Concrit for impilii

[impilii]

I want to receive feedback by:
Email (impilii2019 at gmail) or by comment on DW post in this community

Here are the works I want feedback on (optional: and my safe works are...):
My AO3 is impilii, and the following are works I would like to receive feedback on:
As Soft as Air, OW, F/F, rated E, (noncon) 4089 words
Collateral, Iron Man, M/M, rated E, (dub/noncon) 3908 words
Vows, The Course of Honour, M/M, rated T, (discussion of violence) 2047 words
Sweet and Undefeated, Hercules, M/M and F/M, rated E (noncon) 5368 words
Take It From Me, The Little Mermaid, M/F, rated E (noncon) 3236 words


My works' fandoms and content notes are:
Original Work, Iron Man, Disney animated movies, and one for The Course of Honour that’s listed under OW by an AO3 quirk. Many of the works were written for Consent Issues and Nonconathon and contain noncon. Vows does not have noncon.


I have these questions for readers:
General questions for all:
- What do you think of the summary and tags? Is the summary too short? Does it give enough insight into the content/tone of the piece? Any suggestions for an excerpt from the fic that seems appropriate to put in the summary?
- Pacing: How is it? How is the balance of action, dialogue and description?
Are things too rushed? Is there any point where you feel bored, or would be inclined to backbutton?
- Dialogue: Does the dialogue seem natural? Are there too many actions in place of dialogue tags?
- Blocking: Particularly in E-rated fics, is the blocking easy to follow and did it make sense? Did anything feel robotic/lacking in emotional followthrough?

Specific questions:

As Soft as Air
- Do Lucie and Violetta feel solidly drawn? Does the point of view work for you?
- Does the information about Lucie’s background feel naturally dropped in, or dumped?
- How is the pacing generally? Specifically, does the end feel rushed?

Collateral
- Does the end feel complete?
- Do the characters feel grounded in physical space?
- Are there too many action descriptions in place of dialogue tags?

Vows
- Does the point of view feel consistent throughout?
- Are the descriptions of this slightly d/s au enough to have a good footing, or does it leave you with too many unanswered questions?

Sweet and Undefeated
- Does the point of view change feel awkward?
- Does it feel like there are too many different things going on?
- Does the emotional arc work?

Take It From Me
- Does the handling of Ariel’s voice work?
- How is the pacing on Eric’s creepiness?

I would prefer gentle (5) or direct (1) feedback, or something in between:
1 to 2--please don't hesitate to be direct, but I also appreciate hearing about things that worked.

Comments

Vows - close reading

[morbane]

Hi impilii! I hope the following is useful - please ignore anything that is not.

I thought Vows was a very strong story that was closely attuned to canon themes and characterization, and pushed the canon towards your exchange recipient's fealty prompt in a plausible way.

For your specific questions:

Title works well! Summary is clear and indicative. I'm tempted to suggests something like 'additional ritual' rather than 'complete a ritual' because the former makes me wonder what incomplete rituals I missed in canon. I think I'd add something about canon divergence or it being an AU to the tags, since all of the tags relate to canonical things and so they're useful for someone coming in from Original Works but not so useful for someone looking specifically within Course of Honour fic. 'Romantic Daydreams' and 'Misunderstandings' are other possible tags.

I suppose that:

“Caught both of you, good,” Hren said. “The issue is the Vassalage ceremony. You and Jainan need to complete it.”

would work just as well as your current summary, but I prefer your current summary. No other suggestions for summaries from extracts.

The point of view feels consistent. I mostly take this D/s AU as affecting the ceremony, and not much else (though I have some worldbuilding comments about the media representation) - I think the implication that this would have further coloured Jainan and Taam's relationship is available, but not strongly implied, or the reader isn't really invited to focus on that idea. Consequentially, little feels inconsistent/contradicted.

Re: Vows - close reading

[morbane]

Line-by-line notes (again, please ignore anything not useful):

In the courtyard Jainan spun his quarterstaff in graceful arcs. The steam from his breath created a haze around him that glimmered in the early morning light, faint clouds that kissed his bare arms.

