke. Not only is it with the guy he already hated for other reasons, but it's a simple matter of getting picked as definitely better. Ehpah could've been hanging out with him to discourage Ahta without actually wanting to be his girlfriend either, or she could even have been trying to get Ahta's attention because she felt Ahta was taking it for granted. Or she could've been trying to use him in the hopes she'd get access to some of the sky magic, especially given this is a deeply misogynstic society at every turn and she might be desperate to try to get additional power by any means. And even if she's "chosen" to be Burke's girlfriend, it's really not clear if that means she wants him or if she just hates the idea of being with him slightly less than the rest of her options, but Burke doesn't seem concerned with that.
[Burke studied the knife in his hand. The repeated knapping had eaten up most of the blade, and he couldn't hope to win another one from the hunters; he hadn't lost often enough at gambling for that and now they refused to let him participate.]
I guess without knowing what the game is it's hard to know, but it seems really weird Burke would be schooling people at whatever game they've played their whole lives, especially when he shouldn't have had the resources to gamble much in the first place and learn. (Plus if they play at night, he'd have trouble even following the details.) I'd think the problem would be the opposite - he's been playing but hasn't gotten lucky enough for another knife, and doesn't think he'll manage any time soon. Or they've just refused to let him participate after the escape attempt. Or it could've been a game he taught them, which would explain why he managed such a big win as a knife early on but why people won't keep playing it.
[„Move!" Goddammit, woman, „Don't talk, he not listen!" The finer points of the foreign language were leaving him.]
Burke really has not grown on me. I'm guessing he's like this in the original, but, if you're going this hard on pulp with all the problematicness, maybe warn for all the rest of it in the same way you did the native stuff?
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timeasmymeasure
Marooned On The Planet Of The Apes Ch6
Date: 2022-07-09 01:18 pm (UTC)[That list struck Virdon as strangely familiar. It almost sounded like symptoms of radiation sickness. „And do you also get burns when you hold these stones?" he asked casually.]
I like the stories - the tribe's mostly been just confusing and refusing to explain things so far, but this is both a good way to establish they have information about the world but it's something you'd been to puzzle out, and that something's happened that's led to large amounts of radioactivity on the surface in at least one location, and that he describes it as something that happened to his group in particular instead of some group somewhere makes it sound like there's probably a lot of these around.
[„The Dreaming Man said that another star-bird fell out of the sky when I was a baby," Iro said absent-mindedly. „But the fur-men took the sky-men away then."]
Ah, and so not just time travel, but the next ship, in the future after Virdon's ship's accident, will arrive here before his does. That's neat.
[„You said you would show me magic," Iro complained. „This is just... work."
Virdon smiled. „Magic is in knowing things others don't, Iro, and having skills that others don't have. Things are only miraculous if you don't know that they were possible."]
Yeah, it's a bit weird that mysterious sky strangers constructing unknown things that do stuff none of them can do isn't counting as magic when that's so common in stories about gods gifting people new things.
[That weasely guy Ahta had put it into his head that Ehpah was destined to be his girlfriend. Didn't matter that Ehpah wouldn't touch him with a ten foot pole, the weasel was determined to drag her into his lair. And his chances hadn't been bad before Burke had turned up - apparently, he was the tribe's best hunter; Burke could abstractly understand a father's preference for a son-in-law who knew how to put food on the table. It didn't change his emotions regarding the guy one bit.
And yeah, ever since she had laid eyes on him, Ehpah had made it abundantly clear that she had chosen Burke. Sometimes he wondered if he wasn't just a tool to discourage Ahta as much as possible, but hey, so what if he was? As far as he was concerned, Ehpah was free to use him however she saw fit...]
Okay, so I do appreciate there's at least some sign of her having any internal life, but... This is still entirely revolving around the most flattering option for Burke. Not only is it with the guy he already hated for other reasons, but it's a simple matter of getting picked as definitely better. Ehpah could've been hanging out with him to discourage Ahta without actually wanting to be his girlfriend either, or she could even have been trying to get Ahta's attention because she felt Ahta was taking it for granted. Or she could've been trying to use him in the hopes she'd get access to some of the sky magic, especially given this is a deeply misogynstic society at every turn and she might be desperate to try to get additional power by any means. And even if she's "chosen" to be Burke's girlfriend, it's really not clear if that means she wants him or if she just hates the idea of being with him slightly less than the rest of her options, but Burke doesn't seem concerned with that.
[Burke studied the knife in his hand. The repeated knapping had eaten up most of the blade, and he couldn't hope to win another one from the hunters; he hadn't lost often enough at gambling for that and now they refused to let him participate.]
I guess without knowing what the game is it's hard to know, but it seems really weird Burke would be schooling people at whatever game they've played their whole lives, especially when he shouldn't have had the resources to gamble much in the first place and learn. (Plus if they play at night, he'd have trouble even following the details.) I'd think the problem would be the opposite - he's been playing but hasn't gotten lucky enough for another knife, and doesn't think he'll manage any time soon. Or they've just refused to let him participate after the escape attempt. Or it could've been a game he taught them, which would explain why he managed such a big win as a knife early on but why people won't keep playing it.
[„Move!" Goddammit, woman, „Don't talk, he not listen!" The finer points of the foreign language were leaving him.]
Burke really has not grown on me. I'm guessing he's like this in the original, but, if you're going this hard on pulp with all the problematicness, maybe warn for all the rest of it in the same way you did the native stuff?