Concrit for anticyclone

[anti_cyclone]

I want to receive feedback by: -Comment on my DW post in this community

Here are the works I want feedback on (optional: and my safe works are...):
- Anything from 2018-now, except 4 specific works (below): AO3 filtered for 2018-now
- safe works: It's (Redundantly) a Dark Night, Watch Where You're Going, Wrong Turn, You Like Despairing

My works' fandoms and content notes are:
- Fandoms: Mostly Good Omens, plus some original works, some Ilona Andrews fantasy book series, and some The Bright Sessions podcast
- Content notes: Some are explicit but not most. Most are No Archive Warnings Apply, but some are non-con or CNTW for consent issues. I can answer more specific questions about the CNTW fics (or any fic) if desired.

I have these questions for readers:
Your general impressions would be great! Feedback on any of these questions would also be helpful, if you would like a specific jumping off point.
- General questions: Does the ending feel like it pays off? Are emotions communicated well? (Ex. does it actually feel like the characters are pining.) How is the pacing?
- Original work: How is the worldbuilding? Interesting, consistent, over- or under-communicated, etc.?
- Smut: What contributed to a smut scene being hot? Anything that felt lacking? Or, how was the description vs. dialogue ratio?
- Non-con/consent issues: What made the villain effective or could make the villain more sinister/threatening?
- Longer work: If you are interested in reading a longer work, I have two original works (Devotion, Threefold - 15K; Here and Now - 20K; both no archive warnings apply) and would appreciate feedback on how well pre-story events were woven in, what worked and what didn't with that.

I would prefer gentle (5) or direct (1) feedback, or something in between: 3-4

Comments are unscreened.

Comments

Review for Zzzz

[a_friendly_irin]

[But showing up with a plate of baked goods he would have made anyway wouldn't cut it as a gift for Crowley, oh, not at all. Crowley ate, but he didn't care about eating. Not the way Aziraphale did.

Crowley did like to tend to things.]

This is such a lovely read of them! It does occur to me that we don't see Crowly eating as much as Aziraphale. This is a lovely fusion of their interests, and the amount of consideration Aziraphale is putting into this is so loving and really shows how well he knows Crowley.

[He packed a little basket by the door so he would be ready to go, with the jar nestled in amongst various sample pastries. A couple of late night hours burned away as he chose a wine to bring with him. Then there were all the dishes he'd left soaking that he really ought to clean before going over to the flat. And deciding which book to bring.]

This is also adorable. I love how fussy and methodical Aziraphale is, it's relatable. XD

[Especially because as soon as his feet hit the floor, he realized he could've just miracled himself free.]

Good Omens in a nutshell.

[There was coffee in his kitchen, next to a glass jar. The coffee was expensive and meant to be brewed by setting it into a delicate filter and measuredly pouring boiling water over it. The bag said whole beans. When Crowley opened it, the beans were already ground. He mindlessly tipped some of it a mug, filled it with tap water, and put the mug into the microwave.]

And this is so very fitting for both of them.

[He'd started brewing coffee this way after watching a woman at an airport explain to a man whose opinion she had not asked that this was how she brewed coffee at home, and wasn't it such a pity that airport coffee never lived up to standard? The ensuing meltdown had been the highlight of Crowley's year.]

I'm a bit confused what he's referring to here. Did the woman have a meltdown, or the man? Crowley goes onto say that situations like these are good fodder for sinning, which implies he had something to do with it, but I'm unclear how that happened.

[The awareness that he had woken up on his own, and not because of an alarm, filtered in slowly, like properly brewed coffee.]

Lovely (and hilarious) simile!

[Mobile phones gave Crowley a warm, tingly feeling. Sure, sure, they did lots of good and connected humanity and provided access to resources to those who otherwise wouldn't have them and blah blah blah. There had been a reason he'd gone after the mobile network all those years ago. A phone was a lovely, powerful thing. It created need as powerfully as a coin superglued to a sidewalk. And the accessories! Leaving messages on read, fighting over outlets, praying to an uncaring deity that 6% battery would be enough to get you home.]