The hiss of the door startled Kiem into nearly spilling his coffee down his shirt.

-No actual grammar problem, but 'In the courtyard' is the kind of prepositional phrase I would expect a comma after. The absence jars me slightly.

I really like the almost-overblown romance of the initial description, graceful and haze and glimmered and clouds and kissed - all very heightened words - and I like the very slight remove of Kiem imagining clouds kissing Jainan rather than imagining kissing Jainan himself (even though, of course, this still means he's thinking about Jainan being kissed. I really like the kissed/hiss rhyme that tie the two paragraphs together even further with sound effects even as the second punctures the first. (And of course the deft juxtaposition of Jainan being graceful and Kiem being clumsy.)

“I see the new routine continues.”

-and already this is very much the Bel we know and love. I like that 'the new routine' could plausibly be Jainan's practice, and so is an above-board comment, but also clearly implies Kiem's observation of Jainan's practice.

It was just that whenever they were in the same room, Jainan was almost preternaturally attuned to the slightest bit of attention. Kiem’s eyes on him for more than two seconds was inevitably met with Jainan’s inquiring expression, Jainan turning the conversation toward Kiem’s interests, Jainan shifting to the edge of his seat as though he was ready to spring into action at Kiem’s word.

-I like how efficiently you show Kiem's defensiveness with the "It was just". I also like most of these character insights, a lot. I'm nodding really earnestly at the idea that when Kiem looks at Jainan, little time elapses before Jainan responds to it as a signal. It's been a while since I read Course of Honour, so my already-subjective read may be off, but I feel that the last description 'as though he was ready to spring into action' goes a little too far and clashes with my idea of a more reserved Jainan. (Even though there's still a self-deprecating sense woven through these thoughts, and Kiem may merely be thinking that Jainan could, not necessarily that he would.

Not sure you needed 'almost'. 'Kiem's eyes on him for more than two seconds' is a very long subject that is clear but that I find slightly awkward for its length - I keep wanting to agree 'eyes' and 'was'.

He was somehow more present, fully occupying the space he was in in a way that he rarely did in daily life. He was—beautiful. Outside, Jainan spun to a halt, moving through slower stretches.

-'In daily life' seems a little vague, to me. The transition from thought 'He was—beautiful' to realtime event 'Outside, Jainan' is slightly abrupt.

gave up the stain on his sleeve for a lost cause

Bel clapped him on the shoulder for a moment. - I usually see a clap on the shoulder as a single action; so this is two or three? Otherwise not sure why 'for a moment' is needed.

The door chimed again, opening for Hren Halesar, chief press officer. - Very minor canon niggle: I can see why you don't want to waste time on Kiem opening the door, but these are Kiem's private quarters and I don't think the door would just open - I think Kiem would have to see the scan of him outside and admit him?

letting Kiem read the headline. - the top headline? Or is this a press folder containing only one news item? Or something else?

Kiem was pulled between fondness for the image and a flash of irritation. One thing he had learned about Jainan was his anxiety around the press corps—if Jainan had known there were paparazzi on the hill, he’d never have relaxed enough to enjoy himself. - This is a really endearing (and plausible) character note for Kiem, that he's noticed this and cares. I like that it's not just that there were paparazzi and Jainan wouldn't have been happy about paparazzi, it's that even if Jainan was happy, he wouldn't have been comfortable with that unguarded happiness being captured. Especially endearing because this is something Kiem is comfortable with.

but some fucking philosophers over in legal decided to debate it to death before letting us know it might be an issue - This is excellent worldbuilding, and as someone with a law-adjacent job, I am laughing in convinced comprehension at the idea of a potential problem getting stuck at "But what if it isn't even a problem, we'll have such egg on our faces, better sit on it more." stage before progressing, costing time for the people who actually have to deal with it.

the Vassalage ceremony - This jarred me a little because I don't recall many such capitalized terms and proper nouns in The Course of Honour. I would have expected 'the vassalage ceremony'. (Also you use lower case for vassalage in Jainan's dialogue later - if that's meant to be a deliberate tone thing, it's not clear.)

