Concrit for Kaiosea

[kaiosea]

I want to receive feedback by any of these:
-Comment on my DW post in this community
-Comment where the work is published on AO3 - if you do this, please mention in the comment that you are doing it for concrit-x so that I know
-Email (kaioseas at gmail dot com) Note the extra s at the end, haha.

Here are the works I want feedback on (and my safe works are...):
I would love feedback on my more recent fics (except safe works), especially what I posted from 2017-present. Some of the fandoms I've written for overall are: 
World Trigger (Anime & Manga): Play Rough, Play Nice; Humming; and you still followed me away; Golden Spiral
BNHA: Darker Strains of Mercy (wip)
The Untamed: if you’re gonna get me addicted (you have my permission) 
Daiya no A: hot air always rises; Monster Rookie
Hana no Mizo Shiru | Only the Flower Knows: Sun-awaiting
Ping Pong the Animation: love the second glances
Ajin: Passion Grip 
Durarara!!
Haikyuu
Attack on Titan

I’ve written for many other random fandoms as well: Here’s a link to my AO3 profile without any filtering.
However, if there’s a ship, fandom, or particular tag that you’re familiar with/particularly excited about reading and the fic is older than 2017, feel free to go for that. Anything except my safe works is fair game.
My safe works are (no feedback please!): Cold Eyes, I seek the veins beneath your skin, Forwards or Better, Crossing Borders.
Here’s a link to my fics with the “safe” ones filtered out.


My works' fandoms and content notes are:
I’ve written a variety of things, including a lot of porn. My works generally have content tags. There are a couple fics that are tagged cntw along with other tags. If you have a question about anything content-related before reading, I’m happy to answer.

I have these questions for readers:
(Please don’t feel like you have to answer all of these, but I’m interested in your thoughts on any of them.)

• What did you think/feel about the summary and title before you read the fic? Did this change after having read the fic?
• I’m interested in your emotional reactions as you read the fic. What surprised you? What worked for you or what didn’t?
• How clear was the plot, or the characters’ motivations, or the physicality of what was happening?
• What sense of writing style did you get? I feel like my style is very different from fic to fic since I try to change it to fit the canon or story, so I am always interested in how it comes off.
• If you know the canon, how do you feel like it relates to canon? If you don’t know the canon, what are your impressions of the characters just from my fic?
• What did you think of the dialogue/prose?
• Anything else that you felt while reading?

The style of feedback I prefer to receive is:
I’m interested in your honest impressions, whether they’re good or bad. However, I wouldn’t like to receive just harsh criticism. If you want to focus on areas of improvement, that’s great for me, but please let me know what you enjoyed as well. 

I’m not interested in SPAG feedback. (That said, if you notice a typo, I would not be offended if you pointed it out *sweatdrop*)

Overall, I would also love if you could be as specific as you can. If something worked for you or didn’t work for you, what specific elements in the fic contributed to forming that impression?

Quoting lines or passages is something I also would find helpful.

Comments to this post will be:
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Comments

[vandoorne]

Concrit for: Memento Mori

I haven't consumed Moriarty the Patriot, but I have an osmosis knowledge of it due to consuming fanworks of it and being told the story thanks to a friend, so I'm not entirely canon blind. I looked at the request of the prompter as well to get a feel of what was written to fulfil the prompt.

What I thought/felt about the summary and title before and after I read the fic:

Before I read the fic: From your title and note, I did get the pun in the title. I thought that the fic might be about memory and death, and your summary made me expect a hot and steamy scene between Albert and William, and from the present/request dialogue presented it felt like there may be an imbalance in the power dynamics to me. (side note: is there a typo for William's name in the summary?)

After I read the fic: I thought the summary did a good job of conveying William and Albert's dynamic throughout the fic. The title didn't really work for me though, as I didn't quite see the relation between it and scene in the story.

My emotional reactions as I read the fic, what worked and what didn't:

I thought that you set up a steamy scene here. That's the atmosphere that I got from reading the fic, that it was hot and sensual, something smouldering between the two brothers. I felt that on a whole the fic did work for me as a scene between the brothers explaining their dynamic, showing that glimpse into their lives as to what they really are behind closed doors with one another.

How clear was the plot or characters' motivations or the physicality of what was happening:

I thought that the plot and motivations were generally clear in the fic. It's clear that Albert wants, but so does William, and it's clear that it's also a mutually beneficial arrangement for the both of them. As for the physicality of what was happening, I'll address that below in the section on what I thought of the dialogue and prose.

What sense of writing style did I get:

For this fic, I felt that it was a different style compared to your fic for The Untamed. It was atmospheric and detailed enough for me to be immersed into the world of Albert and William.

My impressions of the characters from your fic:

I felt that there was a distinct imbalance of power between Albert and William. There's a push and pull between them, which was something that I had expected to read about given my knowledge by osmosis.

What I thought of your dialogue/prose:

I thought the way you opened your fic was intriguing, with blood falling from William's fingertips. I wanted to know why there was blood, but it was not explained in the next few paragraphs, and I felt that the moment might have been lost.

You provided a lot of details about the room Albert and William were in, and it helped me to imagine just how it would be like for them, in a Victorian setting.

