Concrit for Rabscuttle

[rabscuttle]

I want to receive feedback by: Comment on this post, email (rabscuttlerabscuttle@gmail.com), or DW PM

Here are the works I want feedback on / My works' fandoms and content notes are / I have these questions for readers:

This is the work I would most like feedback on:
Watership Down coffee shop AU
Fandom: Watership Down, coffee shop AU
Rating: G
Relationships: none
Word count: ~5.5k and ongoing.
Notes: Lighthearted/crack, no additional content notes. No need to know the fandom but if you do that's great :)

- Looking for feedback on flow and pacing, dialogue, worldbuilding, character/relationship development, and entertainment value.
- Any particular impressions of the main characters? Any side characters or arcs you found memorable, either positively or negatively?


If you prefer to look at something else:
sunfall
Fandom: Final Fantasy XV
Rating: G
Relationships: Gilgamesh/Ardyn (M/M, very light and readable as gen)
Word count: 3.8K over 6 ficlets
Notes: Ficlet collection for a ship week, contains mentioned non-permanent character death. No need to know the fandom but if you do that's great :)

- Looking for line-level concrit on flow, word choice and emotional nuance (any awkward or odd phrasing? what feelings come across, and are they too melodramatic or not strong enough?)
- Which of the stories worked and which less well? Was that because of the writing style, the subject matter, or something else?

I would prefer gentle (5) or direct (1) feedback, or something in between: Preference for direct but will welcome any level you're comfortable giving!

Comments are unscreened.

Comments

[lirin_lirilla]

Here's some thoughts on your Watership Down coffee shop AU! It's been years since I last read Watership Down, so I'd hoped to reread it this last week, but I ran a bit short of time. So I read Part 1 last night, and then I looked over the wiki to remind myself what else happens. So that's the level of canon familiarity that I'm coming at this from!

Flow and pacing: The story definitely feels like it was written in snippets. Which is not a bad thing, but it's the thing that has the biggest effect on its pacing. It's very stop-and-go, where we're being tossed into a situation and then that situation is wrapped up within that section, and then we're tossed into a different situation that arose later. Again, it's a legitimate story-telling choice that works fine, but flow-wise it's a bit uneven.

Dialogue: Didn't stand out much to me either positively or negatively. It feels like real people talking, so that's good. You use a lot of ellipses in your dialogue, and I wonder if they would be more effective/have more of an impact if you used fewer of them; there's sometimes where I was wondering why you used an ellipsis instead of just a period. (While with others, it was very clear why you used an ellipsis and a period wouldn't have had the same effect.)

Worldbuilding:

So you don't introduce Efrafabucks until they go there (in #3 + last line of #2), and I ended up being a bit confused on my first read-through—first, I assumed that Bigwig's offer of coffee meant at the stand and it took me a bit of backtracking to figure out that they were someplace else; and then once I figured all that out, I was trying to figure out the geography of the two locations. I think mentioning Efrafabucks in #1 or earlier in #2 and explaining where it is (basically what you did with the "It's closer..." line but before the reader has a mental picture in place instead of after) would have helped me as a reader, since a lot of the story focuses on the faceoff between these two locations. It doesn't matter as much once Silflay moves into the store space, which I did have a clear picture of where it was in relationship to Efrafabucks.

I would have liked a bit more explanation of what Lapine is in this AU. You bring it in out of nowhere with "I didn't realize you spoke Lapine?" and I can't really tell what the significance of Hazel speaking it and Bigwig not—is it a minority language in their area? Does it actually have anything to do with rabbits? Also there's the fact that everybody's got their names (that were Lapine in the book so I kind of assume they're Lapine here but I don't know) plus their nicknames and between that and the fact that some people have trouble pronouncing others' names (Prof. Threar for Hazel Rue, I had the impression that was part of Bigwig's trouble with Fiver's name) I'm getting the impression that Hazel & Fiver & not sure who else are from a minority group that speaks Lapine and Bigwig isn't. Which puts some layers on Hazel's question about Bigwig speaking Lapine that I'm not sure if they're intended to be there.

Character/relationship development: I feel like this is one of the things that is suffering a bit from the snippet style. Since each snippet has to have something going on that is wrapped up within that short portion of time, I think this is limiting the amount of space for character/relationship development. On the spectrum from plot-driven to character-driven, it feels like it's more on the plot side, but I'd prefer it to be more on the characters side since the plot is just about coffee shops while the characters are where a lot of the interesting incorporation of Watership Down is. Frankly the plot feels a bit aimless to me. The only character I feel like we see development in is Bigwig, who has started to get more interested in the idea of running a business than he was at the beginning. Since all the other characters are filtered through his eyes, we would need him to be paying more attention to them than he has the opportunity to do in these short snippets. I'm not sure whether Hazel's gone through a bit of character development or whether it's just that Bigwig's gotten to know him better, but I'm leaning towards the latter. Hazel mostly just seems to be focusing throughout on his chance at a startup.

