Concrit for Luzula

[luzula]

Here are the works I want feedback on: Choose a fic from my AO3 account. I would prefer something from approximately the last seven years (if you critique something from my first years of writing it probably won't be very useful to me now). Most of my works are in due South, but I'm no longer actively in that fandom and I would prefer you to choose something else. The most useful to me would be if you chose something from my current fandom (Flight of the Heron) or related 18th century fics, but I understand that it's a tiny fandom, so you don't have to!

My works' fandoms and content notes are: See AO3 link above.

I have these questions for readers: Oh, hmm. I would like feedback on all aspects of the fic: style and language, plot, characterization, setting, structure. I don't have more specific questions--I just want to hear about things you thought of that I haven't myself! And you don't have to include every aspect; it's okay to focus on the aspects of writing which you feel are your own strengths to give feedback on.

The style of feedback I prefer to receive is: You can be blunt if you want, but please do include positive as well as negative feedback.

Comments to this post will be: unscreened

Comments

[soryenn]

Hi! I read three of your fics. =)

I read The White Sands of Morar. I'm reading canon-blind for this one.

I liked the outsider POV for the first bit. The whole piece is very melancholic so having this part to get into it softly, distancing the reader from the situation before plunging into it is a great idea for an intro. It also allows the reader to imagine what Ewen is thinking throughout the conversation. And it's a good idea to close this POV with "he never did find out" before moving to Ewen, it brings closure.

The travel was well written. I imagine for someone familiar with the canon it must evoke a lot of memories, but even without it, I liked the sense of familiarity you managed to get. It made me want to check out those places on a map. I think more descriptions on the first two days of road could have been nice, like you did with the green hills and the beach—the state of the Fassefern house, maybe, or the uneven road that wakes old injuries.

Each beat of the travel also has its emotional beat for the Ewen/Keith relationship, and that's very well done. Feels very true to what a three day walk to the grave of a loved one, lost in tragic circumstances, feels like.

I think some of the longer sentences might gain from being cut (like the second-to-last paragraph), but this may be done to emulate the novel's style, in which case please disregard. It doesn’t hurt the reading rhythm either way.

The first part on the beach is very strong, but I feel your writing becomes just a little less tight than it was just after Ewen realizes Keith's feelings. More telling and less subtle showing. I think it might be because of the second sight that we lose the tactile, vivid sensations you described before (because it's visual only). The last three paragraphs are strong again.

Overall it's poignant, carries its message well, and reads really like a small part of a novel.

I've also read Different Kinds of Freedom, for which I knew half of the fandoms (Lolly Willowes is a beloved book of mine).

Laura is delightful here! I found the conversation to be fun and entertaining and in character (afaik for Laura, anyway). I am as curious about Halla as she is! I thought starting with Laura "rooted" in the reality of her garden before she meets Halla and they start talking was quite clever. For a short piece, it's really well balanced. At the end, you feel like like the story is complete on its own and yet you'd like to see a sequel just to stay in that world a moment longer.

And I read A High Probability of Compatibility.

Somehow even if I've read and wrote Rogue One, I've never read for this pairing (I stuck to the OT3 realm, but time to open my horizons). That was very good!

I liked the slow opening, setting up the characters in this post-Scarif world. The overall plot and slow building of feelings was quite well done. I liked that Cassian is all "I was super obvious" by the end, very appropriate for him. Bodhi feels very real as well, and you dug into his balance between feeling inadequate and wanting to do more, to involve himself and do good by the people who helped him.

My only negative point would be that although the plot is logical and well-structured, it still felt a little disjointed. I think it owes to the nature of the story as a mission fic (and one when there's not much danger, too—you build it up but it doesn't happen, so it's more of an episodic story), but maybe a few reactive sentences or tie-in lines would have helped.

For example, right after the (quite funny) stormtrooper porn scene, we get right back into business and we don't get to see how Bodhi felt about it. I was kind of expecting it to come back as a reference during the actual porn scene too (maybe it was the sex in zero G line, though?).

Overall I loved the fic, the twist on "robots made them do it" and the way those scenes usually go, the worldbuilding, the gentleness between Cassian and Bodhi.