Kiem felt like someone had struck him over the head with a quarterstaff - Very subjectively but this feels a liiiiittle too pat / over-cleverly tied in to the scene that's just happened. Like, if I were reading this out loud, I'd put emphasis on 'him', because the gist would be "Something else was being struck by quarterstaffs, but now, metaphorically, it's Kiem" rather than "Kiem felt taken aback", and I think the latter is the more important meaning.

but they featured pretty heavily in a certain subset of holodramas; old-fashioned royal romances that leaned into decidedly unmodern dynamics. Kiem was vividly reminded of the furtive month he’d spent as a teenager watching one particular vid scene over and over - Qualifiers are coming thick and heavy here; I'm not sure you need 'pretty', or both 'vividly' and 'particular'. (Even though 'pretty heavily' rings very true to canon word choice to me.) I'm not sure you need to say decidedly unmodern right after saying old-fashioned, or, for some reason that feels redundant rather than like one emphasises the other.

I am very charmed that Kiem is super into the loyalty kink part of it all.

Jainan rubbed the palm of his hand and ducked his head a little, but his reply was approaching firm. “I performed the vassalage ceremony with Taam when I first arrived on Iskat, but my oath was to the Empire. My vow isn’t void simply because I’ve remarried.”

-At pretty much all points in canon/fic, I'm cheering for occasions for Jainan to state boundaries, and his clear way of doing so is very satisfying here. But, agreed, it also seems a very plausible way to extend Kiem's current misunderstanding - especially since you've just, very neatly, established how Kiem is seeing the ceremony through the lens of romance.

I would say 'approaching firmness' or 'approaching "firm"' for slightly easier parsing, but that is subjective.

his almost-objection melting back into acquiescence - Ouch in a good way! I feel like it was an objection, and it's only the acquiescence that retro-shapes it into not being one.

“We’d like to build on the prevailing narrative.” Hren waved at the headline. - I like how their success leads into "now do something else for us" here.

“Go through the variations I sent you. Pick a crowdpleaser and we can get some good press out of it for the lead up to Unification Day. Have your decision to my office by tomorrow morning, and we’ll do the ceremony in the afternoon.”

-I really like your characterization of Hren. A competent overbearing jerk. I like how most of this sounds unpleasant, but possible - they're being offered variations! - right until the end, where the timetable - prefaced deceptively with 'the lead up to Unification Day', implying more time - lands as utterly arbitrary and punishing, and sure to ring alarm bells even for Kiem.

Hren double-tapped the table and marched out.

-at first I thought that was mainly a hilariously self-indulgent character note about what a martinet he's being. And it works as that! As 'cuing the documents then leaving' it's aaalmost too abrupt for me. Like, at least say "bye", Hren, you mannerless asshole. The extreme abruptness is there, but only really jars me because I'm reading critically - mostly I don't notice the complete lack of farewell in the moment, because my attention is where Kiem's attention is.

True Love? blared his unwelcome feelings to the room in massive font.

-Parsing this slowed me down very slightly; partly it's that I haven't read canon in a while and wasn't immediately clued in that tapping the table would be an interface command, partly that the last two words of the headline didn't register specifically, and partly that once i realised it was the headline, I got a bit caught up on wondering why it was just those two words visible. (Though I realise it doesn't have to be.) All very subjective.

I do feel as though the ideas in that sentence are very compressed. I think the readership might be expecting the depth of Kiem's feelings, but they haven't been otherwise communicated yet in this story. And you flash to the next idea very quickly, even though all the sentences in this paragraph tied together well.

impeccable - feels like an odd adjective for a voice. I'd expect "impeccably X" - I'm left with the question 'perfect in WHAT way'? Perhaps I'm meant to be.

The reply feels very Jainan.