It feels like there should be a "but" to transition somewhere here. "Sure, they did lots of good, but..."

[Even snapping his fingers wasn't enough to turn it back on. Miracles couldn't override certain basic principles: He couldn't make Hellfire not Hellfire, or bless water, or prevent telemarketers from calling him. An uncharged phone was an uncharged phone.]

I'm not sure if this is consistent with canon -- Crowley seems to be able to make his car run on miracles, and Aziraphale is able to heal Anathema's injuries with one. Replenishing the chemicals in a battery should be easy enough. Still, this is fair enough if it's necessary for the plot. (Also love the arson, murder, and jaywalking here.)

[I remember how much you hated the fourteenth century, and the plague.]

Oh dear, is COVID what he was trying to sleep through? A nice use of current events. (To make this clear for posterity, though, perhaps it might be a good idea to include a year with the date on Crowley's phone message?)

This is lovely. For your questions, the story feels perfectly paced and it ends at a satisfying point, and, as I think I made clear throughout the review, I think you nailed their emotions wonderfully. Crowley and Aziraphale really wear their hearts on their sleeves anyway, so there's not much to worry about there.

My only quibble would be they seem a lot more physically affectionate than they are in canon, which felt a little OOC to me. But that's more personal taste than anything else; I know making them more romantic is popular in fandom.

Re: Review for Zzzz

[anti_cyclone]

Thank you for the feedback! I appreciate you pointing out lines that did work and highlighting unclear bits.

(To make this clear for posterity, though, perhaps it might be a good idea to include a year with the date on Crowley's phone message?) This is a good point. I'll go in later to add a link to the "Lockdown" video Sheen and Tennant did in the author's note. (In the video, Crowley talks about sleeping through the month.)

I also saw that you also left some AO3 comments. Thank you for reading so much of my fic! But for the swap I preferred to have concrit only on this DW post, so I am going to keep concrit-related reply here. There was a lot but I will go in and fix some typos later, and think about things like description and pacing issues for future fic.

Thanks again!

Re: Review for Zzzz

[a_friendly_irin]

Would you like me to crosspost my AO3 reviews here so you can reply to them?

Re: Review for Zzzz

[anti_cyclone]

Sorry, I always go through my email backward and just got to this! No worries, cross-posting isn't necessary. The notes about points that felt slow have been helping with my current WIP! :)

[jessalae]

Sacrificial
This is incredibly hot, and the comedy and character voices are great. Stuff like this: There are no seats, and not even a demon wants to sit in a plastic folding chair if they don't have to. is exactly the right tone for canon, I love it.

For me, the overall pacing was just a little bit off (although I didn't notice it as much on the first read, moreso on my second more careful read). I was hoping for a clear buildup/arc of sexiness, but I felt like there were a few times where you built some tension and then slipped back into exposition/side issues, which kind of broke the pacing for me. It seems like the porn beats in the story are: Crowley is tired > Crowley teases & threatens Aziraphale > Aziraphale gets snippy > kissing > more teasing/threatening > fingering > eating out > orgasm. Which is a great trajectory, and each of the individual moments was super good! But for some reason, the descriptions and dialogue in between those beats kept being just a little too extended, and I kept kind of losing track of where we were in the process.

I do love the “you do know what an orgasm is” conversation -- very hot, makes a ton of sense to include -- but for me it’s maybe the biggest example of where the pacing isn’t quite right. I want the question and then maybe one paragraph of exposition before Aziraphale answers, to keep the tension of the moment.

Also, since you specifically asked about villains in noncon pieces: the use of “uneasily” in "You do know what an orgasm is," he says, uneasily. makes Crowley seem a lot less evil and threatening to me. Even if he’s worrying about it internally, I feel like he’d say this in more of an insulting or challenging way in the circumstances.

