Concrit for vandoorne

[vandoorne]

I want to receive feedback by : Comment where the work is published (preferred) or on this post if it's more comfortable for you

Here are the works I want feedback on (optional: and my safe works are...): Any work posted on my Ao3 account (vandoorne) from July 2019 until present.

I would especially love to receive feedback about the following fics:

- imagine me and you series of 3 fics (Al Cappuccino, 13.6k words, explicit)
- 重臨舊情境 (chances are) (Al Cappuccino RPF, 16k words, explicit)
- your touch is supernatural (Line Walker: Bull Fight, 8.2k words, explicit)
- if you can be intimate (then it's no big deal) (Legal Mavericks, 6.3k words, explicit)
- devotion (The Prince of Tennis, 5.7k words, explicit)
- the stars go waltzing out in blue and red (The Prince of Tennis, 4.6k words, explicit)
- 折纸飞机碰到雨天终究会坠落 (paper airplanes in the rain) (The Prince of Tennis, 17.8k words, explicit, major character death)
- the last candle melts; the dawn wind is cold (Original Work, 10.2k words, explicit, rape/noncon)

I have works written in Chinese and Cantonese as well, and would love to receive feedback for those works too! Feedback can be in whichever language you are more comfortable with.

My works' fandoms and content notes are: Content notes, ratings and warnings vary from work to work and are all available on Ao3. I write for a variety of fandoms and I write original works as well.

I have these questions for readers:

- Is there anything that can be improved on for any fics I have written?
- For fics that I have made deliberate stylistic choices to read as if it is a translated work (most of my works in danmei fandoms, the last candle melts; the dawn wind is cold, devotion, are you smelling this shit (eau de resistance)) does this style fall flat? Is there anything I should change, keep, or improve on? (e.g. in terms of dialogue, phrasing, sentence structure etc.)
- I write a lot of explicit fics: is what I'm writing repetitive? What works and what doesn't work for these fics?
- A lot of my recent fics are for small fandoms that may not have an English translation available. I'd like to hear your opinions about the characters even if you're reading about them without canon knowledge, what do you think about their feelings, their actions and if it makes sense. I'd like your opinion based on what you understand about the characters and relationships based on what you learn about canon from my fics, if there's anything that works or doesn't work!
- For fics that are in Chinese or Cantonese, any form of feedback about phrasing, structure, style, writing, if I sound like I'm directly translating from English or not, any of these would be great!
- If you're in any of the fandoms for fics that I have written, what do you think of characterisation in my fics? Is there anything that works for you? What can be improved on?
- Would love to have feedback about the emotional impact of any of my fics, how did it make you feel, what made you like it and what made you dislike it.
- Are the endings of my fics okay? Do they work, are they too abrupt, or do they need to be fleshed out more?

The style of feedback I prefer to receive is: I'm interested in hearing any impression, good or bad. Direct feedback is alright for me, as long as it isn't entirely about negative aspects.

Comments to this post will be: unscreened

Comments

Concrit Posted + Bonus Thoughts

[azurrys]

I've posted my feedback on devotion on AO3!

Also, bonus thoughts re: repetitiveness in explicit fics —

For me personally, as long as an author is able to get across different kinds of dynamics that match the scenarios that they set up, I actively enjoy it when they're then repetitive in terms of their style/writing the same kinks across different scenarios or with different characters. There'll be some scenarios/dynamics that don't work for me, but being able to capture a breadth of them also means that there's probably something to my tastes in the mix. That's where your works tend to fall for me. What makes porn less enjoyably repetitive for me is when I feel that an author always seems to be writing the exact same dynamic regardless of the characters or scenarios, especially when there's dissonance between the scenario and dynamic; I find the scenarios and dynamics sufficiently different across your works so as not to be repetitive for the most part, and I usually feel that the dynamics match the scenario.

At the same time, your style is recognisable enough for me to pick out in a crowd, which I really like! For a specific example, one thing I've noticed and enjoyed across your explicit works is how the sex is typically framed in brief, short scenes and moments, broken up with line breaks in between. I really like this because it gets straight to the point, picks out the hottest moments of the porn and focuses on them, which I enjoy a lot! Another thing that works well for me (especially in the PWPs) is your use of direct descriptions. No embarrassment, just very clear and vivid imagery. That's one of the things I look for in kink fic and which I find that your works do well for me.

For the most part, I've found that what works/doesn't work for me for your works tends to simply be whether or not I like the kinks. If they're kinks I like, then chances are I'll like the work, since I enjoy your style! I sometimes do struggle with the fact that kinks I like can come packaged with kinks I don't like, but this is just a natural hazard of any fic so I'd say it's a feature, not a bug.

tl;dr: I like the porn you write, haha.

[colorcoded]

I hope it's okay to leave these comments here as I feel weird leaving canon-blind comments on fic sometimes (these are all canon-blind - I decided to pick out the Prince of Tennis fics you listed).


devotion
https://archiveofourown.org/works/22230334

I like the descriptions this opens with, in the first paragraph. Sets the scene, establishes an atmosphere.