Kiem was sure. Dignified, intelligent, graceful—that was practically the dictionary definition for Jainan. - I like the way that, along with all the other things it's accomplishing, this shows that Kiem is still very aligned with the Empire in the way that he assumes traditional equals good.

I also like the way you established the "When actually unhappy and objecting, Jainan is deferential" baseline for the reader, earlier, as a way of making it clear that "It was traditional" in a neutral tone now is not an endorsement. It makes it still plausible that Kiem doesn't get clues the reader obviously should. (Though 'impeccable' strains that slightly for me, because it seems to be about Kiem noticing that reserve.)

“I’ve got that thing at Education Launch, and then dinner with—“ - ugh, and I'm angrily rooting for Kiem here. He damn well does his best by the Empire! It's not his fault Hren gave him one stupid day's deadline! [It feels perfectly plausible to canon that Hren would give him one stupid day's deadline. Maaaybe a little more justification for why the deadline is so tight would have worked, but this works too. How accommodating they both are to the Empire's demands is a very key point.]

Bel broke into their stilted exchange. “Great, you’re both free starting at seven. I’ll make sure we’ve got what you need.” - Lovely, reprieving scene end.

is it also appropriate to spend all day fantasizing about feeding him grapes while he swears his undying loyalty to you and the empire for which you stand? oh my god Kiem you are so naive and cute

In front of anyone else, Kiem would have been tempted to ask for the highlights instead of struggling through it, but he knew Bel wouldn’t judge, even if it took him longer than a cat climbing a snow bank. - I really like that you characterise Kiem's hesitation here as shame but very much not laziness.

I part ways with the conceit very slightly at this point. I don't think it's wonderful for a ceremony to require one person to draw blood from another, but I'm not quite relating to Kiem's shock, when it seems like barely a pinprick is required for the ceremony, and this is a world where Kiem is willing to go along with marriage, far more of an imposition on a person's rights and freedoms. I'm also struggling with this a little in a worldbuilding way: Iskat normalizes this, okay, and romanticizes this in its media, okay, and yet is somehow… ashamed of the details so it extra-romanticises it? I would expect it to be even more normalized. I think this would feel more naturally horrific to me if Kiem were expected to scar Jainan.

I do think that Bel revealing the knife to Jainan has excellent impact.

The door slid open behind her, and Jainan stepped into the weighted silence of the room. - I'm not sure if the repetition of Jainan's earlier entrance feels like emphasis or chiming to me.

From Jainan’s tone, Kiem thought that was a quote. - Nice. I like how painfully close Kiem is to getting it - he's horrified that Taam did that but he thinks Taam doing it was normal and sanctioned; he catches the quote but he assumes it's an official quote, not Taam cruelly justifying himself later.

“But no one does it like that anymore! Because it’s horrifying!” - I like the intensification of Kiem's reaction, but the logic doesn't quite work to me. I'm not sure if you mean to be writing him as questioning the tradition, or not, or questioning Taam, or not. He's just essentially been flat-out told by Hren that the ceremony's going to be done, and no one seems to have a problem with how it was done the first time. And he's unwilling to consider that Taam might have done it wrongly. That doesn't seem to leave him in a place where he can declare "no one does it like that anymore."

It feels appropriate to the canon that the breakthrough comes through Kiem being… forcefully vulnerable? Since most of the canon was a dance around "Of course I'm okay with this, because I think I ought to be (actually I am not at all okay with this)", and also, it feels like it should and does take strong provocation to make either of them drop that attitude.

Kiem tapped against the table, faster and faster. - this works as a distressed gesture but distracted me a little because I was expecting an interface response

To me, the last five or so paragraphs feel essentially earned by what has gone before, but they also feel extremely rapid/compressed. Jainan's own self-exposure is very sudden - my own sense of his character suggests it should take just a little longer for his trust to be earned, and so I'd expect a positive but still more guarded response at the end. I'd also love slightly more self-analysis from Kiem towards the end - shame at his own confession? Hope/relief at Jainan's responses?

