Concrit for iberiandoctor

[iberiandoctor]

(scraping in under the wire!)

I want to receive feedback by: email, at jehanejay18@gmail.com, or this post (comments currently screened comments now unscreened!).

Here are the works I want feedback on : Happy to receive crit on any of the eligible (<10k, non-chaptered?) work under the iberiandoctor tag on AO3: here, and, if you’d read my RPF, the Les Mis RPF tag under jehane: here.
For reasons outlined below, a focus on (any of) the E-rated oneshots would be appreciated.
Co-authored work, as indicated, should be safe.

My works' fandoms and content notes are: Mostly Les Mis and French History RPF writing, with a helping of comics/comics-adjacent (DCU/DCEU, Hellblazer, X-Men, Lucifer (TV)), Crazy Rich Asians (2018), Andre Aciman and Guy Gavriel Kay novels (CMBYN, Lions of Al-Rassan) and opera (Don Carlo), the one Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell fic, and a bunch of RPF. Content warnings are as indicated per AO3 tags and notes on the fic themselves.

I have these questions for readers: I would super appreciate a sex-focused critique, if you were willing to provide one! I write in a range of mostly vanilla m/m sex, with the occasional gangbang, corporal punishment and tentacles thrown in, but lately I have felt a little stuck in a sex writing rut. I am interested in folks giving my sex scenes a cold look: would you have any pointers on sex choreography and language, and thoughts on how to better enhance the intensity and the physical/emotional/sexual connection in the story? Is anything distracting or detracting from the hotness of the sex scenes or the overall story?

Of course, I would also be really grateful for any and all non-sex critique! What are the general strengths and weaknesses of the story? Is there anything I could do to improve on? I tend to over-write; does anything veer into too-purple territory? Which sentences are gripping and which are a snooze?

I would prefer gentle (5) or direct (1) feedback, or something in between: 1-2

Comments

[ancslove]

Hello!

I am reviewing To Seize the Darkness. In disclaimer, I watched the BBC miniseries when it aired on PBS over last Christmas, or so. I’m more on the Amis side in Les Mis fandom.

Firstly, poor Rivette! I love your Rivette voice. His devotion to Javert, and his early will that if Javert thought something, it was probably so – even if that meant one lowly criminal was in charge of the entire Paris underworld. But at the same time, his quiet acknowledgement that yeah, Javert was rather obsessed, and Rivette could and should pick up the slack so that Javert could follow his obsession. And oh yeah, maybe Javert would also approve of Rivette’s devotion and initiative! And after his capture, I love Rivette’s resolve to stay alive, for Javert’s sake.

I love Thenardier and his gang, and Thenardier’s entire conversation with Valjean about Cosette, from the threats to Valjean’s dismissal to Valjean’s assertion that he saved Cosette. It’s a great way to fill in more detail for Rivette. Rivette and Valjean both trying to get Patron-Minette’s attention so the other would be spared is lovely, even if I want to just hug Rivette and spirit him away from things he doesn’t understand.

I love how Rivette’s thoughts try to center on Javert as the abuse starts. Structurally, it gives a nice through-line to follow, and how Rivette responds to his own reminiscences (love the bit about Javert caning Rivette!) and fantasies is both hot and so heart-clenchingly painful.

The sex was done well, and stayed very rooted in emotion. I like Rivette trying to figure out the details, with the blindfold on. The lack of sight added a new dimension to everything, and let the reader focus on the senses and emotions, without getting tangled in visuals. And there’s enough direct action which Rivette knows is happening, even if he can’t see it (like Babet swinging the cudgel into Rivette’s balls – ouch) that details don’t get swamped in the style. I like the dialogue around the action, and how you differentiate the various members of Patron-Minette. It clarifies what’s happening while adding humor and characterization, as poor Rivette tries to keep track of everything.

