Concrit for egelantier

[eglantiere]

I want to receive feedback by : preferably comments on AO3, or on DW on my request post.

Here are the works I want feedback on: everything on egelantier is fair game.

If you'd like more direction, in this round I'd particularly interested in feedback on:
and our work is never done, Psmith pslavefic, 7500 words
winterheart, origific fantasy m/m arranged marriage with a bonus dragon, 9000 words
nowhere but footfall to the path, TSOMD, Wang Zhi/Tang Fan pre-relationship with drama and whump and torture, 6500 words
the latest slew of drabbles

My works' fandoms and content notes are: a lot of different fandoms! My primary fandom is FFXV, but I write around a lot in exchanges and such. I don't write explicit porn, but I do write some pretty hard and occasionally graphic h/c, and there's an occasional fic with MCD (it's always warned for, so check the tags).

I have these questions for readers:
- are there any stylistic tics that are noticeable (not in a good way) to you, like overusing a word or a specific sentence structure?
- are there bits where, to you, i am for pathos or high drama, but end up in bathos and something unintentionally funny or melodramatic instead?
- is there enough 'showing', for your personal taste?
- if you have anything to say about how the structure of the fics comes off to you - the emotional/narrative/plot-wise rhytm and beat of it - i'd be very grateful.
- for the fics that use pastiche, mainly Psmith and Goblin Emperor: DID IT WORK THOUGH?

The style of feedback I prefer to receive is: I'm fine with pretty much everything that's constructively phrased; I'd be especially grateful if the feedbacker offered some suggestions on how they would handle something that seemed off to me.

Comments to this post will be: Visible.

Comments

[regshoe]

I have posted my concrit on 'winterheart' in an AO3 comment. :)

[(Anonymous)]

Hello! I read winterheart, your original work.

This was absolutely wonderful to read. I love the worldbuilding you chose, the rich setting detail and emotional detail, and of course the slow progression of Maredd and Alaric's relationship. (I love snow and ice, arranged marriages, and people from different backgrounds getting to know each other and maybe eventually like each other, so I was already primed to like this haha.)

I love how you do worldbuilding via characters' observations: we get an idea both of what the world is like, and how the characters see/interact with it, so all the details feel relevant. For example: Maredd sees an ornate coach laboriously climb up the twisting mountain path to his fortress and after watching it struggle for a while, draws some conclusions about Alaric (But look at this: he doesn't even try to get out and help them, or walk next to his carriage. This comes across mostly as a character/relationship first impression emotional beat, but I also get a good sense of the world from Maredd's brief observation:

- he has a 'fortress', which has connotations of war
- it is surrounded by a 'twisting mountain path', indicating a) his country has difficult terrain b) that they leverage for defense (and, given the summary's promise of 'biting cold', probably weather as well)
- the coach that comes is 'ornate' (the visitors are trying to present themselves well) and climbs 'laboriously' (they aren't very well prepared for Velladar).

TL;DR: as someone who tends to skim long descriptions, I like your worldbuilding style a lot. I have a strong picture of the world without having to try very hard, which is quite rare for me.

- are there any stylistic tics that are noticeable (not in a good way) to you, like overusing a word or a specific sentence structure?
I love your style a lot. My first impression of your prose was 'elegant/eloquent' (words feel deliberately chosen (in the best way), and has this sort of lyrical flow/quality to it?) On first read I never had to pause to think, or go back to reread, to follow the story.

Something that occasionally stood out to me while reading: the em-dashes. Your style carries line-level suspense/tension very well already, and you use commas generously which also slows the pace, so metaphorically holding my breath an additional half a second for the em-dash often draws the pause out a little too long for me, just enough to make me notice.

- are there bits where, to you, i am for pathos or high drama, but end up in bathos and something unintentionally funny or melodramatic instead?
Prefacing first with 'I think it's a positive thing', this bit:
“We talked,” Maredd said, simply. “I got lucky, mostly. Turned out I could understand her! And she could hear me. And she was bored.”
This made me laugh (in a good way!), like, Maredd went up for a scale and THE WHOLE DRAGON followed him down hahaha.

That said, I wouldn't change anything. Maredd has achieved something great, and doesn't feel the need to play it up, but Alaric nevertheless recognizes it for the feat it is. I think it's both a great character moment and a great relationship moment.

- is there enough 'showing', for your personal taste?
The first 3/4 is wonderful (although I admit checking the scrollbar and wondering how you'd wrap up a story in what seemed like not a lot of space left.)

The last section ("Maredd hadn't shared his space with anybody for over a decade...") went noticeably faster: this section often covers in a paragraph what I expected (wished) to have been several scenes, given the rich detail of the first 3/4. (e.g. Alaric testing the waters with his language skills enough to know he isn't that good, but getting comfortable enough to start being witty). I understand this was written for an exchange so there are of course constraints on your time/effort, and as a reader, I would have been very happy to read another 40K of this haha.

- if you have anything to say about how the structure of the fics comes off to you - the emotional/narrative/plot-wise rhytm and beat of it - i'd be very grateful.

This came across to me like a fairly standard 'marriage of political convenience that eventually grows into real love' setup and it walked the path well. The worldbuilding is solid, and grounds the characters and make their circumstances and motivations feel real. I love the progression of their relationship, particularly the detail that Alaric volunteered for the marriage, and repeatedly tells Maredd so - it takes some of the initial wariness/hostility intrinsic to 'political marriage' out of the relationship, and lets them start from a place of a little more trust and goodwill, which I really liked.

I loved this story a lot, and I hope these comments helped some!

[eglantiere]

dear wonderful anon, thank you so much! this was so very good (and i'm also very pleased that you, like, just straightforwardly liked the story on the iddy arranged marriage basis, i'm pleased).

it was my first stab at longform origific, and i'm glad the worldbuilding delivered as it is - in implications and small asides - worked for you! i tend to be a bit... impressionistic with it, letting the details do a lot of work, and it's always a worry whether it's just enough or too thin.

that's a super interesting observation re: em-dashes, which i do love and use in place of trickier bits of English punctuation, and i'm going to think about it a lot. thank you!

(i totally ran out of time and had to condense the second part a lot and also abandon some of more explicit Alaric whump ideas, alas! as a reader, i would always enjoy 40k more, but as a writer - ha.)

your comments were super helful, thank you very much for your time and for your care <3