The silk is soft as if spun by a spider, and deep red like the engorged blood of its insect victims.
Actually, I think the imagery in the entire paragraph is vivid and striking, and I can see it clearly thanks to your description. This line though stuck out to me as jarring — while I understood what sort of comparison you're trying to make, with crimson and blood and deadliness, the knowledge that silk comes from silkworms just completely clashed with this for me. But on an overall, I do like the similes and metaphors that you use in your fic, and they help me to picture the characters and the scene more effectively. For example, I liked the comparison of William leaning back in his armchair even further to a cat considering its ineffectual owner — it showed a lot about his personality, and about his mannerisms as well.

When Albert winds the silk over William's hands, I'm still expecting you to return to why there was droplets of blood falling from his fingertips, but it doesn't happen and it feels unresolved for me.

Albert smiles back and presses William's cock against his cheek. The same softness greets him. Albert rubs William's cock over his cheeks and closed mouth and closed eyes, feeling William's cock slowly growing in size. Albert opens his mouth when he feels William's cock reach its full size.
This paragraph didn't work for me. It felt like it was a break from your style that you had up till now — heady, sensual, almost dreamlike. This paragraph felt like listing to me, as if it was William is not hard > now he's getting hard > now he's finally hard and then Albert opens his mouth. It was a little hard to follow for me here because I had expected Albert to be opening his mouth to take William's cock inside his mouth, but instead he sucks on William's finger instead. But according to your fic, William is surprised as well, so I would say that it works for you that the reader experiences what your character is feeling. I'm not sure if scrupulous would be the word to describe William's face/expression when surprise is added to it. What was the effect you were looking for?

For this fic, I think there's quite a bit of listing in terms of what is going on in the sex scene. Perhaps it's also my personal preference, but I'd prefer if it runs in action > reaction > action > reaction to keep the fic more dynamic. During the blowjob scene, I felt that you could have done with more detail with how William likes his cock sucked (or maybe, what would make William do (insert type of reaction that indicates what William does when it shows that he's enjoying having his cock sucked)?), and just what sort of skill does Albert have to please him. So for example, a sample line would be like 'He knows exactly how to flick his tongue over William's leaking slit, over and over, (this is the action that Albert knows how to do) to make William tug at his hair in pleasure. (this is the action William does when he enjoys the blowjob)'

When Albert pauses for a moment, he takes the moment to swipe the head of William's cock over his lips like rouge.

William's fingertips twitch.
This part felt jarring to me. The repetition of the word moment in the sentence did not work for it, and while the comparison brings to mind more of the colour red due to the rouge, I'm not really sure what sort of effect this is supposed to evoke. Especially when Wiliam's fingertips are twitching, I feel like maybe a bit more detail? (e.g. William's fingertips twitched against Albert's chin, if he's cupping his face?) Would have been more helpful for me in picturing the scene.

William's hands run cold, and Albert's mouth is on fire.
Are William's hands cold here, but Albert's mouth is on fire? I like the juxtaposition but felt that it could have been more effective if it was fire vs ice.

Albert feels William's fingertips grazing his chin and cheeks each time he swallows his cock down. Albert closes his eyes and sees red on the insides of his eyelids all the same: muted red firelight, red fabric, William's red eyes. There was blood on William's hands earlier this evening, too. A thrill of arousal sinks to his stomach and coalesces.
I like how everything is red here — red with blood, red with desire. For the final sentence, I think just 'Arousal shoots to his stomach and coalesces' would be better to describe it, having one's stomach sink reads like disappointment for me? But it certainly isn't what he's feeling, so I think changing it might be better.

I like the way you described William removing the silk around his wrists — there's a sharp contrast from his demeanour here compared to the start, and I think the position of the characters too, after William has had his pleasure, really showcases the dynamic between them. I would have preferred a little more clarity when William makes Albert come (is William touching him through his clothes?) although the clarification is made later on when you tell the reader that Albert came all over himself. I'm not sure if using 'spoiling' rather than 'soiling' is a deliberate choice, but I think spoiling does work too in this case since he's dirtying his fancy clothes completely too.

I would have preferred if you included a line break for the change of scene, where the brothers had gotten changed, but feel free to ignore if it's a stylistic choice. I like the ending conversation between Albert and William, where Albert recognises what makes their relationship, and I like the glimpse that we get into Albert's head and what he wonders about his relationship with William. I especially like the ending line — it provides closure about what William brings to Albert's life, even if they both have to be stained with blood by the end of it.

After reading the fic, I realise that the part about the blood might have been confusing to me because I was canon-blind in terms of the finer details of what was going on. You mentioned in the beginning notes that it was William who did the stabbing at the start of the fic, so I'm guessing that William has blood on his hands due to murder.

Overall, I did enjoy this fic and I thought that it was understandable for me even though I'm only armed with knowledge by osmosis! Thank you for writing!

[kaiosea]

I definitely did have a typo in the summary so thank you for alerting me that lol, how embarrassing for me. I wasn't able to find a beta for this if you couldn't tell, so this also inspired me to look for and find even more typos and format errors. Whoops! I need to fix those.

Your comments on the prose are helpful! Particularly the suggestion to trade reactions back and forth. Looking back with the gift of time, parts of this fic read "split up" to me, like I'm using too many paragraph breaks and the paragraphs are too short. (This is a weird bad habit that I started doing in 2021 when there are long passages without dialogue.) I feel like if I connected some of the very short lines/paragraphs by interspersing more of William's reactions, it would help.

I agree shoots is better than sinks! I forgot about that association for sinks. Spoils- intentional with that one!

Thank you again for taking your time to do this! Also, no pressure to respond or make sense of what I said as I know it's been what, 7 months since you wrote your comment? I just wanted to respond to let you know how helpful I found it!