Concrit for Filigranka

[filigranka]

I want to receive feedback by:
- Comment on my DW post in this community
- Comment where the work is published
- tumblr message (I’m Filigranka there)
- if you know me on other fandom platform, like discord, and prefer to reach me there, it’s fine.

Here are the works I want feedback on (optional: and my safe works are...):
https://archiveofourown.org/users/Filigranka - I have no safe works, feel free to comment on anything, drabbles. I write in Polish&English.

My works' fandoms and content notes are:
I write everything, from gen, fluff,worldbuilding and crack to very dark fics, including extreme underage, incest, non-con, torture, porn, unhealthy relationships, politics, black and black morality etc. – do, please, mind the warnings, tags and author’s notes.

My main fandoms in English are The Witcher (games), Star Wars Sequel Trilogy, Final Fantasy VII, Chronicles of Amber, Harry Potter, Silmarillion… But I’ve written single ficlets for other fandoms, too.

I have these questions for readers:
Any kind of feedback will be appreciated, but a general “SPAG mistakes” alone wouldn’t help me much, without examples or explanation of a specific SPAG problem.

Any comments about where I could have put more descriptions (and how to do it) would be very appreciated. I struggle with summaries, tags and titles a lot and will gladly take any advice about them.

I love all comments, including the formal, style-oriented, sentence-level ones, focused on the sentence flow, phonetics, grammar, paragraph structure, repetitions etc., so if you feel like going all nitpicky, don't restrain yourself. Also, if it’s possible, it’d be help me if the comment mentioned the better parts and aspects of my fics, too. I can make a long list of the things I do wrong, but I have no idea what, if anything, I do right.

I like chatting in comments, so I’ll gladly read (and reply to) any interpretations, views of the characters and their relationships, digressions and side-discussions about worldbuilding, charactes or canon. Or your stream-of-consciousness-like impression about the fic.

Side-note: I love drabbles, getting a con-crit-treat on them would be just as awesome as critique on longer works.

I would prefer gentle (5) or direct (1) feedback, or something in between:
5-1, anything is fine.

Comments

Ancient Greek Religion & Lore: A Wrinkle (a path to trace)

[radialarch]

Felt like my handle on Star Wars canon was too casual for good feedback, but you mentioned your love of drabbles so wanted to pick something shorter for you! Then your Helen of Troy ficlet caught my eye: A Wrinkle (a path to trace)

At first, when the envoys from Helen's ex-husband came, Troy laught at them. “Would you start a war for me?” became the fashionable, joking question to ask your lover. And the answer was always “Yes, yes, yes.”

I really love this introduction, it's strong and immediately draws me in! Grammar notes: I might say "laughed" instead of "laught" and add a comma before "Yes, yes, yes".

The fashion started dying when the first Achaeans’ ships appeared on the horizon, when the first troops landed on Trojan shore. First deaths killed it for good.

This is a good turn into the somber mood that is the war! I feel nitpicky about the use of the word "dying" in the first sentence, it seems a little too on the nose when you have the trend being "killed" in the next. Because my tastes run toward alliteration I might suggest "The fashion faltered when..." or something similar, but that's a personal preference.

Now, years of the war after, even the jest's memory seems shameful. So Helen is surprised and hurt upon hearing it from Hector. And when she has just tended his wounds!

The history of this joke you draw through to here is excellent. I do think you could make Hector's use of it and Helen's reaction stronger! Most of the beginning felt formal and heightened, and "So Helen is surprised and hurt..." lands on a register that's more casual for me, which dilutes the impact. I wonder if including Hector's actual line would help, since it can't be the exact joke that's been mentioned. I'm assuming it's something like "This war is for you," but if we see it directly then Helen's shock/affront can come across more viscerally, I think.

‘It haven’t been an appropriate flirting line in years.’ She turns her head away from his kisses.

He doesn’t understand for a moment. Then shakes his head.

‘But I mean it. Literally. I fight for you just as much as for Troy and her people.’

Helen turning away from kisses is a great detail to include. A note that I did see this tagged as Helen/Hector, but is this a universe where Andromache doesn't exist? I know it's a short fic and you don't necessarily have the space to get into it, but this confused me on a first read. And Helen thinks about Paris, but Hector doesn't mention him at all, whereas including that and the complexities of navigating such tangled relationships would help with sustaining tension, I think.

Helen supposes it should be comforting, to be loved so much – by so many. But instead, she swallows down the question if “people of Troy” means his wife and her husband, too. If she’s not one of them, still and forever a foreigner.

Helen's line about being a foreigner is great, it adds to her feeling unmoored throughout the piece. Grammar note that "swallows down the question if..." reads awkwardly to me here, "question of if" or "question of whether" would sound more idiomatic. Might also swap out "includes" for "means" but that's a formality/register preference.

‘Yet you never allows me to come admire your fight and cheer you up from the walls,’ she says instead, placing a hand on his bicep; careful to not touch the injury.

Perhaps it’s her version of a plea.

