Concrit for Nonplussed

[nonplussed]

I want to receive feedback by : Your choice of email, Discord PM, comment on my DW post in this community, or in a shared google doc for the fic of your choice (which I can provide once you let me know which fic you're choosing)

Here are the works I want feedback on: Any fic from my ao3 here posted after Nov 2021

My works' fandoms and content notes are: My fandoms are MDZS/the Untamed, Word of Honor RPF, and Our Flag Means Death. Ratings range from G to E.

I have these questions for readers:
- I'd always like feedback on flow and pacing, dialogue, emotional engagement (how well it gave you feels, and how it have done better in this respect), and how well the humour lands. Does anything feel draggy or boring?
- How well does the fic open? In the first 1-2 paragraphs, does it manage to catch the reader's interest, and how could it do so better?
- If you are comfortable in your knowledge of the characters, which parts did you find in character, and which less so? Does the narrative voice fit the character?
- For E rated fic, is the smut sexy, and are there ways it could be sexier/more satisfying/more integrated with the characters/relationships/etc? Are the emotional arcs/themes consistent throughout? Is the tension built up well all the way to a satisfying climax, or did some parts of it fall flat/take away from the sexiness of it?
- Which jokes are landing well, and which aren't? Which sentences/phrases are working well, and are there any that feel boring/clunky/unclear/trite?
- What's your general impression of the fic?

The style of feedback I prefer to receive is: Please focus on where I can improve - don't worry about sugarcoating your criticism

Comments to this post will be: Unscreened

Comments

[regshoe]

Hiya—I've sent my concrit on 'Five Kisses That Didn't Happen' by email. :)

And One That Could

[enisy]

I read "And One That Could" - I only know about Our Flag Means Death via osmosis, but I enjoyed it very much!

The opening line is a total banger: Ed is visited by Stede’s ghost two days after they find out that he’s dead. Definitely makes you want to keep reading! I also loved how you skipped the introduction but then filled in more details about the setting as you went along: Ed looking for comfort at the bottom of a bottle, Lucius's ghost "making snippy remarks at him from behind Fang or across Jim’s shoulder before vanishing out the nearest open door," Izzy "knowing better than to say the word 'dead' to him." A+ composition and pacing!

One part that I felt was kind of slow was:

“Nothing could have been worse than you leaving.” ... “Nothing could have been worse than you leaving me like that,” he repeats, a sharp, deliberate burst of pain, like lancing a festering boil.

This might be a personal preference, but I think the line would have been more impactful if you had had him speak it only once. I do love the "lancing a festering boil" simile, though!

Another bit that gave me pause was: “Oh, Ed,” says the ghost. ... The ghost winces too. “Oh, Ed,” it says in a small voice. The "Oh, Ed"s are only one paragraph apart - I would suggest cutting one of them, or if not, then rephrasing "says in a small voice" to "repeats in a small voice."

Again, this might be a stylistic difference, but I also wouldn't add a paragraph break after a line of dialogue if it's still the same character speaking, as a rule:

“I thought I’d ruin you, if I didn’t leave.”

And continues, nonsensically, “I’d already gotten you captured by the Navy, and almost executed, almost killed, I couldn’t stand the thought of…of anything worse happening to you because of me.”

I found your prose very original and engaging throughout, with distinctive expressions and a strong character voice. The only description that seemed somewhat generic was the kiss with the "warm breaths mingling" and the "best and worst dreams." On the other hand, I absolutely loved all of the following:
- “Ed, are you alright?” asks the ghost of Stede, while Ed tries his best to bury that thought at the bottom of the bottle. “Are you…are you wearing my wrapping gown?” Awwww and heeeee!
- “Why,” Ed enunciates, “aren’t you? What’s all this?” He waves irritably at the ghost, who's wearing a terribly un-Stede outfit; drab breeches with a plain white shirt, loose and sweat-stained and torn in places, opened halfway down its chest. Loved this description and the lead-up to it!
- It reaches out to stroke him across the cheek with a thumb that comes away wet and stained with black, and Ed flinches away from the startlingly solid touch. The finger coming away with an eyeliner stain is such a lovely detail!
- But now, faced with the actual ghost of Stede, it turns out that there’s only this one thing, this one question that’s been haunting him even more than all the fucking ghosts on this fucking ship. Wonderful line.
- “You should send Lucius’ ghost packing, send it off to doggie heaven or wherever, take over the haunting of this ship. It is your fucking ship. Not his.” The sense of entitlement over this ship haunting is both hilarious and touching.
- Ed feels a ghost of a touch on his chest, and looks down to see Stede running his fingers lightly along the edge of red silk, over his pounding heart. “Well,” says Stede, “it seems I never left.” 🥺

I actually looked up a couple of Ed/Stede MVs after finishing this. The feels were very effective indeed! Thank you for sharing, and I hope the feedback was helpful!

Re: And One That Could

[nonplussed]

Thank you for your concrit, that's helpful! I'll keep an eye out for repitition in my future fics! And on generic descriptions haha