Also, coming from my love of worldbuilding, I selfishly want to see more details of the different ceremony variations! And I feel that the different scenarios would be satisfying from a pining rather than worldbuilding perspective, too. But that's a self-indulgent wish and not strictly necessary for what you were trying to do with the story.

Re: Vows - close reading

[impilii]

Thank you so much for this detailed feedback! I'm short on time for responding, but I wanted to let you know that I found your comments very helpful, both for this piece specifically and for thinking about compression in world-building and emotional moments generally--I think sometimes the clearer the concept in my head, the less clearly I describe it! Also, thank you for the tagging suggestions (I find tagging incredibly difficult).

Re: Vows - close reading

[morbane]

Thank you, I'm glad it was useful!

Take It From Me

[farla]

Does the handling of Ariel’s voice work?

Having her be nominally silent and yet "talking" distinctly to us, and how Eric is capable of reading her lips to get specific words right at the very start yet soon is acting like he doesn't know she's saying anything at all, and also the way she does communicate in other ways that are similarly clear and similarly well within Eric's ability to ignore, all works great. There's also a good tension throughout because it seems like her only hope is when she does get him to acknowledge what she's saying but it's not clear if he does ease up a little if she can appease him with her responses/begging or if it's false correlation where he decides he's going to ease up then acts like he's just noticed her response.

I was a little confused that the song happened for a moment but her voice didn't return from what seemed like a qualifying kiss and I was wondering if it meant he'd pulled back too quickly or because the love was one-sided, but I think I'm misremembering and getting her voice back if she succeeded in getting the kiss wasn't part of the deal. It might've helped to have a line of her recapping the deal/payment but it's clear enough after a bit when she doesn't act like the return of her voice was expected. (Also not how it works, but I did wonder about a setup where she does think something went wrong with the kiss, given he doesn't kiss her again until the end, and then having that still not work.)

How is the pacing on Eric’s creepiness?

Concerning but just ambiguous enough for anxious tension to build and the hope this might be a horrible misunderstanding that Ariel will manage to clear up any moment now, especially with the fact he's a prince so it takes longer to work out if it's just he's not used to being told no so it's possible it at least isn't on purpose, except for

“Whoa, not nice,” he said, a frown curling across his forehead. “The face is really sensitive. I wouldn’t ever hit you there.”

I don't know if it's that I've read a lot of fic where the abusive character makes a point not to mark up the other character's face for their own selfish reasons, but when I read the final line it shot past innocuous, flew through ominous and landed dead on, "I am definitely evil and I'm planning to hit you everywhere but there."

She liked her new body, but she couldn’t imagine it enduring the abrasions of rock and wave the way her old skin had.

I really like the detail of her mermaid body being different on the upper half as well. I've never thought much about it but of course even if they have mammal skin it'd make more sense to be in line with the kind of skin aquatic mammals have and not ours, especially with how much time mermaids spend happily flopping about on rocks for dramatic poses, and how her human body's different in ways she didn't know about and couldn't predict before this happened also fits with how the rest of the situation is also not at all how she expected.

Re: Take It From Me

[impilii]

Thank you for your comments! I really appreciate them.

Concrit for As Soft as Air

[apiroscsizmak]

This fic is such a delight! It feels 100% in line with what I would want from the tropey, gothic sinisterness that the ship tag promises. I am new to giving concrit, so I hope that my impressions are useful. Feel free to ask me for any clarifications if I did not explain myself well enough. :D

The strongest elements of the fic, imo, were the setting details, the escalating tensions, and Violetta’s character. The setting balances unwelcoming (but lovingly described!) opulence with a deeply unsettling and sinister atmosphere. The pacing of Violetta gradually growing crueler and more objectifying was very well done, dropping just the right amount to whet the reader’s appetite and withholding enough to keep anticipation high. And Violetta—my god, Violetta was so much fun! Her playful cruelty was absolutely captivating!

