Concrit for Luzula
Apr. 14th, 2021 11:55 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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concrit_xI want to receive feedback by : email (luzula at fripost dot org) or comment on this post.
Here are the works I want feedback on: Here are my works. It would be most useful to me to get feedback on more recent works, say, within the last six years. But if you really want to do one of my older works, you can. What I would like most is to get feedback on my Flight of the Heron writing, but most of what I've done there is longfics, and I understand if you don't have the time for that! If you want, you could read the first 10,000 words or so of If Fate Should Reverse Our Positions. Or if you want something short and self-contained, you could do A Last Taste of Life. It's a different but tangentially related fandom, with a similar style. But if there's something else I've written which is in fandom you're in, or that you otherwise feel attracted to reading, do go with that.
My works' fandoms and content notes are: Most of my older work is in due South, but otherwise I mostly write in rarelit fandoms, currently the 18th century historical fandom Flight of the Heron. But in the last six years I've also written Star Wars, The Dark is Rising, Earthsea, Temeraire, etc. For content notes, check the fics, but I don't think I have any that apply to so many of my fics that they're worth mentioning. I write the full spectrum from porn to gen.
I have these questions for readers: Well, mostly I want to know things I didn't know to ask about! Like, if I knew it was an issue I suppose I would have worked more on it...but anyway, I'd love to get feedback about any aspects of style/plot/structure/characterization/setting.
The style of feedback I prefer to receive is: A mix of positive and negative aspects is most useful to me.
Comments to this post will be: unscreened
Here are the works I want feedback on: Here are my works. It would be most useful to me to get feedback on more recent works, say, within the last six years. But if you really want to do one of my older works, you can. What I would like most is to get feedback on my Flight of the Heron writing, but most of what I've done there is longfics, and I understand if you don't have the time for that! If you want, you could read the first 10,000 words or so of If Fate Should Reverse Our Positions. Or if you want something short and self-contained, you could do A Last Taste of Life. It's a different but tangentially related fandom, with a similar style. But if there's something else I've written which is in fandom you're in, or that you otherwise feel attracted to reading, do go with that.
My works' fandoms and content notes are: Most of my older work is in due South, but otherwise I mostly write in rarelit fandoms, currently the 18th century historical fandom Flight of the Heron. But in the last six years I've also written Star Wars, The Dark is Rising, Earthsea, Temeraire, etc. For content notes, check the fics, but I don't think I have any that apply to so many of my fics that they're worth mentioning. I write the full spectrum from porn to gen.
I have these questions for readers: Well, mostly I want to know things I didn't know to ask about! Like, if I knew it was an issue I suppose I would have worked more on it...but anyway, I'd love to get feedback about any aspects of style/plot/structure/characterization/setting.
The style of feedback I prefer to receive is: A mix of positive and negative aspects is most useful to me.
Comments to this post will be: unscreened
concrit assignment - At the Hearth of Estre
Date: 2021-05-08 04:34 pm (UTC)The book was more engrossing than I'd remembered. I should have revisited it sooner.
I really like how your story opens just at the end of the book, with Genly having just finished his tale to Therem's father and son, and continues with his thoughts. And the thoughts are questions that seem to me to be just the sort he'd be thinking on at this point. Although 'what was his relationship to his brother' is a bit ingenuous given that he found out they'd had a child together not long before -- I think it's clear enough that you meant that he was wondering how those two relationships had compared in Therem's thoughts and feelings, something a reader of the novel knows somewhat of, but Genly it seems does not.
I think that's not a confusion I would have expected him to have, but it's plausible -- Genly as a character is sometimes keenly observant of feelings of others and sometimes blindly ignorant, and which of those he finds more desirable or which is objectively more desirable is a judgment call, for certain. And I get the feeling you're implying it's because he had his own preferences for what that feeling might be and that made him keen to not know? Which I think works really well, as motivation and impetus for a reader of your story.
Leading into the diary entries, there's a question of trust. How did Estraven trust Ai when Ai didn't trust Estraven. This maybe set up their issues. I think this works well as a setup for the ending, and yet, it's subtle enough that on my first read, I didn't pick that up and was surprised when I finished the diary part that it was 'what if I'd trusted him at the beginning as he did me' that was Genly's turning point he thought of. So, maybe it would've been a good idea to have, not just this mention of trust in the last line before the diary bit, but some additional exposition on that, to make it stick out more.
