Hi! Thank you very much for your concrit, and my apologies for not answering sooner.
The comma splices! I love my commas too much. Thank you for explaining those because it never clicked in my head before.
So I guess Rimone is curious about why Dominura is being so nice to her, but just thanks her instead of commenting on the level of niceness being unusual? > That's absolutely what happens. I edited to made it clearer.
The punctuation rules trip me so much that I had slipped into separating each sentence spoken from each action in order to avoid making mistakes with those. Your examples are very clear and this helps me a lot.
I first read it as Dominura keeping her eyes on Rimone, before realizing it would make more sense for the kid who'd had a nightmare to be worried about her partner vanishing. > That's what happens, also edited it for clarity.
Rimone never told her what the nightmares were about; she didn’t need to. / The war? > I was actually intending for the nightmares to be about Dominura's near dying after she looked into the Helical Motoris, hence why she was scared of Dominura's disappearing. In the show, she states that Dominura has the eyes of someone who is going to die, and for a kid this young this must have left a mark.
Should be a comma, not a colon. > I actually found out about this at some point in 2022 (the first punctuation guide I stumbled upon was... not good). I cringed reading it, so at least some progress is being made.
Ha, yeah, I called it about the 2D versus 3D problem! Good detail. > =D
You asked about getting across feelings, so I guess one thing you could do if you wanted to dive more into this part is show Rimone emoting while she's helping people or reacting to their reactions to her helpfulness, instead of just describing the things she does and then having Dominura fill us in about her motives. > I did a bit of that (like her frustration with not being able to teach the kids properly), but obviously not enough. I focused more on the Dominura/Rimone relationship but I see now that it's lacking there, too.
I wonder what's driving her to feel like she's responsible for upgrading technology for the whole country. > What Dominura saw in the Helical Motoris was them teaching people to control Simouns, eventually building up to the war. At the end of the show, they're depicted as having accepted this as their "mission" (Rimone deals with this in the last ep) so I thought it'd made sense for them to gradually build to this since it's set during the time skip. Rimone does want to pay back for the help she's been given, but she also has a "mission" to spread the knowledge about Simouns.
Now I'm curious why candies are hard to come by and how Dominura got some! > I did some research on how candies could be made in a pre-industrial society like early Simulacrum is. So those are fruit jellies, because that's one of the easiest thing to make, and they are seasonal (yes, that's to fit the theme).
Is this their first kiss? > True! I thought I made it clear from the ellipses that a lot of development is not mentioned, since we skip multiple months each time to cover the seven years. But I didn't have any flashbacks before the last one, so I agree it's confusing. I'm giving myself some time to decide if I want to restructure it or let it be.
Was all this just in response to Dominura and Rimone showing up? > This is happening roughly in the middle of the time skip so they started the teaching, if not the actual flying. People of the village they're living in are shown to have this level of reverence for them in the finale, but they're also building a temple for their deity. It's not to thank them, but to thank Tempus Spatium (for everything, since it seems to be their only deity).
What I thought fit a bit less well for a slice of life story about a developing romance was the also somewhat sparse emotional detail. On the other hand, I remember the Simoun anime itself also being a bit emotionally understated, so perhaps you were just matching the tone of canon. Both! Simoun is emotionally understated, so it fits my writing style well, which is also quite subdued. It works here, although from your comments I can see some parts could have been more emotional, but it comes off as lacking for other canons.
Also, I'm left wondering if they ever got the mills sorted out! > They did, after they started dismantling the Similes. At least that's how I see the population eventually getting to Helical Motoris-powered boats and trains.
Thank you again! I edited the fic along with your corrections and this was very educational. Hope you're having a wonderful day!
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timeasmymeasure
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Date: 2022-08-14 07:09 pm (UTC)The comma splices! I love my commas too much. Thank you for explaining those because it never clicked in my head before.
So I guess Rimone is curious about why Dominura is being so nice to her, but just thanks her instead of commenting on the level of niceness being unusual? > That's absolutely what happens. I edited to made it clearer.
The punctuation rules trip me so much that I had slipped into separating each sentence spoken from each action in order to avoid making mistakes with those.
Your examples are very clear and this helps me a lot.
I first read it as Dominura keeping her eyes on Rimone, before realizing it would make more sense for the kid who'd had a nightmare to be worried about her partner vanishing. > That's what happens, also edited it for clarity.
Rimone never told her what the nightmares were about; she didn’t need to. / The war? > I was actually intending for the nightmares to be about Dominura's near dying after she looked into the Helical Motoris, hence why she was scared of Dominura's disappearing. In the show, she states that Dominura has the eyes of someone who is going to die, and for a kid this young this must have left a mark.
Should be a comma, not a colon. > I actually found out about this at some point in 2022 (the first punctuation guide I stumbled upon was... not good). I cringed reading it, so at least some progress is being made.
Ha, yeah, I called it about the 2D versus 3D problem! Good detail. > =D
You asked about getting across feelings, so I guess one thing you could do if you wanted to dive more into this part is show Rimone emoting while she's helping people or reacting to their reactions to her helpfulness, instead of just describing the things she does and then having Dominura fill us in about her motives. > I did a bit of that (like her frustration with not being able to teach the kids properly), but obviously not enough. I focused more on the Dominura/Rimone relationship but I see now that it's lacking there, too.
I wonder what's driving her to feel like she's responsible for upgrading technology for the whole country. > What Dominura saw in the Helical Motoris was them teaching people to control Simouns, eventually building up to the war. At the end of the show, they're depicted as having accepted this as their "mission" (Rimone deals with this in the last ep) so I thought it'd made sense for them to gradually build to this since it's set during the time skip.
Rimone does want to pay back for the help she's been given, but she also has a "mission" to spread the knowledge about Simouns.
Now I'm curious why candies are hard to come by and how Dominura got some! > I did some research on how candies could be made in a pre-industrial society like early Simulacrum is. So those are fruit jellies, because that's one of the easiest thing to make, and they are seasonal (yes, that's to fit the theme).
Is this their first kiss? > True! I thought I made it clear from the ellipses that a lot of development is not mentioned, since we skip multiple months each time to cover the seven years.
But I didn't have any flashbacks before the last one, so I agree it's confusing. I'm giving myself some time to decide if I want to restructure it or let it be.
Was all this just in response to Dominura and Rimone showing up? > This is happening roughly in the middle of the time skip so they started the teaching, if not the actual flying. People of the village they're living in are shown to have this level of reverence for them in the finale, but they're also building a temple for their deity. It's not to thank them, but to thank Tempus Spatium (for everything, since it seems to be their only deity).
What I thought fit a bit less well for a slice of life story about a developing romance was the also somewhat sparse emotional detail. On the other hand, I remember the Simoun anime itself also being a bit emotionally understated, so perhaps you were just matching the tone of canon. Both! Simoun is emotionally understated, so it fits my writing style well, which is also quite subdued. It works here, although from your comments I can see some parts could have been more emotional, but it comes off as lacking for other canons.
Also, I'm left wondering if they ever got the mills sorted out! > They did, after they started dismantling the Similes. At least that's how I see the population eventually getting to Helical Motoris-powered boats and trains.
Thank you again! I edited the fic along with your corrections and this was very educational.
Hope you're having a wonderful day!