I read A Corridor Without Wrackspurts, which was so sweet and endearing I am at pains to provide concrit for it. I love your Luna voice: kind-hearted and imaginative and totally oblivious to her peers' ill intent. I didn't remember anything about the Grey Lady, but I might look up her wiki entry after this, because you painted such an intriguing portrait of her. I really like the lukewarm, half-interested tone she has throughout the story, with copious affection and passion just below the surface ("You don't know what I did" / "Perhaps I shall drop by, just to say hello." / "I do miss books").
Fave lines: - She'd have to sniff the ingredients in their next class and see if there was something appropriate that she could spill on the book. Just a dab at the top of the spine should be enough. - "Is it?" The Grey Lady looked around at the dark corridor. "Perhaps that's why I like it so much." - Luna had hoped that Grace would be her first friend at Hogwarts, but she would just have to be her second friend instead.
The fic as a whole doesn't sport any breathtaking expressions or disarming turns of phrase, but it's told from eleven-year-old Luna's POV, so it doesn't need them. I think this style works very well for the story, except maybe you lean too heavily on dialogue toward the end - a few more descriptions would help to set the mood or atmosphere. Also, I am not 100% convinced about this, but I have the feeling the fic is too skewed toward Luna in general - perhaps you could emphasize the things Grey Lady is getting out of this just a tad more (books, supernatural advice, a third thing)?
I just spotted a couple of SPAG errors: I always thought that lessons and studying was such a slow way to learn (should be "were") and Hopefully, there would be no more wrackspurts than there were people ("wrackspurts" needs a capital W).
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timeasmymeasure
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Date: 2020-08-25 06:21 pm (UTC)Fave lines:
- She'd have to sniff the ingredients in their next class and see if there was something appropriate that she could spill on the book. Just a dab at the top of the spine should be enough.
- "Is it?" The Grey Lady looked around at the dark corridor. "Perhaps that's why I like it so much."
- Luna had hoped that Grace would be her first friend at Hogwarts, but she would just have to be her second friend instead.
The fic as a whole doesn't sport any breathtaking expressions or disarming turns of phrase, but it's told from eleven-year-old Luna's POV, so it doesn't need them. I think this style works very well for the story, except maybe you lean too heavily on dialogue toward the end - a few more descriptions would help to set the mood or atmosphere. Also, I am not 100% convinced about this, but I have the feeling the fic is too skewed toward Luna in general - perhaps you could emphasize the things Grey Lady is getting out of this just a tad more (books, supernatural advice, a third thing)?
I just spotted a couple of SPAG errors: I always thought that lessons and studying was such a slow way to learn (should be "were") and Hopefully, there would be no more wrackspurts than there were people ("wrackspurts" needs a capital W).
Beautiful story! Thanks for sharing!