Concrit for Ancslove

[ancslove]

I want to receive feedback by: A comment on this post, or on the individual works on AO3

 

Here are the works I want feedback on:  Anything on my AO3 is fair game!  archiveofourown.org/users/ancslove

 

My works' fandoms and content notes are:  I've mostly written in Buffy the Vampire Slayer/Angel, Les Miserables, Star Wars Original Trilogy and post-ROTJ Legends, Original Works, Ancient Greek Religion and Lore.  My fic can range from fluffy romance and smut, to gen angst, noncon, and dark themes.  All noncon and other dark themes are clearly tagged.

 

I have these questions for readers:  General impression?  Overall flow and pacing?  Emotional engagement and effectiveness of prose?  Does the ending feel earned, or too abrupt?  Is the smut sexy and/or emotional to you?

 

The style of feedback I prefer to receive is: I'd love to hear what worked for you, as well as where you think I can improve!  

 

Comments to this post will be: Unscreened

 

Comments

[thenewbuzwuzz]

For the reference of the mod and whom it may concern: I've posted my concrit in AO3 comments on "The Wrath of Thetis" and "Destiny".

[eglantiere]

!markdown
Hello! I focused on your SW OT fics, since anything Luke Skywalker is an automatic go for me, and in particular on *Recovery* and *A New Home*.

I liked the choice of the timeline for them, between the movies, when there's all this space and all the possibilities, and I loved the whumpy focus both for Leia and for Luke, and I loved the prose: it felt clean, economic and effective to me, suited to the characters, specific where it's needed, with enough action and enough introspective self-reflection from the characters to balance itself out.

In *A New Home*, I especially appreciated the emotional turmoil of Leia's situation - I've not thought about it this way, but it *must* have been a harsh transition, from a young figurehead to an active player, and she indeed would've had to fight for it, tooth and nail! *Trotted out only when the Alliance needed a martyred princess to display* is a very good line, sharp and aching.

The juxtaposition of people not seeing her, or seeing this or that aspect of her - the Princess, her father's daughter (with a little ironic undercurrent for the reader, instead of the character, of her being a very different father's daughter too, and a lot of people are going to have trouble with this) - and Luke being here for her, straightforwardly and cleanly, and just with what she needs.

I liked the idea of him showing off his sandracer chops and taking her out on the bike, and the sensory details of the contrast between the wind blowing her concerns out of her and the warmth of Luke's she's literally curling into - yesss very good. The idea of Luke being her - reward, trade-off, benediction - for what she's suffered during the fall of Alderaan is a really great image (and it also provides the fic with a hint of an earthier, heavier underbelly: she doesn't want to relinquish him, but it's a steep, steep price for a brother, or a lover.)

And then there's a great little dynamic slice where she *can* fall apart about Luke, because Luke is neither going to judge nor will try to solve the problem for her, and she can cry to her heart's content, and then get up and get going. (And in the section there's the same undercurrent verbalized, and I like how this thread echoes through: Dantooine is beautiful but it's a trade off for Aldreaan; other's people peace is bought with her homeland, and the bargaining is still going; she got Luke, but she lost everything else.)

The makeout session is sweet and gentle (and the incest hints nice and precise - I wonder if the 'mutual, unspoken assent' is the Force having an opinion) - and the ending line really *works*, with Leia stating her claim, accepting her bargains, moving on.

And for *Recovery* I could say the same re: the prose, which has a very nice and lovely rhythm, and Lando sounds very much like himself (and unlike Leia) even in third person POV, and also I'm biased because this relationship and this specific moment - of Lando guiding exhausting, trembling Luke within the Falcon - has sailed a strong ship… And I like how you write Luke here - he's at his personal nadir, absolutely spent and gutted, but he's starting to show the Jedi Knight resolve and backbone that's going to lead to this nifty black ensemble and grand entrance in TROJ.

(Separately appreciated: Lando's youthful Jedi-crush that he's clearly going to put to full use once Luke is out and about.)

But in contrast with *A New Home*, what I would suggest for this story is that finding a strong focal point for it would make it clearer and more effective. In *A New Home*, the focus is Leia's emotional state and her feelings on the various tradeoffs of her life, and they're explored fully. Here, I think it wavers between being about Lando and his mixed feelings re: Bespin and Rebels, or being about Luke and whump, and would've benefitted from focusing in a stronger way on one or another. This is to say, if it's about Lando, then I would've unfolded *That one word opened the floodgates* paragraph instead of summarizing it, and given Lando an opportunity to say out loud what he's looking for from Luke: absolution? Promises? A witness to his bitterness over losing his respectable life? - and for Luke to connect with him over it, in whatever way.

And if it's about Luke and Luke hurt/comfort and Lando being a sort of lovingly voyeristic viewpoint for the reader (as one does! man but this movie was good for Luke whump), then maybe exaggerating or sharpening this part (Luke needing hands-on help, or having a fever, or clinging to Lando while confusing him with somebody else, or being, instead, stoic and miserable), and adding more sensory details would've made it more satisfying.

Obviously it's not an invitation to touch a perfectly good and well-received story from 2017 :D but I think that might be a useful trick in general, for shorter stories: figuring out the emotional focal point of the fic and then building the rest around it, and the closer something is to this focal point, the better it should be seen. I hope it's a helpful idea.

Thank you for your lovely fic! It's been a while since I had a good SW OT experience, and I was absolutely happy to read about Luke and Leia and Lando and enjoy their company once again.