concrit_x | Concrit for htbthomas

htbthomas posting in

I want to receive feedback by: email htbthomas@gmail.com or comments to this post!

Here are the works I want feedback on: Anything at https://archiveofourown.org/users/htbthomas/works - especially M and E-rated stories, or any rating of F/F. No safe works.

My works' fandoms and content notes are: I mostly write superhero fandoms or TV comedies, though if a fandom contains secret identity it has a good shot of being on my list. See tags on works for full list of fandoms and content.

I have these questions for readers: I don't think I'm very good at writing M/E scenes, and my F/F seems to fall flat. What would improve it?

I would prefer gentle (5) or direct (1) feedback, or something in between: 2-3

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

From:

jessalae

Hello! (How do you introduce a comment like this? Uh, here's some concrit, I hope it's the right amount of direct?)

Delusions of Voyeur
I really enjoyed this! I love a good side-character-comments-on-the-main-action piece, and your Mindy and your Janet are so fun. I absolutely love the idea that Janet can only get Mindy the most mediocre version of her requests, and the gradual build towards getting actually decent things.

I picked this fic to comment on because it’s one of your few M/E rated pieces in a fandom I actually know, but I get the sense that the M-ness is not actually central to what you were trying to do with the fic. It was more a missing scene, slice of life thing than porn. I’ll give some feedback on a couple of the more M-rated bits and how you could make them hotter, since you specifically wanted that!

From Mindy creeps up the stairs...: I’d love to see more of Mindy’s thought process behind why this is exciting. She goes straight from the realization that they’re banging to starting to masturbate, and while that is obviously the choice her character would make, you could add some more tension/hotness by pointing out how it’s different hearing real people banging than imagining [insert whatever fantasy here]. You could also expand a lot on “images of what must be happening,” with her thinking about their bodies, what she likes about them, and what she’d like to see.

Eleanor’s line in this bit kind of falls flat for me, because it seems like pretty cliche porn dialogue? I feel like Eleanor would be more sweary and creative in her dirty talk. You could also go in for comedy (“Fork, Chidi, yes, god your dong is so forking good--” and Mindy being like ...that’s deeply unsexy but you know what, I’ll take it.)

Mindy asking for a ball gag is VERY hot. Good choice.

From She's ready to go when the first sounds begin... -- It seems less important that they take the room with the biggest bed, and more important that they take the room she’s drilled her peephole into, yes? I like the detail about the wine, though. If you want to make it sexier, you could definitely add more detail here about why she likes first times, what she can see that she’s only been able to imagine (and what surprises her?), etc.

This is more personal preference but I’m not a fan of the word “orgasms” as a verb (in She orgasms at least three times that night). I would do “comes” or “gets off” instead, they sound less formal/clinical to me and therefore hotter. But smut vocabulary is a hugely subjective thing, one person’s turn off is another’s bulletproof kink.

For the last scene, I wish we got a little more detail about Mindy and Eleanor’s conversation! What is Eleanor’s reaction to this revelation? It also wasn’t quite clear to me whether Mindy actually showed Eleanor the tape, or just told her about it? Did Eleanor take a copy with her? Does Mindy enjoy showing it to her, does she try to convince Eleanor that Eleanor and Chidi should bang with Mindy actually in the room filming in exchange for (idk, this valuable knowledge, whatever)?

The Natural and the The Divine

I’m totally unfamiliar with this canon, but I do love a good sexy fix-it. Since I don’t have canon knowledge, take my comments with a grain of salt -- I’m sure some of the things I mention would make way more sense if I knew the canon.

Really love the opening, and the idea of God wanting to smash two people’s faces together. Adorable and funny.

One thing I found tricky/confusing was trying to disambiguate between what Fleabag is saying to God and what she’s saying out loud. (Or is she saying everything out loud?) I wonder if there are different formatting or paragraph-dividing strategies you could use to distinguish who she’s talking to. One example: "Wha—how did—?" Fleabag tugs down her skirt over her ruined knickers. "I didn't what?"

