Concrit for adriennefae
Jun. 30th, 2022 04:23 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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concrit_xI want to receive feedback by : Email or comment on my post in this community
Here are the works I want feedback on (optional: and my safe works are...):
Any of the works on this filtered list.
My works' fandoms and content notes are: Mostly Star Trek Discovery and The Expanse, though there are a couple of other things in the mix too. They range from 1k to 5.5k in terms of word count. Everything on the filtered list is F/F. Most of it is rated T, but there are a couple of M-rated stories too. They're all either No Warnings Apply or CNTW, with the latter usually meaning the story deals with either temporary or canonical character death. A lot of the fics deal with subject matter like trauma, grief, etc.
I have these questions for readers:
-If you know the fandom, do the characters seem IC? Whether you know the characters or not, do you feel like they are internally consistent within the story and that you get a good sense of who they are?
-Is the main relationship believable to you? Do the characters' attraction to/feelings about each other come across well? Do the characters' emotions come across well in general?
-Do you feel there is a good balance of description to dialogue to inner monologue/introspection to narration?
-Does the dialogue flow well? Does the story flow well in general?
-Do any parts not make sense?
-Does the beginning draw you in? Does the ending work for you?
-Is there anything else you particularly liked or disliked?
-Feedback on tags/titles/summaries also welcome.
The style of feedback I prefer to receive is: I'd like to hear both things you liked and things you didn't. Feel free to be direct.
Comments to this post will be: unscreened
Here are the works I want feedback on (optional: and my safe works are...):
Any of the works on this filtered list.
My works' fandoms and content notes are: Mostly Star Trek Discovery and The Expanse, though there are a couple of other things in the mix too. They range from 1k to 5.5k in terms of word count. Everything on the filtered list is F/F. Most of it is rated T, but there are a couple of M-rated stories too. They're all either No Warnings Apply or CNTW, with the latter usually meaning the story deals with either temporary or canonical character death. A lot of the fics deal with subject matter like trauma, grief, etc.
I have these questions for readers:
-If you know the fandom, do the characters seem IC? Whether you know the characters or not, do you feel like they are internally consistent within the story and that you get a good sense of who they are?
-Is the main relationship believable to you? Do the characters' attraction to/feelings about each other come across well? Do the characters' emotions come across well in general?
-Do you feel there is a good balance of description to dialogue to inner monologue/introspection to narration?
-Does the dialogue flow well? Does the story flow well in general?
-Do any parts not make sense?
-Does the beginning draw you in? Does the ending work for you?
-Is there anything else you particularly liked or disliked?
-Feedback on tags/titles/summaries also welcome.
The style of feedback I prefer to receive is: I'd like to hear both things you liked and things you didn't. Feel free to be direct.
Comments to this post will be: unscreened
no subject
Date: 2022-07-18 07:34 pm (UTC)First, her rightful place. It was a clear, interesting look into Mirror Detmer’s psychology and the Mirrorverse’ twisted logic. Personally I would have used one or two tags to indicate it’s a character study, but it’s a matter of preference.
The characterization worked well with what we see on the show and it builds up on that very naturally. Her mix of admiration, fear, and desire for Mirror Burnham also comes through very clearly.
The beginning
In a way, it would not have been unexpected had Detmer killed Burnham herself.
Was striking and sets the tone for the Mirrorverse very efficiently. It also brings up the themes of the story (conflicted loyalty and the brutality of the Mirrorverse) quickly. It primes the reader.
Then the backstory, with the hints of young Detmer, reinforces that impression. When Burnham enters the scene, we’re primed to read that relationship in light of the tone the beginning has set.
The way one never knew what to expect with her, how she could suddenly shift from ordering a prisoner to the agonizer to throwing Detmer against the wall, leaving bite marks on her neck, shoving her to her knees. The way she cried out in shameless pleasure as she rode Detmer’s face, as Detmer smirked against Burnham’s cunt, knowing she was the reason for her captain’s unrestrained moans.
The flow to this moment really worked for me. Like it’s inevitable in a way. The flash of sensual detail and physicality works well, but I think I would have liked to see more of it across the fic. Not exactly actions or dialogue — but at times the introspective tone becomes a bit too distant.
Or at least she’d used to do those things.
A great line that pivots the fic into a different direction. You really know when to deploy this type of short, blunt line without having it come off as force or clichéd
She knew she was lucky to have her life, let alone her rank, when the Emperor had thought herself so thorough at rounding up the traitors. The truth, Detmer had realized, was that alone, she was useless. Unable to carry out what she and Burnham and the others had planned together. Perhaps the Emperor had seen that all along.
Really loved this insight into her head, this bitter realization of her own weakness.
She would find the way forward. She always did. She would burn ten thousand ships for Michael Burnham, if that was what Burnham would have wanted--and of course, Detmer knew it was.