The one scene I wasn’t quite able to visualize or follow the choreography was the threesome of Gueulemer, Babet, and Montparnasse (I believe I ID’d them correctly?) on Valjean, once Rivette’s blindfold came off. Was Valjean still on his back then? But that could very well be just me lacking imagination!

Rivette’s thoughts on Javert and Valjean as the rape and abuse continue give the sex scenes focus, as well as showing how Rivette’s experience is changing him. Rivette’s fear for Valjean, and his confusion of how Javert’s view of Valjean isn’t matching what he’s seeing and experiencing in front of him really make Rivette into a full, leading character. And I love Rivette’s thoughts at the end. Everything after Javert rescues him is great. I like how the ending brings it back full circle, only with Rivette gaining new perspective and further unsure of Valjean. But I especially like that Rivette is still fully loyal to and admiring of Javert, even if he doesn’t agree with Javert’s thoughts on Valjean. And it just leaves me wanting Javert and Valjean to make up so that poor Rivette can be happy!

[NSFW comment warning!]

[iberiandoctor]

Hi! I do remember you from the Amis side of the fandom; your RMSE fic was lovely <3

Thank you for your concrit and for letting me know my Rivette Smutswap gangbang worked for you. It was definitely a challenge to write sex where the participant is blindfolded and to keep track of the sexy action and participants -- I'm gratified it mostly worked and was rooted in emotion, and I definitely see what you mean about the last Guelemer/Babet/Montparnasse tag-team being not entirely clear. (Yeah, Valjean is on his back on the table with his legs in the air; Guelemer's got Valjean's mouth, Montparnsse is on top of Valjean on the table in the top part of the DP anal insertion, and Babet has got the bottom part (and, uh, this was a rather NSFW description for which I guess should warn, lol).)

Your comment does prompt me to side-eye how anatomically achievable the position is; definitely food for next DP porn outing! Thanks so much!

Concrit

[misspinkman]

So I read The Saint's Bondage!

Inspector Javert felt the overwhelming impulse to pound the table with his forehead. Unusually, this time, no incompetent subordinates were involved.

I love this first line so much! This brings in Javert’s narrative voice perfectly.

That was not to say that there were no benefits to such a circumstance. Indeed, it was quite the contrary. Jean Valjean, benefactor and savior and companion far too good for the likes of him, had overlooked his sins and saved his life twice over. He had rescued Javert from the river, put him in his own bed in his home at the Rue de l’Homme-Armé, and cared for him for weeks, until Javert's fever broke and he had healed sufficiently to retrieve the pieces of his life.

Again, great Javert voice and I love the explanation here that describes how we came to this AU point. I would like to know a little bit more about how he actually found him before getting him out, though the actual lifting seems like it wouldn’t be an issue. 😊

Even more astoundingly, months afterwards, when Javert's starved heart and body had been roused for the first time, that saint, Jean Valjean, had once again responded in love, and had welcomed the sinner into his bed in a way that was quite unprecedented for both of them.

I like this – I want to know more about how this first got started. What was the trajectory? Was Javert still annoyed by being taken care of by Valjean at first? Was he still resigned to his chosen fate or did he regret the decision?

He tried not to glare at Valjean, who was at present holding his injured hand and washing it carefully with a wet rag. His touch was as tender and gentle as always, and it was driving Javert out of his mind.

I love this – great imagery.

Both he and Valjean had, in the course of their lives, never before experienced physical love; in Valjean’s bed, they had learned together.

I never really thought about this, but it does seem quite true to canon! They were both too busy.

Once Valjean had been persuaded that Javert truly desired him, he had proved himself as skilled in the act of love as he was at sharpshooting and scaling walls and entering fortified strongholds — and in even this he was saintly: as gentle and considerate of his companion’s satisfaction as any heart could wish.

This is gorgeous.

“If so, you would not feel the need to act like one,” he murmured, mildly, and he lifted Javert bodily off his feet as if he weighed nothing at all.

Ah, this hits the id in a perfect way.