I was confused by "kyoremmy" until I realized it was a misspelling for "kyorremy" - they're similar enough, but the word is so unfamiliar, and it's repeated so I didn't think it might be a typo till I got to the right one in the book.
The diary entries I enjoyed very much, especially Estraven's reaction to Ai's name, and his reaction to the purpose of the Ekumen. "His words pierce my heart." I *love* that. And the dream, and his interpretation of his dream, were really cool.
"Neither must I think that we on Gethen are less than they are, despite their superior technology." I don't think this is a thought that would occur to Estraven or even to most Gethenians. They don't consider their technology inferior - they consider the alien technology more, perhaps, or different, but not *better.* Maybe 'extraordinary capabilities' or 'great number' rather than superior technology would have been more suitable...
I felt a sense of let down when I read the immediate reaction of Genly following the diary entries, even though it's a call back to the 'trust' thing just before. The diary entries to me don't seem to raise the question of 'what would have been different if Genly trusted Therem immediately?' and, sure, maybe Genly is wondering that because he has this evidence that Therem did immediately trust him, written in Therem's hand and 'heard' in his voice as he read, but it seems so unlikely as the point that things would have changed.
Because, Genly did grow to trust Therem, and then felt like that trust had been broken when Therem left him behind when he went to speak with the King, and if that would've happened anyway, well, Therem had left while Genly was doing that? And if Genly had trusted him more intially, I doubt the trust would've ended up anywhere different by that point because Therem still wouldn't have been able to invite Genly over or give the appearance of being too close, he still wouldn't have given him advice because of considering him an equal, etc, and so even starting with trust wouldn't have changed much at all?
I feel like it would've made more sense for him to wonder what would have been different if he had *understood* Therem from the beginning, because that could have actually changed things.
I like the last two paragraphs more, about what he can and can't regret. They work well, and my only wish there is more of that, they felt too short and I wanted him to go on with how he carries Therem and what he plans to do next and how Therem will impact that.
Overall I'm really glad I read this story and that you wrote it!
Re: concrit assignment - At the Hearth of Estre
Date: 2021-05-08 07:22 pm (UTC)Re: concrit assignment - At the Hearth of Estre
Date: 2021-05-11 08:25 pm (UTC)Second, it's so interesting how people approach giving concrit. I'd focused a lot on writing style in one of my assignments, and you focus a lot on characterization. Which is definitely welcome and helpful to me!
I should say that this story was quite difficult for me--it was a Yuletide assignment, and I struggled for quite a long time with what to write. I've written LHoD fic before, but with original characters, and with that freedom, it wasn't difficult. But rereading canon, I felt like there were just no chinks in it where I could write something about Genly and Therem, because it's so good as is! Finally I ended up with this pre-canon idea, but with a post-canon frame.
And I get the feeling you're implying it's because he had his own preferences for what that feeling might be and that made him keen to not know? Which I think works really well, as motivation and impetus for a reader of your story.
Actually, re: these sentences in the story, There's still so much I don't know about him. What was his relationship to his brother, Arek, whom he heard in my mind-speech? And to his kemmering, Foreth rem ir Osboth? The whole universe of his thoughts and feelings, which are now gone. I think you credit me with being deeper than I was! All I really meant to convey was Genly's contradictory wish to get closer to Therem while also being reluctant to pry into his most intimate relationships.
Oops, sorry about the kyorremy misspelling! Will correct, thanks.
Glad you enjoyed the diary entries! I do love epistolary/journal fic.
I think your distinction between trust and understanding is very interesting! You're right that understanding would have made much more of a difference in how things went. And if I'd got that feedback in the beta process, would definitely have used it to tweak the story.
Neither must I think that we on Gethen are less than they are, despite their superior technology. I think I meant this to show that Therem, despite being less influenced by it than many, still thinks in terms of shifgrethor. I can't say I entirely understand that concept, but it's related to honour and pride, and I suppose that's what I was trying to capture. But on reflection, I think you're right they might not think Hainish technology superior, or not immediately so, anyway. Gethen seems an extremely careful culture when it comes to technology, and I think would be quite slow to adopt alien technology, before they could be sure it wouldn't upset the underpinnings of their survival.
Thanks so much for your thoughtful feedback on the story!