‘I can’t. My father would never allow it. He fears, and rightly so, that the sight of your beauty would remind Achaeans what they fight for. Strengthen their resolve.‘

Love the way Helen chooses to deflect with who she is: her touch, her looks, cheer and admiration. Grammar-wise, it should be "you never allow", and I might also swap the semicolon for a comma and say "cheer you on" rather than "cheer you up", since the former folds her a bit more into the war effort itself. Also, it's not quite clear to me what she's pleading for? To be allowed on the walls? Being set off in a new paragraph makes it seem like there's a deeper meaning I'm not catching.

‘Do you really think they forgot?’ If they were younger, if the war was younger, this might be another flirting line, “do you think me so forgettable?”, a sweet, pouting face and a lock of hair tactically escaping from the braid.

As it stands, the question is deadly serious, the face – sweet, cursed with sweetness, but tired; the lock of hair falls down Helen’s cheek, because the braid was hastily made after she had heard Achaeans had been preparing yet another attack.

"If they were younger, if the war was younger" is fantastic, and I'd cut it off with a period or colon right after "another flirting line" so it retains a kick. The next paragraph contrasts the reality from the fantasy very well, but the punctuation makes it a little confusing to parse. A comma instead of the dash, and adding an "and" after the semicolon to soften the rhythm a bit.

‘No,’ answers Hector. ‘If they had done, they’d have returned to their lands long ago. I don’t think it’s possible to forget you.’
So there will be no peace, only the victory or the crushing defeat, thinks Helen. But before she can voice this thought – she isn’t sure she wants to voice it all – Hector adds:

‘I certainly can’t. I always carry your image beneath my eyelids. In my bed, in fight…’ He laughs, but there’s no joy in it. ‘I suppose I’ll keep seeing it even after my death. You and Troy.’

The contrast between how the Greeks keep Helen's memory and how Hector keeps it is excellent! Phrasing-wise, cut "thinks Helen", the line's strong without it.

She shivers and there’s no hiding it, for bandages and pins fall from her hands; yet she tries, forcing herself to laugh: ‘I’ll be old, all grey hair and wrinkles, long before you die!’

‘I’m sure you’ll remain the most beautiful woman of the world until the end of your days.’

‘It is written,’ she says flatly. ‘Promised.’

Again, Helen trying to hide her feelings is great. The change from her attempting a light airy tone to "she says flatly" seems too fast, though; I'd either add something before "It is written" about her feelings about her gift/curse of beauty, or just cut "flatly".

‘So I’ll be happy to see Gods making good on their promise. If I survive long enough.’ He shrugs his good shoulder. ‘I’m a warrior and the loving son of Troy and Priam. I can’t promise you – my heart is yours to command, but my life’s not.’

‘But you do fight for me, too.’

‘And I’ll continue to do so, even if my father changes his mind. But then – not in Troy.’

Is Hector (obliquely) promising that he would leave Troy with Helen if Priam decided he didn't want this war any longer? This feels a little off to me -- you've been drawing this delicate balance of Hector in balance between Helen and Troy, two things equally important, and coming down in favor of Helen would do a disservice to the complexity of Hector as a warrior, fighting for home (whether that home is a place or person).

So let’s escape now, she wants to say, take Paris with us – she can’t leave him behind, much as this stubborn, almost alien attachment surprises her – and leave Troy behind, finally free from us and safe.

Providing Achaeans would content themselves with pursuing them and leaving Troy with its treasures behind, returning empty-handed, without a vengeance or coins, from the war which already cost them, if the rumours are true, much more than just gold.

Helen's push-pull with Paris here is again, great. I'd like to see a stronger about-face at the paragraph break, the fantasy and then the intrusion of the harsh reality of the economic costs. "Providing Achaeans would content themselves with pursuing them" as its own sentence fragment would work, I think, and then repetition: "Providing they would leave Troy with its treasures, returning without vengeance nor coin, from the war which..." etc.

Hector kisses her forehead.

‘I came back victorious today – let’s hope I’ll keep doing so. I’ll be glad if I preserve my honour – if anyone will weep after me, if the world'll remember my name, for this is the only immortality this life has to offer – but whenever I’ll die and wherever I’ll end up after, if I’m going to see you and Troy in your eternal glory – it’ll be Elysium.’

I really like the rhythm of Hector's final lines, the bang of "it'll be Elysium". Just a small nitpick that "whenever I die" rather than "I'll" reads more naturally, but other than that it's a great end to the piece.

Overall I really liked the concept of the piece and the execution was sound, I just suggested some things I thought might help make it even stronger. I'm happy to have found this piece, I hope this was helpful, and definitely feel free to ask if you have anything you want me to clarify or explain further!

Re: Ancient Greek Religion & Lore: A Wrinkle (a path to trace)

[filigranka]

Hi!

Thank you for your very, very kind words and the whole comment, I'm really grateful for them! I'm sorry I haven't responded earlier, but I wanted to say something more than just "thanks" and underestimated my real life's backlog, so to speak.

