Hello! Here is line-by-line concrit for Trailblazers. For context, I have seen Simoun, but it was about a decade ago, and my memory of it is a bit fuzzy.
“You’re tired from the day, the fatigue makes you more sensitive to cold.”
This is a comma splice. Either change the comma to a period and break it into two sentences, or add an "and" or a "so" between the comma and "the fatigue".
Curious eyes lifted to meet hers, but Rimone didn’t comment, only thanked her.
A bit awkwardly phrased. I got tripped up wondering whose eyes were lifting to meet whose before deciding that Rimone must be looking up at Dominura, because there's no way I can picture this scene where Dominura is the one positioned lower down. So I guess Rimone is curious about why Dominura is being so nice to her, but just thanks her instead of commenting on the level of niceness being unusual?
“Come in,” Dominura said.
Rimone slipped in without a word and settled in her arms.
“What’s wrong?”
It was unlike her younger partner to seek comfort in such an open manner, even exhausted as she was.
Only silence and distant thunder answered her. She was dozing off when she finally heard her whisper.
“It reminds me of those nights on the Messis.”
I would regroup these paragraphs to more clearly show who's talking, like so:
“Come in,” Dominura said. Rimone slipped in without a word and settled in her arms. “What’s wrong?” It was unlike her younger partner to seek comfort in such an open manner, even exhausted as she was.
Only silence and distant thunder answered her. She was dozing off when she finally heard her whisper, “It reminds me of those nights on the Messis.”
Or maybe, if you want to have the rhythm of the paragraphs demonstrate the beats of silence:
“Come in,” Dominura said.
Rimone slipped in without a word and settled in her arms.
“What’s wrong?” It was unlike her younger partner to seek comfort in such an open manner, even exhausted as she was.
Only silence and distant thunder answered her.
Dominura was dozing off when she finally heard Rimone whisper, “It reminds me of those nights on the Messis.”
With the names used again after the paragraph break to reorient the reader.
The following day, she would feel her eyes never leaving her, as if she was afraid she would vanish.
Another mildly disorienting, "Wait, who's doing what?" sentence. I first read it as Dominura keeping her eyes on Rimone, before realizing it would make more sense for the kid who'd had a nightmare to be worried about her partner vanishing.
Rimone never told her what the nightmares were about; she didn’t need to.
The war?
Dominura hold her tighter
Should be "held," past tense.
In the evenings, and whenever Aina’s mother requested it, they’d sang.
Should be "they sang." There's no need for past perfect here.
Dominura noticed the patterns she was absently drawing in the snow, but said nothing.
Aw, practicing ri majon in the snow! That is cute and clever. Must be kind of limiting only having two dimensions to work with, though.
she said: “I think you should teach them.”
Should be a comma, not a colon. Only use a colon to introduce speech after a word that isn't a verb.
Again, each line of dialogue does not have to be its own paragraph. You can group it together with actions, and doing so can make it easier for readers to keep track of the back-and-forth. I would make the following edits:
Rimone frowned. “I’m not flying if you’re not there with me. You’re my Pair.”
And:
“Yes.” Dominura was smiling at her, a hint of the way she would carry herself when they first met in her pose.
There's more sections like these throughout the work where I would suggest grouping together paragraphs when people are talking and performing actions at close to the same time, but since it's a subjective stylistic thing, I'm not going to keep pointing them out. I hope the few examples I've given up to this point give you an idea of what I'm talking about. If you want to see more, let me know and I'll go back and find some.
she said: “I’ll teach, then.”
Comma, not colon.
She had tried to draw the moves on the ground. Then she had tried to mimic the moves with rocks in her hands, but that only worked for Ri Majon that didn’t involve more than two Simouns.
Ha, yeah, I called it about the 2D versus 3D problem! Good detail.
in a way or another
The idiom is, "in one way or another".
do good to Rimone
Should be "do Rimone good" or "be good for Rimone".
She knew finding a way to thank everyone for all they did for them since their arrival had been a recurrent worry of hers.
