Concrit for Within_a_dream

[withinadream]

 I want to receive feedback by: Comments on this post (comments are unscreened), Dreamwidth PMs, emails to withinadream27@gmail.com

Here are the works I want feedback on : Anything on my AO3 account. 

My works' fandoms and content notes are: I've written the most for Les Mis (AMT, usually book and musical hybrid) and the Benjamin January mysteries, but I have fics for a variety of fandoms. Full list of fandoms under the cut. I have ratings from G-E, gen and all relationship types, mostly NAWA with a decent minority CNTW and some noncon and major character death. 

Les Misérables - All Media Types (26)

Benjamin January Mysteries - Barbara Hambly (12)

Les Misérables - Victor Hugo (7)

The Adventure Zone (Podcast) (3)

The Man From U.N.C.L.E. (2015) (3)

The Queen's Thief - Megan Whalen Turner (2)

Agent Carter (TV) (2)

Graceland (TV) (2)

Stanton & Barling - E.M. Powell (2)

Whitechapel (TV) (2)

Sins of the Cities Series - K. J. Charles (2)

The Magnificent Seven (2016) (2)

Phantom 309 - Red Sovine (Song) (1)

Green Men Series - K. J. Charles (1)

The Best Ever Death Metal Band in Denton - The Mountain Goats (Song) (1)

Like Real People Do - Hozier (Song) (1)

Hamlet - Shakespeare (1)

The Alienist (TV) (1)

The Witcher (TV) (1)

X Company (TV) (1)

Chicago Med (1)

Furnace Room Lullaby - Neko Case (Song) (1)

Østenfor sol og vestenfor måne | East of the Sun and West of the Moon (1)

Miss Fisher's Murder Mysteries (1)

On the Bus Mall - The Decemberists (Song) (1)

Overlord (Movie 2018) (1)

Wolf 359 (Radio) (1)

The Bright Sessions (Podcast) (1)

Ghosted (TV 2017) (1)

Band Sinister - K. J. Charles (1)

Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater (1)

The Lighthouse's Tale - Nickel Creek (Song) (1)

We Know the Devil (Visual Novel) (1)

Timeless (TV 2016) (1)

Killing Eve (TV 2018) (1)

Marvel Cinematic Universe (1)

They Can't Take That Away from Me - George Gershwin and Ira Gershwin (Song) (1)

King of the Road - Roger Miller (Song) (1)

The Daemon Lover | The House Carpenter - Anonymous (Song) (1)

Apostle (2018) (1)

Affinity - Sarah Waters (1)

Guardians of the Galaxy (Movies) (1)

Alfie (Webcomic) (1)

Much Ado About Nothing - Shakespeare (1)

The Boys Are Back in Town (to kill you) - JerryTerry (Music Video) (1)

Rivers of London - Ben Aaronovitch (1)

Wait Till Helen Comes - Mary Downing Hahn (1)

Stumptown (TV) (1)

Bosch (TV) (1)

A Charm of Magpies Series - K. J. Charles (1)

I have these questions for readers:

-Anything that strikes you would be very welcome! Do my endings feel too abrupt?
-Do my endings feel too abrupt?
-How strong are my descriptions, can you visualize what's happening?

I would prefer gentle (5) or direct (1) feedback, or something in between: Anywhere from 3-1 is great! 

Comments

Truth or dare

[sadisticsparkle]

I picked this one because it’s a canon I’m familiar with and a trope I love. I really liked it! Your Napoleon voice was good: his observations felt IC and so did his sardonic detachment to what was going on. Their dynamic also worked for me, because it kept the prickliness while also showing how familiar they have become with each other. It also captured the tone of the canon — where things are tropey and fun even when they’re serious — pretty well.

The beginning, however, failed to grab me at first. Since it’s a very tropey and canon-adjacent, maybe you could’ve skipped some of the narrative summary. We don’t need to know how they got caught, only that Delafield does nasty concoctions and has captured them. That could have given the actual central action, the sex under duress, more breathing space.

Laboratories, in Napoleon’s experience, were never good, but this one was particularly ominous. There was a table with worn straps in the center of the room (what was it with these sorts of men and tying people to tables?) and a table filled with vials against the wall.

For example, that line could’ve been the first one. It’s a better hook and it would have established your Napoleon voice straight away, which is one of the strengths of the fic.

Whatever tortures the other drug would inflict, it would at least give him and Illya enough time to formulate an escape before they began spilling all of their secrets.

This is one of those asides where their dynamic shines through. They’re very in sync.

When it comes to the description, I think you focus a bit too much on making the reader visualize the action, so the other senses aren’t as present. It could help if there was more tactile or flavor description that was also… specific. For example, we only know that the injection makes Napoleon feels “a floating feeling like particularly good painkillers”. I think you could’ve been more specific about that ‘floating’ feeling. More phrases like this the nausea returned, like his stomach was in an ever-tightening vise. could make your writing a bit more vivid. When you mention Illya smells like soap, what’s that smell like? Bland? Fresh? Does it contrast with how the laboratory smells? How does Illya sound? Your writing gets more descriptive during the sex scene, but that focus could help the rest of your writing.

"Let me handle this. We’ll play this likeAnkara." There had been a laboratory there as well, and nearly as many armed men. It was just a matter of waiting for the right distraction.

Again, the way you establish their post-canon is great and feels natural in the fic. It’s also very present during the sex scene and that gives the fic emotional weight.

Your ending didn’t feel abrupt, but I wonder if you couldn’t give the climax a bit more attention. and the thing was, it was still the best sex Napoleon had had in years. If this could be given some more attention, some more signposting of ‘this is what the fic’s about’, the fic might flow better. The actual ending does really work, for me. It closes the fic, but leaves the question of how they’re going to deal with it open.

Re: Truth or dare

[withinadream]

Thank you so much! This is really helpful. It definitely gave me a good idea of where to focus my descriptions in future fics, and I especially liked your comments on the beginning and perhaps starting the fic later. Thank you!