The element that I feel was weakest was Lucie’s internality, which especially detracted from the emotional and visceral connection I felt throughout the fic. We see a lot of what happens around Lucie, what happens to Lucie, and what Lucie does, but we don’t see very much of what Lucie experiences, how she feels, and what her internal reactions and perceptions are.

Summary and tags: The summary is short, but I would say the major drawback of it is less the length and more the genericness. As a two-sentence summary, I found that the first sentence being more on the generic side connected the work to tropey, Gothic Victorian works, but having both sentences being so vague and generic does not effectively draw in the reader, although the tags help to paint a clearer, more enticing picture of what to expect. “Victorian Egyptomania” is especially enticing. The lady of the house has dark secrets especially could benefit from more specificity since there is a lot of rich, atmospheric material in the fic to drop in as a hook. Maybe teasing the tomb motif?

Do Lucie and Violetta feel solidly drawn? Does the point of view work for you?: Violetta is drawn very vividly and dynamically. Her playfully cruel and objectifying personality shined through! Everything about her was mesmerizing, and as a reader, I got the sense that you had an absolute blast writing her. However, I felt that Lucie was a bit hollow and underexplored, and her internal perspective felt pretty opaque. I felt this made it especially difficult to emotionally connect with the narration, since it was coming from Lucie’s POV. Throughout the fic, the places that I think would benefit most from an elaboration on Lucie’s internal thoughts and emotions are:

*The opening paragraph-and-a-half (before “she felt grubby and small”); lots of description of her clothing and presentation, without much mention of what she is experiencing.

*Lucie’s first time meeting Violetta

*Lucie getting roped into posing for Violetta’s painting (especially in regards to the revealing costume she is made to wear; there is a lot of potential emotional and sensory description to explore there)

*Violetta slapping Lucie while undressing her

*The ultimate rape, especially: the face-sitting and the moments leading up to Lucie biting Violetta, Violetta’s punishing slaps leading to pussy spanking, the knife slowly tracing along Lucie’s skin until it is inside her (this is also something that would have benefitted from slower pacing to build up more tension and fear). Also, there is a mention of Lucie feeling a sort of ecstasy alongside her terror, but only the terror really comes through; playing more with the sensual intensity maybe morphing into pleasure could add some really engaging and interesting layers to this scene.

*The aftermath of the rape, as Lucie awakens as Violetta bathes her. There are a range of emotions and physical sensations I could imagine here: terror, entrapment, violation, numbness, exhaustion, physical soreness from the assault, shame at the comfort and care her monster of a mistress is giving her after the assault.

Does the information about Lucie’s background feel naturally dropped in, or dumped?: I would say the information felt like it was included naturally, but that it doesn’t contribute as much to Lucie’s characterization as it could.

How is the pacing generally? Specifically, does the end feel rushed?: The pacing works very well, especially in terms of the gradual escalation in Violetta’s behavior and in the building of tension/anticipation/that delightful sense of foreboding. The first paragraph or so might have had me backbuttoning from the emotional neutrality of it, but once Violettta begins speaking, it becomes instantly more engaging.

Blocking: There were a few points during the sex scene that were a little unclear in terms of blocking.

A bright line of pain bloomed on her thigh and she gasped. [some dialogue ]Violetta brought the knife down again with a smack that Lucie was certain had to have drawn blood. Until the second line, I found it wasn’t entirely clear Lucie was still holding the knife. I had initially taken the “line of pain” as a bite, and this misunderstanding sent me rereading the lines a few times, interrupting the flow.

Her hair stuck to her face as Violetta’s slaps knocked her head from side to side. It seems like this part is where the Violetta gets off of Lucie’s face (I assume she would have to to slap her head around), but the moment Violetta moves away isn’t entirely clear, and I found myself rereading the prior paragraph to check if I had missed something.

Re: Concrit for As Soft as Air

[(Anonymous)]

Thank you so much for this feedback! I really appreciate how specific and detailed you got, and your impressions/suggestions of where Lucie's characterization could be deepened were particularly helpful. <3

Re: Concrit for As Soft as Air

[impilii]

Whoops, meant to log in there!