It took me a while to realize that in this AU, they didn’t know each other on Earth like they do in canon. Which is great, and intriguing, and once I figured it out it really worked! But I wish it’d been a little clearer from the beginning that they don’t have the same kind of relationship history between them. I love Crowley telling Aziraphale he’s known where they were going to end up since Eden, very creepy that he’s been watching Aziraphale since then and Aziraphale didn’t know it. I would actually love some expansion on this theme -- Crowley mentioning a few things he’s seen Aziraphale do through the centuries that Aziraphale doesn’t realize he saw, and would be embarrassed about. Make it clearer what their relationship (or lack thereof) has been, via the medium of creepy/humiliating dirty talk.

Love the threat of getting gangbanged, it’s super hot. Love Aziraphale’s sassiness, and Crowley seeing through it.

I’m also not super clear on why Aziraphale has been crying? Has it been with the effort of holding himself back from the edge, does he really hate all of this, is he sad about Earth? I can imagine any or all of those things being the case, but because I don’t quite know what it is, the crying doesn’t have quite the emotional/hotness impact it could.

Okay I did not know that snake tongue Crowley going down on Aziraphale was a thing I wanted to read, but damn. Also incredibly hot: "Don't have to," Crowley agrees, for the perfect flare of hope in Aziraphale's eyes. That nearly makes Crowley come on the spot. He has to swallow before he can add, "But I want to, angel." That’s the kind of evil mindfuck thing I love in a noncon aggressor.

Sporting Behavior
This is a TON of fun. I liked both of these characters from the moment I met them, and the overall structure and pacing of the story works well. I would be very interested in getting into this canon if it were fanfic instead of OW.

It was finer than Imani’s, but probably no sharper. I really like the class conflict you hint at with this line.

Val-adra's eyes lit up as she gave the sword the same look Imani had given her. It’s not clear what look you’re referring to here? I would guess the one from Imani slowly looked the woman over, but since that’s a few paragraphs back it would help if you clarified in the text.

"If that will bring you satisfaction," Imani drawled. It was hard to banter Imani doesn’t strike me as the type to banter, really, in this situation? She seems much more down-to-earth and serious. The line of dialogue makes sense, just not the motivation behind it, as much.

Yep. Still soaked to the bone, This observation doesn’t make a ton of sense to me. Why wouldn’t she still be soaked?

The night watch was still snapping at both of them although Imani had stopped listening. Weren’t they just having a conversation, though? I don’t think the night watch is going to keep just talking over them and letting them bicker on the side.

I love Val-adra’s flamboyance and how annoying Imani finds it, it’s such a fun dynamic.

I like the choice to skip over the first sex scene and have them go for a second round.

That comment was absolutely not filtering down to Ursa and the others. You already said that Imani’s not telling her friends about any of this, so this feels unnecessary and breaks the flow of the conversation a little.

Really love the ending! I love stoic/serious characters getting distracted and taken apart by sex, it’s super hot.

[anti_cyclone]

Thank you! I really appreciate your feedback on both of these fics.

Sacrificial: Thank you for the note about pacing and also about when backstory would've been better to include. I keep wanting to do things where the story starts in the middle and backstory is revealed slowly, but I know I can definitely stand to improve in execution, so these were very useful notes. As were the details about what did make Crowley threatening and what could make him more threatening/make Aziraphale's crying more impactful. The note about Crowley potentially mentioning things he's seen Aziraphale do throughout history makes me want to write more of this AU, haha, that is deeply menacing.

Sporting Behavior: I would be very interested in getting into this canon if it were fanfic instead of OW. Thank you! And thank you for the notes about what was confusing, repetitive, or where the dialogue felt too spaced out. That is the kind of thing I'll think about in the future. Making original characters in original fic is always tricky so it's nice to know what worked here too.

Thank you again!