Aw, poor Rimone. This fic has shown she's been more than pulling her weight! It's kind of sad to think all the cool, helpful stuff she's been doing has been partly motivated by insecurity. (Which I also had no idea about until this line spelling it out. You asked about getting across feelings, so I guess one thing you could do if you wanted to dive more into this part is show Rimone emoting while she's helping people or reacting to their reactions to her helpfulness, instead of just describing the things she does and then having Dominura fill us in about her motives.)
I don’t have the books, I don’t even have paper I could draw on.
Comma splice. Should be a period breaking it into two sentences.
And we can’t travel the country and every village to explain, either.
And, huh, this doesn't sound like it's about wanting to pay back people who have helped her! If that's the main thing driving her, I would think she'd be more focused on helping the people in the village where she's staying specifically. I wonder what's driving her to feel like she's responsible for upgrading technology for the whole country.
“Really? You found candies?”
“Really.”
Rimone opened the bag, letting the candies fall in her hand. They were red, orange and yellow supple ribbons. She picked a dark red one and nibbled at it. It tasted almost bitter at first, then just sweet. She closed her eyes, savouring the taste she had missed so much.
Now I'm curious why candies are hard to come by and how Dominura got some! Either one of those on its own wouldn't raise any questions, but putting them together implies that something changed. Did Dominura go out of her way searching markets she wouldn't normally visit? That would be kind of romantic! Or are they only available in a certain season, fitting with that overarching motif of the story?
I can’t come back there
"I can't go back there" would be the more typical way to phrase this.
Is this their first kiss? (edit: Apparently not! But I'll still leave my initial reaction to it here in case that's helpful to you.) I would have liked to see more of Dominura's thoughts and feelings as she decided to go for it, as well as Rimone's reaction. Kissing just because is a subtantial shift in the nature of their relationship, isn't it? In a story that's about their relationship shifting, I think that warrants delving into.
Some of them, like Shanna and Aina were only there to support their sisters,
There should be another comma after "Aina" to set off the appositive phrase.
Each time, they patiently explained, and each time new girls they met left their home with their parents’ blessings to follow them.
Hm... I really wonder how they feel about that responsibility, given the complexity of what it meant to be Sybillae in their own time.
Oh, okay, so the candy kiss wasn't their first, and the first kiss happened before the start of the story, and we're flashing back to it now. That means I've been reading the arc of their relationship wrong this whole time. I kind of assumed since it's tagged "partners to lovers" that the story would be about that happening. But I guess they've been lovers since before the autumn harvest scene and I just... didn't get that? I have to admit, I don't really understand what the point of structuring it like this was supposed to be.
praying the skies
Should be "praying to the skies".
A couple of years later, the elder council had decided they wanted to build something bigger to thank Tempus Spatium, and there she had been, inside the chapel, placing flower bouquets for the official opening on the following day.
Huh, and this is even before they started teaching girls to fly, because that only happened this past year. Was all this just in response to Dominura and Rimone showing up? That does explain Rimone feeling anxiety about whether or not she's giving enough back to the community, I guess.
“It’s been a long time since I haven’t been able to pray like this,”
Should be "It's been a long time since I've been able to pray like this," or, "I haven't been able to pray like this in a long time."
When you’ll be ready, we’ll go together.
Should be, "When you're ready, we'll go together."
Aw, so Rimone initiated the first kiss! That feels appropriate. I'm glad that you did go into her feelings in that moment, but I would have liked to see more of Dominura's reaction.
“Let’s come back home, then.”
Again, the more typical way to say this would be, "Let's go back home."
And now a few final thoughts to try to answer some of your questions that I didn't address in the line-by-line commentary. The sparse description was not a problem for me. For one thing, the seasonal setting details did the job of making the story feel grounded in a particular place and not like the characters were just floating in an abstract void. For another, this fic didn't really have any action scenes or other bits where being able to visualize things was important to understanding the story, so I guess that makes it a good fit for your style. What I thought fit a bit less well for a slice of life story about a developing romance was the also somewhat sparse emotional detail. On the other hand, I remember the Simoun anime itself also being a bit emotionally understated, so perhaps you were just matching the tone of canon.