Javert fought down the urge to struggle, because he knew it would be useless. Instead, he could do nothing but submit helplessly to Valjean’s powerful arms, allowing Valjean to carry him up the stairs.

As does this! These pieces are working together perfectly.

Valjean settled him in the empty bathtub. “Take off your clothes,” he told Javert, his tone as gentle as it had always been, and yet there was a note of command in it that reminded Javert of the mayor of Montreuil-sur-Mer. It made Javert shudder. When Javert complied, wordlessly, Valjean washed him with water that Toussaint had left for them, calmly and in a manner that brooked no argument, cleaned and oiled his hair, and then dressed him in his nightshirt and carried him to their bed.

The dynamic (and dynamic switch from the initial cat-and-mouse of canon) is perfect here.

Something Valjean had done — in taking charge as Madeleine would have, in displaying the overbearing strength of Jean-le-Cric — had bestirred Javert in a way that their previous tender interactions had not.

Ahh, I love this.

Javert ground his teeth together. He passed the rest of the night wide awake, and rock-hard.

I love the slow, subtle shift into smut, kind of like the reader is realizing it as Javert is at the same time.

“I’m not made of glass,” he growled, on the fifth night, as Valjean worked him open diligently with the oil they kept by their bedside for this purpose. “Even virgin brides would not need this,” he remarked, on the sixth, as Valjean finally eased himself, inch by careful inch, into his passage.

I kind of want a little more lead-up here – to show the shift in the difference from how things usually are, later on.

On the seventh day, the present one, Javert had gone out into the most notorious district in Montparnasse and picked a fight with three shady characters. In retrospect, it was fortuitous he wasn’t knifed in the back. He did, however, manage to hurt his cudgel hand.

So beautifully in character – Javert doing as Javert does rather than talk about how he actually feels.

And so here they were, sitting at their kitchen table, with Valjean washing Javert’s hand as gently as if it were made of fine porcelain.

I like this, but I feel like it’s a bit of an overused metaphor – there is so much great imagery in this story that I feel like it could be a different metaphor?

Valjean looked puzzled. “No? Then perhaps you would wish to take a turn around the garden? The strawberries are finally coming in.”

Javert ground his teeth together. “That is to say, I wish to retire to bed, but I do not wish to rest.”

This is so cute. Neither of them is great with direct communication.

This was the final straw. Javert seized hold of Valjean’s collar with his good hand and kissed him as if he was about to expire from thirst, and at this point it certainly felt that way.

I like this a lot – but, again, I feel like I would just tweak some of the similes/metaphors a bit.

Valjean was smiling when they finally came up for air. “I am sorry,” that good man told Javert. “I see now you are in need. Forgive me, I am still so unused to such things.”

They are so, so cute here.

Even after he had been thoroughly kissed, with his mouth red and cravat undone and his white hair standing on end, Valjean still looked like a pristine icon in a stained-glass window — benevolent and saintly and sorrowful. Javert wanted to tear his own hair out.

Beautiful imagery!

“That is to say… I enjoyed it when you took charge of me last week. You bore me upstairs, and washed me, and I could not have resisted you even if I had wanted to.”

I love the lead-up to where he finally is direct about things! It feels very rewarding when it gets to this point.

It had been a balmy night, and their bedroom was warm. Valjean set Javert down on his feet at the threshold, looking hesitant again.

Very nice details right here, on a variety of senses.

“I see,” he said. “In that case, I wish to wash you. You are filthy from the streets. In our home, I would like you to be clean.”

Ah, this is perfect.

Silently, he submitted himself to Valjean’s efficient ablutions. Valjean stripped him and opened his hair and washed him thoroughly without comment, even though he could not fail to notice how painfully engorged Javert had become.

This is a great juxtaposition of the caretaking and sex side of things, and fits their relationship really well.