[luzula]

I'm so sorry for my late comment! I've been away on a trip with limited internet. Thanks so much for your helpful feedback! : )

[(Anonymous)]

Hello! I read Crossing the Arkaig (https://archiveofourown.org/works/22245244), your Flight of the Heron Ewen/Keith story. (I'm not familiar with canon, so I apologize in advance for any of my questions/comments that are addressed in the books.) Enemies to friends to lovers, huddling for warmth, and sharing a bed are all things I love, and your execution is excellent.

To answer your specific questions:

Style and language: I'm unfamiliar with canon so unsure if this is a pastiche, but I love your style - straightforward, precise and economical, which I thought was fitting for a military man, and I thought Keith's character voice came across well in the narration (see below).

Plot (combining with Structure since my comments are similar): This reads like a fairly straightforward 'circumstantial enemies meet in trying conditions and have to rely on each other to get out of it; maybe forced intimacy and feelings realizations in the meantime' and I am delighted by your execution. The implied olive branch extended in having a meal and sheltering from the rain together, then they have to huddle for warmth, then it comes up that Ewen is injured and Keth's first instinct is 'What can I do to help', then they have to share a blanket to sleep and the proximity is of course unbearable to Keith, it's all very wonderful. The progression of trust and intimacy is excellent.

Characterization: I love how both Keith and Ewen understand rationally that they're circumstantial enemies, and it never quite leaves Keith's mind at least, but they can't help feeling goodwill for each other and being drawn to each other nevertheless.

For Keith, I get the sense of a man of duty who places the greater good over himself (if he remembers himself at all), who has found something worth respecting and valuing in this person who is supposed to be an enemy, and now is discovering Feelings(TM) (and correspondingly has very little idea how to deal with it). 'For years he had been cynical, eschewing any pursuit of human affection and turning to military ambition instead, but those defenses were now crumbling.' sums up well how his character came across to me in this.

Setting: I thought this had a good sense of place, and I imagine someone familiar with canon might be able to chart Keith's journey on a map. The description of camping by the stream feels real and evocative, and I especially love this line describing them settling in for a meal: Ardroy sank down on a rock and Keith went to his saddlebags, taking out bread and cheese and meat and filling his pewter mug in the stream. The weariness is palpable on both their parts: there's a sense of having travelled very far before they met up here, and much further to go once they part ways.


Some parts I especially enjoyed:

I love the heron references and sightings - going by the series title, I am guessing they're significant to the story? Independently of that, I think they're a beautiful and elegant visual too.

Keith knew he would not willingly have shown such weakness
Love the sense of how well they know each other. This was the point I noticed that even though they're on opposite sides of some conflict, they also have some personal history and probably goodwill built up between them.

Keith's heart went out to him, but he could find no words of comfort. Finally he said, and it sounded stilted to his own ears, 'Ardroy. I am not in the habit of criticizing my superiors. But I have no stomach for the punitive measures on this campaign.'
Tfw you don't have the slightest clue how to comfort but manage to convey 'I am sorry that happened to you' nevertheless. Love it.

There was nothing strange about soldiers sharing blankets for warmth, damn it.
Nothing strange unless one has a guilty conscience, Keith!

He found that his face was in Ewen's hair, which had come fully loose from its queue in the night.
<3 What a lovely and intimate image.

Keith glanced at Ewen and was startled to see the emotion on his face. 'I never thought I would see this again,' he said simply.
I love the strong emotion here, how Keith is seeing this moment of vulnerability and how Ewen is letting him see it.

'I suppose I have no choice but to let you go, then, since you are holding me at pistol point,' said Keith. 'And while you are at it, nothing would stop you from taking my horse as well.'
Yessss excellent strategic move, of course Ewen makes a break for it exactly like this, no collusion here at all, nope

I liked this story a lot, and I hope these comments help a little! All the best with your writing from here on out.

[luzula]

I'm so sorry for my late comment! I've been away on a trip with limited internet. I'm so glad you enjoyed the story, and thanks so much for your helpful feedback! : )

And if you like enemies to friends to lovers, this is a great fandom for it! : D