"Lock the door," he says, directly replying to the aside she only thought He could hear. "We were too busy trying not to tear off each other's clothes. In public, anyway."

-- I’m not sure which aside was to Him, and which aside the priest was supposed to hear, and what’s going on here. I suspect it would make more sense if I knew the canon.

Some line by line feedback, focusing on the porn:

rucking up her skirt and ripping the seam out of her knickers with a frantic yank Honestly my immediate thought here is, damn, how cheap were her knickers that he just destroyed them? Which seam broke? Wouldn’t that hurt if he’s pulling on them hard enough to rip? I could see “pulled her knickers down so frantically she heard the elastic snap,” but this particular phrasing is distracting for me.

"You're so wet," he breathes against her ear when his hand strokes down to slip between her folds. I know you’ve been distinguishing God from the priest with capital vs lowercase He/he, but I think it’d still be helpful to say “the priest” here for extra clarity.

The priest can't take it any longer, he enters her with a grunt, and her body embraces him, coating his cock. "Oh, Gooooood," he groans. Okay, so, to me this is the least sexy line in this scene, when ideally it would be one of the most sexy. Some of it is vocabulary -- “enters her,” “grunt,” and “coating” are all not hot for me. (I’d go with “slides into her” “gasp/moan/cut-off noise” and I think just get rid of the “coating his cock” clause entirely, I love the “her body embraces him” and it doesn’t need anything else.) The drawn-out “Gooooood” just reads as silly to me. You already say he’s groaning, that implies some length to the phrase, I’d rather imagine how he drags it out than have it written out like that. I also think “can’t take it any longer” doesn’t really get across the depth of desperation you’re trying for. What is he waiting for, how is he feeling physically that makes him desperate to get inside her? Again, plenty of this is subjective, but the sliding-inside-for-the-first-time moment has a ton of potential to be super hot that I think is kind of missing here.

the sound of her elbows knocking against the wall getting louder. Ow? If this were happening to me I feel like I’d reposition. Maybe the aforementioned paint cans can be rocking? Or a floorboard is squeaking?

The heart can be a fickle organ, and it's one of His regrets that He hadn't spent longer on prototypes before going ahead with that design. Aww, I really like this line. I really enjoy how human your God character is, and this line is a great example of that.

Less than ten minutes later, the priest is thrusting his way to climax, and the biggest one Fleabag has had in months is about to follow on its heels. Less than ten minutes later is very fast, especially given that she’s had a rough day, with her dad in surgery. “Thrusting his way to climax” feels very impersonal/clinical? It would be hotter with more sensory information (“thrusting deep inside her, feeling his climax build”). Is Fleabag going to come just from penetration? If so, it seems unlikely she’ll be able to get there after he’s already done. If not, what else is going on that’s going to do the trick? You could swap it around and say that she’s still shaking with the biggest climax she’s had in months, and he’s about to follow her over the edge, and that would feel more realistic.

This is another scene where the who’s-talking-to-who problem comes in: Fleabag says “Bet you saw this coming” to Him, but then the priest adds “Who are we to argue with a fox?” -- so was he responding to Fleabag’s comment? Does he think she’s talking to him? Maybe it’s really just the verb “adds” that’s throwing me, because that makes it seem to me like the priest knows God is involved in the conversation, when that hasn’t been the case in other scenes.

Overall, I found this fic really charming! I’ve been meaning to check out this show, and it definitely makes me want to do that -- I like the characters, I like the comedy, it seems very fun. Nice job!

From: (Anonymous)

It was the right amount of concrit, and it makes me want to go edit both of these right now. :D

I appreciated your points of how to increase the hot factor - more mental images, less clinical vocabulary, avoiding silliness - next fic I will definitely add these points in. And pronoun trouble! I notice it in others' fics and I can't believe I messed it up here so much. Will make sure to focus on that for a while!

Thanks so much for your concrit. I have a lot to ponder and work on.