Hi! Thanks for signing up for Concrit-X. Since I'm not familiar with any of the fandoms you've written for, I decided to go with A Propitious Season of Living.
First I want to give you props for the vintage-feeling narration style. I get the sense that this is a style you're practiced and comfortable with, so maybe you take it as a matter of course, but I've definitely seen people go for older-sounding prose and completely mangle it. Part of what cinches it is your use of dashes and asides, I think. There's a hefty, elaborate, meandering feeling to the syntax that I associate with Victorian novels, and it shows you know how to pay attention to sentence-level structure.
Where you can turn that attention to next is to narrative-level structure. For this genre I understand it's expected for stories to be pretty loose and quiet in their pacing, but even so, I have some specific thoughts.
First, I want to point out your use of what I'll call preview sentences. These are sentences at the lead of a scene or segment that set the tone and warn us of what's about to happen next, which help with the pacing and generating interest. Sentences like "It was the next day that Becky's illness began to get worse" and "One day things reached a crisis" work like this. Those are some good ones, and I'd like to see more. For instance, I would have liked a more ominous note like that in the first sentence, which currently reads, "Of all the windows in London — all the lighted windows sending their warm, happy glow out onto the cold grey pavements of this gloomy March evening — none presented a happier view to the passer-by than this one." This definitely sounds cheerful, but (perhaps as a matter of personal taste) I'd prefer a hint of the trouble yet to come. While reading, I found the story to move faster in the second half than in the first, and I think that sense of initial "slowness" wasn't so much about the actual events as it was a hankering for more little hooks and warnings, if that makes sense.
Second, around the time of Becky's confession, I found myself wondering about Becky's POV. I understand you may have a purpose in sticking with Sara, so I'm just explaining where my mind was at during this point. I imagine there would be an interesting internal conflict going on over her guilt and sense of duty vs. a fear of speaking her mind. Becky's "I should have been able to stand it" is a very expected perspective, from what I can glean of her character, but I also wonder if Becky's "Thank you, miss" that concludes this conversation was just to close the subject, out of reluctance to argue with Sara. If we had access to Becky's thoughts, then we could see the contrast between those thoughts and her outward behavior. As it is, Sara's POV doesn't provide us with any clues that would hint at that, and so it seems like kind of an abruptly easy resolution.
Third, Sara's personal realization being placed right before Becky's recovery makes it feel like a narrative turning point. I don't know if you meant to imply that Sara's realization makes her get better, but it makes me wonder what kind of narrative significance I should read into that moment. I would be interested in seeing that fleshed out with a sharper contrast between Sara's mentality before and after. If that would be diverging from your intentions with the scene, though, then maybe something else (a realization on Becky's part, not Sara's?) would be a better fit for this spot.
Lastly, I noticed there's a lot of attention to plants here. I appreciate that. You've got a keen sense for atmospheric details, and even though I don't know most of the species named, it makes for a lot of lovely imagery in a way that's very fitting for the spirit of the story.
![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
timeasmymeasure
Feedback: A Propitious Season of Living
Date: 2022-07-11 08:03 pm (UTC)First I want to give you props for the vintage-feeling narration style. I get the sense that this is a style you're practiced and comfortable with, so maybe you take it as a matter of course, but I've definitely seen people go for older-sounding prose and completely mangle it. Part of what cinches it is your use of dashes and asides, I think. There's a hefty, elaborate, meandering feeling to the syntax that I associate with Victorian novels, and it shows you know how to pay attention to sentence-level structure.
Where you can turn that attention to next is to narrative-level structure. For this genre I understand it's expected for stories to be pretty loose and quiet in their pacing, but even so, I have some specific thoughts.
First, I want to point out your use of what I'll call preview sentences. These are sentences at the lead of a scene or segment that set the tone and warn us of what's about to happen next, which help with the pacing and generating interest. Sentences like "It was the next day that Becky's illness began to get worse" and "One day things reached a crisis" work like this. Those are some good ones, and I'd like to see more. For instance, I would have liked a more ominous note like that in the first sentence, which currently reads, "Of all the windows in London — all the lighted windows sending their warm, happy glow out onto the cold grey pavements of this gloomy March evening — none presented a happier view to the passer-by than this one." This definitely sounds cheerful, but (perhaps as a matter of personal taste) I'd prefer a hint of the trouble yet to come. While reading, I found the story to move faster in the second half than in the first, and I think that sense of initial "slowness" wasn't so much about the actual events as it was a hankering for more little hooks and warnings, if that makes sense.
Second, around the time of Becky's confession, I found myself wondering about Becky's POV. I understand you may have a purpose in sticking with Sara, so I'm just explaining where my mind was at during this point. I imagine there would be an interesting internal conflict going on over her guilt and sense of duty vs. a fear of speaking her mind. Becky's "I should have been able to stand it" is a very expected perspective, from what I can glean of her character, but I also wonder if Becky's "Thank you, miss" that concludes this conversation was just to close the subject, out of reluctance to argue with Sara. If we had access to Becky's thoughts, then we could see the contrast between those thoughts and her outward behavior. As it is, Sara's POV doesn't provide us with any clues that would hint at that, and so it seems like kind of an abruptly easy resolution.
Third, Sara's personal realization being placed right before Becky's recovery makes it feel like a narrative turning point. I don't know if you meant to imply that Sara's realization makes her get better, but it makes me wonder what kind of narrative significance I should read into that moment. I would be interested in seeing that fleshed out with a sharper contrast between Sara's mentality before and after. If that would be diverging from your intentions with the scene, though, then maybe something else (a realization on Becky's part, not Sara's?) would be a better fit for this spot.
Lastly, I noticed there's a lot of attention to plants here. I appreciate that. You've got a keen sense for atmospheric details, and even though I don't know most of the species named, it makes for a lot of lovely imagery in a way that's very fitting for the spirit of the story.