Good, foreboding ending, but I think it could be tightened a bit.
The other one I read was never alone because OwoDetmer, yay!
Every day since Joann had joined Starfleet had been a day on which she had learned something new.
A great opening line that reminds us that Starfleet officers are first and foremost nerds that want to see new things. Then the next paragraphs bring home how fascinated she is by Zora and her growth, and how accepting she is of Zora’s newfound sentience.
I love how early on you establish Keyla and Joann’s mutual trust. That’s something I really like about their relationship: they know and support each other, but without letting the other get away with bullshit. It’s a huge part of the appeal of the ship to me. So I think they’re very IC and the established relationship works perfectly well with what we see of them in canon.
The conversation between them also really worked for me in terms of characterization: the push-and-pull, the conflict that they don’t shy away from but that never boils over to actual hurt. I think varying the sentence structure a bit more could’ve made it stronger. Like I mentioned with the other fic, a bit more sensory detail could ground the discussion more. Sometimes it’s all too much talking and thinking.
“But, like, why, though?” Keyla said, flopping backwards onto the bed. “Do I really have to?”
This is such a Detmer thing to say. I snorted out loud.
When we move to Zora’s POV, it’s not jarring as it could be and I really love the final line. It’s not just very much in line with the fic; it’s also very much in line with Star Trek in general and Disco in particular.
I just love your work a lot! I think it flows very well and that it has great insights about canon and the characters. It expands canon in very natural, believable ways.
undone
Date: 2022-07-24 09:07 pm (UTC)I really liked both of the protagonists. The opening scene, with Amelia laid out on a medical table and Sarah cutting her open, already sets the tone for their relationship, and no amount of hair-braiding or wedding memories seems to offset it, in the reader's mind or in Amelia's. I found this sentence very evocative of Amelia's mental state: Amelia had found that even a lot of things she did remember felt a bit like they’d happened to someone else. Everything we learn about her later seems to vindicate her on that point! I also loved this passage about Sarah: Sarah's dedication to her life's work just one more thing Amelia loved about her. Before Amelia had found herself on the other side of it. You do a great job of balancing Sarah's scientific detachment, even ruthlessness, with her genuine love for Amelia.
The story covered a lot of ground, which I appreciated, and I thought it was well-paced. There were only two parts that gave me pause:
- One was the transition from “And you needed me for that. That has never been more clear.” to the creature sanctuary. I did not get the sense that the argument after the marriage proposal was a breaking point for Amelia - even upon reread, it does not feel any worse than their previous arguments. Maybe an extra sentence after Amelia's parting words would have made this clearer.
- The second part that seemed kind of abrupt was the last scene, as it involves another timeskip and cuts straight to the chase, without giving readers a moment to get their bearings. An extra sentence early on in the scene that allows us to place the scene temporally would help a lot, I rekon.
The description-to-dialogue ratio was good throughout: the story was very easy and pleasant to read, with a lot of variation. I loved the POV characters' emotional honesty and how weighty and earned the angst was. I thiiiiiink I would have appreciated some more description in the ending, after “I can’t pretend none of it ever happened.” Sarah and Rose's final exchange goes by very quickly, and it is not 100% clear what they are feeling from the dialogue alone. Some more facial expressions or inner monologue would not have gone amiss there, I feel.
Nitpicks:
- I loved the creatures, but they kinda caught me off guard; I thought we were dealing with a pure sci-fi setting until 1/3 into the story, when the creatures pitched it into sci-fi fantasy. Perhaps there is space in the opening scene for some foreshadowing.
- The switch to Sarah's POV (And then came the day Sarah found her bent over the sink, shaking with sobs) isn't really signposted. Normally I would expect some divider other than <*hr>, or even a second chapter?
More parts I loved:
- Sarah recalling Amelia's scar and SLICING A NEW ONE INTO HER FOREHEAD! This was so beautifully dark and subversive - in most stories with this premise, the ex-lover obsesses over the missing scar and how it sets this new person apart from their beloved, but Sarah is determined to remake Amelia from the get-go, no substitutions allowed! It's impressive how much of the story's central conflict is captured in the opening scene already.
- That unexpected, lonely image of "Amelia curled in the dark closet, stroking a feathery head."
- The marriage proposal - it felt so delicate and so significant.
- Sarah respectfully referring to her co-protagonist as "Rose" in her internal POV, after Amelia changes her name.
- The guild's putative whispers: Incredible woman, Sarah Simmons. Brilliant mind, of course. Until, you know, she lost it. After her wife--horrible, of course, tragic. Gruesome, so I’ve heard. She was never the same since--and who’s this with her now, who’s this by her side, what has she done- I love seeing screwed-up ships from an outsider's POV. This is Amelia's perception of their perception, of course, but I imagine she isn't too far off the mark.
I hope this feedback was useful and answered some of your questions! I really enjoyed the story - thank you for sharing it!