I picked this one because it’s a canon I’m familiar with and a trope I love. I really liked it! Your Napoleon voice was good: his observations felt IC and so did his sardonic detachment to what was going on. Their dynamic also worked for me, because it kept the prickliness while also showing how familiar they have become with each other. It also captured the tone of the canon — where things are tropey and fun even when they’re serious — pretty well.
The beginning, however, failed to grab me at first. Since it’s a very tropey and canon-adjacent, maybe you could’ve skipped some of the narrative summary. We don’t need to know how they got caught, only that Delafield does nasty concoctions and has captured them. That could have given the actual central action, the sex under duress, more breathing space.
Laboratories, in Napoleon’s experience, were never good, but this one was particularly ominous. There was a table with worn straps in the center of the room (what was it with these sorts of men and tying people to tables?) and a table filled with vials against the wall.
For example, that line could’ve been the first one. It’s a better hook and it would have established your Napoleon voice straight away, which is one of the strengths of the fic.
Whatever tortures the other drug would inflict, it would at least give him and Illya enough time to formulate an escape before they began spilling all of their secrets.
This is one of those asides where their dynamic shines through. They’re very in sync.
When it comes to the description, I think you focus a bit too much on making the reader visualize the action, so the other senses aren’t as present. It could help if there was more tactile or flavor description that was also… specific. For example, we only know that the injection makes Napoleon feels “a floating feeling like particularly good painkillers”. I think you could’ve been more specific about that ‘floating’ feeling. More phrases like this the nausea returned, like his stomach was in an ever-tightening vise. could make your writing a bit more vivid. When you mention Illya smells like soap, what’s that smell like? Bland? Fresh? Does it contrast with how the laboratory smells? How does Illya sound? Your writing gets more descriptive during the sex scene, but that focus could help the rest of your writing.
"Let me handle this. We’ll play this likeAnkara." There had been a laboratory there as well, and nearly as many armed men. It was just a matter of waiting for the right distraction.
Again, the way you establish their post-canon is great and feels natural in the fic. It’s also very present during the sex scene and that gives the fic emotional weight.
Your ending didn’t feel abrupt, but I wonder if you couldn’t give the climax a bit more attention. and the thing was, it was still the best sex Napoleon had had in years. If this could be given some more attention, some more signposting of ‘this is what the fic’s about’, the fic might flow better. The actual ending does really work, for me. It closes the fic, but leaves the question of how they’re going to deal with it open.
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timeasmymeasure
Truth or dare
Date: 2020-08-24 11:00 pm (UTC)The beginning, however, failed to grab me at first. Since it’s a very tropey and canon-adjacent, maybe you could’ve skipped some of the narrative summary. We don’t need to know how they got caught, only that Delafield does nasty concoctions and has captured them. That could have given the actual central action, the sex under duress, more breathing space.
Laboratories, in Napoleon’s experience, were never good, but this one was particularly ominous. There was a table with worn straps in the center of the room (what was it with these sorts of men and tying people to tables?) and a table filled with vials against the wall.
For example, that line could’ve been the first one. It’s a better hook and it would have established your Napoleon voice straight away, which is one of the strengths of the fic.
Whatever tortures the other drug would inflict, it would at least give him and Illya enough time to formulate an escape before they began spilling all of their secrets.
This is one of those asides where their dynamic shines through. They’re very in sync.
When it comes to the description, I think you focus a bit too much on making the reader visualize the action, so the other senses aren’t as present. It could help if there was more tactile or flavor description that was also… specific. For example, we only know that the injection makes Napoleon feels “a floating feeling like particularly good painkillers”. I think you could’ve been more specific about that ‘floating’ feeling. More phrases like this the nausea returned, like his stomach was in an ever-tightening vise. could make your writing a bit more vivid. When you mention Illya smells like soap, what’s that smell like? Bland? Fresh? Does it contrast with how the laboratory smells? How does Illya sound? Your writing gets more descriptive during the sex scene, but that focus could help the rest of your writing.
"Let me handle this. We’ll play this likeAnkara." There had been a laboratory there as well, and nearly as many armed men. It was just a matter of waiting for the right distraction.
Again, the way you establish their post-canon is great and feels natural in the fic. It’s also very present during the sex scene and that gives the fic emotional weight.
Your ending didn’t feel abrupt, but I wonder if you couldn’t give the climax a bit more attention. and the thing was, it was still the best sex Napoleon had had in years. If this could be given some more attention, some more signposting of ‘this is what the fic’s about’, the fic might flow better. The actual ending does really work, for me. It closes the fic, but leaves the question of how they’re going to deal with it open.