Entertainment value: I definitely found it entertaining! You've found some clever ways to incorporate the different Watership Down characters. I always like when an AU puts a lot of thought into how the characters would transfer to the new environment while still being recognizably themselves, and this AU does a really good job of doing that! I think that's where I'm finding most of the entertainment value, though; other than that it's a pretty basic coffee shop story without much of a hook. I read the first couple sections before I reread any of the book to see what I thought of it canon-blind, and I wasn't particularly drawn in.

Any particular impressions of the main characters?:

I mentioned above that Hazel mainly seems to be focusing on having the chance at a startup. I wish there was more of what makes Hazel click with Bigwig (is it just because he thinks Bigwig's coffee stand is his chance, or is there anything about Bigwig as a person?), and coming from the book I am missing the relationship between Hazel & Fiver—I feel like that's a big piece of the book that is completely absent here (unless Fiver's the one who's been telling Hazel behind the scenes to co-opt the coffee stand?).

I don't get enough of a feel for Bigwig as a person as opposed to as the main character who's doing whatever comes next in the story. We don't see him doing any sports stuff despite that apparently being something he cares about enough to major in it/want to spend his life doing it until he took that right turn into running a coffee shop. He seems to like Hazel, and he's friends with Holly, and despite him being the POV character of the story, I don't know that much more about him.

Any side characters or arcs you found memorable, either positively or negatively?:

As for arcs, "Cowslip and questionable food safety" was memorable, probably because it involved the most non-coffee shop action and that made it stand out among the what-will-happen-next-with-their-coffee-stand proceedings. I liked that it gave Bigwig & Hazel a chance to interact more directly; so often in the rest of the fic it's more like they're mutually interacting with the coffee stand than interacting directly with each other.

Character-wise, Blackberry's one of my faves from the book, and I enjoyed how you put him in charge of spreadsheets, and how they eventually "[grew] to occupy three sheets and more than ten colors"! :-) Selfishly, I would have liked to see both him and Fiver get more to do, but of course this piece is so short that you can't afford much time for side characters if Bigwig and Hazel are going to continue getting enough to do. Though as you continue, more side details (like Blackberry's spreadsheets) for the side characters would give the worldbuilding more depth without taking much time away from the main characters.


This was a really fun and clever AU! I hope I came up with some helpful things to say about it!

[cordialcount]

Hello! In the spirit of directness, I wanted to say first that your fics were lovely. I dug much harder than I usually would on fic in the wild for critical feedback, and hope it doesn't obscure that I really liked both of them.

Silflay AU

This was very fun! Your sense of comic timing is excellent, and I loved how you weaved character details into the banter. I enjoyed how the ensemble's characters and dialogue played off Bigwig's more direct/laconic approach. The most memorable side characters were Hyzenthlay ("If it's up to me to say? Run, Bigwig."), Cowslip, and Vervain ("Or would a repeat help?"), but everyone had distinct voices I liked.

Your humor felt affectionate and warm to me: not aimed at making readers fall out of their chairs, but tonally consistent, and like sitting the whole time in the sun. Part of my impression was that the pacing of the narration seemed more measured than the dialogue's, although I'm afraid I can't articulate why. Maybe the frequent use of colons, [clause, and another clause] constructions, and one-sentence paragraphs, I associate with a more dramatic/emotionally driven style?

I'm not familiar with Watership Down (other than some googling) and not a frequent consumer of coffee shops (real or fictional), so some of the comedy/fannish delight of reinterpreting what seems to be a very dark narrative in this lighter context probably went over my head, sorry.

sunfall

This was very cleanly written and well-characterized! Your prose was smooth, clearly phrased, and easy to visualize, and I paused much less often due to awkward phrasing than on average.

If asked for a negative, I would describe your style as non-risky: the characters' feelings in each scene and your choices of metaphor/simile were almost exactly what I expected from seeing Gilgamesh/Ardyn + the prompts. Please don't take this to mean the fic is tropey or cliched--it isn't!--just that it seemed to sidestep details that could be polarizing for the reader. The effect is almost mythic. It swept me along and overall the fic was a pleasure to read, but also makes it difficult to pinpoint something especially striking.