'Am I that painful to look at? Even a tailor boy can't bring himself to meet my gaze.'
'Mistress, what are you saying?' the maid smiles thinly. 'Siyang, go. Take the mistress' measurements.'
Already the open self-loathing here and the relationship between mistress and maid is intriguing.

where he is hastily keeping his measuring tape into his bag.
Keeping his measuring tape into his bag? Is this a typo?

The last thing that he has to mask his emotions in front of an audience of which he must always pretend.
Minor issue but I got a bit tripped up on this sentence. Is the "of which" referring to the emotions he must pretend to have, or to the audience he has to pretend to? I thought by proximity it was referring to the audience (in which case "to which" might be more appropriate), but if it's about the emotions, then maybe it would be good to restructure the sentence to clarify.

His glasses has already slid down his nose
Another minor note, but it should be "His glasses have".

I like the dialogue and the descriptions. It's all really well done and flows smoothly. I especially like the interlude where Siyang is making the qipao for Zhuo Zhi. It shows the passage of time and the eagerness of these characters to meet again and also what they mean to each other. I also like the decision to drop into the middle of the sex scene with some details of the buildup being mentioned later. It works well in terms of pacing.

My impressions of characterization: I like the contrast between these two characters: Zhuo Zhi in the lap of luxury but bored and a bit cruel; Siyang humble and unassuming. I think the core characterization works for the fic and the sex scene, with Siyang without much worldly experience but wanting to infuse Zhuo Zhi's life with joy however he can, and with Zhuo Zhi wanting passion and affirmation.

The ending is not abrupt exactly but not particularly strong/punchy either (maybe a bit anticlimactic?). Then again, after a nice sex scene, sometimes there's not much more that needs to be said, and letting it drag on can ruin the pacing. This ending doesn't drag; it's a good length. I also like the hint here that Siyang has ambitions and his meeting with Zhuo Zhi is accompanied by a new confidence in his work (Zhuo Zhi as "muse"). I also like the tenderness of the ending here. But some suggestions for an ending that might feel a bit stronger or more punchy (feel free to ignore these): Given that the fic opens with Siyang approaching the mansion, perhaps a bookend with Siyang leaving the mansion and looking back at it. You've built up some imagery/motifs (the qipao, flower symbolism, seasons, music and dancing) - maybe ending with a callback to one of those might make the ending more satisfying. Or, I like the contrast between Zhuo Zhi in private vs. how he is when he's playing a kind of human ornament ("His makeup has been fixed, and there is nary a strand of hair out of place.") - I wonder if more can be done with that in the ending, like Zhuo Zhi putting on his public face again, but there's a glimmer of his private face that only Siyang can see.

I'm not familiar with the danmei translation style you're trying to capture here, but I think the style reads perfectly fine. It is not flat. It reads quite easily and it builds up a sort of dreamy, romantic atmosphere.


the stars go waltzing out in blue and red
https://archiveofourown.org/works/24599245

He recognises Zhuo Zhi's attempts to get him to behave more like a boyfriend rather than a teammate who is actually invested in his development in tennis as less displays of affection and more attempts to run away from the actual fact that despite what people say, despite all he has shown, despite what he has done?
I tripped up on this sentence. There's a lot of words in between "as less displays of affection and more attempts to run away" and what those words are referring to ("Zhuo Zhi's attempts"), which makes the sentence a bit hard to parse. And then the thought isn't completed within the sentence but continues on to the next few sentences, so that also makes the sentence a bit hard to understand the first time. It could perhaps benefit from some restructuring?

his triple counters which Siyang admits that has enough substance as it has style
I think this is clearer if it says "his triple counters which [even?] Siyang admits has as much substance as it has style" or "his triple counters which Siyang admits has enough substance at least to match their style".

Oh snap at the plot twist! I liked the dynamic here between Zhuo Zhi and Siyang, where Siyang is the external element that Zhuo Zhi needs to motivate himself to cultivate his talent when his natural inclination is to quietly fail and move on. (I haven't watched Prince of Tennis but I've seen enough sports anime to get the kind of character types that are involved.) I'm guessing that this fic goes through some of the key events from the series but with the twist that Siyang isn't actually a character but someone only Zhuo Zhi sees.

I didn't think the sex scene here was repetitive with the one in the other fic - different emotional tenors and different build-up. Some impressions on characterization here: Zhuo Zhi seems clearly similar to the Zhuo Zhi in the AU fic - lonely, a bit bored, someone whose potential is languishing. Siyang seems pretty different but possibly due to a bit of a power reversal? Both Siyangs seem very serious and buttoned down but here this Siyang seems to be a team captain type(?) while the Siyang in the other fic is a lowly tailor. The ending here is good - I don't think it's too abrupt or anything.

Aside from the minor issues I highlighted, I think the prose, pacing, etc. here is very good. In general, I think this fic is very well-constructed and I very much enjoyed the dynamic between the characters with Siyang as both a coach and a love interest for Zhuo Zhi and kind of blurring those roles, and the study of Zhuo Zhi's psychology and relationship to competitive sport.