But I'm really very grateful for your comment - and I'm happy you picked something shorter and from the fandom I rarely writes, actually, and you chose a story I like very much, so I was glad to read about the ways I could make it better (even if, obviously, because it's an exchange fic, I'm not going to be able to include all your comments in it - e.g. you're totally right and now I wish I'd develop Hector-Andromache relationship more, even in a background and just few suggestive lines, but I'm not sure how recipient feels about this ship and either way, I think it would not be fair to add so much so late after reveals, when they probably won't see it).

You know, you and someone else both liked my beginnings, which was a surprise for me - but of course a pleasant one - because I always have felt like they're pretty weak. Perhaps it's because I read all of my beginnings and saw the same tricks I pull over and over again - and your reaction told me it's not so irritating for the readers, since they're only thinking of them in the context of the one specific story (or even a one-two specific fandom). This made me feel so much better about the part of my writing I was unsure of!

Thank you for the grammar corrections - I obviously can't discuss them in any way, but actually, I'm very happy that sometimes I apparently manage to get English rhythm right and that stylistic devices I use(d) work(ed) mostly as I intend(ed), it means a lot for me.

"So Helen is surprised and hurt..." lands on a register that's more casual for me, which dilutes the impact.

Ah, if it's casual, then I can see how it dilutes the impact, yes - are there any other, more formal, but not completely archaic/over the top words you'd suggest instead?

To be allowed on the walls? Being set off in a new paragraph makes it seem like there's a deeper meaning I'm not catching.

Oh yes, this was the meaning intended! And I think you're right, it'd be clearer in the same paragraph. It's one of the things I struggle, because my betas, but also stylistic guidelines for English seems to have different standards for how much narrative is allowed to go in the same paragraph as the dialogue. ;) Is it only one line? One-three lines, if they're connected? As many lines as you'd like as long as they're connected to the subject/dialogue itself? Do all the rules apply to fiction, which should be artsy and "free" by definition, at all? Etc., etc. XD

I really like the rhythm of Hector's final lines, the bang of "it'll be Elysium".

And it's pretty sad he won't get that Elysium, I think - because Troy will fall and nothing of its glory will remain (unless we count Rome, but no, I don't think it'd be enough for Hector).

It was definitely very helpful and perceptive, and made me incredibly happy - thank you! <3 <3 <3

[withinadream]

I kept my eye out for places to increase descriptions throughout, but I think this fic did a great job of that, especially the descriptions of Kylo. The overall structure and bigger-picture characteristics were all wonderful, so I stuck to more SPAG and phrasing-focused comments.

‘I wonder if you hadn’t tried to get me killed, so I’d wait for you in the afterlife. Or as a sacrifice. On some prophetical whim of yours. Like a true emperor, buried with his servants, spouses and pets. And now, now you’re just finishing your job… And of course, you don’t even have decency to make it quick.’

Great beginning. The breathless and feverish tone of Hux's narration is also excellent.

Except through his entire life, Ren had never really seemed to be so glowingglow as he did now, this pale face of his sunken in some darn corona of light, now.

^Some suggestions for phrasing

I like the juxtaposition of prince Kylo vs Hux with his very un-princely ! (One note, "crown prince" sounds more natural to my ear)

He’d managed to shelter in a huge building, looking like a temple or a tomb, (it looked like a temple or a tomb),...

^Phrasing suggestion

He wished for one of Jakku’s poisons, the one which brought nice sleep or pleasant fantasies, but he doubted Ren’d know how to make one.

^There's a few spots throughout the fic where you've used present tense instead of past, I've pulled one out here and corrected it in bold.

The ship dynamic was great, I loved Hux's constant internal calculations trying to explain Ren's actions. And the ending was a perfect fit to that overall dynamic!

Please let me know if there's anything you want me to elaborate on or if you'd like me to take a second pass to look for something in particular, I'm happy to!

[filigranka]

Awww, thank you, especially about the nice words about the structure and ship dynamics. I definitely prefer Kylo and Hux to be at least constantly on edge in each other's presence (if not downright enemies or non-con shipping, which I like, too) and for Hux not to forget the past abuse (him being to tuned to Kylo's gestures and moods, and constantly alarmed in his presence, expecting some sort of punishment is the best shippy stuff for me, especially in the context of Hux's father, around whom, I bet, Armitage was exactly the same. mymymy, so many daddy issues all around :D - but that's only one facet I like, I like trying different things for my fav pairings), so I'm incredibly happy that you liked it! <3

I definitely have the problem with tense-switching, I'm fighting a continuous battle with it (I see some progress, even! ;)). in Polish, mixing tenses is how we convey some time-relations between events and while intellectually I know it's something which is a big NO in English grammar, I still do it. Or sometimes I just made a typo and forget the "-ed", I admit. I will give this fic another pass and try to catch as many instances of it as I can, thank you for the notice!

Thank you very, very much, especially (but only, of course) for the praise of my beginning - I tend to think of my openings as weak, but perhaps it's because I think of them all, at some general writer level, and get irritated that I use a few same-y tricks/devices. The comments in this round, all praising my openings, helped me realised it doesn't really matter so much for the reader - if a device works, then it works, even it it's not most original rhetoric figure. It gave a big boost in self-confidence, thank you very, very much!