Concrit for Snowshus

[snowshus]

I want to receive feedback by: Comments to my DW post to this community or email: Shufics@gmail.com

Here are the works I want feedback on : https://archiveofourown.org/users/snowshus/works
(anything from the past 5 years)

My works' fandoms and content notes are: viewable on AO3

I have these questions for readers: I'm more interested in overaching question about plot structure/pacing/etc and character's overall arches. If plots move fluidly and have satisfying conclusions, if character's choices make sense and feel consistent within the story.

I would prefer gentle (5) or direct (1) feedback, or something in between: 1-2

Comments

[htbthomas]

Blot Out the Stars - https://archiveofourown.org/works/18120569 - Super Powereds - Drew Hayes

I'm choosing the fic that interested me the most to talk about first - because I'm a big fan of the Super Powereds series and really haven't read any fic for it until yours!

Because I am not sure what the prompt that inspired the fic is, I may say things that contradict it. I apologize if that's the case.

Graham DeSoto’s first child is born with stars in her eyes, quite literally. Rose’s eyes are black all through with small bright points of light that form her iris. The light begins to leak out of her when she is seven, a low constant glow all around her. They work everyday on controlling it, on bringing the light in and holding it inside where no one can see it but it never seems to work. She just glows and glows, every year getting brighter and brighter until Graham cannot look at her without sunglasses, by the time she is sixteen even those aren’t enough.

I like the opening paragraph. It sets up the personal nature of why he chose to form the DVA.

Across the country a darkness spreads, fueled by the words “just try harder.”

I feel like this sentence doesn't stand well on its own. I got stuck on the words "just try harder." - what does that mean? You go on to explain the first Powered incident Graham has to deal with, but "trying" doesn't seem to fit.

I would have liked to see a more active scene, of Graham discovering Susanne amidst her loss of control, him realizing what he has to do, etc. This version is too much tell and not show, a condensed summary, like the report he made afterward.

Graham gets home and his eyes automatically go to Rose’s room and the ever-present white light that seeps through the cracks in the blinds. He almost leaves again. How can he go home to his family after this? He feels sick, his stomach twists and turns and he finds himself dry heaving in the daisies. He hasn’t done that in ages, hasn’t been bothered by the things he has had to do since his first taste of what real war was.

This is another paragraph I would have liked to see expanded and made more active - both physically and mentally. Maybe describe his reactions step by step as he arrives home. Maybe he sees Rose's and Susanne's faces in his mind's eye thinks what it would be like for his own daughter to be eliminated the same way.

He’d killed himself by the time Captain Starlight could get there. His body still crackled with electricity for hours afterwards.

This scene would also be improved with more active elements. Show him approaching with trepidation - seeing the sparks from afar. Aware that he might have to put the man down but wanting to avoid it with every step closer he takes, then the disappointment mixed with relief as he sees the man is already dead, but he didn't have to do it himself.

Graham responded to incident after incident-all different powers, all different levels of destruction, all claiming they can’t stop it, they can’t control it.

More short examples might be nice here.

Graham is feeling less and less like the hero he was trying to create when he began this thing. His daughter never leaves the house except dressed in layers and layers of the thickest black cloth they can find and even with the protections her light still manages to leak out through the stitching. She reads Jane Eyre alone in her room for the seventh time by Graham’s count. He wonders if she sees herself in the character of the wife, kept locked out of sight in the attic, while her perfectly ordinary, mundanely human baby brother gets to have everything she is denied. He wonders if that makes him Rochester, keeping her hidden along with his inability to do anything to fix her. He always hated Rochester.

I liked this paragraph - a nice specific touch about Jane Eyre and Rochester.

Then comes the first nullifier. She isn’t a hero, she would never have made it through the rigorous training. She would never have passed a simple police academy personality screening. They use her anyway. How can they not? She changes everything. The success rate for the Heroes was getting better, they had to resort to the lethal option less and less but it was still imperfect, it was still not good enough. With her there is never a need to take the lethal option.

Here I would have liked a scene where he meets her for the first time and experiences her nullifying powers for himself.

As an ending - I'd love to see Rose and her story brought back again for a full circle effect. Did she live out the rest of her life wrapped in black bandages? Did The Company eventually come for her?

So to summarize, the pacing dragged because there were too many walls of text and description, too many times when something is described or explained, rather that being experienced in the moment. There were some nice character touches, but I wanted to see him experience things in the moment. Graham's character arc made sense - a Powered daughter causes him to form the DVA - but I never really felt for him.

====

Ring of Fire - https://archiveofourown.org/works/19054678 - Spider-Man, Fantastic Four (Comicverse) AU - Peter/Johnny

The other work I chose because I love Peter Parker, and I enjoy fics about him and Johnny. The AU was interesting to me as well!

I don't have much to say point-by-point, because I think this story worked very well. It had lots of action and lots of great character moments. I really felt for Peter, and understood where Johnny was coming from. Both characters were believable and acted in ways that made sense both for the story, and for their characters. Great pacing, too. You didn't let the plot get bogged down with too much description of events - the events happened in the moment. And your dialogue was fun, quippy and relatable. I also thought you handled the POV switches well. Finally, the action sequences were fun and kept the story moving along. My only minor quibble was that I would have liked the romantic culmination (with the kiss) to go on a bit longer. It seemed to stop too soon, and I was a bit unsatisfied.

A final note - there were quite a few minor typos and grammatical errors sprinkled through both fics. I didn't notice a beta credited on either one, so you should consider at least getting at least a SPAG beta to help with those.