折纸飞机碰到雨天终究会坠落 (paper airplanes in the rain)
https://archiveofourown.org/works/23171593

I'm a fan of worldbuilding for things like soulmate AUs, so I enjoyed that aspect of the fic.

'I,' Zilong says, mouth dry. 'I don't know how to appreciate flowers,' he says in a rush. He notices how Shiting's face falls a little, a slip in his composure.
I enjoyed Zilong's tongue-tied-ness here, and the little glimpse he gets of Shiting's feelings.

For the record, Bai Shiting does not need any help with studying History.
I love this one-sentence note.

I like the nervousness Zilong feels at going on not!dates with Shiting like the concert and flower-viewing, and the fantasy at the beach followed by the masturbation in the showers. It gives the feeling of a crush slowly spiraling out of control

There's a couple short scenes after Shiting is hospitalized (one that starts with: "'Have you talked to your parents?' Liu Lian asks." And the next one: "It's one of the rare times when Shiting is in school now and there's tennis practice.") where I wasn't really sure of their purpose. The first one has some important information, but the scene feels like it ends quite quickly before it has done much, and some of its themes are fleshed out better (and maybe at a better point in time?) in a later scene (the one that starts: "Unsurprisingly, Shiting asks Zilong to meet him at the rooftop garden."). Is Liu Lian's presence important for understanding an aspect of their relationship, perhaps? The second one seems a bit random/disconnected from other scenes, and I'm also not sure about the significance of the ending of the scene (does Shiting's hand burn because Zilong is very nervous/sensitive to Shiting's touch, or because Shiting has a fever?). I'm reading canon-blind so I might have just missed something that other people would find obvious.

As I mentioned in my notes for the other fic, I generally find your writing style works and flows well. However, there was one scene (the scene with Shiting and Siyang) where I felt the dialogue became awkwardly stilted, but then it went back to being fine:

'Do you like to frown?' Shiting asks, curious.
'Oh! It's become a habit,' Siyang admits.
Maybe this exchange makes sense with canon knowledge. But it seemed like an odd question to ask and an odd answer to give.

'It's hard to relax when there's something you can't let go of.'
A bit of an awkward way to say he's worried about something.

'Sometimes I tell myself to let go of something, to stop worrying. But in the end, something bad always happens. Isn't that the case sometimes?'
'You're right. But since I've chosen to believe in them, then I have to believe that no matter what happens, there's always a way to solve the problem,'
The reply here brings up people (the captainless team - presumably what was on Shiting's mind already), but it's a bit out of the blue and the reference to solving a "problem" is also confusing.

The double tension here of not knowing whether Shiting would be Zilong's soulmate or not, and whether Shiting would make it through his surgery or not! It works very well. The soulmark mechanic does a good job of nudging these characters in the direction of unresolved pining and also has effects on Shiting's decision to go through with a dangerous surgery (the stakes might have been changed had he gotten his soulmark earlier), which I find interesting.

Finally, the end with the letter really ties the whole fic together. There's a lot of catharsis with Shiting finally divulging his feelings and reflecting on their relationship and trying to give Zilong the closure he will need. Shiting's articulation of his feelings also doubles as an articulation of Zilong's because they both had the same hopes and fears that held them back from initiating a relationship. I like the layers upon layers of tragedy here. This ending worked very well - not abrupt or anything like that.

Regarding my impressions of characterization, I didn't get quite as strong of an impression of personality from these two as I got from Zhuo Zhi and Mu Siyang. These two both seemed like straight-laced, high-achieving types with refined artistic hobbies. They're close to each other and hold each other in high regard, with a bit more loyalty elements on Zilong's side. I also enjoyed the supporting characters, especially Zilong's grandfather and Liu Lian. I felt they had interesting roles to play in how the main two characters interacted with each other.

There was not much explicit content in this one, but here too I didn't think it was repetitive with the sex scenes from other fic.

Some minor issues I noticed:

Zilong supposes that well, if he listens to what Liu Lian says then well,
I think one of the "well"s here could be deleted.

all bloody and without any fancy wrapping paper to staunch the bleeding as it drips blood all over the floor?
The bloody/bleeding/blood in this sentence gets a bit repetitive - maybe two could be combined, or one replaced with a synonym.

Zilong cannot help but look at them with nothing but fondness.
I stumble on this sentence because of the nested exclusions here, where it's unclear what the "scope" of the exclusions are and the sentence gives off the impression of containing a double negative. I would rephrase this so that there's at most one level of exclusion in this sentence (e.g. "Zilong cannot help but look at them with fondness" or "Zilong cannot help looking at them with anything but fondness" or "Zilong can't help it; he looks at them with nothing but fondness").

Zilong aches so badly when sees Shiting like this.
A "he" is missing here.

'But well, there isn't anything much for us to be worried about right now, isn't it?
"isn't it?" should be "is there?"


I hope these notes are helpful! I thought your fic did a good job of evoking loyalty and all-consuming pining and desire. I also sometimes watched the links you left in the endnotes about your inspiration, and I definitely felt that your fic captured the emotional vibe of those videos/songs.