concrit for subjunctive

[subjunctive]

I want to receive feedback by:
- comments on this post (unscreened)

Here are the works I want feedback on:
https://archiveofourown.org/users/subjunctive/works
I'm only interested in feedback for works published on or after Dec 24, 2014, PLUS "A Temporary Arrangement," which is a little further back. I'm also not that interested in feedback for the strict PWPs. (Some of my fics are Explicit, but are not strictly PWPs--the PWPs are tagged. Feedback on the non-PWP explicit fics is fine.)

My works' fandoms and content notes are:
- MCU (especially Thor)
- ASOIAF/GOT (sometimes both/either, sometimes more strictly one or the other)
- Battlestar Galactica (2003)
Most of my fics are No Archive Warnings Apply. The CNTW fics are pretty thoroughly tagged, I think. I can answer any questions you have about content before you read.
Much of my eligible work is concentrated around a few ships (Jon Snow/Sansa Stark, Jon Snow/Theon Greyjoy, Jane Foster/Loki, Laura Roslin/Lee Adama) and is almost all shippy one-shots.

I have these questions for readers:
(choose any questions you feel you can answer effectively)
- Was there anything in particular you thought was well-done or effective?
- As you were reading, what didn't make sense or felt confusing?
- How clear are the characters' motivations and decisions?
- How fulfilling did you find the development of the characters' relationship (if applicable)?
- Did anything feel unnecessary?
- Conversely, was there something you wanted more of, or something you felt was missing that would help make the story feel more complete?
- How impactful/effective are the scene openings and endings?
- Do you have any specific suggestions for anything that might be more effective done differently? (Personally, I LOVE brainstorming alternative choices and imagining the story in different ways--if something comes to mind [that you think I would be interested in based on what you've read of my writing], feel free to share it!) (An example: if you thought a scene would be more impactful in a different setting for some reason.)

I would prefer gentle (5) or direct (1) feedback, or something in between: 2-5

Comments

[(Anonymous)]

Hello! I read Root and Branch, your Jane/Loki fic, and liked it a lot. The premise of time-travelling Jane is super intriguing, and I love how you let her meet almost-dead Loki as the world is ending and then let events unfold from there.

- Was there anything in particular you thought was well-done or effective?
Jane wearing Loki's helmet was a striking image.

On second read, Jane inadvertently sidestepping Loki's "So you’ve outlived us all. How did you manage it, little mortal?" question by wiping away his blood is a great setup - it opens the question of 'is there something more to why she's here?" but doesn't answer it or dwell on it, at least not immediately, so the reader has some time to subconsciously think about it before the actual revelation comes out.

And I loved the "Will you..." conversation where Loki only wanted Jane to stay with him (and then lies anyway), and how it's Jane who first lands on the thought of "Take you with me".

- As you were reading, what didn't make sense or felt confusing?
Nothing stood out specifically - everything made sense and I could follow what was happening.

- How clear are the characters' motivations and decisions?

Both of them were very clear to me - Loki is sort of helpless and waiting for death and Jane is still trying to find a way to fix things but is also rather at the end of her rope, and the ending exchange by which she gets the idea to take him with her is just perfect.

- How fulfilling did you find the development of the characters' relationship (if applicable)?

I think it's great - the situation is so dire that there's no reason for either of them to prevaricate so they can be honest and open with each other from the start, and the intimacy in that moment of Jane cleaning blood from Loki's mouth was also great.


- Did anything feel unnecessary?

I think it all works very well! If I absolutely had to pick one thing to remove, it would probably be Jane saying "If you want things to go down differently, tell me how. How would you change? What would make you want to change sides?"

It felt a little odd to me for Jane to be asking Loki specifically what he would do - he's an enemy she came across on one of what seems like many iterations, during which she must have met many dying friends and enemies like, so it wasn't obvious to me why she's placing such weight on his opinion, specifically.

- Conversely, was there something you wanted more of, or something you felt was missing that would help make the story feel more complete?