[snowshus]

thanks! The super powered one was a last minute pinch hit so i think some of the issues are just symptoms of being rushed, but I think keeping an eye on where I could expand from summery to scene in future fic is a good thing to keep in mind. I'll definitely start working on my romantic culminations (someone mentioned feeling like the romantic finale of a different fic ended abruptly and two times is definitely a pattern that I'll need to work on).

[farla]

Reprieve

In terms of pacing, this has a good flow throughout and I felt it came to a nice ending, except I think the bit confirming the relationship could've used more time/grounding in how it fits in with the rest of the family.

Depending on exactly how drugged up Klaus is, Ben might appear, but, unlike when Klaus’ showers alone, he’ll pull his hood down and look away from them. sets things up very nicely, and the dynamic between Klaus and Diego feels accurate to the two of them - particularly liked that it's both Klaus initiating and Klaus ending it, which is both how I would expect things to go and avoids the question of if Diego is taking advantage of him. But since the show was willing to openly acknowledge an incestuous pairing between a different set of the family, it feels like this would be brought up openly by the others as well, so I think it would be stronger with a bit more explanation on how this fits into canon because this doesn't feel the same as it would in a canon that never broached the subject at all. Maybe they're doing a better job of keeping this secret (wholly believable given the fic makes it clear the rest of the siblings aren't having much to do with Klaus and they're being less weird about it) or the others feel worse about bringing it up to make fun of them (also wholly believable given Luther and Allison have it more together so poking this is less mean) or a mention that the others do know and what their opinions are.

You've got a number of grammar issues - when Klaus’ showers alone and it’s usual pinched line both shouldn't have the apostrophe, His towels are stiff and course should be "coarse", and dialogue punctuation/capitalization rules.

[snowshus]

thanks, I'll keep that in mind!

[adriennefae]

The story of yours that I decided to give feedback to was Six.

-I really liked the overall story of this. I thought the plot was well structured, and the pacing was good for most of it, but there were some parts that I felt should have had more detail or more time devoted to them that were glossed over a bit, with too much telling and not enough showing.
-”“Hello, I’m looking for a Joyce…” There’s a pause and Joyce can hear the shuffling of papers, a thud and a distant “shit” before the voice continues “Dane?”” I like this line, it’s a nice bit of detail to add.
-”Rachel Branch’s office is a bit of mess. Old take out boxes are piled in and near the trash and stacks of newspaper clippings, books of neurology, and photocopies of scientific publications dating back to the fifties cover every inch of the desk. Strewn across the papers, are photographs mostly of people Joyce doesn’t recognize, but there’s two that stand out. One is a picture of her. It’s paper clipped to a folder with #6 written on it. The second is a picture of her parents with the much younger but still familiar face of the man who made her life a living hell last year.” Good descriptive detail. I think you’ve got a good balance of descriptive bits like this when it comes to the external environment.
-There are, however, a lot of parts where it seems like you’re just straightforwardly narrating things that happen without going into much about how Joyce is feeling or experiencing any of it. While I don’t know this canon well enough to really tell you if she’s in character or not, the way you’ve written this sometimes makes it hard to tell much about who she is as a character in general.
-”she wakes up feeling human again in a normal bed in her aunt’s house in Hawkins, Indiana”--what is normal about the bed? What does it mean for her to be “feeling human again”?
-During the initial conversation between Joyce and Rachel on the phone, you start out including information surrounding the lines of dialogue about how the characters are reacting--the shuffling of papers, Joyce almost dropping the phone in shock--which I liked, but then that kind of disappears after the first few lines of the exchange. The same is true of the second conversation between them in Rachel’s office--whatever Joyce is feeling isn’t always coming through. It doesn't necessarily have to be physical actions like the examples I mentioned, it could also be saying what Joyce is thinking or feeling in response to something Rachel said, describing a facial expression Rachel makes during their in-person conversation, or mentioning that there was a pause at some point if it seems to fit.
-”Joyce freezes. She’s never been a great liar but she agreed to silence in exchange for her son. The Hawkins Research Lab is gone now and she’s not sure if the deal they struck still stands. In addition she doesn’t who may or may not still be after Jane and what force they might bring if she lets anything slip.” This is one of the straightforwardly-narrating parts I was thinking of earlier, where you’ve kind of just stated several things that are relevant to the situation but not really connected much emotion to it.
-I like the part where Joyce is trying to figure out if maybe she really does have something strange about her--how she feels kind of silly trying to “open her mind”, until suddenly she finds herself somewhere else. The fact that she just starts matter-of-fact-ly getting herself some clothes and looking around is interesting--it suggests she’s curious and adaptable and maybe on some level not as surprised by this as she was expecting to be, which makes sense considering what she’s about to learn about herself.
-And then it turns out she went back in time, and she was the one who freed herself from this facility as a kid--I love that! I do think that sequence could have done with some more detail, you seem to skip over a big chunk of time--does young Joyce react to seeing her older self, since you mentioned her opening her eyes? Does older Joyce have to come up with some sort of explanation for her younger self? Do they talk at all? Does older Joyce suddenly find herself remembering more things from her past? I would have liked either some kind of interaction between them, however brief, or else having it be clear from description that young Joyce is unconscious or otherwise totally out of it (and either way, more about how older Joyce feels about all this)
-There are some typos and SPAG errors--I’m not sure if you want me to point those out but getting a beta for that sort of thing might help

[(Anonymous)]

Thanks for reading this! Sorry it took me so long to respond. Those are some really good points about not glossing over into narration and I'll keep them in mind going forward! Thank you so much for taking the time to do this for me!

[snowshus]

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