I read When Tomorrow Comes. I wanted to note that I'm not familiar with canon, in case anything in my comment seems off. (I did skim some wiki articles.)
What is your overall impression?
I liked it! It was a sweet story and I enjoyed the hurt/comfort aspect. I would've been happy to receive this in an exchange. The title and summary also both fit, and the tags gave a good indication of what to expect.
Does anything stand out as particularly effective or well done?
- The moment Enjolras got hit being described at such a distance (Something slammed into his shoulder) was great. In addition to Enjolras noticing the bullets earlier in the paragraph, it makes it clear what happened and immediately raises the stakes. Enjolras brushing it off also communicates how urgently they need to escape.
- Apparently, Bahorel saved his stylistic flair for his wardrobe, rather than his lodgings. I thought this told us a whole lot about Bahorel. How he appears, what he prioritizes, and his general life circumstances. It also served as a good descriptive note for the apartment without having to go into details.
- Combeferre clearly overestimated him. This made me laugh. It succinctly summarized Enjolras's general attitude toward bedrest. It also set Enjolras up for being excited for a visit from Bahorel.
- The hurt/comfort was well handled. The marble skin comment and the description of Bahorel being outwardly mischievous and inwardly solemn was nice. I thought it communicated his care for Enjolras and was a good note for their dynamic. The soft face touch that followed and how they both held still for it - but then didn't say anything about it! - was also a rich emotional moment. I really loved that part.
Does the ending feel complete and earned?
I'm going to quote the whole ending paragraph so I can talk about two different things:
Another kiss, languorous and sweet. Enjolras settled down in Bahorel's arms, eyes closing. True, he'd never imagined needing or wanting something like this. But the world sat on the brink of change. A new dawn would soon rise over Paris, and Enjolras too could enjoy all its promise.
- I thought this was very sweet. It was a nice warm-and-fuzzy moment and I was happy that they got to A) be together B) settle down and rest in a comfortable bed, haha. The phrasing of the world being on the brink of change and Enjolras enjoying its promise was good. It made me think that nice things were on the horizon for them. Even though the wiki let me know that's… not the case in canon. :') But it gave a feeling that the story was bigger than what we were seeing here, that this romance fit into their overall lives, and I enjoyed that.
- This is a personal opinion, so take it with a grain of salt, but lines at the very end like 'He never thought about this' are not my favorite. It throws me out of the story and gives me the feeling that the character who's thinking it is more 'going along with the situation' rather than being genuinely attracted to the other character. I think this would have worked better earlier on. Ex. between these paragraphs: …Bahorel’s fingers were firm and deft and, above all, caring. / Bahorel fixed one final knot and then stepped away. When it's right at the end, it feels like the character has pulled back from the situation. I think it detracts from the emotional rush. But if the line comes before the emotional climax, it reads less like the character pulling away and more like an expression of the character's pining or attraction to the romantic interest.
Anything else you feel could be improved?
- the bone of his cheek This is a very minor note, but this phrasing, instead of cheekbone, threw me off slightly. Suggestions: 'curve/line of his cheek' or 'cheekbone.'
End notes
Overall though I did think it was a strong story! The note about the ending, even for my personal preferences, wasn't so distracting as to take too much away from the rest of the fic. The hurt/comfort was used well for intimacy purposes, and I am always a fan of tending to wounds and I think that was done well.
Additionally I think both characters seemed attracted to the other and their first kiss was really nice. Specifically I liked the phrasing of the world froze around them, especially in context of Enjolras looking out at the world at the end. It was a nice use of careful phrasing because it put the emphasis all on the two of them, and made it feel like they got to keep moving together while the world went still.
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2020-08-17 12:25 am (UTC)What is your overall impression?
I liked it! It was a sweet story and I enjoyed the hurt/comfort aspect. I would've been happy to receive this in an exchange. The title and summary also both fit, and the tags gave a good indication of what to expect.
Does anything stand out as particularly effective or well done?
- The moment Enjolras got hit being described at such a distance (Something slammed into his shoulder) was great. In addition to Enjolras noticing the bullets earlier in the paragraph, it makes it clear what happened and immediately raises the stakes. Enjolras brushing it off also communicates how urgently they need to escape.
- Apparently, Bahorel saved his stylistic flair for his wardrobe, rather than his lodgings. I thought this told us a whole lot about Bahorel. How he appears, what he prioritizes, and his general life circumstances. It also served as a good descriptive note for the apartment without having to go into details.
- Combeferre clearly overestimated him. This made me laugh. It succinctly summarized Enjolras's general attitude toward bedrest. It also set Enjolras up for being excited for a visit from Bahorel.
- The hurt/comfort was well handled. The marble skin comment and the description of Bahorel being outwardly mischievous and inwardly solemn was nice. I thought it communicated his care for Enjolras and was a good note for their dynamic. The soft face touch that followed and how they both held still for it - but then didn't say anything about it! - was also a rich emotional moment. I really loved that part.
Does the ending feel complete and earned?
I'm going to quote the whole ending paragraph so I can talk about two different things:
Another kiss, languorous and sweet. Enjolras settled down in Bahorel's arms, eyes closing. True, he'd never imagined needing or wanting something like this. But the world sat on the brink of change. A new dawn would soon rise over Paris, and Enjolras too could enjoy all its promise.
- I thought this was very sweet. It was a nice warm-and-fuzzy moment and I was happy that they got to A) be together B) settle down and rest in a comfortable bed, haha. The phrasing of the world being on the brink of change and Enjolras enjoying its promise was good. It made me think that nice things were on the horizon for them. Even though the wiki let me know that's… not the case in canon. :') But it gave a feeling that the story was bigger than what we were seeing here, that this romance fit into their overall lives, and I enjoyed that.
- This is a personal opinion, so take it with a grain of salt, but lines at the very end like 'He never thought about this' are not my favorite. It throws me out of the story and gives me the feeling that the character who's thinking it is more 'going along with the situation' rather than being genuinely attracted to the other character. I think this would have worked better earlier on. Ex. between these paragraphs: …Bahorel’s fingers were firm and deft and, above all, caring. / Bahorel fixed one final knot and then stepped away. When it's right at the end, it feels like the character has pulled back from the situation. I think it detracts from the emotional rush. But if the line comes before the emotional climax, it reads less like the character pulling away and more like an expression of the character's pining or attraction to the romantic interest.
Anything else you feel could be improved?
- the bone of his cheek This is a very minor note, but this phrasing, instead of cheekbone, threw me off slightly. Suggestions: 'curve/line of his cheek' or 'cheekbone.'
End notes
Overall though I did think it was a strong story! The note about the ending, even for my personal preferences, wasn't so distracting as to take too much away from the rest of the fic. The hurt/comfort was used well for intimacy purposes, and I am always a fan of tending to wounds and I think that was done well.
Additionally I think both characters seemed attracted to the other and their first kiss was really nice. Specifically I liked the phrasing of the world froze around them, especially in context of Enjolras looking out at the world at the end. It was a nice use of careful phrasing because it put the emphasis all on the two of them, and made it feel like they got to keep moving together while the world went still.