This is entirely a personal reaction, but I think I might have liked them to talk a little more about Thor? He's important to both of them and their primary point of connection, and maybe being able to talk to each other about him would strengthen their (newfound) acquaintance through sharing grief and also being emotionally open/honest with each other.

- How impactful/effective are the scene openings and endings?

I liked the opening - it's the sort of abstract, poetic stream-of-consciousness I'd expect from someone like Loki, and I like how it gradually loses the dream-like quality to reveal the true predicament he's in, that he's terribly wounded and near death.

And the ending "The tug of her hand pulls him away." is perfect and hopeful - even though it's not outright stated, it's clear that Jane decided to take him with her after all.

- Do you have any specific suggestions for anything that might be more effective done differently?

The part where Jane says “Every time I change things, it just--doesn’t work [...] Maybe it’s not things I need to change,” feels a little deliberately expository - On my first read through, it felt like the story hit a pause button and stepped in to say "She's a time traveller", which felt a little at odds with how the rest of the fic is much subtler and show-not-tell (e.g. it's never stated outright that Jane used the time stone at the end, but it's nonetheless clear that that is what happened). I could see this scene being longer, so this revelation comes out more gradually - perhaps give them a little more time to talk, and then maybe her answers don't add up and Loki latches onto that as odd? Just a brief thought.

I hope this helps! It was a great fic and I enjoyed reading it very much.

[alchemise]

I'm sorry, I also did Root and Branch! Looks like it really grabbed two of us!

I mainly picked this fic because I was really curious how you handled Thanos's apocalypse back in 2016! I am a lover of all things apocalypse, and I really dig your take on it here.

I like the opening imagery, of Loki sitting in the tree that rejects him like everyone else does, while the final battle wages.

No, there is some noise--a breaking twig, leaves crunching underfoot. He has company. He forces his eyes open.
This feels abrupt, which I get that it's supposed to, but I'm not sure that "No" works great as a transition into it. Especially since the lack of noise was only mentioned at the beginning of the previous paragraph. I think it would have worked better with either another mention of the quiet at the end of the paragraph before this or a softer transition. Maybe even something like "Yet" would work smoother.

He can’t hide the incredulity.
This is pretty minor, but I feel like the contraction throws off the rhythm of the sentence. You've already established Loki's narration as (I'm not sure of quite the right word to describe it) wordy/flowery or kind of old fashioned in a way that involves more words than we would use in modern English (which I'm really enjoying, for the record!). If the contraction had been spelt out I think it would have preserved that style better.

"Perhaps it will protect you to the end.”
She glances around them. “There’s a pretty good chance that’s already the case. Besides you, I mean.”
I really like what you were going for with this exchange, but the wording of Jane's response is a little confusing. It took me a second to figure out what she was referring to.

The time travel reveal is awesome. Your Jane is very very cool. And I love how it creates this disconnect between Jane being the one taking all the action, yet the story being in Loki's POV. It's in an interesting way to play with the idea of the protagonist.

I like how Loki admits that there's nothing that would make him choose the right side until it's too late, except for Thor being dead. That's a nice bit of self-awareness. Although I didn't quite get what you meant by "In the right way."

“Sorry. I could really use your help, you know.”
The "you know" feels a bit off here.

Like anyone who has all the power, she is generous.
Does Loki really believe this? I can see how he might, but I would have loved just one more sentence or so elaborating on it. It's a fascinating perspective on him.

The tug of her hand pulls him away.
I found the final line just a little confusing. I'm 99% sure that it means she's taking him back with her to fix things, but then part of me wondered if it could mean his death and her hand is the last thing she feels. It's completely possible I'm just over thinking this, sorry!

Overall: I think the Loki POV was the strongest part of this. It was wonderfully consistent and I liked his voice a lot. The time travel and apocalypse plot was very cool, but I think it could have been fleshed out just a little bit more, but that's largely because it was so fascinating I just wanted more. There were a few places I found confusing. It might help to spell things out just a touch more, by elaborating on what characters are feeling and what they mean.