Valjean’s eyes flashed. “Did you set out tonight looking for trouble?” he enquired.
Javert felt himself flushing all over. “Perhaps,” he murmured, at last. “I am an unmitigated fool.”
“That you are,” Valjean said, in a changed tone: it was the charged, commanding voice of Mayor Madeleine. “Might it be something you would do again?”

Great exchange!

This was a position which they had never used, but it was a familiar one: guards in Toulon often commanded prisoners to face the wall to be searched; often, they were strip-searched. Pressed against the wallpaper in the same thrillingly shameful manner, Javert found himself panting quietly. He could not see Valjean’s face, and the anticipation of being touched made him shudder.

This is great.

Fortunately, Valjean did not make him wait for long. Work-roughened fingers caressed the muscles on Javert’s bare back and pulled his small clothes down. A trail of oil trickled down the cleft of his buttocks, and shortly afterwards he felt a blunt, slick hardness butting against his entrance. Only this time, it was not Valjean’s careful fingers that met him there, but Valjean’s massive prick.

I love these details – part of me wants more of these details earlier, but it does feel even more satisfying to get them at the very end.

“No,” Javert said, not entirely truthfully, “and keep doing that, only more quickly.”

This whole section is perfectly in character. Javert loves to suffer (and not quite) in silence and get more of it.

Valjean huffed another worried sound, but he did indeed pick up the pace. The stretch of Javert’s hole around that large cock was overwhelming and utterly glorious. He felt his body yield itself up to Valjean’s powerful thrusts, surrendering inch by inch; he had not realised he had begun to sag against the wall until he felt Valjean’s hands about his forearms, holding him up and pinning him in place with his immense strength, and that, too, felt glorious.

I’m torn on the repetition here – I kind of want the narrative to switch up a little bit, and I don’t know if “glorious” is necessarily a Javert-word.

Valjean’s strokes faltered for a moment, and Javert paused as well, fearing he had gone too far. Then the man who had been Le Cric snorted, unexpectedly: “There are many uses for a jack-screw, after all.”

Love it.

Javert’s head jerked back; Valjean held him with the easy command of Madeleine, and the brutality of Le Cric, and a tenderness that was unlike anyone else. “Yes. I am yours. I will never — never again —“

Great juxtaposition of the different aspects of Valjean.

Valjean released Javert’s hair and reached down to take hold of Javert’s rigid cock. Javert gasped with a pleasure so intense it was almost pain. “And next time we will speak frankly of matters that trouble you?”

I don’t think they will 😊

“Spend for me, then,” Valjean murmured, and began to stroke once again, and Javert could not hold back his cries as he poured himself fiercely over his and Valjean’s hands in spurt after spurt of white.

This is very effective and evocative.

Valjean looked somewhat abashed. “The part about your promising to confide in me. I know how poorly I fare in this myself.”

I like how honest they are about how hard it is to be honest.

“Indeed,” Javert said, and buried himself more deeply in Valjean’s embrace.

This is a nice ending, but I feel like I want a little more? Maybe just a turn/tie-in to whatever they are going to do the next time (and I hope there is a next time!).

Overall, I would mainly just say switch up some of the metaphors and similes. The scenes are super hot and build very nicely, but things really heat up when the language changes up and does something the reader doesn’t expect. So the atmosphere is perfect, I think I would just fine tune the little stuff. This was so much fun to read and I hope this was helpful in some way.

Re: Concrit

[iberiandoctor]

Ah, thank you for this! Yeah, I do think this is probably one of the shortest and most PWP-leaning of my offerings, and I'm very grateful you gave me concrit of it. I agree completely; this ends a bit too abruptly, I should have side-eyed the more obviously violet-hued metaphors like fine porcelain, and "glorious" is probably more fanon than canon. I remember writing this one quickly, tossing off every single simile and fillip that came to my head, much less rigorously than I ordinarily write -- and then sending off to beta before I could regret anything XD

It's been a great exchange! After the dust settles, I'm gonna take your and ancslove's crit and make sneaky edits to the two fics you critiqued. I will credit!