Concrit for Filigranka
Apr. 15th, 2021 01:42 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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concrit_xI want to receive feedback by :
- Comment on my DW post in this community
- Comment where the work is published (AO3)
- tumblr message (I’m Filigranka there) or on Discord (Filigranka#6634)
- if you know me on other fandom platform/mail, and prefer to reach me there, it’s fine.
Here are the works I want feedback on: Everything on my AO3 is a fair game.
https://archiveofourown.org/users/Filigranka - I have no safe works, feel free to comment on anything, drabbles, WIPs, one-shots, multichaptered fics... I write in Polish&English, and if you happen to know the first - or are brave enough to use online translators to read fics ;) - feedback about Polish works is welcome, too.
My works' fandoms and content notes are: I've written for dozens of fandom, in English and Polish, so probably using my Ao3's dashboard is the best way to check them all. The ones I have written the most for in English are The Witcher (games and books), Compilation of FFVII, Star Wars, especially sequel trilogy, Harry Potter, Silmarillion.
I write everything, from crack to dark, from gen to noncon porn with pretty kinky stuff, with a side of worldbuilding and politics in everything. These things are properly tagged and warned for on AO3.
Too long sentences aren't tagged, but believe me, there's plenty of them. ;)
I have these questions for readers: Any kind of feedback will be appreciated, but a general “SPAG mistakes” alone wouldn’t help me much, without explanation of a specific SPAG problem.
Any feedback about using descriptions (more. I know I need more, but how and where?) would be very appreciated. I struggle with summaries and tags a lot and will gladly take any advice about them.
I love all comments, including the ones focused on more formal side or focusing on the inter-workings or just a one sentence, so if you feel like going all nitpicky, don't restrain yourself. But I will just as happily read (and if my personal issues won't stop me, reply to) any interpretations, views of the characters and their relationships, digressions and discussions about worldbuilding, charactes or canon. Or your stream-of-consciousness-like impression about the fic.
Also, I can make a long list of the things I do wrong, but I have no idea what, if anything, I do right, so if there's something in my writing which can be commented upon positively - on a more general level, like "I like the % of the adjectives to verbs" or a specific one, like "having three verbs and one adjective in this sentence works as an emphasis of Y" (this is the most detached from real content of the fics exemple I could make ;)) - it'll probably help me, too.
Side-note: I love drabbles, getting a con-crit-treat on them would be just as awesome as critique on longer works.
The style of feedback I prefer to receive is: Anything goes.
Comments to this post will be: unscreened.
- Comment on my DW post in this community
- Comment where the work is published (AO3)
- tumblr message (I’m Filigranka there) or on Discord (Filigranka#6634)
- if you know me on other fandom platform/mail, and prefer to reach me there, it’s fine.
Here are the works I want feedback on: Everything on my AO3 is a fair game.
https://archiveofourown.org/users/Filigranka - I have no safe works, feel free to comment on anything, drabbles, WIPs, one-shots, multichaptered fics... I write in Polish&English, and if you happen to know the first - or are brave enough to use online translators to read fics ;) - feedback about Polish works is welcome, too.
My works' fandoms and content notes are: I've written for dozens of fandom, in English and Polish, so probably using my Ao3's dashboard is the best way to check them all. The ones I have written the most for in English are The Witcher (games and books), Compilation of FFVII, Star Wars, especially sequel trilogy, Harry Potter, Silmarillion.
I write everything, from crack to dark, from gen to noncon porn with pretty kinky stuff, with a side of worldbuilding and politics in everything. These things are properly tagged and warned for on AO3.
Too long sentences aren't tagged, but believe me, there's plenty of them. ;)
I have these questions for readers: Any kind of feedback will be appreciated, but a general “SPAG mistakes” alone wouldn’t help me much, without explanation of a specific SPAG problem.
Any feedback about using descriptions (more. I know I need more, but how and where?) would be very appreciated. I struggle with summaries and tags a lot and will gladly take any advice about them.
I love all comments, including the ones focused on more formal side or focusing on the inter-workings or just a one sentence, so if you feel like going all nitpicky, don't restrain yourself. But I will just as happily read (and if my personal issues won't stop me, reply to) any interpretations, views of the characters and their relationships, digressions and discussions about worldbuilding, charactes or canon. Or your stream-of-consciousness-like impression about the fic.