Also, I'm left wondering if they ever got the mills sorted out!
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2022-07-10 11:33 pm (UTC)“You’re tired from the day, the fatigue makes you more sensitive to cold.”
This is a comma splice. Either change the comma to a period and break it into two sentences, or add an "and" or a "so" between the comma and "the fatigue".
Curious eyes lifted to meet hers, but Rimone didn’t comment, only thanked her.
A bit awkwardly phrased. I got tripped up wondering whose eyes were lifting to meet whose before deciding that Rimone must be looking up at Dominura, because there's no way I can picture this scene where Dominura is the one positioned lower down. So I guess Rimone is curious about why Dominura is being so nice to her, but just thanks her instead of commenting on the level of niceness being unusual?
“Come in,” Dominura said.
Rimone slipped in without a word and settled in her arms.
“What’s wrong?”
It was unlike her younger partner to seek comfort in such an open manner, even exhausted as she was.
Only silence and distant thunder answered her. She was dozing off when she finally heard her whisper.
“It reminds me of those nights on the Messis.”
I would regroup these paragraphs to more clearly show who's talking, like so:
“Come in,” Dominura said. Rimone slipped in without a word and settled in her arms. “What’s wrong?” It was unlike her younger partner to seek comfort in such an open manner, even exhausted as she was.
Only silence and distant thunder answered her. She was dozing off when she finally heard her whisper, “It reminds me of those nights on the Messis.”
Or maybe, if you want to have the rhythm of the paragraphs demonstrate the beats of silence:
“Come in,” Dominura said.
Rimone slipped in without a word and settled in her arms.
“What’s wrong?” It was unlike her younger partner to seek comfort in such an open manner, even exhausted as she was.
Only silence and distant thunder answered her.
Dominura was dozing off when she finally heard Rimone whisper, “It reminds me of those nights on the Messis.”
With the names used again after the paragraph break to reorient the reader.
The following day, she would feel her eyes never leaving her, as if she was afraid she would vanish.
Another mildly disorienting, "Wait, who's doing what?" sentence. I first read it as Dominura keeping her eyes on Rimone, before realizing it would make more sense for the kid who'd had a nightmare to be worried about her partner vanishing.
Rimone never told her what the nightmares were about; she didn’t need to.
The war?
Dominura hold her tighter
Should be "held," past tense.
In the evenings, and whenever Aina’s mother requested it, they’d sang.
Should be "they sang." There's no need for past perfect here.
Dominura noticed the patterns she was absently drawing in the snow, but said nothing.
Aw, practicing ri majon in the snow! That is cute and clever. Must be kind of limiting only having two dimensions to work with, though.
she said: “I think you should teach them.”
Should be a comma, not a colon. Only use a colon to introduce speech after a word that isn't a verb.
Again, each line of dialogue does not have to be its own paragraph. You can group it together with actions, and doing so can make it easier for readers to keep track of the back-and-forth. I would make the following edits:
Rimone frowned. “I’m not flying if you’re not there with me. You’re my Pair.”
And:
“Yes.” Dominura was smiling at her, a hint of the way she would carry herself when they first met in her pose.
There's more sections like these throughout the work where I would suggest grouping together paragraphs when people are talking and performing actions at close to the same time, but since it's a subjective stylistic thing, I'm not going to keep pointing them out. I hope the few examples I've given up to this point give you an idea of what I'm talking about. If you want to see more, let me know and I'll go back and find some.
she said: “I’ll teach, then.”
Comma, not colon.
She had tried to draw the moves on the ground. Then she had tried to mimic the moves with rocks in her hands, but that only worked for Ri Majon that didn’t involve more than two Simouns.
Ha, yeah, I called it about the 2D versus 3D problem! Good detail.
in a way or another
The idiom is, "in one way or another".
do good to Rimone
Should be "do Rimone good" or "be good for Rimone".
She knew finding a way to thank everyone for all they did for them since their arrival had been a recurrent worry of hers.