It also made Gilgamesh feel kind of opaque to me. While Ardyn is capital letters A Character and you capture his idiosyncrasies beautifully, Gil's PoV felt more restricted to his reactions to and thoughts about Ardyn. For example, Gil's background is thin; I think it's totally valid not to make it a big part of the fic and Gil does imply it was boring to him, but seeing how his experiences affected how he feels about himself and Ardyn now or how he navigates Eos would have elevated the fic for me. If one of the fic's thematic goals was to emphasize the confinement of Gil's social/self-assigned role, this could be highlighted more strongly by the narrative or by giving him more interiority. If not, I think FFXV's vagueness (this fandom rarely treats Word of God with the reverence the term implies, haha) provides an opportunity to lean into a more distinct take.

Some line reactions:

The atmosphere is gloomy and Ardyn makes no move to try to lighten it as he usually does.

This is a place where more specific detail, e.g. how Gil reads the room or what he expected from Ardyn, would have really worked for me, to demonstrate (respectively) Gil's character through his observational focus or how much of a bond Gil's formed with Ardyn.

face turned to the sunfall in mid-afternoon where deep blue turned to red over the horizon

This use of antanaclasis tripped me up because of the vertical turn implied in the first use and horizontal implied in the second (although I absolutely love the image painted by "sunfall" in this fic!).

So he had watched Ardyn wrap himself in layers of clothing so as to not cause undue panic by his appearance

This clothing remark is a delight and also an oh no.

It is not Gil's place to hope

I wasn't sure whether this was about Gil's personality or how much power Gil thinks he has in the Ardyn situation, but either way, D:

He yells for Ardyn again, and gets in response the telltale crystalline snick of Ardyn's magic-- only then does he thinks to look up and instantly he spots the flash of sunlight against metal

"Telltale crystalline snick" is a fantastic description! I could instantly hear it. I also appreciated Gil not having developed the instinct to look up yet, as it deftly expresses how long (not) Gil and Ardyn have been traveling together.

So Gil just turns his back to the waterfall and waits, counting under his breath, and is satisfied when he hears a loud thud behind him followed by Ardyn's soft cursing.

I love this! It's a nice character note for both of them.

Ardyn is always ill the day before they leave town

This was a little confusing because it sounded like ("passing through Coernix") this is set the day after they leave town?

From the author's note: he goes to bargain with/threaten the gods

Not a critique, just a neutral comment: the brief, resigned prayer in the fic wasn't what I expected from "bargaining/threatening", although Perhaps they do not know what they are doing, either. had a lovely matter-of-fact bitterness.

in his indirect field of vision he sees the mask of skin slip from Ardyn's face

"he sees" feels out of place here, maybe "in his indirect field of vision, the mask of skin slips from Ardyn's face"?

"I have lost my flesh and soon I will lose my mind," the thing in Ardyn's shape says.
"Dark places," Ardyn-thing says.

I love the use of "thing" here, especially how it's contracted the second time, and your Ardyn voice feels very true across this chapter.

In the blazing desert heat the man is wearing pinstriped trousers and a mismatched dress shirt beneath a heavy-looking vest, and a wide hat perched at a jaunty angle at his head. / In short, he looks nothing like a king.

This description was great! I personally (not at all objectively!) think the inclusion of the "In short" line weakens it, however, compared to letting that description stand on its own.

falling away like light through glass even as he reaches for them. It is like waking from a very, very long dream.

This is gorgeous and feels very appropriate for the canon.

Gil's suit of armor falls to the ground, no longer animated by a spirit.

!!!

"you're the first person to call me that."

I think this works well thematically, but it didn't quite gel literally as Ardyn was king before his Gil adventures (as Somnus acknowledged), so wouldn't his subjects have called him Your Majesty before? If Ardyn had chosen a subjective description like "truest", "best", etc. the impact would have worked for me.

A couple typos:

and the desert that even now to stretch out into eternity

He opens his eyes and the room is colder than it usually is, the window is open with a night breeze making the curtain billow and Ardyn Izunia of all people is sitting on his windowsill, legs dangling into the room "Surprise," he says, voice lively but there is no twinkle in his eye as there used to be.

A couple cases where I might have swapped a comma for a semicolon, or vice versa:

A quirked smile, the angle of it is wrong.

Gil stays by his side; sponges his clammy skin with a cool damp cloth...

He walks through the Citadel and he can feel the sun warm his skin again, the Oracle's sigils no longer burn his flesh