Also, I can make a long list of the things I do wrong, but I have no idea what, if anything, I do right, so if there's something in my writing which can be commented upon positively - on a more general level, like "I like the % of the adjectives to verbs" or a specific one, like "having three verbs and one adjective in this sentence works as an emphasis of Y" (this is the most detached from real content of the fics exemple I could make ;)) - it'll probably help me, too.
Side-note: I love drabbles, getting a con-crit-treat on them would be just as awesome as critique on longer works.
The style of feedback I prefer to receive is: Anything goes.
Comments to this post will be: unscreened.
Reviews Posted!
Date: 2021-04-24 09:14 pm (UTC)I posted reviews on A Silver Spoon, Classy (like a princess) Sassy (like a princess), and Took This the Wrong Way on AO3! (Total of 1.7k words read.) I hope those are alright for you. :) I definitely want you to feel like you got a fair exchange, so definitely reply to any of those or email me (wildbootsappeared @ gmail) for follow-up, questions, etc.
no subject
Date: 2021-05-09 04:46 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2021-05-11 02:44 pm (UTC)The first few months of Rey and Finn training together happened still in the midst of pangalatic chaos.
This sentence seems clunky to me — there's a lot going on here, and I'm overloaded all at once as a reader. 'The first few months of Rey and Finn's training happened in the midst of pangalatic chaos.' or 'In the midst of pangalatic chaos, Rey and Finn began training together.' or 'Rey and Finn started training together in the midst of pangalatic chaos.' I get that you want to show the passage of time here too, but I think you do illustrate that in the next line so it's not necessary to add it here.
They built most of their things as they went from debris and junk.
Here I think it would be clearer if you could specify what they were building (training materials or equipment?). 'most of their things' to me implies that they did have other equipment that was already pre-made, but if that's not the case, I think it's okay to omit it and, for example, just write 'They built their training equipment as they went using debris and junk.' instead.
So, when the make-up combat training remote was suddenly pulled through the air, away from Finn (with whom, at this point, it was clearly winning) the movement broke it in half.
I think the sentence here is quite clunky as well, and it tries to get a lot of things across. I had to re-read it a few times to understand, and I think you can break the sentence up into different components to help your reader see the flow of movement more clearly. From your earlier line, it was quite clear that the items that Finn and Rey trained with are mostly things they've made on their own, so I think you can remove 'make-up' as well. I would suggest a line like 'So, when the combat training remote was suddenly pulled away from Finn (who it was clearly winning against), the movement broke it cleanly in half.' However, feel free to ignore if it doesn't work for you!
'Have I...' Finn was interrupted by Luke's amused voice:
'I think we have just gained another student!'
I like how Finn's dialogue is cut off, and it could be him wondering if he has won, or wondering if it was his fault that the remote was broken. I like Luke's observation about BB-8 here, and I think this line tells us a lot all at one go — BB-8 arrived, he's joined the training and wants to be a part of it.
Finn and Rey turned around and saw BB-8 beeping with pride and excitement, the remnants of the remote hanging from his magnet.
I think you can change this line to 'Finn and Rey turned around to see BB-8 beeping with pride and excitement, remants of the remote hanging from his magnet.' (so remove 'the', and change 'and saw' to 'to see' as in this case, their act of turning around brings them face to face with BB-8 beeping with pride. Again, feel free to ignore though if it doesn't work for you.
For me I think drabbles are a showcase of an author's word economy, and of course the ideal is that each sentence is able to show or tell as much as you can. In this case, I think shorter sentences might make it easier for you to express more, as you tend to use more words with run-on lines that may not necessarily add on to what you're trying to bring across.
Overall, I think this drabble is really cute, and I like the action and flow of the story. From this I can see the relationship between Finn and Rey, the friendly competition between them, how they're both training under Luke, and the image you paint of BB-8 wanting to join in as well is really adorable. I think the title works for this drabble, as did the tags in telling me what to expect. I was quite surprised that there wasn't a summary for this though because you had summaries for most of your other drabbles. Thank you for writing this!