Aw, poor Rimone. This fic has shown she's been more than pulling her weight! It's kind of sad to think all the cool, helpful stuff she's been doing has been partly motivated by insecurity. (Which I also had no idea about until this line spelling it out. You asked about getting across feelings, so I guess one thing you could do if you wanted to dive more into this part is show Rimone emoting while she's helping people or reacting to their reactions to her helpfulness, instead of just describing the things she does and then having Dominura fill us in about her motives.)
I don’t have the books, I don’t even have paper I could draw on.
Comma splice. Should be a period breaking it into two sentences.
And we can’t travel the country and every village to explain, either.
And, huh, this doesn't sound like it's about wanting to pay back people who have helped her! If that's the main thing driving her, I would think she'd be more focused on helping the people in the village where she's staying specifically. I wonder what's driving her to feel like she's responsible for upgrading technology for the whole country.
“Really? You found candies?”
“Really.”
Rimone opened the bag, letting the candies fall in her hand. They were red, orange and yellow supple ribbons. She picked a dark red one and nibbled at it. It tasted almost bitter at first, then just sweet. She closed her eyes, savouring the taste she had missed so much.
Now I'm curious why candies are hard to come by and how Dominura got some! Either one of those on its own wouldn't raise any questions, but putting them together implies that something changed. Did Dominura go out of her way searching markets she wouldn't normally visit? That would be kind of romantic! Or are they only available in a certain season, fitting with that overarching motif of the story?
I can’t come back there
"I can't go back there" would be the more typical way to phrase this.
Is this their first kiss? (edit: Apparently not! But I'll still leave my initial reaction to it here in case that's helpful to you.) I would have liked to see more of Dominura's thoughts and feelings as she decided to go for it, as well as Rimone's reaction. Kissing just because is a subtantial shift in the nature of their relationship, isn't it? In a story that's about their relationship shifting, I think that warrants delving into.
Some of them, like Shanna and Aina were only there to support their sisters,
There should be another comma after "Aina" to set off the appositive phrase.
Each time, they patiently explained, and each time new girls they met left their home with their parents’ blessings to follow them.
Hm... I really wonder how they feel about that responsibility, given the complexity of what it meant to be Sybillae in their own time.
Oh, okay, so the candy kiss wasn't their first, and the first kiss happened before the start of the story, and we're flashing back to it now. That means I've been reading the arc of their relationship wrong this whole time. I kind of assumed since it's tagged "partners to lovers" that the story would be about that happening. But I guess they've been lovers since before the autumn harvest scene and I just... didn't get that? I have to admit, I don't really understand what the point of structuring it like this was supposed to be.
praying the skies
Should be "praying to the skies".
A couple of years later, the elder council had decided they wanted to build something bigger to thank Tempus Spatium, and there she had been, inside the chapel, placing flower bouquets for the official opening on the following day.
Huh, and this is even before they started teaching girls to fly, because that only happened this past year. Was all this just in response to Dominura and Rimone showing up? That does explain Rimone feeling anxiety about whether or not she's giving enough back to the community, I guess.
“It’s been a long time since I haven’t been able to pray like this,”
Should be "It's been a long time since I've been able to pray like this," or, "I haven't been able to pray like this in a long time."
When you’ll be ready, we’ll go together.
Should be, "When you're ready, we'll go together."
Aw, so Rimone initiated the first kiss! That feels appropriate. I'm glad that you did go into her feelings in that moment, but I would have liked to see more of Dominura's reaction.
“Let’s come back home, then.”
Again, the more typical way to say this would be, "Let's go back home."
And now a few final thoughts to try to answer some of your questions that I didn't address in the line-by-line commentary. The sparse description was not a problem for me. For one thing, the seasonal setting details did the job of making the story feel grounded in a particular place and not like the characters were just floating in an abstract void. For another, this fic didn't really have any action scenes or other bits where being able to visualize things was important to understanding the story, so I guess that makes it a good fit for your style. What I thought fit a bit less well for a slice of life story about a developing romance was the also somewhat sparse emotional detail. On the other hand, I remember the Simoun anime itself also being a bit emotionally understated, so perhaps you were just matching the tone of canon.
Also, I'm left wondering if they ever got the mills sorted out!